About
I’ve decided to create this blog for all of you who are suffering through the debilitating symptoms of vicodin dependence/addiction and subsequent withdrawal. I can’t count how many times I’ve detoxed from opiates, and every time I’ve prayed that it would be my last. In my many years of dealing with opiate dependence I’ve unfortunately become accustomed to the pain of being “dope sick,” and I’ve actually found different ways of helping me cope with it.
This blog is mainly here to help you with your vicodin and other opiate related withdrawal symptoms, but I will also be writing about the recovery process, pain management and where you can find help for your addiction (if you have one) as well. However, I don’t feel as though all of my readers are going to be “addicted” to prescription painkillers. Some of you may be in need of a recovery center, yet others might just be trying to cut down your physical dependence on the drug. Whether or not you’re “hooked”, I think that excessive use of opiates is definitely a less than ideal lifestyle, and should be corrected by any means necessary.
Disclaimer: I personally am not a 12 stepper, but I am not here to place judgement on anyone’s beliefs either. When I speak about recovery it will be in a very objective manner. I’ll lay out alternatives so everyone can choose the path that they want to take. I’m a firm believer that there is no single way for everyone. We must try and find out what works for us as individuals, and once we do, we must stick with it.
With that said, VicodinWithdrawal.org is a resource for individuals who are looking for information on how to either deal directly with the symptoms related to acute opiate withdrawal, or to find alternative ways of removing the drug from their system. Whether that means checking into rehab, doing a rapid detox, or just going old school and locking yourself in the bedroom. Whatever works for you. 
I hope to share my experiences with you, and maybe help a few of you in the process.
188 comments
hi. my mother is currently detoxing at this moment (I can hear her downstairs right now. terrible!) when i got clean there really wasn’t much of a physical detox like what my mother is going through. is there something.. anything that i can do to help her? this is day 3 or 4 and so far, today has been the worst. i want to help her through this, but i am a little bit out of my league here.
Well, I feel for you and your mother…I’ll keep you in my prayers. What’s she detoxing from, and how much was she taking? I think that question definitely comes into play during any kind of withdrawal. Judging from your concern, she must have been a heavy user, with whatever opiate it is that she’s using.
At this point, I would just give her some emotional support, and help her stick it out for a few more days. They say that withdrawal only lasts about 72 hours, but from experience, I can tell you that that is BS. Most of the physical symptoms become bearable by day 7, and are hardly even noticeable by day 14. She’s on day 4, so she only has a few more days left.
Hot showers really helped me, so if you want to set her up with a hot bath or shower, I would do that. Keep reminding her that she’s already 4 days into this, and that she’s getting through the worst right now. Having somebody there to “cheer you on,” for lack of a better term, really helps ease the agony in my opinion.
Yeah, so like I said before, I would help her emotionally and give her whatever she needs to feel more comfortable expect for the opiates. She’s too deep into the detox for any type of tapering regime. Does she feel like she has an addiction to this stuff? Like, she can’t stop on her own?
Hope this helps, let me know if you have any other questions.
I have fibromyalgia and have been taking two to three Vicodin a day. I am tryting to wean off of it. Only took one pill today so far and in such pain. I don’t know if it’s not from taking the pill or the fibormyalgia. I am just aching all over, but I have been doing that also before trying this. Can you advise. I tried to sign up but cannot seem to find where to do it.
Thank you, Pat
Hi Pat,
I just barely set this blog up, so I haven’t added any type of newsletter or rss subscription links to it yet, but I promise I’ll get those up as soon as I can.
As for tapering the Vicodin, it’s going to have to be done in really small steps. Let’s say that you’re taking three 5mg pills everyday, and you’ve been doing that for months. Well, you can pretty much assess that your habit is 15mg per day. Now if you all of a sudden cut your intake to one 5mg pill per day, you’re for sure going to feel the effects of withdrawal from the other 10mg that you’re body isn’t receiving.
In order for the tapering process to be effective, you’ll have to reduce your dose in small increments. It sucks to have to do that, but it’s really the only way for you to get through it without serious withdrawal symptoms. Chances are that the pain you’re feeling right now is a combination of both your fibromyalgia and a little bit of the detox aches.
What I did a while back, was I bought a pill splitter from the local drug store that allowed me to break each 5mg pill into 4 pieces if I wanted to. So then, instead of dropping a whole 5mg’s of the drug from my intake, I was able to break it into 2.5mg or even 1.25mg.
So if I was you, I would assess my current habit. Then I would take that number and remove a small amount from it. Try that for a day and see if the pain is bearable. The goal here isn’t to avoid discomfort completely, otherwise you’ll end up back where you started. But, what you want is to make it easy enough to handle. Once you’ve lowered your dose and stayed at the new amount for 3-5 days, then work on lowering it another step. Keep doing that until you’re completely off the stuff.
This post is assuming that you have a large supply of the Vicodin. Otherwise, you’re going to have to either secure some, or just tough it out for a while.
Best of luck to you Pat, I’ll keep you in my prayers. Let me know if you have any other questions.
Thank you for your info. I’m a vicodin user due to chronic pain. I tried to detox myself a few days ago and it was agony. I’m hoping to kick them soon. I’m very very scared.
Hi Melisa,
It can feel like hell during the process, but you’ll feel so great after it’s all done.
Have you tried tapering? Try reducing your dose slowly over a long period of time. Psychologically it’s tough, but I believe it can be done because I’ve done it myself.
Best of luck to you, and God bless.
Email me if you need any help.
Can you please tell me what I should do? I have been on Vicodin of and on for about 3 years due to acute Achilles problems. I want off!!! I have had 2 surgeries on one leg with my most recent one in August to reconstruct the Achilles and heel. In the last 3 weeks I started to have great success with the pain decreasing. When I decreased the amount of Vicodin accordingly, I noticed the withdrawal symptoms. My body is physically dependent now. Here is my question. I will be having my other Achilles reconstructed at the end of January. I am sure I will be put on more Vicodin then. Do I go through the withdrawals now, knowing I will be doing it again 3 or 4 months out from my next surgery or do I stay on a real low dose of Vicodin all the way through and do the withdrawals once? Currently I am taking 1/2 Vicodin at night before bed and I am taking 1/4 vicodin every 4 to 6 hours during the day. What should I do. I can honestly say that there are times when my Achilles pain still needs some help but when I found that I had the addiction I freaked and decided I needed to get help.
I just re-read my post and I need to clarify that the type of Vicodin I am on is the the kind that says 10/325 on the front of the bottle. Also in talking with my surgeon, he says that the average time frame of someone being done with the pain medication, who had the same type of surgery I did, is 6 months. He said i just happened to be healing really fast. So I guess most people who have my type of surgery end up dependent on Vicodin. I wish I had known that. I don’t think I would have done anything different but I wish I had known. What should I do? I am scared.
Hi I too am trying to detox on my own and it is hell. I have chronic neck and shoulder pain. I have a one year old little boy who counts on me every day. he is my motivation to ignore th detox symptoms. Plus my husband really has no clue how much vicodin I really take in one day. Usually 5 but I have taken 7 to 9 in one day. I know I can detox I have done it before. I really am embarassed to tell anyone about my habit. So I have to suffer in silence and do this on my own. My son is my only inspiration. your website has given me hope as well. Thank you!
@Sweetfreedom
The first thing that I want to tell you is; don’t be scared. I know that the whole experience is probably a little frightening but that doesn’t mean you need to be afraid. Be strong, be courageous and know that you’re tough. Seriously, you’re going through two achilles surgeries for Pete’s sake. That requires some serious courage, so you can rest assured that you’ve already got that in the bag. Now, on to the detox plan…
Judging from the amount that you say you’re taking, it doesn’t seem like your tolerance is that high. The 10/325 means that there is 10mg’s of hydrocodone (vicodin) and 325mg’s of acetaminophen (tylenol) in each of your pills. Assuming that you take your 1/4 dose 4 times a day, you’re only dependent on about 15mg of the bad stuff, including your bedtime dose, which isn’t bad at all. And, if that takes care of your pain, then you know you don’t need to up your dose either.
With that said, my question to you is; why did you take the vicodin for 3 years? Was it just for the pain? Or do you like the way they make you feel? If it’s just for the pain, then you can assume that you don’t have much of a psychological addiction to the stuff, and that you’re just physically dependent. If that’s the case, I would continue tapering, but do it slowly. You have another surgery coming up, and chances are that you’ll need to use the vicodin again, so there’s no point in going through withdrawal twice. Just set a time after the second surgery to drop the habit once and for all, then move on with your life.
I think the hardest part in all of this is the fact that you have a legitimate reason to take pain medication, but if I was you, I would start looking for alternate ways to manage your pain. I really believe that as humans we have an incredible ability to control our pain. I remember when I was using, I was a sissy. Not because I didn’t feel like I could be tougher, but because I liked how I felt when I was on opiates. So, I would always make injuries worse than they really were, just so I could get some meds. When I finally left that part of me behind, I made a serious effort to “feel” stronger. I would tell myself that I could handle anything, and that no pain could make me want to use vicodin. Long story short, I make it through a dislocated shoulder and the worst strep throat ever without any opiates. Talk about a confidence booster.
Stick with it Sweetfreedom. Don’t ever forget about why you want off the stuff, make a decision today that you’ll do whatever it takes to overcome your injuries and your vicodin habit and I guarantee you’ll look back on this day with pride. That’s my advice, I hope it helps you. Remember to get some extra help if you feel like you need it. There are plenty of options out there for you.
All the best.
Hi Kristin,
Take a look at the comment above, the one that I left for Sweetfreedom, I feel like much of it applies to you as well.
You already know that if’ you’ve detoxed once, you can do it again. I think one thing that most people who try to get off opiates don’t realize is that they can’t do it as fast as they’d like to. Usually when we want to get clean, we want it right then and there, but reality is, that we need to taper slowly, otherwise we’ll face some pretty nasty withdrawals. 5 a day is a decent sized habit, so if you have a steady supply, I would take it really slow. Start writing it down on paper. See how much you’re taking now, and reduce that amount by 15% every week. So if you’re taking 40mg now, then next week take 34mg and so on.
This is all assuming that you’re not mentally addicted to the stuff. If so, then the whole tapering thing is going to be very very hard. See, I didn’t take vicodin for pain, I took it because I loooooooooved the way it made me feel, so tapering was a huge problem for me.
Last thing; don’t go at this alone. Find someone that you can reach out to that is open-minded and will be able to support you. If you’re spiritual, then pray A LOT!! There were times when I felt alone and depressed, but spending a little quiet time with God really brought me some peace.
I wish you the best Kristin. Let me know how everything works out.
Thank you so much for the reply. Thank you. It is hard not to be scared when you feel the detox starting. I am REALLY stubborn. When I quit using caffeine, the detox headache just made me mad. I know this is a lot different. I started keeping a journal marking everytime I took a Vicodin. I think 15-20 mg. is pretty acurate for what I have been taking for the last 2-3 weeks but I think I was taking more like 40 mg. a day before that. Obviously the closer I calculate back to my surgery, I was on even more and initially I also had to take that stuff called Dilauded along with the Vicodin.
I have had Achilles problems for the last 12-13 years. They are too short for the length of my legs. This also caused a gait problem (walking) so I ended up with pretty bad back pain. I have been on Vicodin off and on since July 2006 because that is when I blew out my right Achilles while running sprints. It never healed correctly and the pain I have had the last 2 1/2 years has been pretty harsh. I finally went to a foot and ankle specialist who could tell immediately what was happening. The best news here is that what he did to my right leg in August WORKED!!!! It hurt like @#$% but it worked. It feels the best it’s felt in 13 years! That is why my left one is scheduled in January. Right now it (left leg) is not as bad as the other was but it will be if I don’t have it lengthened and fixed. Achilles surgery, for me, was more painful than childbirth. I was singing fast food songs when I was giving birth to my oldest. I have always thought I had a high pain tolerance until this Achilles thing happened. As far as how I feel, I hate hate hate what the Vicodin does to my head and stomach but I am thankful for what it does to my legs. Sometimes my legs hurt so bad that I feel clausterphobic because I can’t get away from them. About 80% of Achilles rupture people that I have talked to all say that sometime between 6-12 weeks post-op they all either consider a shot to the head or amputation. (Jokingly of course but scary that so many say the same thing!) So when my leg started feeling better and I stupidly just thought, well I can stop taking this stuff now, that is when I figured out that my body was dependent.
I don’t know if this is bad but I have also decided to tell everyone I am close to. I guess I was hoping for support. I am especially explaining this all to my teen-age boys because they need to understand what has happened. Ironically, my oldest is finishing up his second year of college pre-med. I have THE MOST SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND who is willing to take time off of work to stay with me for the 96 hour detox flu.
Last night was the first night that I didn’t wake up at 3:00A.M. and have the jitters. I don’t know if it was a fluke or if the taper is working.
What was my alternative to the vicodin? There were times, just 6-8 weeks ago that my pain was so bad that I had to concentrate to recite my cell number. I went to a doctor 7 weeks ago for something different and my blood pressure was scary high. They were panicked until they figured out it was a pain response and they made me take more Vicodin. I normally have really low blood pressure and yes, my medication tolerance is low (I usually have to take a pediatric dose of everything).
Why do doctors and nurses tell you that if you are taking Vicodin for legitimate pain, you will not develop a dependence? How can that be true? Maybe they meant to say, you will not develop an addiction?
I just didn’t know what to do. The detox symptoms are scary. I know I will be put back on Dilauded and Vicodin after leg #2. I was leaning towards what you suggested which was to wait and do the detox once. It seems that my doctor has no problem prescribing it for at least 6 months post-op. (I had a different doctor who was giving it to me over the last 2 1/2 years)
Right now I am at 11 hours since I had any Vicodin and I am not yet experiencing any symptoms. Before, I felt it after 4 hours. Does that mean the taper is working? Thank you for being there. I am a spiritual person and will be praying for all I read about on this forum. One of our pastors at church just had a horrible accident with a chain saw and his right hand. He is headed for multiple surgeries. Now I know one other thing to pray for him on. Pain medication dependence/independence.
@SweetFreedom
You’re very welcome.
My main reason for starting this blog was just to share my experience and thoughts on what I’ve been dealing with for the past 10 years of my life. I was hoping that I could help some people along the way, and even if it turns out to be just one, then I know I did my job.
It seems like you’re making some serious headway here. If you don’t feel bad after 11 hours without a dose, then that’s a great sign. Just keep at it. You’ll get to a point where you’ll be taking tiny amounts only when you notice that you’re feeling a little crummy. Before long you’ll be off. I know that you’re going back in to surgery again, and my original thought was for you to just leave the detox for then, but if you’ve come this far, you might as well stick with it. This way your tolerance will be lower too, so you won’t need as much of the pain meds to help you feel better.
You think you can do it without the Dilaudid? That might be a little too much to ask huh? I would try it though. Give it a shot (no pun intended), just tell doc that you don’t really want to get too doped up, and you wanna see how much of the pain you can tolerate. Sounds a little masochistic, but what I’m trying to get at here is that you’re the one in control. The doctor will give you as much as you say you need. It could be overkill, or it could be just the right amount. Remember, that whatever pleasure you gain from the opiates today, you will have to be paid back during your detox tomorrow.
To answer your question about whether or not you will become dependent on opiates if taken for legitimate pain…that’s a bunch of BS. In the past, I’ve successfully moderated my usage to just what the bottle says. 1 tablet every 4-6 hrs as need for pain, and I always became dependent, meaning, that I always went through withdrawals when I stopped. The only time that I didn’t go through withdrawals was during a one month period when I was able to take just 10mg’s during every 24-hour period. So I really think that the time between each dose should be more like 24 hours instead of the usually 4-6 (or 8), if one does not want to develop serious tolerance.
As for the whole addiction thing; I was addicted after having my first vicodin, so that’s more of a person-to-person type thing.
I’m happy to hear that you have a nice support system. Some of the people you’ve told probably won’t understand you, but if they really care for you, then they’ll be on board. I’ll pray for you and your Pastor.
Talk to you soon
There is a chance that I won’t have to have as much work done on my left Achilles. I won’t know for a little while. I am pretty sure I will use the Dilauded again. On my last surgery, I used it and the 10/325’s alternating every 2 hours and the first 4 days of pain were indescribable with all of that. I also had a poplitiel nerve block that only held for about 6 hours post-op. I think I stopped using the Dilauded on day 6. If I have less slicing and dicing than maybe I won’t need it. Who knows.
Today was kind of different than the last few. I was feeling the detox after only 4-5 hours. What causes this to happen? Why was I able to go 11 hours the other day and today seemed horrible? Is this in my head or did I cut too much too quick?
@SweetFreedom
I was going to mention this in my last reply, but forgot to. It takes anywhere between 30-48 hours before you feel full blown withdrawals. So, since it takes a couple days for your previous tolerable amount to be adjusted to your new one, then you need to lower your dose accordingly. Make sure that you don’t lower your dose any sooner than two days, preferably every week. That way, you’re only facing full blown detox for very small amounts of the drug at a time.
Hope that helps.
That makes total sense. It sounds like I need to stay on each new lower dose for at least a week. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so horrible yesterday. Like I said, I have been keeping a journal and marking what I take and when I take it. I still only had 25 mg. yesterday but I was a lot more uncomfortable. Judging by how fast I was going through prescriptions before, I seriously had to have been taking anywhere from 4-6 (40-60mg)a day just as recently as 3 weeks ago. I am so thankful you are here. I would have nobody to help me with this info. My insurance doesn’t really supply doctors who know about this. The doctors (OR NURSES) I’ve talked to either say there should be no dependence yet or they rattle off the same taper schedule you would have tapering from ANY type of medication. Aren’t they all different? Thank you again.
Are you still there? I am getting more worried about detox now. I talked with a chemical dependence nurse from my insurance. She said that she did not recommend that I detox before my last surgery. She thought I should go through it once and for all after the next surgery. It has been really hard knowing what I am about to go through. I think I am dreading this detox almost more than I am dreading the surgery. (Maybe because this is my 3rd Achilles surgery.) I hate being a slave to this stuff. On the days that I had less vicodin, I noticed the tightening of the chest. I also have asthma. I feel worried about not being able to breathe. Should I check with my asthma doctor about that? Grr! I want all of this overwith. Pain wise, I could have lived without the vicodin for the last 4 weeks but I was told to stay comfortable and wait for the detox. I have never had a problem in my life that I had to wait to tackle. I am not very patient.
I had surgery two days before Christmas of 2008 and was prescribed an extensive supply of Hydrocodone, a generic form of Vicodin- about 4 refills of 30 pills (10mg). I took the drug at first to relieve the pain of surgery. About two weeks after the surgery the pain was gone and I began recreational use literally every night for another month, and I used all but one refill. I did not take the drug last night, and felt extremely anxious, sad, jittery, and I couldn’t sleep. Would this be considered withdrawal symptom? I do have trouble sleeping often and I am an anxious person by nature, but last night and today it was particularly bad. I do not have cravings to take the drug and don’t feel like it would be difficult to stop. Would it be dangerous to just immediately discontinue taking the Hydrocodone without any other precautions or actions on my part, just simply stop?
Also, to add to my above post… I take about 2-4 tablets of the 10/325 Hydrocodone ONLY at nightime for a period of a two weeks. I took the pills for two weeks before the two weeks of nightly recreational use, taking about 40mg-50mg/day. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on a gameplan for quitting, and how to control withdrawal (if I have it). And I wanted to say that I think this blog is great and very helpful/informative.
I apologize for the delay in response. You may have noticed in my other recent comments that I mention a family emergency that I had to attend to which kept me away from this site for a while.
@SweetFreedom
I hope everything is ok with you. Please let us know how everything turned out.
@Markus
I hope I didn’t catch you too late. If this is the first time you’ve had trouble with the Vicodin, then consider yourself lucky. You should have no problem getting back to your normal life physically in a few short days. Do you have a large supply? If so, I would say that you taper your dose. Since your tolerance is not that high, I would suggest you wait and take a pill when you feel like you just can’t stand it anymore. But, don’t take the whole 10mg. Take like 2.5mg and see how you feel. If that holds you over, then just do that. You’ll have to adjust accordingly, but the hardest part is overcoming the temptation to get high again…if that’s what you were using them for. It’s impossible to taper unless you’re willing to ignore that part of your mind that tells you to get loaded. Best of luck to you Markus. If you want, you can send me a private message so we can chat.
Take Care
I made it through my last (hopefully) surgery. I am almost 3 weeks post-op. I contacted a chemical dependence nurse with my insurance. Turns out that she works with my orhtopaedic’s office all of the time. Apparently the type of surgeries I have had tends to lend itself to some chemical dependence because the pain stays pretty intense for a while. I tried last week to see how little pain medication I could go with and found myself in tears staring at the crack in the wall. My leg is still hurting pretty bad. My doctor’s office was supportive when I told them I wanted off of the Vicodin but they said it may be a little soon. I had to have more done to my left Achilles than we all originally thought and then I had one of the 3 incisions get some infection in it. This didn’t help matters too much. I took your advice and used as little of the Dilauded as I could. Only used a pediatric dose for about 3 days post-op.
Vicodin does not make me feel high. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I have to balance between how much pain I can take and how much nausea and headache I can take. I know I could not have made it through these surgeries without it but I will be glad when there are no more prescriptions with my name on it.
The feeling my body gets when I haven’t had any for 6-8 hours (at night) is really scary. I feel a little like my throat is closing in. Is this normal?
I hope your family emergency has worked out. Thanks for being here.
@SweetFreedom
My family emergency did work out, but I had to attend to it for a little bit, that’s why I’ve been away from VicodinWithdrawal.org. Thanks for asking.
Great job on the low Dilaudid dose! It might not seem like it, but that’s a big step. When I did things like that, I knew that I was serious about getting better. I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in, so it’s hard for me to give you advice in that department. All I can say is hang in there. Just picture yourself when all of this is over, and you’re treating yourself to the real things in life that you enjoy. That’s gonna to be a beautiful moment. It’s happened to me before, and I get goosebumps thinking about it.
Best regards SweetFreedom. Let me know how everything works out.
Hi there! How are you doing? I am doing okay. I have been working on the taper for about 3 weeks now and that is going (so far) surprisingly easy. I am going to call my doctor today to see if there are any non-narcotic pain relievers that I can use at the same time. I am still having some pain problems and I don’t want to go backwords on the taper. The dose I am on now is just not enough for pain relief. Do you have any suggestions?
Hi Again,
I talked to the doctor today. What do you think of Tramadol?
Sweet Freedom,
Great to hear that you’re doing well, and that the taper is working out too. I would recommend that you stay away from Tramadol as an alternative for pain management. Although it’s classified as a non-opiate (true in part) synthetic analgesic, it still works on the same receptor sites in the brain and has nearly an identical “buzz” to most narcotic pain killers. It can also cause horrendous withdrawals that would make a Vicodin detox feel like a walk in the park. Read some of these stories and you’ll know what I mean: http://www.erowid.org/experiences/subs/exp_Pharms_Tramadol_Addiction_Habituation.shtml
That’s my advice, but I do realize that drugs affect everyone differently. If you do decide to go with the Tramadol, be very very careful.
Take care
Thanks so much for the quick response. I have decided not to take ANY Tramadol. I came home from the doctor with a bottle of the stuff and decided to do some research. I didn’t like what I read so I called the chemical dependence nurse through my insurance and she is upset that Tramadol is still used in the U.S. She told me the same thing you did. We destroyed the prescription. Why would someone prescribe that! The pharmacist didn’t even think it was a problem. Why? I am glad I have already learned a healthy distrust of medicine in general. I guess I’ll just stick with where I am at with my taper and try to push through some of the pain on my own. Thanks again!
Sweet Freedom,
No problem, glad to help. I think that if you really feel you need a narcotic pain killer, then Codeine is probably the safest. But, it all depends on where you are mentally. If you can maintain enough of a dose to take care of your pain without feeling the need (craving) to up your dose to get high, then you should be able to regulate your use without problem.
I don’t know that I feel high when I take the vicodin. I think I feel more high when it is time for another dose and my head is a little more clear because it is wearing off. I don’t like the feeling on the vicodin. I could do without the headache and nausea and bloating. The chemical dependence nurse suggested to me that some of the pain I am having may be because the narcotics I have been on has “reset” my pain messengers. She cautioned me about not doing anything stupid and totally ignoring the pain. But my pain might be exaggerated and in a sense “fake”. I have to admit, that if it is my mind and nerves playing tricks on me then I will figure it out and I will beat that. I have been afraid to challenge the pain ever since my rupture almost 3 years ago because losing function in a leg was kind of tramatic. But I will challenge it. She said she is not sure but that there is a chance that after a few years of being off the vicodin, my pain messengers may “reset” back to normal to where I have a higher pain tolerance again. At 17 I finished playing about 40 minutes of a soccer game with a very obvious broken leg, You could see it when I took my shin guard off. When I had my face fixed (nose and cheekbones), I had to take something for about 6-8 weeks and when the low back issues, including a small fracture in my spine started, I chose to take vicodin so that I could function easier with two small babies to care for. I should have just toughed it out like I did when I was younger.
This nurse keeps suggesting a drug called Suboxone to lessen the affects of the withdrawal. Do you have any feelings about it? Thanks again for being there. I feel like you are my secret weapon aginst this whole mess. You have been such a blessing to me. Please don’t be afraid to be bluntly honest with me. I respond to that rather well.
Sweet Freedom,
Sooo sorry I took so long to respond. For some reason this comment went into my comment spam trap. It’s usually really good about not blocking legitimate comments, but not in this case.
As for Suboxone; I can’t speak from experience on that one. I’ve never taken it myself, so I can only go by what others have said. There’s been mixed reviews, and I think it’s all relative. For the junkie who’s sharing needles on the street, Suboxone will be a miracle, but for someone like you, there are better alternatives. I’ve been trying to feel you out this whole time to see if there’s any type of psychological addiction there, but I don’t see it. If you really feel confident in your ability to control your use, then I would stick with the regular opiates (vicodin/codeine) until you’re ready to start fighting the pain. The thing your Doc said about your receptors is most likely true, so it may take some time for your pain tolerance to increase, but you will get there as long as you keep trying. It’s easy for us to accept the medicated approach to pain management because, it’s so easily available, but these days I’m all about testing myself. I try to push my pain threshold just to see how far I can go. Sometimes it’s a bit extreme, but I’m glad it’s on the opposite end of the spectrum now. You’ll be surprised how much you can tolerate without drugs.
Is anyone out there? I need help. I want to quit but the withdrawal is horrible. No one knows the true extent of my addiction. I don’t want people to know but I can’t do this alone.
Thanks for the reply on the Suboxone. I am really leaning against using any new drugs to help me get off the one I am on anyway but it helps to hear it from someone else.
I am REALLY stubborn and so far, in my life, when I turn against something, it is history. My usual choice is to end or destroy immediately. Having to do this gradually has been my challenge. So far I am winning but I do not underestimate this stuff. I am down to taking 3 a day (Mostly at night to sleep). My head is starting to clear. My bowels are starting to clear as well. (Sick! I know! but I never thought I would be excited for something like that to happen)
I have had a couple of nights that my pain increased sharply. I took my chemical dependence nurse’s advice and decided to push through it just to see what would happen. Ohhhh the ANGER I felt when after a while, the pain went away WITHOUT ANY PAIN MEDS. Your body will try to trick you to get more.. I also felt some freedom as well. The pain can not control my actions anymore. I can see how if a person does not fight this early it can lead to years of unnecessary use. I understand this now.
It seems as if my body knows what I am doing. It fought me at first but it almost seems as if it is expecting the constant decrease and is going along with it easier. I am sure the big ending flu will not be comfortable but if it is really horrible…so be it. My taper schedule has me ending around the end of May/early part of June. I can’t wait. My family played several board games this weekend. With my head being a little bit clearer, I won everything. Teehee. The fog is lifting! Thanks again! I will let you know when it is over.
Gee, My story is a lot like Kristins… My kids are grown now though, I take 90 Vicoprofen 7.5’s in less than a damn week. I have chronic head and neck pain as well as a back injury from a horse back riding accident. I have tried every therapy available and nothing works except the Vikes. I know that I am less motivated while on them and they make me smoke cigarettes (I usually do not). After my monthly supply is gone, (one week) i crash hard! I need a ton of sleep and my body is in such pain! I want to stop but the release from the pain is so good!
Hi there I am 74 hrs into my detox, heavy addict here man just reaching out to anyone on or about day 3 of this hell, I have not slept since Saturday the insomnia and panic are severe. The chills and pain I’m used to. Pray for me please. I will check in daily.
Well it is now Tuesday Day 4 still no sleep and the fear is my driving emotion, the fear that I really can not stop, that I will die from this(active drug use) I have two great kids 11 and 8 a wife who as put up with my shit.
I have lost all self-worth, and all hope. I was helped by this blog and so a will not use today no matter what, I have tried everything, rehabs, jails, moves, new jobs, nothing has ever worked.
I have been using for 30 years–started drinking at 13 and am now 43. The last 6 years have been a steady diet of Vicodin, Xanax, Soma and Morphine. Various amounts daily usually whatever I had. I have gone cold turkey 100 times over the years, but never make it more than a few days. I never want to be sick again. I am done, I can not use and live.
Peace
Joe,
Thanks for sharing man.
Believe me, I know how hopeless this crap can make you feel, but you’ve gotta hang in there. Do you have any type of support system? It’s super tough to go through it on your own. Ninety-nine percent of my detoxes were done alone, so I know how it feels. But, it can be easier if you have some buddies who’ve been to the dark side, and actually made it back. That’s the key, you have to hold on to that little bit of hope that says: “You know what, I want to live my life without drugs”. It’s probably a tiny voice right now, but it grows stronger as the time passes. Trust that tiny voice, listen to it. This is a war, and wars are won through a series of tiny battles. So begin with your first battle…start resisting. Don’t give in to your temptation to pop all those pills. Do what you have to do to stay clean. Remember that tiny voice?, the one that gives you hope?…that’s the real you.
Hang in there.
Wow, Thanks for the response. Day 5 has begun. I have my wife and kids too help with these first few days, after that it will be time for new friends. I have been to NA and AA so I know clean people, right now shame and sickness has me pretty isolated that is why this blog has made a difference.
I actually look forward to making it through the day so I can post. Physically I feel just better enough to begin the insanity of worrying about everything that is wrong in my life.
But my motto now is minute by minute I am getting better.
Plan for today-take a walk, pray, and don’t use.
Day 6-I now feel like I have been through the wringer. The good news I got a few hours of sleep last night, however now my energy level is gone, my back is killing me and I have a all the negative thoughts running wild in my head. The what is the use thought, the one won’t kill me thought. And the big one, what the hell am I going to do now thought.
I am so very grateful for all the posts on this place, I am not alone, I can get through this and most of all I like everyone who finds this place am worth it, we all are. Pills are not the answer for me, Today i got to look for what is, and that search I know for me begins by asking in prayer.
Yeah Day 6 with all it’s glory is now upon me.
Peace
Day 7 is here, to be honest it is this week the 7-14 day period that is my real stumbling block. Over the years I have 9 times out of 10 gone back to the pills during this time period. It’s nuts man I spend a week near death with mental anguish that is beyond description.
Then the day I feel somewhat normal I will take a pill. I guess it is that empty, scared, fear that I never could deal with It really is crazy man.
I so identified with the depression parts of this blog thanks for that information.
I am going to do it different today, I usually (looking back) have isolated myself during this week. Today I will MAKE myself get around some people, do some exercising, I spent 5 hrs on yard work yesterday—it was nice to be out in the fresh air.
To anyone starting this road, WELCOME.
Joe,
Congrats on day 7…good job!!!
Ya, it was like clockwork for me at around the two week mark. I would start feeling good again, and that all too familiar voice would give me a little whisper. Then it’s like a chess match from there. If I could get through two weeks, then the third week would be pretty smooth, but by day 30 I would hear it again. It’s usually around day 60 where it’s not such a one way battle anymore. Hang in there man.
I’m glad the depression post helped you out. Go out and enjoy some clean life…it’s not half bad.
And don’t forget to keep us updated.
Take care
Day 8 (so it is true you can stop using drugs and live through 7days). Again, thanks for the response admin, you are helping REALLY. I now feel much better physically, back pain is lessing, the RLS of course keeps me from falling asleep but i got another 4 hours last night so I’ll take it.
Now some physical activity, prayer and positive people hope everyone has a great weekend.
Day 9- Woke up really early it’s 5 in the morning here. I slept though so I am really happy about that. I have spent the last 2 days out in the hot sun, and the last 2 nights around positive people.
Here is the really confusing part for me, while my pain has subsided to a manageable level my emotions are so out of wack I am ok one minute, than in a silent rage type feeling, then guilt stricken , than worried, than grateful. Man I need some peace. Of course to not be loaded on Dope is all I really want right now so for today I will enjoy not being out there on the chase for dope, or manipulating or stealing or lying pr being to sick to get up.
There is a reason I stopped, I never want to forget that reason. And that reason is I am a much healthier person OFF dope.
Day 10 WOW double digit days.. been a long time since I’ve made it this far, something I never would have accomplished alone. I can only speak on my life on Vicodin (I used for the effect, the energy, the feeling of well being, and the way it made my daily life bearable)
But the reality was it was causing me so many more problems than it was fixing at least over the last few years, but I just could not stop. Well I have stopped, the question now is. Can I stay stopped.
For today I can.
Pwace
What I meant to say was
Peace
Joe,
You are such an inspiration. I know those words sound dumb but you have no idea how much respect I have for you. Thanks for sharing your fight.
I am in my final weeks of a Vicodin taper. Not looking forward to the final flu that is going hit but it will be worth it.
Day 11 is here and it is getting better. I wrote a longer post earlier but I don’t see it.
Physically I feel stronger than I have since this process started but I really am dogged by a sense of impending doom, and just the complete absence of natural positive good feelings. I am forcing myself to do stuff and I pray alot, exercise and share here and with friends and family.
If the earlier post shows up please forgive the double posting.
Peace
Joe,
I noticed that your other comment for day 11 went into my spam folder for some reason. Then, when I was going to approve it, I accidentally pressed delete. Oops! I think it’s the late nights and the caffeine getting to me. I need some rest.
Oh that familiar sense of impending doom. It’s wonderful isn’t it? It would be easy for me to tell you that what you’re feeling right now is a false emotion because, well, I’m not the one feeling it. But we all know that in the heat of the moment, it feels way too REAL and personal…right? I hate to sound cliche, but it’s true when they say that “this too shall pass.” Pretend like you’re walking blindfolded through the forest right now. It’s a forest that you’re going to have to walk through whether it’s now or 5 years from now. We all eventually have to come to that point where we say; “ok, I’m done! I’m ready to be through with this sh*t!” But the great thing is that we only need to walk through it just once. It’s our own choice. I’ve personally made myself walk through that forest countless times, but that was because deep down inside I knew that I wasn’t done.
We can try and use again, we can try and moderate, and we might even be successful at it for some time. But for those of us that who have that romance with opiates, doesn’t it eventually lead us back to that spot where the sh*t hits the fan? Where it becomes unmanageable?
I can’t guess whether or not you’re going to stay clean. But, I’ll tell you that in my life, I’ve had to face the music on more than one occasion, and every time it took a little more strength to make it back. So the truth is that we either make it back, or we slowly work our way into a Heath Ledger type deal. Pretty sh*tty deal if you ask me.
Keep praying Joe. There are a ton of ways that you can get and stay clean (i.e. detox, 12-steps, CBT, etc…), but if you’ve read my “About” page you’ll know that my perspective is that recovery is very much a personal process. What works for me might not work for you and vice versa. If we’re not consciously searching for what works for us, then we’re consciously searching for that next fix.
God Bless
Thanks for the posts guys they are a major reason for my survival.
Sweet Freedom thanks for the kind words, No they are not dumb, life sustaining would be more appropriate.
Day 12 is here and yeah admin I know what you mean there is something different about this time. That difference is that I really deep down KNOW without a doubt dope will kill me. I don\t think I deep down every really believed that or if i did I didn’t care.
—->”If we’re not consciously searching for what works for us, then we’re consciously searching for that next fix.”
Now there is a truth I need to keep in the forefront above the noise in my head. Thanks.
For me I would describe this whole 30 year run on dope as believing the lie, I mean I had to lie to myself every day, in some fashion. I had to lie to people I came in contact with. I have lied so long, well I start to believe them myself.
I don’t know what is true.
I do know these fact are evident.
1. Dope turns me into someone I do not want to be.
2. If I take a pill, just one it will lead to another. And at some point the shit will hit the fan, and the reason will be a choice I made under the influence of the dope.
For now I am actively searching for ways to treat this depression. I am trying prayer, exercise and sharing with others while these have not eliminated the depression I am thankfully still alive.
The good news. I never have to do this again.
Sorry about the long post. I hate to go on and on. I am so grateful this blog is here and is saving my life.
Day 13, I feel well physically this morning, my legs hurt a bit but nothing drastic, I slept a few hours. Still taking me about 3 hours to fall asleep. I have not tried any sleep remedies. (figure my brain chemistry is still a mess). Emotionally I am still pretty much a basket case.
I was checking out where it says some symptom of PAWS are irritability (got it) and inability to handle stress or make decisions. ( Seems like every interaction I have with another human being is stressful. Here is to anyone who will decide today that they have had enough.
Peace
Day 14- I can not believe it. 14 days without a pill. I could create a list a mile long of what is wrong in my life or I can focus on what is REALLY an incredible thing. I have not taken a pill in 14 days. Only one word MIRACLE.
Thanks everyone and have a great weekend.
Peace
I heard this nugget at a meeting years ago, I think I get it. The dude said, “If i get hit by a train it will not be the caboose that kills me, will it?”
Day 15, Man the last few days have been really hard mentally. I’m not sure exactly what is going on. I guess it’s that I have been given so much information over the years, from 12 step folks, religious folks, mental health folks.
My Problem is that I never get this feeling of “Wow I’ll never use again.” Call it being Born again, or Surrender or whatever.
For me not using is really hard, I get a moment of peace followed by a long period of anguish.
I just ask God to not use and help me bear the pain.
Peace
Joe,
I’m gonna tell you what’s helped me stay clean, and I hope that it helps you too. If any part of it that strikes a cord with you, keep it. Otherwise, seek your own way. Eventually you’ll find it.
I did the whole 12-step thing years ago. Actually, I was forced to do it. It was a court mandated program that was based mainly on the 12-steps. For some reason, I always felt out of place at the meetings. Looking back, I think that my main problem wasn’t with all of the steps, just one of them…just the first one. I agree with all of the other ones, but I couldn’t admit to myself that I was powerless. A friend’s Dad introduced me to Christianity when I was around 12 years old, so I’ve always been a little bit religious. I believe in God, and I believe that the power of prayer is HUGE!, but I also believe that we’ve been given free will in this life, and we need to use that freedom very wisely. Debating whether addiction is a disease or not, is irrelevant to me. I’m a problem solver, and the problem is that for some reason I like opiates…A LOT! My brain likes to think that I need opiates in order to survive, and it does everything in its power to get me to use.
I believed that the problem with saying that “I’m powerless” was that I would be expecting God or a sponsor to bail me out of all my tough “cravings.” But I realized that He never really bailed me out, He just gave me advice, He guided me, but in the end I was the one who made the choice to use or not…not Him. The 12-steps help you in staying on the right path by giving you a sponsor and meetings. But to me, that’s like using a crutch for your free mind.
You know those days where you’re just romancing the heck out of the drugs? You’re ready to get high! At any moment, you’re ready to go score something to feel great. In NA and AA, they say that those are the moments when you’re powerless, in other words, you’re on auto-pilot and you’re just going through the motions. They also say that if you’re at that point, then you haven’t been working your program, and you’ve already relapsed. In a way that’s true, but I don’t like the whole “point of no return” thing. I believe that no matter how close you are to using, you still have the option of saying “NO!” And when you do, that is when your bond with your God will get closer. Winning those little battles is what wins the war. Sometimes you can’t rely on a sponsor or God to win those battles for you. You have to win them yourself, but when you do, it’s like God gives you a standing ovation. He loves it! So, my goal became figuring out how I could win those little battles alone.
Do you ever wonder why you feel like you can’t quit? Do you ever wonder why don’t feel like you could ever be without the drug, yet you still feel like you need to quit because all the crap you’ve gone through because of it. That’s called “ambivalence.” It’s almost like you’re two people.
About 5 years ago, I found this site called http://www.rational.org. Back then, I was pretty indoctrinated by the disease model of thinking, so I thought the site was a load of crap. But, I gave it a try anyway, and the one thing that it has really helped me out with, has been giving me the ability to separate myself from my addictive voice. That voice that says “you’ll never get/stay clean.” Addiction has a way of blurring the line between your rational and animal mind. You can call it the “spirit” and the “flesh”. The spirit tells you that life is better without drugs, but the flesh won’t have it. Having the ability to recognize who’s who, is indispensable.
These days, I use my own ability to recognize my addictive voice and just ignore it. At first it’s really tough, but as time progresses, it becomes a cakewalk. I’m also very spiritual. So, it’s like I’ve taken a hybrid approach to recovery. I’ve taken the rest of the steps from NA, and coupled them with my own ability to control my cravings, and it’s helped me out tremendously. I don’t have to go to meetings, and I don’t need a sponsor to stay clean.
So, take a look at that site, and see if it helps you out. Best of luck to you Joe. I’ll keep you in my prayers, and I’m sure you’re going to be just fine. Remember, that voice that says “I want opiates now!!” It’s bullshit. It’s not you. You want to stay clean. You want to be happy without drugs. You want the good life. The good life doesn’t come with drug abuse.
Hey thanks for sharing.
I did got to the site you mentioned. I had checked on RR years ago. I am able to recognize my AV.
I guess I can quit counting the days now, seeing as my beast has no concept of time. I will continue to explore everything this life of being drug free has to offer, who knows what’s out here.
I hope I can keep coming here and sharing, it’s a special place you’ve got.
Thanks.
Hey Everyone,
Just a few thoughts on me day Saturday. I spent a few hours on the web site for RR. I read the entire site, I was somewhat familiar with the concept. I took the crash course, and with all the honesty I could muster I went through the 28 flash cards and made my big plan.
I had an actual physical reaction to it. For the next day my body had a terrible headache and my back and legs really hurt. It was weird.
Than I woke up Sunday and I felt better physically than I have in years. And I thought I NEVER have to use again EVER.
I really enjoy that thought.
Having been in the “system of recovery” here in the US since like 1990 with bouts of being clean followed by more drastic bouts of using, I not sure what is scarier not using or not relying on stuff that wasn’t working for me. Meetings, Steps that kind of stuff.
I thought you either got NA or you died. That is a weird thought must be my beast.
And man I was AMBIVALENT. Everyday about most things.
My issue now is a perplexing one. I’m not sure I know how to be personally responsible, I’m not sure what my core values are, I don’t know how to succeed I can’t handle failure. I have no idea what to do with my life. Man confusion and is all over me. Of course it does sound just like the voice that tells me to use.
Maybe my AV also shames me, tells me I can’t enjoy life, tells me I’ll fail. I’ll keep listening and learning.
Hey Admin,
Thanks for the new path I can go down I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going.
Peace
Hey,
I just wanted to stop by and say Hi. Feeling well today physically and am taking life as it comes today. Hope everyone searching for a way out of the darkness of addiction finds a way,
Joe,
That RR crash course really changed my perspective on this whole thing back when I read it. I’m glad it helped you out a bit.
I’m also happy you’re feeling good.
Feeling good is a good thing.
You almost forgot how it felt huh?
Try and get in some exercise. Get those endorphins flowing.
Good Morning everyone,
I continue on my path. scared and uncertain about life, but secure in my faith. I do have core values. I love my family, I am compassionate to others who suffer, I believe in God, I believe in working for what you want. I believe in a greater purpose than self. I believe in having fun. I had mentioned I wasn’t sure if I had values, I do and I will use them to keep me centered.
I have been exercising daily. Right now I walk (about 3 miles a day) and do push-ups. I am rather out of shape but I will push myself a bit more. I love swimming and basketball and golf so I will start enjoying these activities again.
Have fun folks.
Just wanted to stop by and say hi. Hope everyone has a real good day. Couldn’t sleep well last night. My mind would not shut off. I just keep thinking and thinking about my life.
I hope I can reduce my anxiety and worry over time.
Peace
Here is to a weekend of peace and joy. I hope everyone does something fun. I must admit the freedom from having to take a pill is really nice. If you have stopped using congrats. If you want to stop using, use the information here to assist you. There is some really excellent information here.
Oh yeah PAWS is real but knowing that the anxiety and horrible depression i go through at various points of the day, is not going to be a constant state but one that life’s stress does trigger has made such a difference
My plan for the weekend is to fave fun, and enjoy not using
Peace
Good Morning.
Sun is coming up and it’s gonna be a scorcher here, My plans for today are listening to some music, exercising and breaking a sweat.
I get frustrated sometimes at my lower back, I think I do have something wrong with it. Of course I lied to Dr.s all the time about how bad my back hurt. (I was seeking drugs). But i notice now I have bad back pain if I sit for a long time, and by the end of each day I’m sore.
Any thoughts anyone on treating back pain without narcotics?
Peace
Monday. I just wanted to say thanks for everything. I mean I am starting to feel human again. I have been using the AVRT to keep me clean. The amazing thing about it is the amount of negative thoughts I have, I would venture to say the 98% of my thoughts are negative or my AV. It’s crazy.
However, I know the the real me, the true thought is that voice that says. You do not want to use, You want to Have a life, a family, hope in a better day, so I really am using a ton of positive reinforcements daily and so far so good.
Have a great week folks.
Peace
Joe,
You have no idea how happy I am for you. Congrats! Keep it up.
There is so much to life that I didn’t explore because I was too busy getting loaded. These days, I’m always on the lookout for ways to get high off life. And believe me, I’m never let down.
Take care.
Thanks for the posts. I am feeling very much alone in this addiction struggle.
I was heavily addicted to opiates for many years and got clean almost 20 yrs ago and stayed that way for 15 of them. About 5 yrs ago I made the mistake of innocently taking a percocet after a medical procedure and it must have triggered the addict in me because the beast was once again out of the cage. It happened gradually but as soon as I discovered you could buy vicodin over the internet it was just so damn had to stop.
Anyway, over the last few years I’ve tried to quit several times. I once made it for 3 months but I went back to the vicodin. I’m a pretty health conscious person so I’ve managed to keep my dose down to no more than 30 mg of the 10/325 per day for the entire 5 yrs I’ve taken them.
The crazy thing is, I loved my clean and sober life so much. For you Joe, and anyone else reading this it’s true when they say your life gets better. I promise you it will and you’ll gain a respect and love for yourself that you never could imagine. I want that back so bad and I really feel that i’m ready this time. I’ve had enough of this prison of addiction. I want my freedom back!
I gradually tapered off and I’m on day 3 with no pills. I feel terrible and have leg pains and no energy but I’m getting through it. I’ve been here many times before so I know what to expect.
What I know for sure is that I can’t do this without the help of god. I’ve been praying a lot lately and I know it’s helping. And I’m focusing on whats important in my life. I know that addiction is robbing me of my joy. There is so much living left to do and I can’t do it being a prisoner of these stupid pills.
I hope everyone is doing good today.
Thanks for all your courage and wisdom.
Hi folks,
I guess you could say I walk around amazed, I am just amazed that I am not sick, amazed that I am not on the chase for dope, amazed that I am feeling better physically.
I know that daily effort on my part is required if I just don’t want to stop the pills. My real goal is to become healthy.
I am turning from someone who is not taking pills into a someone who is living their life to the fullest. (That’s what I’ve deep down wanted all along).
If their is a voice somewhere in you mind saying something like ‘Man these pills are killing me” or “I want to stop this madness” or whatever it’s telling you. If you should decide to listen to it. I’ll be here rooting you on.
Peace
Hello folks,
Been five days clean here. My girlfriend and I decided to stop this filthy habit. It all started when my dad put me on vicodin because I have really bad jaw pain from grinding my teeth really bad during sleep. When those ran dry I started buying Oxycontin. My girlfriend and I pretty much split every thing we got. We were using for about 9 months but never went over doing about 80mg of Oxycontin a day. Over the 9 months there were times where we could not get the drug and went threw withdrawl for a couple days until we found more. My question is with the amount and time that we have been doing this will we be hit with PAWS badly, I know its different for everybody.
Thanks for your help this site has been a huge help and should be considered the site you need to go to for stopping painkillers.
Jeff,
I’ve never taken Oxycontin myself, but let me give you an idea of how that converts to Vicodin.
80mg’s of Oxycodone (Oxycontin) converts to about 120mg’s of Hydrocodone (Vicodin) according to the online narcotic dosage converter found here: http://www.globalrph.com/narcotic.cgi.
That’s like 24 regular strength Vicodin a day…not too shabby.
I remember being up to about 14 a day at one point, but that was early on in my opiate abuse career. The real question is, how long have you been using over the course of your lifetime? Not just these recent 9-months. I think your use history has a lot to do with how long it takes for you to fully recover, at least it did for me.
If you’re relatively new to the opiate game, then you shouldn’t feel the PAWS for more than a couple weeks. You can probably even speed up the process by adding to your immune health with things like exercise, vitamins etc…
I wish you and your girlfriend the best. Let us know how it goes.
Good Morning,
Man I am so excited to see some new folks checking out ways to get off pills. That is awesome.
Nina-. You sound alot like me. The depression and loneliness is brutal. That’s why I come here everyday, I took over this posting area,( I felt kinda weird, and selfish) but Admin is so cool here that they let me ramble it has helped so much. I hope you find comfort here. Please keep us posted on how it’s going.
Jeff-way to go Five days clean, Man that that is incredible. The aftershocks of opiate dependence that have are brutal but I want the good life brother and they tell me it’s down the road a bit. So I just keep going down it.
Peace
Hello everybody,
My girlfriend and I are nearing our 6th day clean!!! Today was the best day mental wise. I still have pretty bad leg cramps which get worse at night…
Adam thanks for the response. This was are first and last run with the pills. 9 months went by fast felt like I was in a dream. But anyways finally talked to my parents about my addiction and my dad is a doctor so he said since I wasn’t to heavy into them it shouldn’t be to bad. I just wish this leg cramping would leave!!!
Joe Thank you for your kind words really helped me out the day I read them!!!
Stay clean everybody and keep up that happy life!!!
Good Morning Folks,
Friday. I am actually getting excited about normal things again. (Like Weekends) Do you know how long it’s been since what day of the week it was even mattered. It is these little rewards right now that keep me fired up.
Everyday when I am popping pills is the same, wake up sick, take some pills, be disgruntled with life, search for a high that no longer existed for me and if I was lucky take enough pills so that I would pass out.
Today I am up, NOT SICK, and I have an eagerness to the day.
Jeff- Awesome brother. I can related to those leg cramps man. I read a post on here somewhere where a lady was saying the body is electricity flowing from the mind and exiting out of the bottom of your feet. During withdrawal your body is firing more juice than it can process thus the cramping. Made sense to me.
I figure if I have to go through leg cramping just once for the hope of a better life it is so worth it. I mean humans walk for 1000’s of miles across the deserts on this planet in search of a better life. I Consider myself a Lost Boy journeying to a whole new world any pain is temporary and the paradise awaits. Best of luck brother.
Have a great weekend folks.
Good morning!
Day 7 and I feel pretty good. I’m sleeping and the leg cramps are finally gone. My energy is returning slowly every day and I’m starting to be so much more alert and aware mentally. It’s nuts how we would want to sedate ourselves like that for so long.
I’m looking so forward to this summer being free from these pills. I can go camping, hiking all those fun things without worrying about having enough pills with me to keep going.
Joe and Jeff …you both sound so positive and I’ll pray for you (and your girfriend,) to stay clean.
This is the beginning of a incredible life for all of us.
Have a great weekend!
Good Morning.
Congrats on Day 7 Nina, and more importantly thanks so much for keeping us posted. I know that any little thing I do ( like a 10 second post here) helps keep me moving towards a richer, fuller life. Enjoy and Best of luck.
Plan for the day–Go outside in This heat and soak it into my bones, Pray and Smile.
Peace
Hey Everyone,
Monday Morning and I am up and happy, One thing I have noticed is, that over the past couple of days my Addictive Voice has become more cunning. It doesn’t tell me “Hey let’s get some pills. It tells me, “This is hopeless, You will never do it, Your so far gone… All real negative stuff.
I realized that those thoughts are just has powerful. And they come out of nowhere and are really draining. When I get those negative thoughts I have been combating them. I understand that Any Thought, Image or Feeling that my mind creates that makes it OK to take a pill is just my addictive voice. And I am enjoying the good life to much to ruin it man.
On the Upside Today marks 30 days without a pill. I understand my AV has no concept of time. But I believe this is an accomplishment worth noting. Only in that I REALLY need to thank everyone here for their support.
Adam, You will never know how much I appreciate this place. Thank you brother. May God continue to bless you.
Peace
Joe,
Congratulations on day 30! That is awesome!!
I understand your reasoning for keeping track of time, even though the guys at RR say not to. Like I’ve said before, I take bits and pieces of different ideologies and mold them to what works for me as long as it doesn’t undermine my faith in God. I think that keeping track of time is a great way to celebrate your sobriety. It’s a barometer for success in my opinion, and should be considered sacred. On the same note, after a few relapses, I’ve come to understand that the guilt and shame of losing my sacred “time” has no place in my heart. When I began accepting full responsibility for my relapses, I realized that the length and duration of the relapse itself was shortened. Guilt and shame have a horrible way of prolonging the inevitable step back into recovery, so remember, don’t ever beat yourself up for using, it only makes things worse.
Thanks for the kinds words Joe. You’re always welcome to share your journey here with us, and I know that you’ll be an inspiration to anyone who reads your comments.
God bless you too.
Hey everybody.
Here is to a day without pills. Yeah, I always thought there was a right way and a wrong way to getting and staying clean.
I picked up on this or my AV did while going to meetings and rehabs. That wacked me out 2 ways.
1. I felt like I was doing it wrong somehow, or
2. I felt like I was doing everything right and I still wanted to get loaded.
Either way both of those roads led me back to dope.
I now believe that whatever works for you is THE RIGHT WAY.
Somethings work and help me, and somethings don’t.
Prayer, Sharing my feelings, Exercise and Treating myself and others nice has been working. I will keep doing these.
Peace
Peace
Hi Folks,
Just wanted to say hello to anyone looking to get off pills. It is so Hot here where I live, WOW. Anyway last night I strained a back muscle, spasms the whole nine yards. It hurt like hell. I put some ice on it prayed and dealt with the pain (wasn’t easy).
Man This getting in shape is tough, but I can’t remember the last time I hurt myself doing something POSITIVE. Here is to anyone suffering pain that you find relief.
Peace
Morning everyone.
Just wanted to wish everyone a great day. I am going to enjoy the day. Have fun.
Peace
Hope everyone has a great weekend, I am going be swimming this weekend, staying by some water. Hope any person who stumbles across this place takes a look at the information contained here. It is useful.
Here is to our health.
Peace
Hi: I thought I would check-in and give an update on my progress. I have not had any vicodin since last Sunday. I had tapered down to 3/4 of a pill before Sunday. The first few days were really uncomfortable. The worst thing I felt was the body aches. My stomach hasn’t wanted much of anything accept water. I have felt a bit of the restless/panic stuff but the worst of that was over after the first 24 hours. The weirdest thing that has happened is that ever since the first night off off the stuff, I have literally slept like a baby for about 8 hours a night. Wasn’t expecting that at all!
I have told my doctor (supply) that I would have no more prescriptions. I think cutting off the supply is really important. I am very fortunate because I am finally painfree so I don’t have anymore chronic pain to learn how to deal with. My surgeries were a success.
My heart goes out to anyone reading this who wants off the narcotics but is still dealing with the pain. Anyone dealing with chronic pain without narcotics is much stronger than I.
Joe: I can not even explain how much reading your posts has helped me. You are an amazing person.
Admin: Thank you for teaching me about this. I was REALLY scared when I found your site. Knowledge is power but beating something like this is REAL power.
I wish there was more information about this stuff given to people. It seems like I have read more stories that are very similar to mine. Starting out with a painful medical condition and being told by my doctor that if I take it as directed there would be no dependence or addiction. This is so false and is so dangerous! I have a big mouth and don’t care much if people judge me for taking the pain pills. I will tell everyone who will listen about what happened and how it happened to me. I am a fighter…..can you tell?
I am fully aware that there are certain conditions that the ONLY thing they can do is prescribe pain pills. (A friend of mine has RSD and she hurts ALL OF THE TIME.) Until they do more research with nerve disorders, she has very little chance to be cured. Narcotics are so useful but also so dangerous. Someday maybe I’ll wrap my brain around it all.
For now, I am drug free, I know a lot more than I ever thought I would, and I will help anyone that I can.
Hey Everyone,
Up early this morning and wanted to stop by here and say hello. I am starting to get that the physical detox is pure hell and I wish nobody ever had to feel all that pain but the great thing is it passes, you can get through it.
Phase 2 of this journey getting yourself well mentally and dealing with the depression, (which for me is a feeling of emptiness, worthlessness and fear) is really lingering man.
I know this can also be treated and I have moments be it brief that I feel good.
I pulled a muscle in my back so the last couple of days I haven’t been able to work out and that I think is triggering some boredom and self pity.
I must get positive. I mean I am not dope sick, I’m not dead, I’m not in prison. I am FREE. Why the hell would I be depressed about that.
I guess I just needed to vent for a minute.
Here is to enjoying today, being thankful for the millions of blessings I have and doing some positive things.
Peace
Hi Joe,
I’ve been having some really low days myself. One thing that really helps me is doing a ritual every morning where I read something positive followed by affrimations that I say to myself while looking in the mirror. It feels kind of weird at first but I’m telling you those things really work. And then of course I pray and ask my higher power to guide me through the day. I try and pay attention to my thoughts throughout the day and catch the negitive ones and turn them around. I’ve learned that I can’t just expect happiness to come to me, I have to work at it and do all the things that make me feel good.
What you’re doing Joe is so incredibly hard and brave. The sad truth is most people never overcome addiction, but you’re doing it a day at a time. That’s a major accomplishment.
These weeks and months ahead of us are going to be tough but I know that we can both do it. The more time that goes by the better we’ll feel mentally and physically.
Stay strong and focus on the beauty around you!
Good Morning Folks,
Here is to a new week of pill free living.
To those sick I wish you health.
To those thinking about stopping, Your in my Prayers.
To those in the early hours of withdrawl, Hang in there man, you will one day soon stop hurting.
To those who have made it through the physical part here is to mental stability, continued hope and comfort.
Nina, thanks so much for the posts. God, you will never no the comfort I feel just knowing somebody is feeling some of the same stuff I am and has decided a pill won’t fix it.
I’ll give those affirmations a try. I”ll start slow with something like. “Today your honest and clean”. I can not think of a more positive message to give myself.
Have a great week.
Peace
SweetFreedom,
That is AWESOME!!!
I’m soooo happy to hear that you’re off the pills. Judging by how much sleep you had the first drug-free night, I’m assuming the tapering worked?
It makes my day to hear success stories, and remember that you can always count on us to listen.
Keep in touch, and you’re definitely a fighter. Look how far you’ve made it…two Achilles surgeries! You have every reason to be taking narcotics, but you’ve chosen not to. That’s a fighter in my book.
Good Morning Folks,
You know words never really sum up the ordeal, Sweet Freedom, man you are one tough cat.
I am inspired by your stories. In fact your posts got me hooked on this board, I could never thank you enough for stopping by and sharing your medical history and withdrawl process with us.
I am also happy to hear your sleeping. Please keep us posted on your fight.
Peace
Hey Adam or anyone that has any advice.
I think I’m on day 24 or 25 and I feel pretty good except I still have no energy. I’m getting really frustrated feeling like this every day. I’m exercising, taking vitamins, sleeping well and doing everything right. When the heck will I be back to normal? I’ve been taking vicodin for almost 6 yrs so I guess this is to be expected? I hope I didn’t do any permanent damage. And I’m afraid I’m going to give up and use again so I can feel normal.
Has anyone else ever felt this way for almost a month?
Nina,
I remember one occasion were it literally took me about 60 days to get back to 100%. I think that after 6 years of use, it would be safe to say that you’re probably going to be facing the same kind of scenario. I know it’s frustrating, but what helped me was not putting too much pressure on myself. When I would try and power through it, I would get even more frustrated, so instead, I would just accept that I couldn’t operate at full capacity. It was a great excuse to be a little lazy.
I slowly built up to having more energy, and eventually I forgot how bad it was. I would give it a little more time, and if you still feel like you’re really low on energy, then you may want to chat with your Doc about it. Also, try taking some l-tyrosine in the morning on an empty stomach. You can find that stuff at any nutrition store like GNC or Vitamin Shoppe.
Thanks Adam. You’re right, I need to just accept the situation as it is and do my best to feel good without putting pressure on myself. I know it will get better and I’m gratful to be clean today and heading in the right direction.
I think I may check out the RR website. It sounds like an interesting approach to recovery.
Thanks again.
No problem Nina.
Ya definitely check out that site. Even if it’s not for you, you’ll still gain some perspective into the alternatives. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll say it again here. I believe in my God, and I try and pray every single day. I’m not perfect, far from it actually, but I’m always trying to move in the right direction. There are times when I feel like God has plucked me out of a dangerous situation, and there are other times when I feel like it’s on me to make the right decision. The one thing that RR did for me was it helped me separate myself from my addictive voice, so I could better make that decision. You can call the addictive voice your “animal brain,” “inner demon,” “satan” or what have you, but whatever you call it, there is a way of shutting it down. You just recognize it for what it is, make the decision to ignore it, then continue your walk with God.
What you wrote Adam reminds me of that movie “A beautiful mind” He realized that the medication wasn’t the answer and he held the power within his own mind to cure himself. Although his delusions never completely went away he learned to ignore them.
I stayed clean for 17 yrs and now that I think of it thats what I did. I was lucky cause my demons shut down pretty guickly. I think it was because I put my focus so strongly on positive things like my career, marriage and health and fitness which kept those endorphines going. But most impotantly I developed a relationship with god that I had never known before recovering. I really never thought this could happen to me again. It just goes to show you how powerful this disease is.
Good Morning Folks,
Great to hear from you Nina, I’ll be praying that you start feeling more energetic.
Great to see people trying to get healthy. I have been moving along at a steady pace here.I know for me Vicodin and all opiates had a different effect on me.
For example I know people who take pain pills and it knocks them out. For me just the opposite occurred. I speed off them, I get energy from them. I never figured out why?
I am at that stage now where I am looking at my diet, when I was using I ate unhealthy all the time. Fast food, sweets, alot of sugar.
I try today to eat a well balanced diet. The hardest part is at work. I live out of the vending machines man. I really need to start bringing a lunch.
I think now that I am clean diet and exercise are my new obsessions. I need to exercise everyday in some way or form. A walk, a swim, bike ride, push ups, sit-ups, sports anything.
Also you know when I was using it was like I was going 120 mph (of course I was not getting anywhere) But my mind was moving you know.
Now that I am clean I’m going 55 man, which of course feels like I’m crawling but it is safe and I notice more. Now rather than going 120 in a 55 and having to worry about a ticket. I look for those times when there is no speed limit and I open it up.
Like when I am exercising, writing, listening to live music or doing something fun with my kids.
But you know I’m not 18 anymore, and I glad I’m not. That quest for staying young and feeling young through medicine just doesn’t work for me
I think I’ll age gracefully. Getting older sure beats not being around to get older.
Yeah healing takes time, So that is what I ask God for everyday. Time, the time to get healthy and enjoy life. Just a few weeks ago I was praying I’d die, now I pray I live. That for me is the Miracle I was looking for. The rest of the stuff is well filler.
Peace
Good to hear from you too Joe.
A lot of people I know also hate pain pills. They couldn’t imagine taking them to get high. I’m like you they give me so much energy. So maybe my energy isn’t as low as I think, it’s just that I’m used to going 120 mph too. Although in the end I have to admit they stoppoed giving me that energy. I think my body was worn out.
I guess everyones body chemistry is different which is why we all have our “drug of choice” My brother’s like a speed freak after a few beers and alcohol makes me so tired.
Today is rainy and dreary. I can sit around and mop or I can make myself get going, read some positive stuff and do an hour of yoga. As much as I dont want to do that I’m going to cause I know I’ll feel better.
I’m clean, I’m healthy and all is well in my world today.
Hope everyone has a good day!
Hi Everyone,
I was just thinking about you all and had to check in. It sounds like everyone is doing good. I guess I consider every day that a person fights the addiction as good.
It has almost been 3 weeks since my last dose. I don’t know if it’s good or not but I don’t think about taking the stuff much anymore. When I do think about it it’s because I forget sometimes when I am packing up for a day trip (or something) that I don’t have to pack any medicine to get me through the day. One thing I am noticing is some memory issues. I use to have a memory like a computer and could recall crazy amounts of information. I guess we’ll see if that comes back. Don’t know if I want it to come back. Hee hee.
Adam: Yes, the taper worked for me. I talked with my chemical dependence nurse and she told me (afterword) that tapers rarely work. I guess I am glad I didn’t know that before I did it. I would have been even more frightened. Everytime I got a prescription, I would sit with my husband and break down the bottle into individual pre-determined daily doses. I put the doses in little baggies which I am sure would have been VERY suspicious if a cop had seen it. Since my husband is a cop, he made me carry the baggie in a prescription bottle just for protection although he said cops are not really interested in the low amounts like that. Too funny!
Nina: I agree with you that everyone’s body reacts to the medication differently. My Achilles tendons felt relief when I took a pill but everywhere else felt terrible. I felt like I had a 9 pound bowling ball in my stomach the whole time. My head felt the same as the feeling you get when you have been crying for a long time.
Joe: I use to be an exercise fanatic. I can not wait until I can get back to some of those activities. I still have to be careful with my legs because they are still healing. I am using a recumbent exercise bike now. It is safe for allowing more healing and not doing more damage and at least I can get some cardio going. I am looking at next Spring before I can start doing anything really fun. A year to 18 months is the healing period my doctor gave me for the Achilles reconstructions I had done. My last surgery was the last day in January (2009). Have fun working out for me!! I love getting worn out from exercise.
I better get going but please know that I am thinking about you guys.
Good Morning,
Nice to see everything is going well for you Sweet Freedom. I am glad tapering worked for you. Why your chemical dependency nurse would say it rarely works is kinda weird.
I mean it worked for you, isn’t that the important thing.
I guess that’s my deal now. If you do not want to use pills and you get to a point where you are using them even when deep inside you know they are killing you (which is how I felt for years). And you make it from using to not using how ever you cross that bridge is the perfect way for you.
If tapering works great, If cold turkey works great, if locking yourself up works great. I mean we are getting from Point A killing ourselves with pills, to Point B not killing ourselves with pills. How you get there is your choice man.
This last time I went Cold Turkey-it worked. I ate a punch of pills and went to bed. Woke up 23 hours later and said Whatever it takes I will not use.
I then got so sick and pain filled and an mentally anguished I hoped I would die, By the third day when I could actually not take one more minute of the insanity I got out of bed.
I so desperately needed relief I just googled something like dealing with the pain of vicodin withdrawl or something like that.
I clicked on this site and began to read. It made just enough sense that I came here the next day.
I mean if you are at this site and you want to stop killing yourself with pills post something, anything and let us know it seems like a small insignificant thing but it is really isn’t it.
All right, rant over man. I just love not taking pills and I NEVER EVER thought I would say that.
Peace
Joe: Wow, after reading your post it made me wonder why that nurse may have said that about tapering to me. She was REALLY trying to push a detox drug called Suboxonne (sp) on me and thanks to the Admin on this site I refused. It may also be as simple as someone else she was tapering with had just had a set back. Who knows?
I agree whole heartedly. Whatever works is great!
P.S. I just love not taking pills too. Hang in there everybody. You are all awesome people!
Good Morning,
I hope I wasn’t sounding self-righteous on that last post. I am not a Dr or Therapist and have no medical training what so ever. I really just hate to see someone plant a seed of doubt about getting clean in someone’s mind.
I mean that’s all it every took for me to get right pack on the pills. That seed of doubt.
I would hear some factoid like “99% of all users go back” or “your dual-diagnosed” or something. And my addictive voice would run with it.
I realize mental toughness plays such a key role in life. I just hate it when people even when well intended try to weaken your resolve.
All I know for sure is that I love life today, I love the uncertainty, (I know that God is Real which helps) and I love it when anyone makes an attempt to stop using if they feel like pills are killing them.
I have been feeling really optimistic these last few days. Optimism left my consciousness years ago it so refreshing to feel it again. God I missed that feeling so much. That today will be better than yesterday. It is so awesome to fell that way again.
Have a great week folks
Joe,
I don’t think you’re being self-righteous at all…you’re speaking the truth. And the truth is that we’re at the mercy of what large pharmaceutical companies believe will make them the most money, hence the promotion of Suboxone over tapering. The drug and alcohol recovery industry is BIG business, and in a country where profit is the number one motivating factor, we’re forced to accept the options that we’re given. My goal with this blog is to educate us ordinary folks, so we know how to make the most of those options.
Everyone has an agenda in this industry; I’ve learned to question what that agenda is.
Go to any AA or NA meeting, and generally you’ll hear from the members that tapering is not possible. Why? We have doctor’s and nurse’s that tell us that tapering is not possible. Isn’t that strange? Why isn’t it possible? The truth is that it is possible for some people. But, “take this little pill that big pharma told me to sell to you, and you’ll be able to taper it just fine (under medical supervision of course).”
Does all of this mean that we can’t at least try to taper on our own? What if tapering works for one person, and not the other? Agenda’s lead to generalization. Everyone has an agenda. The nurse at SweetFreedom’s hospital does, AA and NA do, the pharmaceutical companies do…everyone does. This site even has an agenda…to test generalizations.
Good Morning Folks,
Saturday morning and I am so grateful to be alive man. I just wanted to let the person who stumbles upon this site that if they want to stop killing themselves with pills, Hey I’m here.
I firmly believed quitting opiates was an impossibility for me.
Well, I am thrilled to say I was WRONG. You really can stop taking pills. And more importantly you can ENJOY life without them.
I have been to Hell did not die there and I’m back. You to can return from that place, that place of agony, fear, loneliness, despair, hopelessness and helplessness.
I mean I’m not special, I’m not bright or gifted or rich or poor.
I’m a guy who could not stop taking large amounts of pills every single day of his life and in the process hurt myself and everyone I loved,who one day just decided NO MATTER WHAT happens to me today I will not take dope.
Then I did not take dope a second at a time, a minute at a time, a day at a time.
Now I REALLY do feel better.
Have a great weekend.
Peace
Hey Folks,
Quiet around this place this week. I hope everyone is doing well.
I am rolling down this road of pill free living and I am still in disbelief that I don’t have to use pills to deal with life.
No matter how down I get, or how slow the process of rebuilding my life seems to go I just flashback to how freaking sick I was and I instantly get a jolt of gratitude.
It’s like I say “you could be dope sick and broke right now”. And bam I am feeling better.
I guess that is the thing I am most grateful for today. Having survived opiate dependency I am given a real tool for survival.
It has given me a true sense of how resilient I am, How much of a will of survival I have. How incredible God is. How much love there really is in the world. That complete strangers on this board took the time to encourage me. WOW!!!
So has i am given the gift of 60 days of being clean today. I can give but one gift in return. These words. If you don’t want to die from taking pills, you don’t have to. I will be here to cheer you on.
Peace
Good Morning,
I wanted to stop by and say Hello. I know when life starts feeling a little blah, I need to reach out and do some positive stuff.
I noticed that when I first stopped taking pills and got through the horrible withdrawl, I was then hit by a few weeks of severe depression. (Low energy, fear, guilt and remorse, anxiety and irritability) PAWS.
Has time passes these bouts of depression roll in like a Texas(where I live) thunderstorm. I have been using exercise, prayer and sharing my feelings to combat it.
So today I feel a little burnt out, a bit down and a touch of the good old self pity.
I know these feelings are real, however, more importantly I know that they will pass and that they are not indicative of the progress I am making.
Just need to remind myself ‘I want the GOOD Life” and the road I am on leads straight there.
Thanks
Hey guys and gals, I just wanted to say that I just got over my withdrawals from Vics. Dorvacet really, really helped me out. I used it in replace of the vicodin but used a much smaller dose and tapered down. Didn’t give a euphoric high but it took away the symptoms I was having.
Hey Steve,
Awesome and glad to hear from another withdrawl survivor. Welcome, and enjoy the ride.
Peace
Hey Now Folks,
Just starting my day with a stroll around cyberspace and I thought I’d update you’all.
Having fun with life. Really. I mean most of the time I’m working. Kinda like the clean up crews to in Galveston post IKE alot of wreckage to clean up.
But like Nietzsche says. “If there is a WHY, one can bear any HOW one must.”
My Why is.. Because I never want to be dope sick again, not for one second.
And The Good News I’m told is that I never have to be.
As far as physically–feel great I am obsessed somewhat with getting fit, but I’ll take a healthy obsession.
I have started to get some muscular form back and I find myself checking my arms and chest out, and then busting another 20 push-ups out.. Kinda of Vain huh.
It is however a far cry from being unable to get out of Bed.
Mentally–I feel really scatter brained and my immediate short term memory is gone. I will be like, did I lock the door, did I punch out at work, did I feed the dogs. I mean like 1 minute after I do these things I can not recall if I did.
I haven’t had any major rages, or deep funks lately. But I get this feeling they are right over the horizon, like I’m waiting for the show to drop.
Spiritually – I am trying. I pray all the time, deep morning prayer and prayer throughout the day. I am dependent on it. I make no bones about it. prayer is keeping me alive.
Just a thanks as always for the chance to share.
Have a great week.
Peace
Good Morning Everyone.
I never start off a week without coming by this place and wishing everyone the best.
My thought for today.. Enjoy the pill free life. And all it’s wonder.
Hey if your thinking about stopping pills, or have stopped. Congrats. It’s a amazing thing. This drug free living is.
Thank you God for sparing my life from death by drugs.
Have a great week.
Steve,
Congrats on getting past the withdrawals. That’s always a huge step.
Joe,
Thanks for checking back here on a regular basis. I know it’s been pretty quite. I’ve been in the process of helping my folks save their home. They’re in the process of foreclosure, so I’ve been working to get them into a better loan…tough work.
You’re a real inspiration to myself and those that read this blog, so please do continue.
Hey Adam,
Best Wishes with the house. And Thank you for keeping this place active. You are in my prayers.
Joe
Joe,
you are my hero!
Char
Good Morning everyone.
I am up early today. I thought I’d check in here. My favorite place on the web.
I slept last night without taking a drink or drug. I slept well.
I did not use yesterday, at all. Nothing. Not a pill, joint. beer, drink, bag of dope, benzo nothing.
I was not sick
I did not steal anything so I could get pills.
I did not miss out on something because I was loaded.
I worked out.
I noticed how blue the sky is.
I noticed how beautiful my daughters are.
I worked around the house.
I cut the grass. I noticed the smell. I love it.
I walked my dog
I ate
I prayed
I enjoyed my day.
I felt love
While these things may seem minor. They are upon reflection, my dreams come true.
See not long ago I needed pills to get up, to stay up and to finally go to sleep. I honestly believed I was in active addiction until death.
Then the pain got so great, the issues so dreadful. I faced one simple choice. Life or Death. Use or Stop.
I choose Life and today as I mark 90 days without a pill. With a tear in my eye. I say thanks ADAM, and everyone who posted here. You saved my life.
I know 2 little girls here in East Texas, sleeping peacefully in their beds who are glad to have Daddy back.
So on behalf of them. Thanks.
Please if your here and you want to stop. Let us know.
love
Hey Folks,
Just wanted to stop by, read some posts and see what’s up.
I hope all is well with everyone.
Life is worth living. really it is.
Peace
Monday Morning,
What a great summer, I have experienced so much this summer. I stopped taking pills, went through withdrawl, found this place, learned about addiction and more importantly about living dope free.
I began to exercise, to pray, to laugh and to love. I struggled with selfishness, I felt really lonely, I felt stuck, I felt hopeless, I felt joy and I felt pain.
I heard great music, I saw great movies. I saw great sunrises and awesome sunsets. I met new folks, started a new job, made some amends, did not get arrested, did not go to jail, did not willingly or knowingly hurt another.
I wrote some stuff, I shared from my heart. I felt really scared, and I messed up some times. I got angry and I felt lost.
Yeah I’ve been all over the place and I never left Texas.
Life is amazing. There are only 2 things I have done every day without fail and those 2 things have made all the difference in the world.
1. I did not use a drug of any kind.
2. I prayed everyday.
I pray I can keep doing those 2 things everyday, can’t think of a reason why I can’t.
Oh and Charlene, thanks so much for the comment, I’ve been called many things in my life. But Hero, that is a first.
Here is to a fall full of first.
Please, if you want to stop dying and start living, let us know,
have a great week.
Sunday Morning here and I wanted to share where I am at. The load is getting kinda heavy.
I am really enjoying being clean, I can not state that enough.
Lately though I have felt “worthless” and out of touch.
For example, yesterday I went to a cookout at my nephews house, lot of people, food and booze.
I stayed about 30 minutes ate and split.
I really enjoy my in-laws cool folks, but yesterday i was like this sucks.
Another thing, since I quit using I left my old job (sales where we all ate pills).
I took a manual labor gig at a big food plant here in town.
I took it so I could have less stress and get back in shape. I knew the money was less. Of course if I make 500 less every 2 weeks and am clean I actually make a lot more. So I know this was both positive and temporary.
Oh and I hate sales, I was just good at it.
Also the repercussions from my using days are sinking in.
I am on probation(DWI, Possession, Hit and Run) which occurred in January. My first DWI charge, and my last.
This event while shocking was not the end of my using. That occurred in May, when high again i wrecked my car and was charged with driving on a suspended license. I hit a pole in front of my house, I see that pole everyday and think, you saved my life, I can’t figure out for the life of me how I hit it, It was like something drove me right into it.
If I make it up the drive way, who knows. However, I did not make it, I then walked up the driveway, ate the last of my pills passed out, woke up and have not taken a pill or drug of any kind since May 23rd.
Another fine to pay and 6 more months of probation. Oh well gotta deal with it.
Up unit now I was like I did the crime, I got to do the time. A mentality I’ve learned.
And while I can do it, work the manual labor gig, abide by the rules of probation, pay my fines, not drive and do my community service it makes me feel like such a loser.
I know this is a spot where my addict brain can get me.
Like my friends who have done some serious pen time tell me. Hey the system gave you a positive, why you making it negative?
I have paid off 2 of the 4 fines at 100.00 bucks a week. but it feels like I will never get out from under.
I just wanted to reveal that part of me. I had not talked about it at all and I thought I’d take a risk this morning.
I pray folks here understand how beaten down this recovery can make you feel some times.
For today, I will not get high no matter what, I will pray and I will do something for somebody besides me.
That’s how I deal with life now, Oh yeah and exercise.
Anyway I hate to carry the mess, if you will. just I am on a path toward freedom and i sure as hell do not want to get off.
And I did not stop using pills to be miserable so i took a risk and dumped this stuff here. I really want to enjoy these next 2 days no work, paid holiday Monday and i did not want to carry this baggage around with me.
So thanks.
Joe,
Thanks for sharing that with us. I know it’s probably hard to reveal that kind of info, but it also feels good to do so on occasion.
Have you been exercising? Maybe you can try doing some pretty hardcore workouts. It could be a low-level on endorphins that’s making things hard on you. Maybe go to a shooting range, or even some skydiving, now that’ll jack you up.
Also about the cookout, I used to feel out of place at social gatherings. I sometimes hated them, and just wanted to get out of there. But, I noticed that when I forced myself to interact, and make the most of it, that it would actually help me forget about the drugs. We need to force ourselves out of that funk. It’s hard as hell, but when we make it to the other side, it’s amazing.
It’s funny, during those hard times it’s almost like we go insane for a bit, then when we get back to that “happy” state, we thank God that we didn’t give in and just use.
I’d suggest that you get yourself around some really cool people, force yourself to have fun with ‘em, and if you can, try and push yourself to the limit with the exercise. I guarantee you that if you seriously put in some extra effort, that it’ll pay off in some much needed endorphins. Try and think of those internal endorphins as the same as the pills. But now you have to work for ‘em. I swear to you, they do the same thing.
Just to show how well our own endorphins work. I long while back, I had relapsed and started popping pills again. It was horrible, but I was determined to quit. I hadn’t worked out in a long time, so I figured I would start pushing myself physically to release some of those bad boys, so I wouldn’t feel like I needed the dope. After a few weeks, I felt so damn good that I didn’t even want the pills. I’m telling you man, those endorphins feel the same way, even better, cuz you don’t come down from them.
Look up ways that you can get them flowing. Acupuncture, exercise, having a great time with other people, go out in nature, pray, meditate, etc… For some reason we need that stuff, but as soon as we get lazy, we go back to the quick fix.
Hey Adam,
Thanks for the reply. Hope all is well with you.
I have been exercising 4 days a week on strength and 3 days a week on cardio, I haven’t increased my workout, I will start that today.
Yeah, I guess that’s kinda what’s going on with me right now. I hit these patches, they are kinda hard to describe.
I have a nephew who has diabetes and he has these spells when his sugar is low . He says “I’m feeling low man” and he will check his sugar levels and then do what’s needed to get back on track.
I don’t have diabetes, but I hear you on the endorphins, I wish they had an endorphin meter, where I could check my endorphin levels and the do what I needed to.
It feels kind alike self-pity, but I know I’m grateful.
Plan for this week, Focus on the body-bigger, longer, harder workouts. and Try something new-not sure what yet. Maybe I’ll goggle fun risk taking activities
With Love,
Joe.
Good Morning Folks,
Just a quick message of Hope for the person who is dope sick today. It gets BETTER. I never believed that either. My situation was to dire, I was to far gone, the hole was to deep, the pain to great.
I have no idea How but if you JUST don’t use, it gets BETTER.
The MESSAGE IS HOPE.
I Love being clean. With all it’s ups and downs. Thank you God for another day.
Hi Joe,
I am still popping in to check on you. Love reading your posts. You are so strong and you are still helping me a lot.
I can’t believe how strong the urge to get another prescription of vics is after 3 and 1/2 months. Some days are better than others. Some days I still get the aches. My legs hurt still too. I am pretty much pain free if I don’t do anything really fun. I found my activity limits and I don’t like them. Sometimes I just wish for a few days without worrying about pain. I think it is my brain trying to trick me.
I still can’t exercise a lot because my Achilles’ won’t let me. Right now I am restricted to non-weight bearing cardio which for me means an exercise bike. I won’t swim because I can’t stay warm enough and I haven’t met a pool that was warm enough yet.
Every time I want to call the doc to get a prescription, I tell my husband. Just having someone else know seems to help. He is a crime scene investigator and he always tells me about the pain killer overdose deaths he has to investigate. THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM!! Most of the time the families rush in as he is working and it is horrible.
Stay strong! From what I am reading, a year from now should be easier.
Sweet Freedom
Wow,
So great to hear from you Sweet Freedom, you made my day, really. I’m so glad you stopped by.
I pray your physical recovery improves everyday, I’m sure it will.
Most days the thought of using is very unattractive to me, I can recall the horror and well it just doesn’t seem worth it.
But I hit these patches of emptiness, I don’t know how else to describe it. Usually they will hit when I’m not doing anything, maybe sitting watching TV. It’s so deep and painful at those moments I look for anything outside myself to fill it.
These are the moments that scare me. they leave me vulnerable.
I will not use, but what do I do? That’s the question. I pray. Or exercise or clean the house, cut the grass or come here.
It gets me angry sometimes that I just can’t relax and enjoy life.
I pray today that any emptiness or loneliness or imagined fear that I have be replaced with Hope and Love.
I’m not looking for perfection in life, just contentment. With the occasional racing heart passion filled moment. Small joys and endless wonders. Learning and teaching, All my emotions not just pleasure. Please bear with me as I stumble on this path to wholeness.
I guess I’m learning how to live, and any help I can get I’ll take.
Thanks for being here Sweet Freedom, and for being clean.
May God Bless you today and always.
Morning Everyone,
I am alive, clean and walking down the path of a brand new life. Stopping pills was the single greatest change I have ever made.
The process is challenging and there are moments where I am lost, overwhelmed, angry, guilty, sore, tired, lonely. However, there are times I feel so ALIVE, so in touch, so at peace, so grateful,, so hopeful it is beyond description
I guess to sum it up at this point.
I used to have two moods
High (where I did feel)
Not High (where all I could think about was getting high)
Now I have every feeling imaginable, I have choices, sometimes I make the right choice, sometimes the wrong choice, sometimes I just tune it all out.
God I love choices, when I was on the pills I had no choice, I thank god for freeing me.
If you wanna stop remember this, You can. Just relax and take it minute by minute. Life is worth living.
Have fun folks..
Morning Folks,
A new month is here. I’m clean still, which is just so amazing. I mean to think I have not had dope of any kind or booze since May 23rd is a Miracle. I guess that is the best part of quitting dope. You get to participate in a miracle. Not hear about one, read about one, you become one.
I know that as long as I realize that dope is not the answer, I have a shot at some type of life, a life that is actually worth living.
Slowly that feeling of dread is leaving me. The moments of peace and joy are getting longer. While the moments of despair are lessening.
It really is a process, restoring one’s life after a long run on dope and the challenges are many.
The joy is in meeting those challenges and NOT USING. Finding some alternative to using is my daily task. The possibilities are endless.
One truth I am discovering at this stage is the less I think about me and the more I think about others, the better I feel.
I guess it really is better to give than receive. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ today, I talk to him daily and I actually see Christ at work in my life. He has met me at every point of need I have encountered.
While I always thank you folks, I thought today I would publicly Thank Christ for saving me.
I used to be afraid to proclaim that fact, It always sounded hypocritical coming out of my mouth. Well, I am no longer embarrassed or ashamed to admit I am completely dependent of God to make it through the day.
While I guess I always believed in Jesus I felt strongly that I was to bad a guy for him, and he would work just fine for you but as for me, nope I didn’t deserve him, I was guilty and that was that.
Turns out He loves a guilty man, a sick man, a hopeless man.
If your scared, unable to break free from the hell your in, take a small step. Ask for him by name, he is waiting to come on in. Right now he is knocking on the door, you wanna get it…
Love,
Joe
Hey Joe,
Great post. Check Philippians 4:13. I have it in a frame on my kitchen wall and it has helped me a lot.
I also found this poem not long ago. I do not know who the author is but I read it when things get tough.
How shall I a habit break,
As you did that habit make.
As you gathered, you must lose;
As you yielded, now refuse.
Thread by thread, the strands we twist,
Till they bind us neck and wrist.
Thread by thread, the patient hand,
Must untwine ere free we stand.
I am not (or should I say “was not”) a patient person. Jesus has taught me patience in so many ways. In fact that has been a main theme of instruction in my life lately. When I lose my strength to be patient he is ALWAYS there to back me up.
It is hard to be bold for Christ on these forums. Attacks usually follow.
My life would be nothing without Him. I am excited to read that you have that same Love.
Your sister in Christ,
Sweet Freedom
SweetFreedom,
Good to hear from you. Don’t ever be afraid to post what you feel, or what you believe in. I control the delete button, and trust me…I delete flamers.
Super Post Sweet Freedom. I’m so glad your still with us.
And Adam has mentioned spiritual beliefs on the board to me before, which made me comfortable to post. It is easy to stir the pot so to speak, when speaking of ones spiritual experiences. Never my purpose and I tread carefully and pray before I speak.
I just post from the heart good or bad. It keeps me clean
Moving beyond addiction is a lonely road at times, I need others like you and everyone here to lean on. Weather we share the same experiences or not, I read the posts, realizing I can learn from each and everyone of them.
Sweet Freedom, your posts always open some part of me, they provide courage when I need it, inspiration when I need it. And always a smile, that laughter one gets when they hear the truth.
Yeah, I no longer debate the existence pf Christ. Not my spiritual role. I just proclaim softly the Good News, I’ll leave it to the readers or listeners to do with it what they will.
I just know my truth, and what works for me. I hope my spiritual journey takes me places I can not even imagine.
This new journey was the destination after all. And I paid one hell of a price finding my way here.
With using I know exactly what to expect. Jail, Institutions, Degradation and Death in some order.
Being Clean, No Idea what the future holds, With one pivotal exception It Includes Living, Being Alive.
Here is To Life where ever it leads us.
Love,
Joe
Hey Everybody! It’s me Steve again. Hope your all doing well. I just want to share a product with you all that has helped me tremendously with the post-acute withdrawal phase (PAWS) of my detox. It’s called Neuro1 from Nutrition53. It’s an all natural formula that consists of ingredients to help restore and balance the neurotransmitters in your brain that become depleted and out of wack due to the exogenous opiods we put into our bodys. I knew the depression I am feeling was part of the PAWS I read about. I tried this product and wow, I actually felt an energetic, focused natural euphoria (if there is such a thing) that I haven’t felt in the two years I was doing vicodin and lortabs.
It is really helping me and I think it would help those of you who are in the PAWS phase like me.
PS- I also have been taking melatonin and ZMA as a cocktail night cap before I go to sleep and that has definitely helped me out with my (lack of) sleep.
Cya!
Steve.
Hey Steve,
Thanks for the tip.
I have taken nothing since i stopped pills. Not Tylenol, Advil, herbs, remedies etc..
I have this fear that, not feeling great, taking a pill, feeling better. Will somehow unleash my addictive brain.
I know I need to get over it, I can only eat so many Bananas
Plus I am depleted I’m sure of some vital vitamins etc. I haven’t gone to the Dr for my annual check-up either. Fear of the Dr’s office, where I spent alot of time drug seeking.
Gotta work on that.
Peace.
Joe,
I know what you mean about being in the doctor’s office. I had to go there the other day to get some medicine for my son’s lungs. We saw the ususal GP and I found myself getting angry sitting there looking at him. He fought us on giving my son some prednisone but I know if we had asked for some kind of narcotic he would of scribbled out that prescription faster than we could ask for it. I over heard him prescribing to someone else the same drug cocktail he use to give to me. It was quite the eye opening experience. I wanted to say something to the other person but I bit my tongue. Should I have said something? Meanwhile, my mom went to this same doctor yesterday because she has some kind of flu. Guess what he gave her? A cough medicine with codiene in it. Seriously?!?!!
One thing I have done to try and help my body heal naturally is green smoothies. I know they sound gross and you have to have a really strong blender but they have helped me a lot. You can google green smoothies and get all kinds of information on them. For me, some of the sites go overboard in how they think you should eat but I have found the green smoothies very helpful in clearing out my body.
Thinking about and praying for you all.
Sweet Freedom
Good Morning Folks,
Nice to hear from you Sweet Freedom. Yeah, the flu has been running through my house the last few weeks. It is all over the schools, work etc.
I guess one benefit of surviving Opiate WD is that catching a cold or flu seems like a cake walk, I went to work for three days a couple of weeks ago with a touch of it.
I can relate to the anger felt towards Dr.s treating folks with Narcotics, I guess it’s part of my grieving process.
Kinda like seeing people who are very happy in their relationship out in a restaurant right after you’ve been dumped and your heartbroken. I would think, ” they can’t be that happy”, or “it won’t last”
I figure everyone who drinks Cough Syrup is “Lucky”, of course the truth is 98% of the people that get the stuff take the recommended prescribed dose, hate it and move on.
I am somewhat jaded by life but I am trying to look at things positively. It is getting so much better, this is where I can actually begin to see growth. It’s just so AWESOME to lose some of that negative outlook and to have HOPE again.
Yesterday for example 2 Jehovah Witnesses knocked on my door. I said Hello. And the guy says, “Sir, Can we talk to you for a minute, you know in these hard times it is important”……..
I replied, “That’s not my take on it.” He wasn’t sure how to respond. See today I don’t think where in bad times, or evil times, . Just the opposite is true for me.
I think these are the Best of times, that the News is good, That man is headed in the right direction. That Joy abounds. That the Holy spirit moves and changes.
I mean hard times and sitting in my house watching college football on a 51 inch HD TV, while my kids with there stomachs full of healthy food play and create and enjoy and thrive just doesn’t equal “hard times” for me.
I mean, I really have a hard time today looking at things negatively, with one exception, one big exception. I still have moments of self loathing, self hatred, regret, remorse all negative thoughts. I try not to linger n them, they lead me nowhere. Today if I feel them come on I quickly do something to get out of that space.
Anyway, before I ramble anymore, Have a great day. Sweet Freedom you are in my thoughts and prayers. I’ll be thinking of you as I try my first “Green Smoothie” I’d prefer a Milkshake from Dairy Queen, but hey I’ll try it.
Joe
Joe,
That is how I started with the smoothies as well. I would have much rather had a Dairy Queen or Baskin Robbins. Make sure you try it it regularly for about 3 weeks. You will be shocked at what happens. (I was) I eventually started craving the green smoothies and the Dairy Queen type stuff started tasting bad. The healthier eating started snowballing and I found other ways to get good nutrition in my body. Occasionally when I go on vacation and go off of the healthy stuff I literally feel sick! For me the green smoothies are my multivitamin only I know they work better than a vitamin because they are God’s perfect nutrient balance. My head feels clear and my thinking is strong after I have had one. If you decide you like them, I do suggest getting a Vita-Mix blender.They are so strong I think they could liquify a block of wood. I use my Vita-Mix more than I use my microwave or oven.
Let me know what you think! If you are like my hubby, you will be skeptical for the first week or so. Then you will get hooked too.
Sweet Freedom
Hey Everyone,
Checking In this Saturday morning, wishing everyone the best.
Just a reminder that now matter how dark the situation seems, no matter how long you having been using pills, no matter how impossible quitting seems. It can be done, You do not have to die from some drug related scenario.
That is some remarkable news
I never would have believed it, if I had not gone through the process myself.
The process so far for me has gone something like this.
1. begin taking pills (vicodin) hey I like the way these make me feel.
2. take more pills
3. take different pills
4. start having some personal problems. (finical, emotional)
5. take even more pills
6. begin to be sick without pills
7. have difficulty keeping enough pills
8. start lying, stealing, fronting to get pills
9. legal problems
10. begin to become desperate for pills, need pills to live.
11. get near death
12. stop taking pills
13. get very sick
14 start to feel better
15. learn about pill addiction, and myself
16 get depressed
17. start exercising
18. start working
19. start taking care of the wreckage
20 have moments of doubt, want to give up
21 start praying
22 every once in a while feel so freaking good that you keep chasing the natural high of being clean through all the junk life throws you
and that’s where I am this morning, having found out that if I do not use I will get moments like this, early in the morning as dawn breaks and it’s quiet and I feel so alive so much love so much hope I could burst. oh thank God for the life he has given me.
Peace be with you
Joe
I just wanted to say hi to everyone since it’s been a few days with no posts. We start a whole new week, it’s Monday! I’m going to try and make the most of it like I hope the rest of you do as well.
Until later,
Steve.
Good Morning Folks,
Nice to see you Steve.
I too will chime in for a moment. Raining alot here it Texas.
I’ll let folks know where I am at today. My new focus is learning how to live in the NOW. As in right now. I try to focus all my energy on the present moment, I am moving past the total obsession with my past. And my awful dread of the future.
This is something I really never even worked on. So for now I am in the moment for short periods of time. Like 1-5 minutes, then a thought about something that I need to do, or some past issue creeps in.
I am actively trying to chase those thoughts.
Any tips on staying in the moment? It’s how I wish to live the rest of my life.
Living Pill Free and coping with life. Hope evryone has a great day.
Joe
Joe, I agree with you in trying to live in the ‘now’ and not the past. These past few months sober I have been focusing more on things that I use to like to do such as exercising. I try and get some sort of exercise in each day, most days I try to do a high volume and intense workout. After 15-20 mins into the workout I feel incredible. I haven’t had a feeling like that in the last 2 years. I
I’ve also been listening to a lot more music (current music) and it seems to be much more enjoyable and it gets me very ‘amped’ up. I haven’t felt that in a long time either.
I’ve been focusing much more time on my better half. We are boyfriend/girlfriend but I am now thinking about asking her to marry me. I’ve haven’t thought about marriage since I began my love affair with lortabs. Just the idea of having a fiance and feel “grown up” (She’s 28, I’m 25) is a euphoric feeling. I know some people will disagree lol, but I feel like I have been absent from the world since late 2007 and now everything seems so bright and sunny with beautiful music playing all the time in the backround. I know it sounds a little corny but I don’t care, it’s a GREAT feeling!
I am also noticing little things that REALLY motivate me to continue to do better. Last night I looked in the mirror and noticed I packed on a little muscle and it seems I lost a little bodyfat from all the exercise I have been doing lately to make me feel better. I’ll take that! I noticed I actually have a significant amount of money in my bank account. Before while on the pills I lived paycheck to paycheck (even though I have a very well paying job) because 80% of each check went to my dealer. I was spending at least $2,000 a month on those things. What a waste. Not anymore.
I have to admit that having my health, energy, motivation and feelings back is great, but it doesn’t hurt to have more income to utilize on different things. Just knowing you’ll have A LOT more money to use is reason enough to get clean.
Joe, I’m like you in that I get really depressed sometimes but then I look back when i was taking vics everyday and I ask myself, was I really better off taking them? Was I ‘happier’? NO! I was lethargic and depressed until I took them and then when I did, it only made me feel better for 30 mins or so and it would wear off and leave me feeling more alone and depressed (not to mention broke). When I look back I actually get motivated which leads me to look towards the future and more importantly, live my life NOW.
The depression comes in waves but get smaller and smaller over time. It’s normal. But when it does come just think about all the things I said and then do it! If you do something you like whenever you feel depressed, pretty soon it will completely go away.
Hope my little experiances will help motivate you all, even if only for a short while. One day at a time.
Steve.
Hello to all! I wanted to share my story and hope that it can help someone out there. I began taking vicodin about 11 months ago. I had taken it before in the past after having children and liked how it made me feel. I went to the doc and asked for them for really bad cramps. I then began taking like 5 a day then it got to the point I would run out before I could refill them. I then began buying them elsewhere spending endless dollars that i really didnt have to spare. I have 3 children and I am a single mother. These pills would make me feel like a superwomen and get through the day. 10 days ago I was with my kids and reached in my purse to grab a pill and I realized then that this was taking over my life. It was more important than anything else and feeling that way was aweful. I put them down..I went through several days of pure hell. I had to go to the doctor on day 2 and get iv fluids I was so dehydrated. He prescribed me ativan and phenigan for nausea. I took Tylenol Pm and Tylenol 8hr which has helped alot. After about day 5 I still did not feel normal but good enough to get out and do normal activities. I am on day 10 as I said before and its still a struggle but not near as bad. It gets better everyday. I have suffered a little depression…crying alot for no reason…but I think in time it will get better as well. All I can say is if you have a problem with these pills or anyone u know, please get them help or help yourself. Quitting cold turkey was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, but I kept praying and telling myself there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I do not ever care to pop another Vicodin as long as I live. I have had no temptation…I just keep my mind set that my kids deserve a better mom, I hope my lil story can help you. Its a monster that can take over everything u have and its not worth it! Good luck to all…if I can do it ..anyone can!!
Hey Steve,
Thanks. I really need inspiration and I find that I most often get it from someone who is DOING stuff once they put the pills down.
Exercise is so critical. I can’t imagine having made it through these last 5 months without being physically active all day. The hard part for me now is relaxing, just chilling.
Music-Love it, it really cures alot of my depression and is critical to my enjoyment in life.
As is reading and Writing.
Hey Kim,
Welcome aboard, I REALLY needed to read your post this morning. It is the gusto of a person with the desire to get off pills that I find so moving, so inspirational.
It sounds like you got a full plate, I hope you find the time to post here, It is so refreshing to meet a new person, a kindred spirit if you will, who is living without the dope.
The hell of detox is no joke, so glad you made it.
Have a good one,
Joe
Hi everyone,
I quit taking Vicodin a week ago and am in the process of going through the body aches, chills, lack of energy and depression. What seems to be the hardest part for me is talking to others about it. My boyfriend also takes vicodin on occasion when he needs it. So he gets a script like once every other month for 20 or so and uses them all within 3-4 days. I was taking 2 to 4 a day for over a year, and I literally could see my future usage increasing. It got to be a math thing for me, I would figure out what I thought was “safe” and then adjust the dosage to fit that. For instance, if I was at work I could take only 2, but on weekends I could take more cuz no one would be apt to notice how blitzed I looked. Well once I realized that the pills were doing nothing for me except make my skin itchy and give me rebound headaches I decided to come clean.. I told my Dr I had a problem with them,, I told my coworkers that I was gong to stop taking all pain meds, and I told a few close friends and my daughter. Well most of the people seemed to think that since I coud function while on the drug that I didnt really have an addiction problem. So the support isnt there.
It was then I realized that I had to fight this battle alone. Just because your a functioning addict doesnt mean you arent an addict. I know myself and I was living for those dang pills!
Sorry I sound angry but why is it in our society that people think you have to be a derelict in the gutter before help or understanding is offered? Are there that many other people who are functioning with problems like mine but are in denial so they wont acknowledge someone elses admission to addiction?
Has anyone else felt this way?
I am not going back to the vicodin, I have no interest and I want to improve myself. I started walking a little now that the body aches are at least tolerable..I also started taking the L-tyrosine that was mentioned on this site along with other vitamins and minerals and clonodine once a day. Sleepign is tough, but I take allergy meds that make me sleepy so that helps a little. I also started drinking smoothies in the morning to give me more energy and make me feel healthier.
Thank you for this website, and for those going through this awful process,,, Good for you! We can do it !
Hi Penny. Congrats on getting your life back and re-joining the real (and beautiful) world! Your already a week into your withdrawal, so I believe you’ve pretty much accomplished the hard part (at least for me the first 5 days were the worst).
I also started at a low dose and only used them on the weekends or on a night I didn’t have to work the next day. I would only take 2-3 at a time too. Well after 2 years I was taking them everyday, 4-5 times a day 12-13 at a time. I didn’t think about anything except for getting more and more. I was scared to death to run out. And at $3 a pill, my 60 a day pill habbit was depleting my credit cards fast.
When I stopped it was absolute hell. I took Clonidine too and it was a lifesaver, but it didn’t take away all the pain. It also made me VERY sedated at work, not a good thing. I hate to say it but smoking marijuana was a huge help, not just for the physical effects but also because it lifted my depression significantly. When I smoked during withdrawal I actually caught myself laughing once in a while.
Great job on the L-Tyrosine! I started taking that a little while ago along with 5-HTP and a few other supps. I highly recommend you pick up some 5-HTP as well to be taken with your l-tyrosine. I’ve heard that taking the tyrosine without balanced intake of a serotonin precursor would deplete your serotonin and give you insomina.
Well best of luck Penny and to all on this board.
Steve.
Good Morning Gang,
Welcome aboard Penny, The path out of addiction is only a lonely one if we choose it to be. So I have discovered.
My addicted mind loves to bark up the wrong tree, or have me believe no one knows the absolute desperation I’m in.
Thanks so much for sharing with us.
I was told withdrawl distorts rational thought. And that was true in my case. Big moments of Insanity. The key I found is Not using vicodin as the coping skill.
I tried a whole lot of things before I found MY solution.
I do know the train ride to addictive hell has stops along the way, where we can get off, seems your at one.
Here is to getting off the train, and hanging around awhile.
Please keep on posting, I know the thoughts and fears and desires of addiction that run through my mind are validated when I meet a brother or sister walking the same path.
We are not alone, really.
Peace
Thank you so much for the support, Steve and Joe. I am so glad I found this site. I wish I could reach through the web and hug you both, and everyone else who is going through this hell.
You are right,, the Vicodin did distort the way I felt. Now without it (day 10!) I am seeing things in a new, unfiltered way. I am trying to get beyond the anger part of this,, ,I didn’t expect that part. I get mad that people don’t understand what hell this is,, and I get mad that others are able to use vicodin and other painkillers with no addiction problem and I can’t do that! I’m sure non drinking alcoholics have these same feelings when they are sipping soda while their friends are drinking beers .
I started taking vicodin for my headaches/migraines. Now that I have stopped I have had a migraine every morning for 5 days. I have Maxalt for that but cant take it every day,and my doctor doesnt want me to use anything else a this point, even OTC stuff aside from the valium, clonidine and low dose of zoloft that I am on. I read that L-Tyrosine might cause headaches in some so I didnt take it this morning. Any other advice for the headaches? I also take magnesium,vitamin B and D. \
I am so scared that now I will have headache everyday, and find no relief.
Wow Penny,
So glad you made another day. No small feat.
I don’t suffer from migraines. But physical pain and learning to live with it is a serious issue. I’m glad you have a Dr. to help you with them.
I can relate to the anger and personally in my life I have experienced this path with anger.
Express it and stay clean. Deny it and use.
I mean I can only be angry for so long while I go around telling folks “I’m not angry” . And than screaming at the dog.
i heard once that most anger can be rooted back to this thought.
Our mind tells us we are worth this much. But society
( family, friends) has placed our worth at this much.
In my case they had placed a far lesser value on me than I THOUGHT i deserved.
Of course I was a self obsessed raging lunatic with an over inflated sense of self worth.
Once I began to feel better after I quit using and started looking for new coping skills. Things began to change.
The first thing I did was start some mild physical activity. You can read about it above. But I think around Day 5 I cut the grass. And Day 7 I started walking. Small steps that I could do, I didn’t set out to be Lance Armstrong in a week and fail.
I walked for 10 minutes, I did 1 push-up etc.
I have progressed from there and as I began to feel better I began to think better.
The second thing I did was pray. Not just for a minute but for hours and hours.
The more I prayed the more I realized who I really was.
The more realistic I began to view myself, the less angry I was.
Today I have one goal each day. Put others first.
Easier said than done.
i have found this little task does two things. Two things I could never do.
Stay Busy and Stay Clean.
I have found that if I wanted to stop using drugs as a coping skill. As my way of treating my pain, my anger, my boredom, my depression, my emptiness, my fear, my regret, my low energy, the daily grind if you will than I needed to find a replacement for them.
I discovered a great deal of the negativity was a side effect of all the dope I was taking.
The rest of it I talk about, I write about and I pray about.
Thanks and I hope you choose not to get loaded today. I need all the company I can get on this living clean journey,
best wishes,
Joe
Hello everyone,
I just wanted to update you on my journey. I have not used Vicodin or any other prescription or OTC painkiller in 16 days now! I feel wonderful! I cant believe how much of a fog I was living in,,, the world seems clearer and I actually have ambition to better myself now!
While on the vicodin I gained 30 pounds, I was lazy and used the excuse, ” I cant work out when Im on vicodin, Ill wait untill I am not using” well I am motivated now! I started a daily workout, and am improving my eating habits. I used to work at Weight Watchers, I was my ideal weight but that all went out the window with drugs. I dont feel bad about that now.. I feel like I have a goal now,, Im not just wandering through life, Im living it, and I have dreams and aspirations that I can achieve! I have been using some herbal remedies for my headaches and they are starting to work somewhat. I still have a constant low grade headache but Im learning to live with the pain instead of masking it. It actually makes me feel stronger to know I can do this.
I wanted to share with you also an experience a friend told me about today. SHe was at the pharmacy with her son and a young teen boy was in front of her in line,, he had tears in his eyes and was sniffing like he was crying. He handed the pharmacy worker a note and said to her ” Im sorry,, my mom is making me do this” She nodded and handed him a bottle and he took off running. She must have instantly alerted the police because they intercepted the moms car as she was pulling out of the parking lot. Apparently the mom was screaming at the boy that he got the wrong thing, or not enough or something. There were other small children in the backseat of the car. Apparently this mom was an addict and had forced her son to go into the pharmacy with a “stick up” note to get Oxycodone! No money,, just the drug. The pharmacy keeps a placebo bottle on had just in case this happens. The Pharmacist said this happens quite a lot. That poor child, and family. That was a real eye opener to me, on how horribly addictive these pills can be and to what extremes people will go to get them.
Again, thank you so much for being here for me.. its wonderful to have a place to share and tell my story. Bless you all.
No thank you for sharing both sides of the situation.
The THRILL of stopping and getting your life back.
The AGONY of what you witnessed (active addiction).
Your ability to share is amazing.
Keep the posts coming.
best wishes
Hey Everyone,
Stopped by to say hello, and to offer some encouragement. Weather your thinking about stopping, Are in the mists of agonizing physical withdrawl, Are suffering the ups and downs of early life after drugs or you have been around awhile.
Remember LIFE IS GOOD. Take a minute today to SMILE and tell someone, and yourself ‘You Love Them”,
I Love everyone who posts here, take a risk today, share your thoughts of feelings, heal and help. Never give up on finding peace and joy.
Joe
I can’t believe how certain events or smells or activities, trigger a craving for vicodin that I didn’t even know was there. I still have not had any since early June. I am happy about that. I guess I thought I would be completely out of the woods by now. Once again, I underestimated this stuff.
I still have my previously posted poem, taped up to my mirror. It reminds me of the time this will take and really helps with some discouragement.
It is what it is! I will win because I will not give up. Never have never will. Once again…I have cravings that I didn’t even know were there. I have had serious pain problems for years. Now I do not have the pain problems. I am learning a lot. Sometimes I don’t know what is what. One thing I do know…for sure…. I will not give in to this stuff. It doesn’t matter if I am confused as to what triggered what. I am not confused about the vicodin. NO THANK YOU!
Desiring Vicodin or what Vicodin represents?
I’m no longer desiring 9 pills, I know that is so fake. But euphoria, fulfillment, energy, peace, calmness, ease of the day, (you know all the stuff I used for int the first place).
hell I take that in a second.
Now the loneliness, the degradation, the dependence, the agony, the sickness, the lies, the legal problems, finical hardship, no thanks.
Seems for me, I can not have one without the other.
So, Sweet freedom, as they say here in Texas,
“What’s really going on?”
Hang in the man, Don’t believe the lie.
Thanks so much for sharing, It is Awesome to see your post. made my day.
love
Joe,
I think I was wanting a little vicodin to take the edge off of some aches. I have trouble sleeping and on nights that I only get about 3-4 hours, I am miserable the next day. When I say that I don’t have pain problems I mean serious pain. The other night my sweet husband was taking me to a show downtown and I knew there would be a lot of walking in the cold. I have been to shows at this venue a lot because my son use to perform there. This usually brings out some pain in my achilles’ areas so I was wanting some then. I now believe this thinking and planning ahead mentality is wrong and I feel more and more empowered every time I get through a situation like that without anything in my system. My legs did hurt the other night but I was just fine as soon as I sat down and warmed them up.
I don’t get a high from the vics. Never have. Sometimes I just get tired of the aches and pains that my 41 years of being an athlete have gifted to me. I get tired of hurting, but again…I have to admit that it is not the kind of hurt that should warrant serious pain pills. Does this make sense?
In re reading my post, I think the word “craving” may be a little too strong. Or is that just me lieing to myself?
Thanks for your encouragement. Thanks for letting me vent. Don’t worry, I am more opposed to the stuff than I was even 5 months ago.
Sweet Freedom,
I hope it did not sound like I was poking around in your life, I am here for encouragement purposes only.
I guess I’m used to you posting and look forward to them. And the thought of someone I appreciate going back on vics kinda scared me.
So It was probably me trying to keep your around here for selfish reasons.
I apologize if it came off, well harsh.
At any rate, I pray your pain remains manageable, No sleep is a killer, as is pain.
I was meditating Tuesday morning, something I do every morning. I read a passage from the bible and reflect.
Anyway, It was the story of when Jesus cured 10 lepers.
Apparently of the 10 only 1 returned to thank him to which he replied.
“Were not 10 of you cured, Why has only 1 returned?”
It hit me hard.
I’m so glad you are continuing on, in spite of.
Here is to getting through, whatever it is we gotta get through.
best wishes
Joe,
You have my permission to poke around in my life if you feel like something is going on. But I did not take your post that way. Nor did I take you as harsh in anyway. Sometimes I like to be told how the cow ate the cabbage. I guess that is one of the reasons I post here. If you see me walking down a dangerous path, please speak up. I am not going back on vics. I am against them even more. Sorry if I made it sound that way.
I think I am just so surprised by the total effect this stuff has had on my life. How it happened I don’t know. Was I not paying attention? Denial??? I am seeing this all as I continue on the drug free path. One mistake I know I made was that I trusted that my doctor would say something. I trusted that he would intervene or at least educate me if it was needed. Nope. Never a word!! The vics were not that much apart of my life……yet. I am blessed that I figured out what was happening relatively early. I think that is why I am so surprised at their residual kickback. People don’t realise that even the tiniest amounts will ask you to pay it’s dues. A friend just told me that he has been taking percs at night for restless leg syndrome, prescribed by a doctor. What???? He has been on it for over a year. I begged him to look for any other way to treat his RLS but he “assured me” he had it under control. I was sad.
Enough about me. How are you doing? Find any new fun workouts lately?
The recent posts by Joe and Sweet really hit home for me. On one hand, I crave the pain relief that the vicodin provided, but part of me ( toward the end of my useage) realized that that was a short lived relief. The pain would come back,, I would crave more vicodin, take it,, the pain would come back,, etc. What we used to call in my cocaine days as “chasing the line”.
Vicodin addiction really is a double whammy. It starts as relief,, and leads ( at least for me) to “excuses” for relief. It got so I thought I might possibly get a headache so I would take them. Then I would feel great,, on top of the world,, relaxed and happy. Then the headache would come and I would do the math and realize I couldnt take anymore safely so I would take other prescription drugs to get rid of the headache that the vicodin actually made worse! I have to keep telling myself that everyday,,, that the vicodin really honestly made the headaches occur more often and more intense.
I have been without vicodin for 3 and a half weeks now,, and I do admit wanting some from time to time. My spouse uses them on occasion for headaches too and I about hit the ceilign when I found an empty bottle in his dresser. I feel like I cant even have them in the house. As a matter of fact as I type this I did the m ath again and realized I could probably email my Dr and ask for a prescrip,, she would believe that I wasnt addicted since I have not had any for almost a month. Talk about whacked out thinking!!!
But I will stay away. Vicodin is my sirens song it seems.
The other thing I wanted to bring up might sound rather funny and strange but I have noticed that since I stopped taking vics and other painkillers I really miss the act of popping pills! It was a habit for me to take this and that, and now that Im not its like an empty place in my life. Well I have sort of solved that one,, I take vitamins individually now! I take a D suppliment , a B suppliment, a multi mineral, and now the L Tyrosine. At least I can sort of fool myself that way.. LOL!
Thanks again for being here.. and for helping me through my journey. Blessings to all of you who continue to fight the good fight.
Hey Sweet Freedom,
Thanks for the understanding. And thanks for taking the time out to respond. It’s appreciated.
Well, seeing as I love to talk about me.
Let’s see.
Overall things are going really well, far better than I would expect.
On the plus side of the ledger
Above all else.
I AM CLEAN
1. I have a Relationship with Christ (In fact I have become quite dependent on it)
2. I am in fairly good physical condition. I am working more on flexibility now, a lot of stretching, pull-ups, squats.
My current job requires a ton of strength so I’ve toned down the push-up, weights.
I have a real hard time jogging, my ankles are shot from my high school basketball days, so I hike around the woods behind my house.
I’m thinking of Yoga, now this would be a stretch for me,(Pun intended) I have made fun of the Yoga freaks at the beach, you know when I am up in jersey in the summer they are out at dawn and dusk.
But I might try it.
3.Emotionally- well let’s say improving, of course I have stayed really safe here, I avoid arguments, risks, new relationships, and well all the old friends are shall we say, unhealthy for me. So I’m not sure if safe is the right play, but that’s where I’m at.
On the Negative side.
1. Still struggling with self worth-It seems no matter the effort of prayer, or doing the next right thing, or writing, or talking about relieves those moments or feelings of. “You loser, you really messed up your life…You deserve your plight, your less than others.—I just don’t know what to do about it, It seems the more I focus on me, the more those feelings resonate. So I try not to have it be about me.
2. Bouts of Emptiness, still get hit occasionally with a blah feeling, a can’t go on moment.
3. Finding my passion-my whole life I have witnessed the success of people who have found their passion and pursued it. (My brother loves the law, and became a lawyer, My sister love kids, she’s a special ed teacher).
Things I love-
1. Sports.
2. Seeing people overcome addiction
3. The Bible
4. Music
What I do for living- work for Pilgrims Pride, on the line making boneless chicken breasts.
Not really my passion, and having ignored the part of growing up where they teach you to identify a career based on your passions I haven’t a clue what to do with my life.
So I guess you could say “I am a work in Progress”.
Enjoy your weekend, and Thanks for being here.
Hi there,
I get inspiration just reading this… The candor that is shared on this site is a God send to me.
I have been clean for about a month now. There is such clarity in not using. I was using about 4 vics a day for a year and a half. I get reoccuring migraines and other headaches and was taking the vics for that reason.. Actually now taht I am clean, I have fewer headaches! Still get them but no more rebounding headaches.
What I am struggling with now is the feeling of loss. I miss feeling that buzz,, loooking forward to it,,,, planning for it. Knowing I could unwind with a few vics at night. I also am going through a rough time, have a mass growing on my thyroid so that has made me very anxious and wishing I had some vics to get my mind off it. Sounds bad ,,, and I k now I wont turn to them but it does make me realize what a grip they h ad on me.
What is worse is that my boyfriend uses vicodin for headaches,, but not daily. He used to have a problem with the vicodin,, went for a long time without taking it,, and now is taking it on occasion. That scares me and makes me feel angry that he can handle it ( i think) and I cant!
sounds like sour grapes Im sure but in a way I feel like a dieter watching someone eat cupcakes!
Again thank you for being here for me,,, and all of us … .we are in the same boat and need all the support we can get!
Hey Penny,
So great to read your Posts.
The mental part of the journey from pill popping to reality is such a ride.
There is actual physical stuff occurring to the body (PAWS) etc. and then there is the character rebuilding and physical rebuilding.
Hang in there, we need you. And as you will discover IT CAN BE DONE.
The only thing I can share is this.
1. Information-the more information I have the better I am able to make healthy choices. There is great information on PAWS on this site.
2. Action- I have discovered the more I actualy do stuff, anything like walk, clean the house, exercise, work, and the less I sit around and think about my life the better my day goes.
It is a constant battle for me to Keep Pressing On. But I must. Daily, Hourly, tell myself to move forward.
“You gotta stay hungry man”
Today my appetite is not dope, it’s being comfortable in my own skin.
When i have the privilege of meeting someone new on the journey, I want them to know just how important they are.
So Penny “You are important, far more important than you realize at this moment”.
Have a good one.
Joe,
There is a great resource called Career Direct that might help you. (Check online) It is a Christian organization and they have different programs that help you figure out what you can do with the gifts God gave you to dispense. They have a career test that not only tests for personality traits but also gives you an idea about your spiritual gifts and where that may fit in, out in the world. Everybody I know that has done this program has said it is a “must”. I would say that you have some strong exhortation giftings. I love watching a spiritual gift at work. My husband is like Barnabas. He has this crazy calming affect on people. I could not tell you how many times he has been told, “You are the nicest cop that has ever arrested me.” He also has mercy and humility. Now picture those traits in a police officer/crime scene investigator. Actually …I am a spaz… picture those traits as my husband. Ha ha ha! Anyway….if you can afford their program, I think it might be worth it.
I have never tried yoga but I have tried pilates and those classes were really tough. They were exhausting though and that was what I was looking for. You’ll have to let us know how the yoga treated you.
Joe…sometimes I have stuff from my past slam into my brain. Jesus does not want us living in the past. He is all about our future. Anyway, I use those moments to remind myself to pray. I thank God for my failures because they remind me how desperately I need Him. I then rebuke the deceiver who wants me to live in the past so that I can give him some sort of a hold on me. I believe that the devil wants to distract us from the cross any way he can.
Sorry if I wrote too much off topic and thanks so much for being here.
Hi Penny,
I understand so much of what you have written. You are definately not alone in your thinking. I think it is really cool that you put it into words for others to read. It helps me to think that I am not crazy. It is so nice to not feel alone.
I have so many caring people in my life. Sometimes I am afraid to share some of my vicodin thoughts with them because I am afraid they would pull away from me if they knew. Rationally, I am sure they wouldn’t. But I guess we all have an irrational destructive voice that puts crazy thoughts into our heads. Anyways, thanks for being on this forum.
Hey Sweet Freedom, and everyone else.
Thanks for the suggestions. I will check out the Career Direct stuff.
I remember once, along time ago I was seeking to find what my spiritual gift might be. To identify it.
Anyway, I went to this website and started this questionnaire that would ultimately discern your gift.
Well I start, 50 questions, 100 questions by that point I was like “forget it, if it takes all these questions to find out what my gift is, I must not need to know.”
It felt like back when I first got the internet and I would see a banner that said. ‘Free Sony TV or Apple Computer or whatever”. No purchase needed.
I would go and start these surveys and they would never end and so I never got my free TV,
I now realize that internet marketing and seeking your “calling” are not to be grouped in the same pile.
It is my priority to discover my ‘calling” or perhaps a better word is “uncover”.
My spiritual journey today is that of Zacchaeus, the short tax collector who fought the crowds and his size, climbs a tree to catch a glimpse.
Jesus looking up says ” Zacchaeus, come down quickly,
for today I must stay at your house.”
The crowds are not people in my case rather thoughts in my head.
I’m not short in statue. I’m 6′4, but I feel alot shorter than all the other folks in church, or society, they all seem so much more worthy of redemption than I.
So I am Zacchaeus, doing whatever I can to catch a glimpse.
Today I hope he calls me down from my Tree. To come stay at my House.
I long to hear the words.
“Today salvation has come to this house
because this man too is a descendant of Abraham.
For the Son of Man has come to seek
and to save what was lost.”
Oh wait I just did hear them…..(hmm)
Hope you have a great day folks.
Joe,
I heard a pastor teach on spiritual gifts one time. He was saying kind of the same things as you about some of the long tests. Anyway, he mentioned a different way to tell what your spiritual gifts may be. He contends that a person with a certain spiritual gift will find themselves particularly ruffled, when the opposite to that gift is displayed. For example I have some exhortation . I can not stand to listen to any teasing that runs someone down. It’s just not funny. I would rather honestly build people up. Which makes it even more amazing that the Lord brought me my own personal and team training business for the last 16 years. (This is how I trashed my legs.) My husband has a lot of mercy. He gets really frustrated when he sees other cops that he works with who throw the book at someone who is obviously needing help and not needing to get ticket after ticket. He feels his job is to keep people safe and living safely, not to come down on anybody he can catch doing something wrong.
Does this make sense. What gets under your skin?
I know that I am just a vending maching for the Lord to use. I take no responsibility for filling myself with anything good any more than a real vending machine can fill itself with those yummy little animal cookies. Yummm. My job is to stay ready to vend.
Anyway, I am getting through a nasty cold with a raw sore throat WITHOUT ANY VICODIN and I feel great!
Good Morning guys.
Hope all is well,
That is such an interesting take on finding your gift, SF. It really made me think. What bothers me, really bothers me.
Hmmm.
I’m not sure, I usually combat a negative feeling with a rationalization.
ex. Kids being mean to Kids– their just kids
I will say upon reflection 2 things seem to stick out.
1. Constant bickering- Drives me nuts when individuals go round and round over the same issue without resolution.
(which is ironic seeing how my life on drugs was one long drawn out ongoing problem with no resolution and constant inner conflict.)
Perhaps we do become our greatest f ear.
2. Dealing with the truth-I say what hurts me the most in life is Dealing with a truth that I don’t want to be true.
I’m having a real hard time putting this sentiment or belief or feeling into words.
Example my kids on drugs-(they aren’t to my knowledge but that truth would kill me)
This manifests itself in all my personal relationships. I guess I’ve never been completely honest before.
I sometimes do not want to know the truth. I am so afraid of it.
Great question, I need to pray about this one.
Thanks.
Hello friends,,, I wanted to update you on something important that has occured in my journey without vicodin. I was diagnosed on Tuesday with thyroid cancer. It is very treatable but still very scary to actually think I have cancer. Well in my anxiety I took 2 valium and guess what? It didnt do a thing for me! I had a stress headache before hand and that was my excuse, but the vicodin didnt make it go away nor did it change the way I felt emotionally. If anything it just made me sleepy in a crabby sort of irritated way! This to me is great news! The last experience I will have with vicodin was a ” whoopie.. big deal” one! Now I truly feel I can put that behind me.
Looking ahead thoughy IM sure with my surgery upcoming and other treatments I will need painkillers. I am going to work with my doctors on alternative to narcotics. I feel good, have no symptoms of the cancer, so nothing is needed now.
Anyways please pray for me, my friends,, I need your support and well wishes.
Love, Penny
Hi Penny,
I know physical problems of any kind are both scary and unpleasant, please remember we are here if you need help, support or just a great place to get all the peripheral stuff (fear,hurt,anger) out so you can focus on your health.
My Prayers are for you this morning.
Joe
Hey Folks,
Just checking in, kinda clear my head and reflect for a moment.
Tomorrow will mark 6 months of Drug and Booze free living for me, so what have I learned during this time.
1. If you want to stop the deadly cycle of active use, you can.
2. Physical Withdrawal ends, it doesn’t last for ever.
3. PAWS is very real.
4. Exercise curbs depression, regret, worry, sleeplessness and feelings of low self worth.
5. Prayer is vital for me.
6. Fear saturates my every thought, it’s the core of all my issues.
7. Having people to talk to helps.
8. While recovering your physical health is vital, your spiritual health is more so.
9. The road of healthy restoration is as lonely as you choose it to be.
10. Not using is vastly better than using.
Let’s strap on our seatbelts, Life keeps getting better and who knows where this journey is going to take me,
Thanks guys. I Love you all.
Joe
On side note,
I have been reflecting on what is my core issue, as reveled the other day,
Seems I’m not alone here,
In fact my study this morning the subject was the topic.
Seems it has a name:
Moral Relativism.
Moral Hatred for or fear of the truth, which can make us deaf to the whisperings of God’s voice in our hearts (as it did in Pilate’s case), is also called moral relativism.
But my issue is “What am I so deeply afraid of: What truth trouble’s me so.”
The first thought is.
“I am not one of Christ chosen”
But then I think, no the real truth, the one that you have avoided your whole life.
“You are one of Christ’s chosen, you turned your back on him. You failed, you will fail again. Your lying to yourself when you think you can live a holy life”
What do I do?
Joe: Give thanks. Give thanks because Jesus lived the holy life for us. Then hold on to Him as tight as you can. Do good things because you have God’s smile not because you have to earn God’s smile.
Jesus knows everything bad we have EVER thought or done and He knows everything bad we will EVER think or do in the future, and He still got on the cross for us. Give thanks and praise and love.
I am reading a book right now called True Faced. It’s about the masks we put on and use to live out our lives. These masks keep us from living out God’s will for us. It says these masks are partly determined by 2 unresolved things. 1.) Sins commited against us by others. 2.) Sins we commited. I am not very far into it but so far it has opened my eyes to some of the unnecessary cages I have put myself in. I am starting to see areas in my life that I don’t trust God. So far it has been really freeing. REALLY FREEING! Please check it out. I know you can order it off of the Navigators web site. They even have a few pages from the book that you can read.
Good Morning Folks,
6 MONTHS CLEAN!!!!!!!
Now that sounds like great advise Sweet Freedom,
Smile.
That keeps it simple for me, something I can do.
Thanks Guys, you made the past six months possible.
What a long strange trip it’s been.
Love
Where else would I start my Thanksgiving than right here.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone,
May God Bless you.
Love,
Joe
Good Morning folks,
Hope everyone is well.
I had a very peaceful thanksgiving. Ate alot, watched some football and chilled.
I went to the site Sweet Freedom,(navigators) read a portion of True Face, at least the snippets there.
I was hit hard by that line.
‘Forgiveness erase the debt but it doesn’t clear up our credit report.”
It angers me that I have so much wreckage to clean up. In there lies the issue, it Bothers me, It keeps me up at night, It soils my beautiful days, It is an underlining current in everything I do.
I realize that Alone it is to much, that alone it will eat me up. that alone It will make worthless.
It is in joining up with God that i can find the courage to take the next step.
I really need to try to stop pleasing God and start trusting him more.
As usual thanks.
Joe,
Please order the book. Your local bookseller may be able to get it for you too. (eg. Barnes and Noble) I believe the book goes on to say basically the blood of our Lord clears up the credit report. THIS IS THE PART OF REPENTANCE THAT I HAD BEEN MISSING FOR ALL OF THESE YEARS. It’s like me coming to Jesus and telling Him, “Hey I just got a really big ticket for ……………” And he says back to me, ” I know, thanks for coming to me, and by the way, I have already been to see the Judge and I paid your fine. You are free.”
I have recently realized that I am not who others say that I am. I am who Jesus says I am. I have been trying to approach repeated tough situations (eg. family holiday conflicts) from the perspective of being who Jesus says I am. I was completely shocked at how much better things went this past week. Wow!
Sometimes when I pray, I tell Him that I can’t handle “this sin/situation” and I ask him to do it for me. I trust.
The book also talks about how trying to manage our sin alone is basically underestimating sin’s power, overestimating our own ablilities, and underestimating the work done on the cross. When I think that through…duh! If it takes Jesus on the cross to beat sin, where on earth did I get the idea that I could beat it alone.
Good news is I don’t have to. The enemy wants you to try and do it alone because he knows he can’t defeat Jesus but he’s got a good chance at you.
Think about who the courts/legal system says Joe is. Think about who family or friends say Joe is. Think about who co-workers say Joe is. Then think about who Jesus says Joe is.
Who you gonna believe? Jesus knows more about you and me than everybody in our lives combined. I think I will believe and trust HIM!
Hi everyone
If you want to stop using opiates you have come to the right place, it’s a great place to begin and as I am discovering a great place to continue to grow.
Personally I spend my time getting healthier physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually
I have dedicated this month of Advent to a new beginning.
Sweet Freedom, your insights are BEYOND helpful, they are so meaningful to me. Thank You.
I
I know Jesus said things such as , “you are no longer a servant but a friend”.
that I am a “child of God.”
So this month I long to get closer to my friend, I pray three things this advent.
I accept Christ more.
I trust Christ more.
I share Christ more.
I guess I have waited my whole life to get this feeling of AHHH!!!! NOW I GET IT!!!! Beyond a doubt I am born again.
However, while not ruling that moment out, I keep getting moved along more subtly with a nudge here and an insight there.
I know the path to enlightenment began with stopping dope, I now am looking for the next step a deeper step, one that unlocks my potential, excites me, reignites my passion for life. Makes me more useful, and less somber.
I believe deep in my soul I am a fun guy, great to be around.
Why am I so afraid to rejoin life, I am so isolated, I work, come home, sleep, exercise, pray, eat–repeat.
This is my outlet, I need to take some baby steps at rejoining life. maybe after the holidays.
To a new Month and the closing of one hell of a year.
Joe
Hey Now,
OK I’m starting to get caught up in the Anxiety part of Christmas.
Getting the perfect gifts for the kids etc.
Time to take a step back and chill.
OK whew, i just needed to remind myself. the gift I really need to give this year is me.
So here I am, Joe in Loving Service.
Now back to life.
Peace
Good Morning Guys,
Just wanted to start my day on the right foot.
Praying for those who are attempting to overcome a pill addiction.
You have choices.
You do not have to use dope.
On a brighter note. I turn 44 today.
The fact I am alive, pretty healthy. clean and in my right mind(has right as this old brain gets) is in fact a MIRACLE.
Here is to great 44. Man, I’m getting up there.
Love,
Joe
Happy Birthday Joe! I hope year 45 is your best one yet!!
Good Morning Folks,
I am excited about Christmas, anyone else?
The primary reason I stopped using dope was because I could no longer tolerate my own actions.
I could no longer muster up the effort it took to use.
I was desperate.
I was dying.
Today I am HEALTHY.
I could go on for ever about the benefits of NOT using.
So just remember, if your looking for a way out of the insanity a path exists.
Have a great week.
Merry Christmas.
Man oh Man!!!! Clean and Healthy on Christmas Day.
I can not verbalize the Joy.
So maybe all go on with what Christmas has ment to me over the years.
Early Years.(pre-drug)
My earliest memories seem to be holiday related. I actually have very few memories pre-4th grade? Is that weird.
But I remember my house, the smell, the excitement and my reactions so high and so low all at once. Very emotional day.
I would take my toy and play and imagine even then my reality wasn’t enough. A nerf footbal would take me out of reality.
Teen Years-
Less focus on the family they are now in the way. All I want is money(to buy beer and pot) and music.
Partying with friends becomes more important than Christ or family.
Early 20’s–Totally stung out now, Lonely depressing times.
Late 20’s-I am clean living with my Wife (not married). Going to NA joyful, special times.
30’sto 43 –Dad now, 2 small kids spen all my energy trying to make sure their Christmas morning is unforgettable. They get the stuff, but I’m drunk and on pills so we are disconnected.
44- This year clean and spiritual, Like the priest asked us at mass last night, “Do you have room at the inn?” he used the innkeeper has the focus.
Saying our hearts are the innkeeper, Do we have room for anyone in there?
So for Christmas 2009-My Vacancy Light is on. My heart is open…
My kids are about to get up.
It’s almost dawn.
LIFE IS BEYOND WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy New Year Everyone.
What a great time to rededicate my efforts at becoming a healthier person.
I hope and pray everyone is blessed this year.
Enjoy
To Joe and All of You
I have spent the last 3 hours reading your posts, please keep them coming. I want to stop but am so afraid. It was my New Years resolustion and to make 2010 a year of new beginings.
Please don’t stop posting, the more I read the more hope I get. I don’t have a support network, no one knows, to ashamed to tell anyone.
I do remember like without viks but it seems so long ago.
Thank you All.
Joe you are my inspiration!!!
Hey Now,
TJ, I am so thrilled to see a new person hop on board.
Keep coming back
I understand how overwhelming and impossible this shit becomes.
Every second of pain, Every deep regret, Every once of shame, Every thought that getting clean was an impossibility. I have had.
THE MIRACLE, I have lived through it.
I come here to let you know, so can you. I’m here man, for every second, minute, day, week. However long it takes.
Hell, don’t pop a pill, post what your feeling and together we don’t have to use as a coping skill.
Peace
Hey Everyone,
Just pooping in to say Good Morning.
It is so COLD down here in Texas. The coldest morning in years. It hurts to go outside.
I Love it, growing up in the north. It’s like I get to go back to those cold winter nights of my youth.
On the plus side this will last like 4 days not 4 months
Lately I have been making peace with my past. The last 12 or so years.
I’ve talked about how painful it was, the shame, the guilt, the hurt.
It is keeping me off pills.
I try not to dwell on it. I share a little peice of the hurt and move on.
I keep striving for PEACE.
I seem to get just a bit more each day.
I hope everyone is well.
God Bless
Well Folks,
The end of another week. I am so glad I found this site. That I made a choice to not take a pill one day.
I was just reflecting on how sick I USED to be. And how I thought using dope would never end.
I pray to my heavenly Father, if your sick and you want to stop using pills that you find this site.
I will not gloss it over and say, it’s easy. In fact starting a new life is scary, awkward, painful, lonely and anxiety filled.
It is also peaceful, joyful, new, loving, caring and full of wonder.
It is just nice to be alive. Again.
Have a great week-end.
Good Morning Folks,
Just posting for the first time on the new format.
It looks sweet, easy to read. love it.
Made me think about change.
That is what I am undergoing. I am changing today. I am starting to have moments where I am OK with me.
They are brief and I still have a hard time just accepting me.
I sometimes want to be more, I sometimes want to be less.
I sometimes hate myself for what I’ve done, and what I’ve failed to do.
I used to feel so degraded that I was walking around desperate. I hated myself and would try to get validation wherever I could.
Seems taking dope hid or numbed a lot of the deep rooted insecurities.
Today, by grace coupled with a choice I made. I have not taken dope so I am exposed.
I still get confused about “Who I Am”. “What I Want”. “What do I do?”
In fact, I have decided for now I will Pray, Do the Next right thing, If I fail(I will ask for forgiveness) and I will not permit old ideas or thoughts to lead me backward.
I have no idea how the future will turn out, But if I just enjoy today, do not use drugs, pray, bring a smile to the world, help where I can, I must believe I will be led to a place of peace and love.
I hope those seeking a new way of life, free from pills will post and join me.
Have a great week-end
Joe
Hey you:
Anne here. I am using my friend’s computer to say thank you for your site. I am a recovering alcohol and drug user with a hard core history from 1984 up until 1992, when I started having children. Relapses have been periodic every few years since my kids came, with periods of abstinence in between. In 2003 I was held at gunpoint during a robbery of my employer at the time, and since that time I have had difficulty staying in sustained full recovery.
Most recently after gastric bypass surgery in November, 2009 I was given Vicodin for pain. Although my pain was significant, I probably started taking the Vicodin to help me with stress after I came home from the operation. I quickly found myself counting my pills and looking for other sources of Vicodin, as my mother-in-law fortunately/unfortunately had a recent hospitalization too and had 60 of her own Vicodin with refill. Within three weeks I had finished my original prescription, finished her original prescription, and refilled hers for 60 more. Just last week I came to the realization that not only was I taking her medicine without telling her, but that I was down to just 30 pills left with my appetite for them growing. When I first started the Vicodin, suddenly I felt like I could handle whatever the day handed me. My stomach symptoms were better, but I would end the day strung out and exhausted with the amount of medicines I was taking and still recovering from my stomach surgery. Each time I stopped taking the Vicodin because I felt too good, I would start feeling clammy, panicky, irritable, and shakey. I started feeling guilty that I had “gone back down a dark path into addiction.” I started spacing out on my goals that I had for myself. I started feeling guilty as a mother and as a human being striving to move forward with a new mindset and body.
I reached out for help to someone I trusted. We talked about withdrawing slowly. I started cutting back on my two to four pill/day habit and got into a pattern for a number of days of just taking two pills. From there I tried to cut down to half a pill twice a day, but even that was some days too difficult. As a recent weekend approach, I found enough determination to stop using and to go back to my goals. I started taking my seroquel medication to stave off the irritability and my risperdal medication. That has been helping. I am still having trouble sleeping on day five of my slow withdrawal. The point I am at personally right now is that I want to be clean from withdrawal altogether, and I am impatient about it happening now. Outside support does help…………If anyone out there has experience, please help me deal with the fact that my mother-in-law still has 30 left of her own Vicodin. I still have them hidden in my own pill box. I can see that because I have taken her medication, she is also going through some withdrawal, and I am feeling pretty guilty. Do I give up her pills to her? Do I throw them all away once I am done with my withdrawal, or am I being incredibly selfish (I know the answer to that already) in not letting her have her medications. Had I not filled her original refill, she herself might not be withdrawing. God drug use really can make a bad guy out of you.
Please let this serve as my confession for my pained conscience. If there is anyone who can “read me” and not judge me, please let me hear from you.
Anne
Hey Now,
Thanks so much for posting Anne.
Withdrawal and all the insanity that goes with it sucks, but I am living proof that it WILL get better.
I have found the direct path, the quickest path. I won’t say it’s the easiest, I’m not sure their is an easy way to get off opiates.
If there was more folks would stop.
I would never judge you, I will support you, be here for you and cheer you on.
I know for me, luckily, I have no pills in the house nor am I in contact with someone who needs medication. SoI can’t really offer advice on what to do with your Mother-in-laws dope.
I have learned that if I don’t take the first one, I don’t have to worry about the next one. And that was the relief I was praying for.
Welcome and thank you so much for being here. I need you on my journey out of active addiction.
Keep posting.
Joe
Good Morning Folks.
As always, I pray that if you are thinking about getting off pills, getting through the horrible withdrawls and beginning a new life.
That you start today. It is so worth it.
As for me, I had a deep revelation last night, so I cam here to share it.
I had been going along smoothly since the new year, however I was getting those feelings of discontent, those feelings of hopelessness, what’s the use.
I have not had a pill since May 22, 2009 and I guess the newness had begun to wear off.
As it did and I guess you could say subconsciously, I was becoming more and more selfish. as I became more selfish, i became more depressed.
Then yesterday I came home from work, my daughter had gotten a poor grade on a Vocabulary exam. Now I had spent last week coaching her, talking to her. Explaining how important the decisions she makes now are.
I thought she “got it”
Now I need to say God has blessed me with some great kids, Straight A students. Know what’s right, very considerate and beautiful, funny and articulate.
Anyway somehow her low grade, was not about her it was about me. The manager, the coach. The guy who get’s results. I had failed. I blew up man. (inside rage) not at her.
Well I’ve learned to do things differently now. I don’t go score when emotions hit.
I take a walk,, or go to bed. or pray.
So I grab my Dog Coco and we head out for our walk, for some reason she jets off, won’t come when I call her, I start going nut. Now I’m screaming Coco get over here. The louder I yell the faster she runs away.
I’m losing it by this point.
Anyway, I get back to the house. It hits me like a ton of bricks,
Everything is always about me. I am self centered.
I don’t want to be in charge anymore of others. I can’t find happiness in my plans. I am not God, I no longer want to be in control of those around me (i never really was)
This whole self propulsion, get it done, my strength, my wisdom, my insight, my skills. They can only all come together for good should I choose not to serve myself. I can no longer serve Joe. I can no long be “what my life is about.
It just will not work.
Today Dear Lord Jesus, I beg you Please take my life, show me how to live. Become the Lord of my life. Help me.
The results of my actions are no longer up to me, I will trust you lord with the results.
For my part I will do the best I can to be a loving, caring helpful man.
Thanks,
Joe
Joe,
Thanks for posting…as always. I think we all struggle with a bit of self-centeredness on occasion. At least you’re noticing it…some of us never do.
Hey Now.
Happy Valentine’s day!!!!! Hope love finds it’s way into everyone’s heart today.
If you don’t want pills to rule your life. They don’t have to.
I’m doing well, it was so amazing we got a snowstorm down here in Texas on Thursday night, it was the first one my kids had experienced, what a joy to see there reaction.
Having gown up in the mountains of NE PA. Snow was a way of life.
But Thursday night as the snow fell and I was out playing with the girls I had one of those moments, The ones that see you through the work, the pain, the depression.
Being Clean opens doors to stuff. Good stuff, Real Good Stuff.
Love,
Joe
Hi Everyone,
Joe – Remember this post? :
I have lost all self-worth, and all hope. I was helped by this blog and so a will not use today no matter what, I have tried everything, rehabs, jails, moves, new jobs, nothing has ever worked.
You wrote back in May ‘09. Look at how far you’ve come. I am writing this because your posts have helped me immensely.
Keep up the good work Joe and everyone on here!
Steve.
Hey Steve,
It never fails. I get what I need Today. Your words are much to kind.
Thank you
Hey Now,
Well, Well, Well. You can never tell.
9 months ago today I awoke from a drug induced sleep, coma whatever. Or should I say something woke me.
I never thought when I decided that I would not use that day that it was the start of something. I knew it was then end of something.
To every poster or lurker here. This day is in your honor. Your words, your lives, your love SAVE MY LIFE.
I have just one thing to say…
How can Help.
Really if you do not wish to take a pill today, you need not.
Love,
Joe
My sister has recently been found to be abusing Vicodin for the second time in ten years. She went through day treatment and five years of monitoring, and admits she never really “bought into” the program (difficulty with the “higher power” part of the 12 steps.)
With easy access to prescription pads, ds claims to have been taking up to 40 (yes, forty) pills a day.
I recently made a lengthy visit to her home to support her as she faces the consequences-loss of job, insurance, possible prosecution, etc. She has had minimal symptoms of withdrawal, which I find incredible. Should we, her children and I, insist that she take a urine test to see if she’s truly quit using as she says? She is planning to start another day treatment program next week and is very remorseful (or so she says.) She is also on meds for depression. Do I trust her or is that a silly question under the circumstances? I’m not looking to push her past the breaking point, but she seems very emotionless and withholding. I want to help her but not enable. Will day treatment be enough? Thoughts, anyone? Thanks for this forum.
Debbie
Morning Folks,
We start another month, here is to living for today.
It can be the first day of a whole new life.
I continue to pray, pray for every person who is seeking a way out. A way to move beyond pain pills.
Personally, I continue to move forward, slowly climbing out of the hole I was in.
I try to learn, to understand and to love.
It really is a baby step process and learning to live drug free is really scary.
But amongst the doubt, the hassles, the worry.
Lies this stream, I can’t explain it, it’s like a never ending river of love and hope. I dip into every morning.
When I was getting high. dope was that stream. But it was fake, it ran out, it made me do things that got me into trouble.
This stream has not got me into trouble once, not once. Although it does empty you out, fill you up and keeps you guessing.
And even though sometimes I don’t feel it, I know it’s there.
It provides me with the energy, the exact amount I need to make the day.
I thought I’d share some progress I’ve made. Sometimes I can’t see the growth.
Then: Could not get out of Bed, too sick.
Now: Wake up early to pray, read and enjoy the quiet.
Then: The only thing that made life tolerable was dope. And it stopped working.
Now: I use prayer, exercise, love, talking, writing, listening, working, watching as my tools to get through the day.
Then: starting 12 months probation, dwi class, drug offender class, 7,500(apx) in fines, tickets court costs. 100 hours of community service No job, No hope, No life.
Now: Completed 12 months probation, went to the DWI class, paid off 5,400 of the fines and court costs. Worked all 100 hrs of community service. Have a Job, Have Hope, And a life worth waking up to.
Am I finished, Heck know.
Is the work to do, you betcha you.
Can I get it all done, no. Not today.
Do I still seek changes. Of course.
I would love a new job. The one I have is killing me physically.
I would love to have all the legal stuff behind me. I will if I stay clean and keep moving forward.
I want to be more loving. more selfless. I will keep plugging along.
Sometimes, Life get’s heavy man, like it is this morning and I gotta lighten the load.
So I’ll dip into that stream of love…AH what a relief.
Now let’s get busy.
Love,
Joe
Hi. My name is Jackie.
I think I posted in a different thread somewhere a couple of weeks ago.
I have been tapering down from norco for three weeks now. I was taking 4-6 pills a day. 6 being the high dose I would take to get some energy. When that didnt work anymore, I started doing coke, too. I thought I was having a blast and being so productive, but I wasnt really. ( of course)
I was prescribed vicoden during breast cancer treatment for the pain from surgery, and then for the back pain I got after laying around for so long. I have been taking them for 4 years. That seems so insane to me now.
About 3 weeks ago, I was watching Celecrity Rehab and was surprised at how many of the addicts were addicted to vicoden. I immediatly went to my bottle and counted them all out into daily dose containers. I took what would have lasted me ten days and spread it out over 3 weeks. yesterday i took the last half pill. ( 5mg) I think it was a great taper and it worked.
I went for a walk and ended jogging on Wednesday and now I have a severe cold. From what I read here, I was probably ripe for it.
My usual relapse behavior is when I feel great! I want to feel greater! I am trying to be in touch with my addict voice. Meaning, I am trying to understand that it is the AV that is whispering to me. I was interested in RR years ago, but the beast won.
I still have to stop drinking. That is the most dificult for me. I am going to take one thing at a time. I have cut back a lot, just not ready for 100% I guess.
This forum and this thread have been very helpful to me. I have read it twice now over the three weeks.
I am taking supplements, but need that L-tyrosine.
Thanks to Joe,Admin,Sweet and everyone else who ahve opened up here.
dang. so much for being anon.
Joe Sucks – He’s telling my story or following me around taking notes. I’m on day 3 and pill free after 18 months of opiates and I feel like a train hit me. Joe you have given me light – Thank You, At post 126 approx you told my story, Legit pain to start, Pills,more pills, different pills, lying,cheating to get more pills, morally bankrupt, pills not working anymore. Can i stop the insanity ? Thanks for the outlet -Takes one to know one
Hey Now,
I pray everyday that someone join me on this road. Thanks so much for stopping by guys.
This thread is ridiculously long now, thanks for scrolling through it.
Jackie, getting off those dam pills was one thing, staying of them is yet another. I can only share with you, that I did not take a pill today, MAN and here is the kicker, if i do that, which is to say, the action of not taking a pill, I am do something.
I think that’s the beauty of not using. By doing nothing you are doing something.
From your post, it appears you have overcome some major stuff, I hope you keep coming around, I need your wisdom, hope and courage.
Peter!!!!! Welcome home brother, yeah it is bizarre how alike we are. I found that pain shared is pain lessened. You have found a really sweet spot to heal. Hope you come back.
love
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