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I’ve decided to create this blog for all of you who are suffering through the debilitating symptoms of vicodin dependence/addiction and subsequent withdrawal. I can’t count how many times I’ve detoxed from opiates, and every time I’ve prayed that it would be my last. In my many years of dealing with opiate dependence I’ve unfortunately become accustomed to the pain of being “dope sick,” and I’ve actually found different ways of helping me cope with it.

This blog is mainly here to help you with your vicodin and other opiate related withdrawal symptoms, but I will also be writing about the recovery process, pain management and where you can find help for your addiction (if you have one) as well. However, I don’t feel as though all of my readers are going to be “addicted” to prescription painkillers. Some of you may be in need of a recovery center, yet others might just be trying to cut down your physical dependence on the drug. Whether or not you’re “hooked”, I think that excessive use of opiates is definitely a less than ideal lifestyle, and should be corrected by any means necessary.

Disclaimer: I personally am not a 12 stepper, but I am not here to place judgement on anyone’s beliefs either. When I speak about recovery it will be in a very objective manner. I’ll lay out alternatives so everyone can choose the path that they want to take. I’m a firm believer that there is no single way for everyone. We must try and find out what works for us as individuals, and once we do, we must stick with it.

With that said, VicodinWithdrawal.org is a resource for individuals who are looking for information on how to either deal directly with the symptoms related to acute opiate withdrawal, or to find alternative ways of removing the drug from their system. Whether that means checking into rehab, doing a rapid detox, or just going old school and locking yourself in the bedroom. Whatever works for you. :)

I hope to share my experiences with you, and maybe help a few of you in the process.

3,241 comments

1 D. { 07.22.08 at 9:41 pm }

hi. my mother is currently detoxing at this moment (I can hear her downstairs right now. terrible!) when i got clean there really wasn’t much of a physical detox like what my mother is going through. is there something.. anything that i can do to help her? this is day 3 or 4 and so far, today has been the worst. i want to help her through this, but i am a little bit out of my league here.

2 admin { 07.23.08 at 4:30 pm }

Well, I feel for you and your mother…I’ll keep you in my prayers. What’s she detoxing from, and how much was she taking? I think that question definitely comes into play during any kind of withdrawal. Judging from your concern, she must have been a heavy user, with whatever opiate it is that she’s using.

At this point, I would just give her some emotional support, and help her stick it out for a few more days. They say that withdrawal only lasts about 72 hours, but from experience, I can tell you that that is BS. Most of the physical symptoms become bearable by day 7, and are hardly even noticeable by day 14. She’s on day 4, so she only has a few more days left.

Hot showers really helped me, so if you want to set her up with a hot bath or shower, I would do that. Keep reminding her that she’s already 4 days into this, and that she’s getting through the worst right now. Having somebody there to “cheer you on,” for lack of a better term, really helps ease the agony in my opinion.

Yeah, so like I said before, I would help her emotionally and give her whatever she needs to feel more comfortable expect for the opiates. She’s too deep into the detox for any type of tapering regime. Does she feel like she has an addiction to this stuff? Like, she can’t stop on her own?

Hope this helps, let me know if you have any other questions.

3 Question please { 07.24.08 at 9:12 am }

I have fibromyalgia and have been taking two to three Vicodin a day. I am tryting to wean off of it. Only took one pill today so far and in such pain. I don’t know if it’s not from taking the pill or the fibormyalgia. I am just aching all over, but I have been doing that also before trying this. Can you advise. I tried to sign up but cannot seem to find where to do it.

Thank you, Pat

4 admin { 07.24.08 at 6:17 pm }

Hi Pat,

I just barely set this blog up, so I haven’t added any type of newsletter or rss subscription links to it yet, but I promise I’ll get those up as soon as I can.

As for tapering the Vicodin, it’s going to have to be done in really small steps. Let’s say that you’re taking three 5mg pills everyday, and you’ve been doing that for months. Well, you can pretty much assess that your habit is 15mg per day. Now if you all of a sudden cut your intake to one 5mg pill per day, you’re for sure going to feel the effects of withdrawal from the other 10mg that you’re body isn’t receiving.

In order for the tapering process to be effective, you’ll have to reduce your dose in small increments. It sucks to have to do that, but it’s really the only way for you to get through it without serious withdrawal symptoms. Chances are that the pain you’re feeling right now is a combination of both your fibromyalgia and a little bit of the detox aches.

What I did a while back, was I bought a pill splitter from the local drug store that allowed me to break each 5mg pill into 4 pieces if I wanted to. So then, instead of dropping a whole 5mg’s of the drug from my intake, I was able to break it into 2.5mg or even 1.25mg.

So if I was you, I would assess my current habit. Then I would take that number and remove a small amount from it. Try that for a day and see if the pain is bearable. The goal here isn’t to avoid discomfort completely, otherwise you’ll end up back where you started. But, what you want is to make it easy enough to handle. Once you’ve lowered your dose and stayed at the new amount for 3-5 days, then work on lowering it another step. Keep doing that until you’re completely off the stuff.

This post is assuming that you have a large supply of the Vicodin. Otherwise, you’re going to have to either secure some, or just tough it out for a while.

Best of luck to you Pat, I’ll keep you in my prayers. Let me know if you have any other questions.

5 melissa { 08.15.08 at 11:48 pm }

Thank you for your info. I’m a vicodin user due to chronic pain. I tried to detox myself a few days ago and it was agony. I’m hoping to kick them soon. I’m very very scared.

6 admin { 08.16.08 at 12:11 am }

Hi Melisa,

It can feel like hell during the process, but you’ll feel so great after it’s all done.

Have you tried tapering? Try reducing your dose slowly over a long period of time. Psychologically it’s tough, but I believe it can be done because I’ve done it myself.

Best of luck to you, and God bless. :)

Email me if you need any help.

7 SweetFreedom { 11.29.08 at 8:34 am }

Can you please tell me what I should do? I have been on Vicodin of and on for about 3 years due to acute Achilles problems. I want off!!! I have had 2 surgeries on one leg with my most recent one in August to reconstruct the Achilles and heel. In the last 3 weeks I started to have great success with the pain decreasing. When I decreased the amount of Vicodin accordingly, I noticed the withdrawal symptoms. My body is physically dependent now. Here is my question. I will be having my other Achilles reconstructed at the end of January. I am sure I will be put on more Vicodin then. Do I go through the withdrawals now, knowing I will be doing it again 3 or 4 months out from my next surgery or do I stay on a real low dose of Vicodin all the way through and do the withdrawals once? Currently I am taking 1/2 Vicodin at night before bed and I am taking 1/4 vicodin every 4 to 6 hours during the day. What should I do. I can honestly say that there are times when my Achilles pain still needs some help but when I found that I had the addiction I freaked and decided I needed to get help.

8 SweetFreedom { 11.30.08 at 5:39 am }

I just re-read my post and I need to clarify that the type of Vicodin I am on is the the kind that says 10/325 on the front of the bottle. Also in talking with my surgeon, he says that the average time frame of someone being done with the pain medication, who had the same type of surgery I did, is 6 months. He said i just happened to be healing really fast. So I guess most people who have my type of surgery end up dependent on Vicodin. I wish I had known that. I don’t think I would have done anything different but I wish I had known. What should I do? I am scared.

9 Kristin { 11.30.08 at 5:44 pm }

Hi I too am trying to detox on my own and it is hell. I have chronic neck and shoulder pain. I have a one year old little boy who counts on me every day. he is my motivation to ignore th detox symptoms. Plus my husband really has no clue how much vicodin I really take in one day. Usually 5 but I have taken 7 to 9 in one day. I know I can detox I have done it before. I really am embarassed to tell anyone about my habit. So I have to suffer in silence and do this on my own. My son is my only inspiration. your website has given me hope as well. Thank you!

10 admin { 11.30.08 at 10:21 pm }

@Sweetfreedom
The first thing that I want to tell you is; don’t be scared. I know that the whole experience is probably a little frightening but that doesn’t mean you need to be afraid. Be strong, be courageous and know that you’re tough. Seriously, you’re going through two achilles surgeries for Pete’s sake. That requires some serious courage, so you can rest assured that you’ve already got that in the bag. Now, on to the detox plan…

Judging from the amount that you say you’re taking, it doesn’t seem like your tolerance is that high. The 10/325 means that there is 10mg’s of hydrocodone (vicodin) and 325mg’s of acetaminophen (tylenol) in each of your pills. Assuming that you take your 1/4 dose 4 times a day, you’re only dependent on about 15mg of the bad stuff, including your bedtime dose, which isn’t bad at all. And, if that takes care of your pain, then you know you don’t need to up your dose either.

With that said, my question to you is; why did you take the vicodin for 3 years? Was it just for the pain? Or do you like the way they make you feel? If it’s just for the pain, then you can assume that you don’t have much of a psychological addiction to the stuff, and that you’re just physically dependent. If that’s the case, I would continue tapering, but do it slowly. You have another surgery coming up, and chances are that you’ll need to use the vicodin again, so there’s no point in going through withdrawal twice. Just set a time after the second surgery to drop the habit once and for all, then move on with your life.

I think the hardest part in all of this is the fact that you have a legitimate reason to take pain medication, but if I was you, I would start looking for alternate ways to manage your pain. I really believe that as humans we have an incredible ability to control our pain. I remember when I was using, I was a sissy. Not because I didn’t feel like I could be tougher, but because I liked how I felt when I was on opiates. So, I would always make injuries worse than they really were, just so I could get some meds. When I finally left that part of me behind, I made a serious effort to “feel” stronger. I would tell myself that I could handle anything, and that no pain could make me want to use vicodin. Long story short, I make it through a dislocated shoulder and the worst strep throat ever without any opiates. Talk about a confidence booster. :)

Stick with it Sweetfreedom. Don’t ever forget about why you want off the stuff, make a decision today that you’ll do whatever it takes to overcome your injuries and your vicodin habit and I guarantee you’ll look back on this day with pride. That’s my advice, I hope it helps you. Remember to get some extra help if you feel like you need it. There are plenty of options out there for you.

All the best.

11 admin { 11.30.08 at 10:38 pm }

Hi Kristin,

Take a look at the comment above, the one that I left for Sweetfreedom, I feel like much of it applies to you as well.

You already know that if’ you’ve detoxed once, you can do it again. I think one thing that most people who try to get off opiates don’t realize is that they can’t do it as fast as they’d like to. Usually when we want to get clean, we want it right then and there, but reality is, that we need to taper slowly, otherwise we’ll face some pretty nasty withdrawals. 5 a day is a decent sized habit, so if you have a steady supply, I would take it really slow. Start writing it down on paper. See how much you’re taking now, and reduce that amount by 15% every week. So if you’re taking 40mg now, then next week take 34mg and so on.

This is all assuming that you’re not mentally addicted to the stuff. If so, then the whole tapering thing is going to be very very hard. See, I didn’t take vicodin for pain, I took it because I loooooooooved the way it made me feel, so tapering was a huge problem for me.

Last thing; don’t go at this alone. Find someone that you can reach out to that is open-minded and will be able to support you. If you’re spiritual, then pray A LOT!! There were times when I felt alone and depressed, but spending a little quiet time with God really brought me some peace.

I wish you the best Kristin. Let me know how everything works out.

12 SweetFreedom { 12.01.08 at 5:45 am }

Thank you so much for the reply. Thank you. It is hard not to be scared when you feel the detox starting. I am REALLY stubborn. When I quit using caffeine, the detox headache just made me mad. I know this is a lot different. I started keeping a journal marking everytime I took a Vicodin. I think 15-20 mg. is pretty acurate for what I have been taking for the last 2-3 weeks but I think I was taking more like 40 mg. a day before that. Obviously the closer I calculate back to my surgery, I was on even more and initially I also had to take that stuff called Dilauded along with the Vicodin.
I have had Achilles problems for the last 12-13 years. They are too short for the length of my legs. This also caused a gait problem (walking) so I ended up with pretty bad back pain. I have been on Vicodin off and on since July 2006 because that is when I blew out my right Achilles while running sprints. It never healed correctly and the pain I have had the last 2 1/2 years has been pretty harsh. I finally went to a foot and ankle specialist who could tell immediately what was happening. The best news here is that what he did to my right leg in August WORKED!!!! It hurt like @#$% but it worked. It feels the best it’s felt in 13 years! That is why my left one is scheduled in January. Right now it (left leg) is not as bad as the other was but it will be if I don’t have it lengthened and fixed. Achilles surgery, for me, was more painful than childbirth. I was singing fast food songs when I was giving birth to my oldest. I have always thought I had a high pain tolerance until this Achilles thing happened. As far as how I feel, I hate hate hate what the Vicodin does to my head and stomach but I am thankful for what it does to my legs. Sometimes my legs hurt so bad that I feel clausterphobic because I can’t get away from them. About 80% of Achilles rupture people that I have talked to all say that sometime between 6-12 weeks post-op they all either consider a shot to the head or amputation. (Jokingly of course but scary that so many say the same thing!) So when my leg started feeling better and I stupidly just thought, well I can stop taking this stuff now, that is when I figured out that my body was dependent.
I don’t know if this is bad but I have also decided to tell everyone I am close to. I guess I was hoping for support. I am especially explaining this all to my teen-age boys because they need to understand what has happened. Ironically, my oldest is finishing up his second year of college pre-med. I have THE MOST SUPPORTIVE HUSBAND who is willing to take time off of work to stay with me for the 96 hour detox flu.
Last night was the first night that I didn’t wake up at 3:00A.M. and have the jitters. I don’t know if it was a fluke or if the taper is working.
What was my alternative to the vicodin? There were times, just 6-8 weeks ago that my pain was so bad that I had to concentrate to recite my cell number. I went to a doctor 7 weeks ago for something different and my blood pressure was scary high. They were panicked until they figured out it was a pain response and they made me take more Vicodin. I normally have really low blood pressure and yes, my medication tolerance is low (I usually have to take a pediatric dose of everything).
Why do doctors and nurses tell you that if you are taking Vicodin for legitimate pain, you will not develop a dependence? How can that be true? Maybe they meant to say, you will not develop an addiction?
I just didn’t know what to do. The detox symptoms are scary. I know I will be put back on Dilauded and Vicodin after leg #2. I was leaning towards what you suggested which was to wait and do the detox once. It seems that my doctor has no problem prescribing it for at least 6 months post-op. (I had a different doctor who was giving it to me over the last 2 1/2 years)
Right now I am at 11 hours since I had any Vicodin and I am not yet experiencing any symptoms. Before, I felt it after 4 hours. Does that mean the taper is working? Thank you for being there. I am a spiritual person and will be praying for all I read about on this forum. One of our pastors at church just had a horrible accident with a chain saw and his right hand. He is headed for multiple surgeries. Now I know one other thing to pray for him on. Pain medication dependence/independence.

13 admin { 12.02.08 at 2:18 pm }

@SweetFreedom
You’re very welcome. :)

My main reason for starting this blog was just to share my experience and thoughts on what I’ve been dealing with for the past 10 years of my life. I was hoping that I could help some people along the way, and even if it turns out to be just one, then I know I did my job.

It seems like you’re making some serious headway here. If you don’t feel bad after 11 hours without a dose, then that’s a great sign. Just keep at it. You’ll get to a point where you’ll be taking tiny amounts only when you notice that you’re feeling a little crummy. Before long you’ll be off. I know that you’re going back in to surgery again, and my original thought was for you to just leave the detox for then, but if you’ve come this far, you might as well stick with it. This way your tolerance will be lower too, so you won’t need as much of the pain meds to help you feel better.

You think you can do it without the Dilaudid? That might be a little too much to ask huh? I would try it though. Give it a shot (no pun intended), just tell doc that you don’t really want to get too doped up, and you wanna see how much of the pain you can tolerate. Sounds a little masochistic, but what I’m trying to get at here is that you’re the one in control. The doctor will give you as much as you say you need. It could be overkill, or it could be just the right amount. Remember, that whatever pleasure you gain from the opiates today, you will have to be paid back during your detox tomorrow.

To answer your question about whether or not you will become dependent on opiates if taken for legitimate pain…that’s a bunch of BS. In the past, I’ve successfully moderated my usage to just what the bottle says. 1 tablet every 4-6 hrs as need for pain, and I always became dependent, meaning, that I always went through withdrawals when I stopped. The only time that I didn’t go through withdrawals was during a one month period when I was able to take just 10mg’s during every 24-hour period. So I really think that the time between each dose should be more like 24 hours instead of the usually 4-6 (or 8), if one does not want to develop serious tolerance.

As for the whole addiction thing; I was addicted after having my first vicodin, so that’s more of a person-to-person type thing.

I’m happy to hear that you have a nice support system. Some of the people you’ve told probably won’t understand you, but if they really care for you, then they’ll be on board. I’ll pray for you and your Pastor.

Talk to you soon

14 SweetFreedom { 12.02.08 at 5:58 pm }

There is a chance that I won’t have to have as much work done on my left Achilles. I won’t know for a little while. I am pretty sure I will use the Dilauded again. On my last surgery, I used it and the 10/325′s alternating every 2 hours and the first 4 days of pain were indescribable with all of that. I also had a poplitiel nerve block that only held for about 6 hours post-op. I think I stopped using the Dilauded on day 6. If I have less slicing and dicing than maybe I won’t need it. Who knows.
Today was kind of different than the last few. I was feeling the detox after only 4-5 hours. What causes this to happen? Why was I able to go 11 hours the other day and today seemed horrible? Is this in my head or did I cut too much too quick?

15 admin { 12.02.08 at 11:46 pm }

@SweetFreedom
I was going to mention this in my last reply, but forgot to. It takes anywhere between 30-48 hours before you feel full blown withdrawals. So, since it takes a couple days for your previous tolerable amount to be adjusted to your new one, then you need to lower your dose accordingly. Make sure that you don’t lower your dose any sooner than two days, preferably every week. That way, you’re only facing full blown detox for very small amounts of the drug at a time.

Hope that helps.

16 SweetFreedom { 12.03.08 at 4:50 am }

That makes total sense. It sounds like I need to stay on each new lower dose for at least a week. I couldn’t figure out why I felt so horrible yesterday. Like I said, I have been keeping a journal and marking what I take and when I take it. I still only had 25 mg. yesterday but I was a lot more uncomfortable. Judging by how fast I was going through prescriptions before, I seriously had to have been taking anywhere from 4-6 (40-60mg)a day just as recently as 3 weeks ago. I am so thankful you are here. I would have nobody to help me with this info. My insurance doesn’t really supply doctors who know about this. The doctors (OR NURSES) I’ve talked to either say there should be no dependence yet or they rattle off the same taper schedule you would have tapering from ANY type of medication. Aren’t they all different? Thank you again.

17 SweetFreedom { 01.13.09 at 6:28 am }

Are you still there? I am getting more worried about detox now. I talked with a chemical dependence nurse from my insurance. She said that she did not recommend that I detox before my last surgery. She thought I should go through it once and for all after the next surgery. It has been really hard knowing what I am about to go through. I think I am dreading this detox almost more than I am dreading the surgery. (Maybe because this is my 3rd Achilles surgery.) I hate being a slave to this stuff. On the days that I had less vicodin, I noticed the tightening of the chest. I also have asthma. I feel worried about not being able to breathe. Should I check with my asthma doctor about that? Grr! I want all of this overwith. Pain wise, I could have lived without the vicodin for the last 4 weeks but I was told to stay comfortable and wait for the detox. I have never had a problem in my life that I had to wait to tackle. I am not very patient.

18 Markus Johnson { 01.24.09 at 8:38 pm }

I had surgery two days before Christmas of 2008 and was prescribed an extensive supply of Hydrocodone, a generic form of Vicodin- about 4 refills of 30 pills (10mg). I took the drug at first to relieve the pain of surgery. About two weeks after the surgery the pain was gone and I began recreational use literally every night for another month, and I used all but one refill. I did not take the drug last night, and felt extremely anxious, sad, jittery, and I couldn’t sleep. Would this be considered withdrawal symptom? I do have trouble sleeping often and I am an anxious person by nature, but last night and today it was particularly bad. I do not have cravings to take the drug and don’t feel like it would be difficult to stop. Would it be dangerous to just immediately discontinue taking the Hydrocodone without any other precautions or actions on my part, just simply stop?

19 Markus Johnson { 01.24.09 at 9:06 pm }

Also, to add to my above post… I take about 2-4 tablets of the 10/325 Hydrocodone ONLY at nightime for a period of a two weeks. I took the pills for two weeks before the two weeks of nightly recreational use, taking about 40mg-50mg/day. I would greatly appreciate your thoughts on a gameplan for quitting, and how to control withdrawal (if I have it). And I wanted to say that I think this blog is great and very helpful/informative.

20 admin { 02.20.09 at 2:58 pm }

I apologize for the delay in response. You may have noticed in my other recent comments that I mention a family emergency that I had to attend to which kept me away from this site for a while.

@SweetFreedom
I hope everything is ok with you. Please let us know how everything turned out.

@Markus
I hope I didn’t catch you too late. If this is the first time you’ve had trouble with the Vicodin, then consider yourself lucky. You should have no problem getting back to your normal life physically in a few short days. Do you have a large supply? If so, I would say that you taper your dose. Since your tolerance is not that high, I would suggest you wait and take a pill when you feel like you just can’t stand it anymore. But, don’t take the whole 10mg. Take like 2.5mg and see how you feel. If that holds you over, then just do that. You’ll have to adjust accordingly, but the hardest part is overcoming the temptation to get high again…if that’s what you were using them for. It’s impossible to taper unless you’re willing to ignore that part of your mind that tells you to get loaded. Best of luck to you Markus. If you want, you can send me a private message so we can chat.

Take Care

21 Sweet Freedom { 02.23.09 at 5:09 am }

I made it through my last (hopefully) surgery. I am almost 3 weeks post-op. I contacted a chemical dependence nurse with my insurance. Turns out that she works with my orhtopaedic’s office all of the time. Apparently the type of surgeries I have had tends to lend itself to some chemical dependence because the pain stays pretty intense for a while. I tried last week to see how little pain medication I could go with and found myself in tears staring at the crack in the wall. My leg is still hurting pretty bad. My doctor’s office was supportive when I told them I wanted off of the Vicodin but they said it may be a little soon. I had to have more done to my left Achilles than we all originally thought and then I had one of the 3 incisions get some infection in it. This didn’t help matters too much. I took your advice and used as little of the Dilauded as I could. Only used a pediatric dose for about 3 days post-op.
Vicodin does not make me feel high. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I have to balance between how much pain I can take and how much nausea and headache I can take. I know I could not have made it through these surgeries without it but I will be glad when there are no more prescriptions with my name on it.
The feeling my body gets when I haven’t had any for 6-8 hours (at night) is really scary. I feel a little like my throat is closing in. Is this normal?
I hope your family emergency has worked out. Thanks for being here.

22 admin { 03.04.09 at 12:52 pm }

@SweetFreedom

My family emergency did work out, but I had to attend to it for a little bit, that’s why I’ve been away from VicodinWithdrawal.org. Thanks for asking. :)

Great job on the low Dilaudid dose! It might not seem like it, but that’s a big step. When I did things like that, I knew that I was serious about getting better. I can’t imagine how much pain you’re in, so it’s hard for me to give you advice in that department. All I can say is hang in there. Just picture yourself when all of this is over, and you’re treating yourself to the real things in life that you enjoy. That’s gonna to be a beautiful moment. It’s happened to me before, and I get goosebumps thinking about it.

Best regards SweetFreedom. Let me know how everything works out.

23 Sweet Freedom { 04.06.09 at 4:35 am }

Hi there! How are you doing? I am doing okay. I have been working on the taper for about 3 weeks now and that is going (so far) surprisingly easy. I am going to call my doctor today to see if there are any non-narcotic pain relievers that I can use at the same time. I am still having some pain problems and I don’t want to go backwords on the taper. The dose I am on now is just not enough for pain relief. Do you have any suggestions?

24 Sweet Freedom { 04.06.09 at 12:49 pm }

Hi Again,

I talked to the doctor today. What do you think of Tramadol?

25 admin { 04.06.09 at 2:25 pm }

Sweet Freedom,

Great to hear that you’re doing well, and that the taper is working out too. I would recommend that you stay away from Tramadol as an alternative for pain management. Although it’s classified as a non-opiate (true in part) synthetic analgesic, it still works on the same receptor sites in the brain and has nearly an identical “buzz” to most narcotic pain killers. It can also cause horrendous withdrawals that would make a Vicodin detox feel like a walk in the park. Read some of these stories and you’ll know what I mean: http://www.erowid.org/experiences/subs/exp_Pharms_Tramadol_Addiction_Habituation.shtml

That’s my advice, but I do realize that drugs affect everyone differently. If you do decide to go with the Tramadol, be very very careful.

Take care

26 Sweet Freedom { 04.06.09 at 3:23 pm }

Thanks so much for the quick response. I have decided not to take ANY Tramadol. I came home from the doctor with a bottle of the stuff and decided to do some research. I didn’t like what I read so I called the chemical dependence nurse through my insurance and she is upset that Tramadol is still used in the U.S. She told me the same thing you did. We destroyed the prescription. Why would someone prescribe that! The pharmacist didn’t even think it was a problem. Why? I am glad I have already learned a healthy distrust of medicine in general. I guess I’ll just stick with where I am at with my taper and try to push through some of the pain on my own. Thanks again!

27 admin { 04.06.09 at 10:11 pm }

Sweet Freedom,

No problem, glad to help. I think that if you really feel you need a narcotic pain killer, then Codeine is probably the safest. But, it all depends on where you are mentally. If you can maintain enough of a dose to take care of your pain without feeling the need (craving) to up your dose to get high, then you should be able to regulate your use without problem.

28 Sweet Freedom { 04.07.09 at 6:18 am }

I don’t know that I feel high when I take the vicodin. I think I feel more high when it is time for another dose and my head is a little more clear because it is wearing off. I don’t like the feeling on the vicodin. I could do without the headache and nausea and bloating. The chemical dependence nurse suggested to me that some of the pain I am having may be because the narcotics I have been on has “reset” my pain messengers. She cautioned me about not doing anything stupid and totally ignoring the pain. But my pain might be exaggerated and in a sense “fake”. I have to admit, that if it is my mind and nerves playing tricks on me then I will figure it out and I will beat that. I have been afraid to challenge the pain ever since my rupture almost 3 years ago because losing function in a leg was kind of tramatic. But I will challenge it. She said she is not sure but that there is a chance that after a few years of being off the vicodin, my pain messengers may “reset” back to normal to where I have a higher pain tolerance again. At 17 I finished playing about 40 minutes of a soccer game with a very obvious broken leg, You could see it when I took my shin guard off. When I had my face fixed (nose and cheekbones), I had to take something for about 6-8 weeks and when the low back issues, including a small fracture in my spine started, I chose to take vicodin so that I could function easier with two small babies to care for. I should have just toughed it out like I did when I was younger.

This nurse keeps suggesting a drug called Suboxone to lessen the affects of the withdrawal. Do you have any feelings about it? Thanks again for being there. I feel like you are my secret weapon aginst this whole mess. You have been such a blessing to me. Please don’t be afraid to be bluntly honest with me. I respond to that rather well.

29 admin { 04.16.09 at 12:36 pm }

Sweet Freedom,

Sooo sorry I took so long to respond. For some reason this comment went into my comment spam trap. It’s usually really good about not blocking legitimate comments, but not in this case.

As for Suboxone; I can’t speak from experience on that one. I’ve never taken it myself, so I can only go by what others have said. There’s been mixed reviews, and I think it’s all relative. For the junkie who’s sharing needles on the street, Suboxone will be a miracle, but for someone like you, there are better alternatives. I’ve been trying to feel you out this whole time to see if there’s any type of psychological addiction there, but I don’t see it. If you really feel confident in your ability to control your use, then I would stick with the regular opiates (vicodin/codeine) until you’re ready to start fighting the pain. The thing your Doc said about your receptors is most likely true, so it may take some time for your pain tolerance to increase, but you will get there as long as you keep trying. It’s easy for us to accept the medicated approach to pain management because, it’s so easily available, but these days I’m all about testing myself. I try to push my pain threshold just to see how far I can go. Sometimes it’s a bit extreme, but I’m glad it’s on the opposite end of the spectrum now. You’ll be surprised how much you can tolerate without drugs. :)

30 lara { 04.18.09 at 4:14 pm }

Is anyone out there? I need help. I want to quit but the withdrawal is horrible. No one knows the true extent of my addiction. I don’t want people to know but I can’t do this alone.

31 Sweet Freedom { 04.19.09 at 6:16 am }

Thanks for the reply on the Suboxone. I am really leaning against using any new drugs to help me get off the one I am on anyway but it helps to hear it from someone else.

I am REALLY stubborn and so far, in my life, when I turn against something, it is history. My usual choice is to end or destroy immediately. Having to do this gradually has been my challenge. So far I am winning but I do not underestimate this stuff. I am down to taking 3 a day (Mostly at night to sleep). My head is starting to clear. My bowels are starting to clear as well. (Sick! I know! but I never thought I would be excited for something like that to happen)
I have had a couple of nights that my pain increased sharply. I took my chemical dependence nurse’s advice and decided to push through it just to see what would happen. Ohhhh the ANGER I felt when after a while, the pain went away WITHOUT ANY PAIN MEDS. Your body will try to trick you to get more.. I also felt some freedom as well. The pain can not control my actions anymore. I can see how if a person does not fight this early it can lead to years of unnecessary use. I understand this now.

It seems as if my body knows what I am doing. It fought me at first but it almost seems as if it is expecting the constant decrease and is going along with it easier. I am sure the big ending flu will not be comfortable but if it is really horrible…so be it. My taper schedule has me ending around the end of May/early part of June. I can’t wait. My family played several board games this weekend. With my head being a little bit clearer, I won everything. Teehee. The fog is lifting! Thanks again! I will let you know when it is over.

32 Nancy { 05.21.09 at 3:12 pm }

Gee, My story is a lot like Kristins… My kids are grown now though, I take 90 Vicoprofen 7.5′s in less than a damn week. I have chronic head and neck pain as well as a back injury from a horse back riding accident. I have tried every therapy available and nothing works except the Vikes. I know that I am less motivated while on them and they make me smoke cigarettes (I usually do not). After my monthly supply is gone, (one week) i crash hard! I need a ton of sleep and my body is in such pain! I want to stop but the release from the pain is so good!

33 Joe { 05.25.09 at 10:25 pm }

Hi there I am 74 hrs into my detox, heavy addict here man just reaching out to anyone on or about day 3 of this hell, I have not slept since Saturday the insomnia and panic are severe. The chills and pain I’m used to. Pray for me please. I will check in daily.

34 Joe { 05.26.09 at 5:55 am }

Well it is now Tuesday Day 4 still no sleep and the fear is my driving emotion, the fear that I really can not stop, that I will die from this(active drug use) I have two great kids 11 and 8 a wife who as put up with my shit.

I have lost all self-worth, and all hope. I was helped by this blog and so a will not use today no matter what, I have tried everything, rehabs, jails, moves, new jobs, nothing has ever worked.

I have been using for 30 years–started drinking at 13 and am now 43. The last 6 years have been a steady diet of Vicodin, Xanax, Soma and Morphine. Various amounts daily usually whatever I had. I have gone cold turkey 100 times over the years, but never make it more than a few days. I never want to be sick again. I am done, I can not use and live.

Peace

35 admin { 05.26.09 at 11:43 pm }

Joe,

Thanks for sharing man.

Believe me, I know how hopeless this crap can make you feel, but you’ve gotta hang in there. Do you have any type of support system? It’s super tough to go through it on your own. Ninety-nine percent of my detoxes were done alone, so I know how it feels. But, it can be easier if you have some buddies who’ve been to the dark side, and actually made it back. That’s the key, you have to hold on to that little bit of hope that says: “You know what, I want to live my life without drugs”. It’s probably a tiny voice right now, but it grows stronger as the time passes. Trust that tiny voice, listen to it. This is a war, and wars are won through a series of tiny battles. So begin with your first battle…start resisting. Don’t give in to your temptation to pop all those pills. Do what you have to do to stay clean. Remember that tiny voice?, the one that gives you hope?…that’s the real you.

Hang in there.

36 Joe { 05.27.09 at 1:50 am }

Wow, Thanks for the response. Day 5 has begun. I have my wife and kids too help with these first few days, after that it will be time for new friends. I have been to NA and AA so I know clean people, right now shame and sickness has me pretty isolated that is why this blog has made a difference.

I actually look forward to making it through the day so I can post. Physically I feel just better enough to begin the insanity of worrying about everything that is wrong in my life.

But my motto now is minute by minute I am getting better.

Plan for today-take a walk, pray, and don’t use.

37 Joe { 05.28.09 at 3:20 am }

Day 6-I now feel like I have been through the wringer. The good news I got a few hours of sleep last night, however now my energy level is gone, my back is killing me and I have a all the negative thoughts running wild in my head. The what is the use thought, the one won’t kill me thought. And the big one, what the hell am I going to do now thought.

I am so very grateful for all the posts on this place, I am not alone, I can get through this and most of all I like everyone who finds this place am worth it, we all are. Pills are not the answer for me, Today i got to look for what is, and that search I know for me begins by asking in prayer.

Yeah Day 6 with all it’s glory is now upon me.

Peace

38 Joe { 05.29.09 at 5:40 am }

Day 7 is here, to be honest it is this week the 7-14 day period that is my real stumbling block. Over the years I have 9 times out of 10 gone back to the pills during this time period. It’s nuts man I spend a week near death with mental anguish that is beyond description.

Then the day I feel somewhat normal I will take a pill. I guess it is that empty, scared, fear that I never could deal with It really is crazy man.

I so identified with the depression parts of this blog thanks for that information.

I am going to do it different today, I usually (looking back) have isolated myself during this week. Today I will MAKE myself get around some people, do some exercising, I spent 5 hrs on yard work yesterday—it was nice to be out in the fresh air.

To anyone starting this road, WELCOME.

39 admin { 05.29.09 at 5:06 pm }

Joe,

Congrats on day 7…good job!!!

Ya, it was like clockwork for me at around the two week mark. I would start feeling good again, and that all too familiar voice would give me a little whisper. Then it’s like a chess match from there. If I could get through two weeks, then the third week would be pretty smooth, but by day 30 I would hear it again. It’s usually around day 60 where it’s not such a one way battle anymore. Hang in there man.

I’m glad the depression post helped you out. Go out and enjoy some clean life…it’s not half bad. :)
And don’t forget to keep us updated.

Take care

40 Joe { 05.30.09 at 4:15 am }

Day 8 (so it is true you can stop using drugs and live through 7days). Again, thanks for the response admin, you are helping REALLY. I now feel much better physically, back pain is lessing, the RLS of course keeps me from falling asleep but i got another 4 hours last night so I’ll take it.

Now some physical activity, prayer and positive people hope everyone has a great weekend.

41 Joe { 05.31.09 at 2:17 am }

Day 9- Woke up really early it’s 5 in the morning here. I slept though so I am really happy about that. I have spent the last 2 days out in the hot sun, and the last 2 nights around positive people.

Here is the really confusing part for me, while my pain has subsided to a manageable level my emotions are so out of wack I am ok one minute, than in a silent rage type feeling, then guilt stricken , than worried, than grateful. Man I need some peace. Of course to not be loaded on Dope is all I really want right now so for today I will enjoy not being out there on the chase for dope, or manipulating or stealing or lying pr being to sick to get up.

There is a reason I stopped, I never want to forget that reason. And that reason is I am a much healthier person OFF dope.

42 Joe { 06.01.09 at 2:55 am }

Day 10 WOW double digit days.. been a long time since I’ve made it this far, something I never would have accomplished alone. I can only speak on my life on Vicodin (I used for the effect, the energy, the feeling of well being, and the way it made my daily life bearable)

But the reality was it was causing me so many more problems than it was fixing at least over the last few years, but I just could not stop. Well I have stopped, the question now is. Can I stay stopped.

For today I can.

Pwace

43 Joe { 06.01.09 at 2:59 am }

What I meant to say was

Peace

44 Sweet Freedom { 06.01.09 at 3:57 am }

Joe,

You are such an inspiration. I know those words sound dumb but you have no idea how much respect I have for you. Thanks for sharing your fight.

I am in my final weeks of a Vicodin taper. Not looking forward to the final flu that is going hit but it will be worth it.

45 Joe { 06.02.09 at 7:48 am }

Day 11 is here and it is getting better. I wrote a longer post earlier but I don’t see it.

Physically I feel stronger than I have since this process started but I really am dogged by a sense of impending doom, and just the complete absence of natural positive good feelings. I am forcing myself to do stuff and I pray alot, exercise and share here and with friends and family.

If the earlier post shows up please forgive the double posting.

Peace

46 Adam { 06.02.09 at 10:28 pm }

Joe,

I noticed that your other comment for day 11 went into my spam folder for some reason. Then, when I was going to approve it, I accidentally pressed delete. Oops! I think it’s the late nights and the caffeine getting to me. I need some rest. :)

Oh that familiar sense of impending doom. It’s wonderful isn’t it? It would be easy for me to tell you that what you’re feeling right now is a false emotion because, well, I’m not the one feeling it. But we all know that in the heat of the moment, it feels way too REAL and personal…right? I hate to sound cliche, but it’s true when they say that “this too shall pass.” Pretend like you’re walking blindfolded through the forest right now. It’s a forest that you’re going to have to walk through whether it’s now or 5 years from now. We all eventually have to come to that point where we say; “ok, I’m done! I’m ready to be through with this sh*t!” But the great thing is that we only need to walk through it just once. It’s our own choice. I’ve personally made myself walk through that forest countless times, but that was because deep down inside I knew that I wasn’t done.

We can try and use again, we can try and moderate, and we might even be successful at it for some time. But for those of us that who have that romance with opiates, doesn’t it eventually lead us back to that spot where the sh*t hits the fan? Where it becomes unmanageable?

I can’t guess whether or not you’re going to stay clean. But, I’ll tell you that in my life, I’ve had to face the music on more than one occasion, and every time it took a little more strength to make it back. So the truth is that we either make it back, or we slowly work our way into a Heath Ledger type deal. Pretty sh*tty deal if you ask me.

Keep praying Joe. There are a ton of ways that you can get and stay clean (i.e. detox, 12-steps, CBT, etc…), but if you’ve read my “About” page you’ll know that my perspective is that recovery is very much a personal process. What works for me might not work for you and vice versa. If we’re not consciously searching for what works for us, then we’re consciously searching for that next fix.

God Bless

47 Joe { 06.03.09 at 5:42 am }

Thanks for the posts guys they are a major reason for my survival.

Sweet Freedom thanks for the kind words, No they are not dumb, life sustaining would be more appropriate.

Day 12 is here and yeah admin I know what you mean there is something different about this time. That difference is that I really deep down KNOW without a doubt dope will kill me. I don\t think I deep down every really believed that or if i did I didn’t care.

—->”If we’re not consciously searching for what works for us, then we’re consciously searching for that next fix.”

Now there is a truth I need to keep in the forefront above the noise in my head. Thanks.

For me I would describe this whole 30 year run on dope as believing the lie, I mean I had to lie to myself every day, in some fashion. I had to lie to people I came in contact with. I have lied so long, well I start to believe them myself.

I don’t know what is true.

I do know these fact are evident.

1. Dope turns me into someone I do not want to be.

2. If I take a pill, just one it will lead to another. And at some point the shit will hit the fan, and the reason will be a choice I made under the influence of the dope.

For now I am actively searching for ways to treat this depression. I am trying prayer, exercise and sharing with others while these have not eliminated the depression I am thankfully still alive.

The good news. I never have to do this again.

Sorry about the long post. I hate to go on and on. I am so grateful this blog is here and is saving my life.

48 Joe { 06.04.09 at 4:40 am }

Day 13, I feel well physically this morning, my legs hurt a bit but nothing drastic, I slept a few hours. Still taking me about 3 hours to fall asleep. I have not tried any sleep remedies. (figure my brain chemistry is still a mess). Emotionally I am still pretty much a basket case.

I was checking out where it says some symptom of PAWS are irritability (got it) and inability to handle stress or make decisions. ( Seems like every interaction I have with another human being is stressful. Here is to anyone who will decide today that they have had enough.

Peace

49 Joe { 06.05.09 at 4:43 am }

Day 14- I can not believe it. 14 days without a pill. I could create a list a mile long of what is wrong in my life or I can focus on what is REALLY an incredible thing. I have not taken a pill in 14 days. Only one word MIRACLE.

Thanks everyone and have a great weekend.

Peace

50 Joe { 06.05.09 at 4:48 am }

I heard this nugget at a meeting years ago, I think I get it. The dude said, “If i get hit by a train it will not be the caboose that kills me, will it?”

51 Joe { 06.06.09 at 2:45 am }

Day 15, Man the last few days have been really hard mentally. I’m not sure exactly what is going on. I guess it’s that I have been given so much information over the years, from 12 step folks, religious folks, mental health folks.

My Problem is that I never get this feeling of “Wow I’ll never use again.” Call it being Born again, or Surrender or whatever.

For me not using is really hard, I get a moment of peace followed by a long period of anguish.

I just ask God to not use and help me bear the pain.

Peace

52 Adam { 06.06.09 at 10:39 am }

Joe,

I’m gonna tell you what’s helped me stay clean, and I hope that it helps you too. If any part of it that strikes a cord with you, keep it. Otherwise, seek your own way. Eventually you’ll find it.

I did the whole 12-step thing years ago. Actually, I was forced to do it. It was a court mandated program that was based mainly on the 12-steps. For some reason, I always felt out of place at the meetings. Looking back, I think that my main problem wasn’t with all of the steps, just one of them…just the first one. I agree with all of the other ones, but I couldn’t admit to myself that I was powerless. A friend’s Dad introduced me to Christianity when I was around 12 years old, so I’ve always been a little bit religious. I believe in God, and I believe that the power of prayer is HUGE!, but I also believe that we’ve been given free will in this life, and we need to use that freedom very wisely. Debating whether addiction is a disease or not, is irrelevant to me. I’m a problem solver, and the problem is that for some reason I like opiates…A LOT! My brain likes to think that I need opiates in order to survive, and it does everything in its power to get me to use.

I believed that the problem with saying that “I’m powerless” was that I would be expecting God or a sponsor to bail me out of all my tough “cravings.” But I realized that He never really bailed me out, He just gave me advice, He guided me, but in the end I was the one who made the choice to use or not…not Him. The 12-steps help you in staying on the right path by giving you a sponsor and meetings. But to me, that’s like using a crutch for your free mind.

You know those days where you’re just romancing the heck out of the drugs? You’re ready to get high! At any moment, you’re ready to go score something to feel great. In NA and AA, they say that those are the moments when you’re powerless, in other words, you’re on auto-pilot and you’re just going through the motions. They also say that if you’re at that point, then you haven’t been working your program, and you’ve already relapsed. In a way that’s true, but I don’t like the whole “point of no return” thing. I believe that no matter how close you are to using, you still have the option of saying “NO!” And when you do, that is when your bond with your God will get closer. Winning those little battles is what wins the war. Sometimes you can’t rely on a sponsor or God to win those battles for you. You have to win them yourself, but when you do, it’s like God gives you a standing ovation. He loves it! So, my goal became figuring out how I could win those little battles alone.

Do you ever wonder why you feel like you can’t quit? Do you ever wonder why don’t feel like you could ever be without the drug, yet you still feel like you need to quit because all the crap you’ve gone through because of it. That’s called “ambivalence.” It’s almost like you’re two people.

About 5 years ago, I found this site called http://www.rational.org. Back then, I was pretty indoctrinated by the disease model of thinking, so I thought the site was a load of crap. But, I gave it a try anyway, and the one thing that it has really helped me out with, has been giving me the ability to separate myself from my addictive voice. That voice that says “you’ll never get/stay clean.” Addiction has a way of blurring the line between your rational and animal mind. You can call it the “spirit” and the “flesh”. The spirit tells you that life is better without drugs, but the flesh won’t have it. Having the ability to recognize who’s who, is indispensable.

These days, I use my own ability to recognize my addictive voice and just ignore it. At first it’s really tough, but as time progresses, it becomes a cakewalk. I’m also very spiritual. So, it’s like I’ve taken a hybrid approach to recovery. I’ve taken the rest of the steps from NA, and coupled them with my own ability to control my cravings, and it’s helped me out tremendously. I don’t have to go to meetings, and I don’t need a sponsor to stay clean.

So, take a look at that site, and see if it helps you out. Best of luck to you Joe. I’ll keep you in my prayers, and I’m sure you’re going to be just fine. Remember, that voice that says “I want opiates now!!” It’s bullshit. It’s not you. You want to stay clean. You want to be happy without drugs. You want the good life. The good life doesn’t come with drug abuse.

53 Joe { 06.07.09 at 2:26 am }

Hey thanks for sharing.

I did got to the site you mentioned. I had checked on RR years ago. I am able to recognize my AV.

I guess I can quit counting the days now, seeing as my beast has no concept of time. I will continue to explore everything this life of being drug free has to offer, who knows what’s out here.

I hope I can keep coming here and sharing, it’s a special place you’ve got.

Thanks.

54 Joe { 06.08.09 at 2:53 am }

Hey Everyone,

Just a few thoughts on me day Saturday. I spent a few hours on the web site for RR. I read the entire site, I was somewhat familiar with the concept. I took the crash course, and with all the honesty I could muster I went through the 28 flash cards and made my big plan.

I had an actual physical reaction to it. For the next day my body had a terrible headache and my back and legs really hurt. It was weird.

Than I woke up Sunday and I felt better physically than I have in years. And I thought I NEVER have to use again EVER.

I really enjoy that thought.

Having been in the “system of recovery” here in the US since like 1990 with bouts of being clean followed by more drastic bouts of using, I not sure what is scarier not using or not relying on stuff that wasn’t working for me. Meetings, Steps that kind of stuff.

I thought you either got NA or you died. That is a weird thought must be my beast.

And man I was AMBIVALENT. Everyday about most things.

My issue now is a perplexing one. I’m not sure I know how to be personally responsible, I’m not sure what my core values are, I don’t know how to succeed I can’t handle failure. I have no idea what to do with my life. Man confusion and is all over me. Of course it does sound just like the voice that tells me to use.

Maybe my AV also shames me, tells me I can’t enjoy life, tells me I’ll fail. I’ll keep listening and learning.

Hey Admin,
Thanks for the new path I can go down I’ll keep you posted on how it’s going.

Peace

55 Joe { 06.09.09 at 2:48 am }

Hey,

I just wanted to stop by and say Hi. Feeling well today physically and am taking life as it comes today. Hope everyone searching for a way out of the darkness of addiction finds a way,

56 Adam { 06.09.09 at 4:22 pm }

Joe,

That RR crash course really changed my perspective on this whole thing back when I read it. I’m glad it helped you out a bit.

I’m also happy you’re feeling good.
Feeling good is a good thing. :)
You almost forgot how it felt huh?

Try and get in some exercise. Get those endorphins flowing.

57 Joe { 06.10.09 at 2:57 am }

Good Morning everyone,

I continue on my path. scared and uncertain about life, but secure in my faith. I do have core values. I love my family, I am compassionate to others who suffer, I believe in God, I believe in working for what you want. I believe in a greater purpose than self. I believe in having fun. I had mentioned I wasn’t sure if I had values, I do and I will use them to keep me centered.

I have been exercising daily. Right now I walk (about 3 miles a day) and do push-ups. I am rather out of shape but I will push myself a bit more. I love swimming and basketball and golf so I will start enjoying these activities again.

Have fun folks.

58 Joe { 06.11.09 at 1:08 am }

Just wanted to stop by and say hi. Hope everyone has a real good day. Couldn’t sleep well last night. My mind would not shut off. I just keep thinking and thinking about my life.

I hope I can reduce my anxiety and worry over time.

Peace

59 Joe { 06.12.09 at 3:02 am }

Here is to a weekend of peace and joy. I hope everyone does something fun. I must admit the freedom from having to take a pill is really nice. If you have stopped using congrats. If you want to stop using, use the information here to assist you. There is some really excellent information here.

Oh yeah PAWS is real but knowing that the anxiety and horrible depression i go through at various points of the day, is not going to be a constant state but one that life’s stress does trigger has made such a difference

My plan for the weekend is to fave fun, and enjoy not using

Peace

60 Joe { 06.13.09 at 3:04 am }

Good Morning.

Sun is coming up and it’s gonna be a scorcher here, My plans for today are listening to some music, exercising and breaking a sweat.

I get frustrated sometimes at my lower back, I think I do have something wrong with it. Of course I lied to Dr.s all the time about how bad my back hurt. (I was seeking drugs). But i notice now I have bad back pain if I sit for a long time, and by the end of each day I’m sore.

Any thoughts anyone on treating back pain without narcotics?

Peace

61 Joe { 06.15.09 at 2:22 am }

Monday. I just wanted to say thanks for everything. I mean I am starting to feel human again. I have been using the AVRT to keep me clean. The amazing thing about it is the amount of negative thoughts I have, I would venture to say the 98% of my thoughts are negative or my AV. It’s crazy.

However, I know the the real me, the true thought is that voice that says. You do not want to use, You want to Have a life, a family, hope in a better day, so I really am using a ton of positive reinforcements daily and so far so good.

Have a great week folks.

Peace

62 Adam { 06.15.09 at 9:58 am }

Joe,

You have no idea how happy I am for you. Congrats! Keep it up. :)
There is so much to life that I didn’t explore because I was too busy getting loaded. These days, I’m always on the lookout for ways to get high off life. And believe me, I’m never let down.

Take care.

63 Nina { 06.15.09 at 2:48 pm }

Thanks for the posts. I am feeling very much alone in this addiction struggle.

I was heavily addicted to opiates for many years and got clean almost 20 yrs ago and stayed that way for 15 of them. About 5 yrs ago I made the mistake of innocently taking a percocet after a medical procedure and it must have triggered the addict in me because the beast was once again out of the cage. It happened gradually but as soon as I discovered you could buy vicodin over the internet it was just so damn had to stop.

Anyway, over the last few years I’ve tried to quit several times. I once made it for 3 months but I went back to the vicodin. I’m a pretty health conscious person so I’ve managed to keep my dose down to no more than 30 mg of the 10/325 per day for the entire 5 yrs I’ve taken them.

The crazy thing is, I loved my clean and sober life so much. For you Joe, and anyone else reading this it’s true when they say your life gets better. I promise you it will and you’ll gain a respect and love for yourself that you never could imagine. I want that back so bad and I really feel that i’m ready this time. I’ve had enough of this prison of addiction. I want my freedom back!

I gradually tapered off and I’m on day 3 with no pills. I feel terrible and have leg pains and no energy but I’m getting through it. I’ve been here many times before so I know what to expect.

What I know for sure is that I can’t do this without the help of god. I’ve been praying a lot lately and I know it’s helping. And I’m focusing on whats important in my life. I know that addiction is robbing me of my joy. There is so much living left to do and I can’t do it being a prisoner of these stupid pills.

I hope everyone is doing good today.
Thanks for all your courage and wisdom.

64 Joe { 06.16.09 at 2:31 am }

Hi folks,

I guess you could say I walk around amazed, I am just amazed that I am not sick, amazed that I am not on the chase for dope, amazed that I am feeling better physically.

I know that daily effort on my part is required if I just don’t want to stop the pills. My real goal is to become healthy.

I am turning from someone who is not taking pills into a someone who is living their life to the fullest. (That’s what I’ve deep down wanted all along).

If their is a voice somewhere in you mind saying something like ‘Man these pills are killing me” or “I want to stop this madness” or whatever it’s telling you. If you should decide to listen to it. I’ll be here rooting you on.

Peace

65 Jeff { 06.16.09 at 6:17 am }

Hello folks,

Been five days clean here. My girlfriend and I decided to stop this filthy habit. It all started when my dad put me on vicodin because I have really bad jaw pain from grinding my teeth really bad during sleep. When those ran dry I started buying Oxycontin. My girlfriend and I pretty much split every thing we got. We were using for about 9 months but never went over doing about 80mg of Oxycontin a day. Over the 9 months there were times where we could not get the drug and went threw withdrawl for a couple days until we found more. My question is with the amount and time that we have been doing this will we be hit with PAWS badly, I know its different for everybody.

Thanks for your help this site has been a huge help and should be considered the site you need to go to for stopping painkillers.

66 Adam { 06.16.09 at 2:55 pm }

Jeff,

I’ve never taken Oxycontin myself, but let me give you an idea of how that converts to Vicodin.

80mg’s of Oxycodone (Oxycontin) converts to about 120mg’s of Hydrocodone (Vicodin) according to the online narcotic dosage converter found here: http://www.globalrph.com/narcotic.cgi.

That’s like 24 regular strength Vicodin a day…not too shabby. :)

I remember being up to about 14 a day at one point, but that was early on in my opiate abuse career. The real question is, how long have you been using over the course of your lifetime? Not just these recent 9-months. I think your use history has a lot to do with how long it takes for you to fully recover, at least it did for me.

If you’re relatively new to the opiate game, then you shouldn’t feel the PAWS for more than a couple weeks. You can probably even speed up the process by adding to your immune health with things like exercise, vitamins etc…

I wish you and your girlfriend the best. Let us know how it goes.

67 Joe { 06.17.09 at 2:45 am }

Good Morning,

Man I am so excited to see some new folks checking out ways to get off pills. That is awesome.

Nina-. You sound alot like me. The depression and loneliness is brutal. That’s why I come here everyday, I took over this posting area,( I felt kinda weird, and selfish) but Admin is so cool here that they let me ramble it has helped so much. I hope you find comfort here. Please keep us posted on how it’s going.

Jeff-way to go Five days clean, Man that that is incredible. The aftershocks of opiate dependence that have are brutal but I want the good life brother and they tell me it’s down the road a bit. So I just keep going down it.

Peace

68 Jeff { 06.18.09 at 12:56 pm }

Hello everybody,

My girlfriend and I are nearing our 6th day clean!!! Today was the best day mental wise. I still have pretty bad leg cramps which get worse at night…

Adam thanks for the response. This was are first and last run with the pills. 9 months went by fast felt like I was in a dream. But anyways finally talked to my parents about my addiction and my dad is a doctor so he said since I wasn’t to heavy into them it shouldn’t be to bad. I just wish this leg cramping would leave!!!

Joe Thank you for your kind words really helped me out the day I read them!!!

Stay clean everybody and keep up that happy life!!!

69 Joe { 06.19.09 at 2:37 am }

Good Morning Folks,

Friday. I am actually getting excited about normal things again. (Like Weekends) Do you know how long it’s been since what day of the week it was even mattered. It is these little rewards right now that keep me fired up.

Everyday when I am popping pills is the same, wake up sick, take some pills, be disgruntled with life, search for a high that no longer existed for me and if I was lucky take enough pills so that I would pass out.

Today I am up, NOT SICK, and I have an eagerness to the day.

Jeff- Awesome brother. I can related to those leg cramps man. I read a post on here somewhere where a lady was saying the body is electricity flowing from the mind and exiting out of the bottom of your feet. During withdrawal your body is firing more juice than it can process thus the cramping. Made sense to me.

I figure if I have to go through leg cramping just once for the hope of a better life it is so worth it. I mean humans walk for 1000′s of miles across the deserts on this planet in search of a better life. I Consider myself a Lost Boy journeying to a whole new world any pain is temporary and the paradise awaits. Best of luck brother.

Have a great weekend folks.

70 Nina { 06.19.09 at 4:26 am }

Good morning!

Day 7 and I feel pretty good. I’m sleeping and the leg cramps are finally gone. My energy is returning slowly every day and I’m starting to be so much more alert and aware mentally. It’s nuts how we would want to sedate ourselves like that for so long.

I’m looking so forward to this summer being free from these pills. I can go camping, hiking all those fun things without worrying about having enough pills with me to keep going.

Joe and Jeff …you both sound so positive and I’ll pray for you (and your girfriend,) to stay clean.
This is the beginning of a incredible life for all of us.

Have a great weekend!

71 Joe { 06.20.09 at 3:22 am }

Good Morning.

Congrats on Day 7 Nina, and more importantly thanks so much for keeping us posted. I know that any little thing I do ( like a 10 second post here) helps keep me moving towards a richer, fuller life. Enjoy and Best of luck.

Plan for the day–Go outside in This heat and soak it into my bones, Pray and Smile.

Peace

72 Joe { 06.22.09 at 2:34 am }

Hey Everyone,

Monday Morning and I am up and happy, One thing I have noticed is, that over the past couple of days my Addictive Voice has become more cunning. It doesn’t tell me “Hey let’s get some pills. It tells me, “This is hopeless, You will never do it, Your so far gone… All real negative stuff.

I realized that those thoughts are just has powerful. And they come out of nowhere and are really draining. When I get those negative thoughts I have been combating them. I understand that Any Thought, Image or Feeling that my mind creates that makes it OK to take a pill is just my addictive voice. And I am enjoying the good life to much to ruin it man.

On the Upside Today marks 30 days without a pill. I understand my AV has no concept of time. But I believe this is an accomplishment worth noting. Only in that I REALLY need to thank everyone here for their support.

Adam, You will never know how much I appreciate this place. Thank you brother. May God continue to bless you.

Peace

73 Adam { 06.22.09 at 10:21 pm }

Joe,

Congratulations on day 30! That is awesome!!

I understand your reasoning for keeping track of time, even though the guys at RR say not to. Like I’ve said before, I take bits and pieces of different ideologies and mold them to what works for me as long as it doesn’t undermine my faith in God. I think that keeping track of time is a great way to celebrate your sobriety. It’s a barometer for success in my opinion, and should be considered sacred. On the same note, after a few relapses, I’ve come to understand that the guilt and shame of losing my sacred “time” has no place in my heart. When I began accepting full responsibility for my relapses, I realized that the length and duration of the relapse itself was shortened. Guilt and shame have a horrible way of prolonging the inevitable step back into recovery, so remember, don’t ever beat yourself up for using, it only makes things worse.

Thanks for the kinds words Joe. You’re always welcome to share your journey here with us, and I know that you’ll be an inspiration to anyone who reads your comments. :)

God bless you too.

74 Joe { 06.23.09 at 2:41 am }

Hey everybody.

Here is to a day without pills. Yeah, I always thought there was a right way and a wrong way to getting and staying clean.

I picked up on this or my AV did while going to meetings and rehabs. That wacked me out 2 ways.

1. I felt like I was doing it wrong somehow, or
2. I felt like I was doing everything right and I still wanted to get loaded.

Either way both of those roads led me back to dope.
I now believe that whatever works for you is THE RIGHT WAY.
Somethings work and help me, and somethings don’t.

Prayer, Sharing my feelings, Exercise and Treating myself and others nice has been working. I will keep doing these.

Peace

Peace

75 Joe { 06.24.09 at 2:16 am }

Hi Folks,

Just wanted to say hello to anyone looking to get off pills. It is so Hot here where I live, WOW. Anyway last night I strained a back muscle, spasms the whole nine yards. It hurt like hell. I put some ice on it prayed and dealt with the pain (wasn’t easy).

Man This getting in shape is tough, but I can’t remember the last time I hurt myself doing something POSITIVE. Here is to anyone suffering pain that you find relief.

Peace

76 Joe { 06.25.09 at 2:24 am }

Morning everyone.

Just wanted to wish everyone a great day. I am going to enjoy the day. Have fun.

Peace

77 Joe { 06.26.09 at 2:08 am }

Hope everyone has a great weekend, I am going be swimming this weekend, staying by some water. Hope any person who stumbles across this place takes a look at the information contained here. It is useful.

Here is to our health.

Peace

78 SweetFreedom { 06.26.09 at 4:57 am }

Hi: I thought I would check-in and give an update on my progress. I have not had any vicodin since last Sunday. I had tapered down to 3/4 of a pill before Sunday. The first few days were really uncomfortable. The worst thing I felt was the body aches. My stomach hasn’t wanted much of anything accept water. I have felt a bit of the restless/panic stuff but the worst of that was over after the first 24 hours. The weirdest thing that has happened is that ever since the first night off off the stuff, I have literally slept like a baby for about 8 hours a night. Wasn’t expecting that at all!

I have told my doctor (supply) that I would have no more prescriptions. I think cutting off the supply is really important. I am very fortunate because I am finally painfree so I don’t have anymore chronic pain to learn how to deal with. My surgeries were a success.

My heart goes out to anyone reading this who wants off the narcotics but is still dealing with the pain. Anyone dealing with chronic pain without narcotics is much stronger than I.

Joe: I can not even explain how much reading your posts has helped me. You are an amazing person.

Admin: Thank you for teaching me about this. I was REALLY scared when I found your site. Knowledge is power but beating something like this is REAL power.

I wish there was more information about this stuff given to people. It seems like I have read more stories that are very similar to mine. Starting out with a painful medical condition and being told by my doctor that if I take it as directed there would be no dependence or addiction. This is so false and is so dangerous! I have a big mouth and don’t care much if people judge me for taking the pain pills. I will tell everyone who will listen about what happened and how it happened to me. I am a fighter…..can you tell?

I am fully aware that there are certain conditions that the ONLY thing they can do is prescribe pain pills. (A friend of mine has RSD and she hurts ALL OF THE TIME.) Until they do more research with nerve disorders, she has very little chance to be cured. Narcotics are so useful but also so dangerous. Someday maybe I’ll wrap my brain around it all.

For now, I am drug free, I know a lot more than I ever thought I would, and I will help anyone that I can.

79 Joe { 06.28.09 at 1:16 am }

Hey Everyone,

Up early this morning and wanted to stop by here and say hello. I am starting to get that the physical detox is pure hell and I wish nobody ever had to feel all that pain but the great thing is it passes, you can get through it.

Phase 2 of this journey getting yourself well mentally and dealing with the depression, (which for me is a feeling of emptiness, worthlessness and fear) is really lingering man.

I know this can also be treated and I have moments be it brief that I feel good.

I pulled a muscle in my back so the last couple of days I haven’t been able to work out and that I think is triggering some boredom and self pity.

I must get positive. I mean I am not dope sick, I’m not dead, I’m not in prison. I am FREE. Why the hell would I be depressed about that.

I guess I just needed to vent for a minute.

Here is to enjoying today, being thankful for the millions of blessings I have and doing some positive things.

Peace

80 Nina { 06.28.09 at 3:30 am }

Hi Joe,

I’ve been having some really low days myself. One thing that really helps me is doing a ritual every morning where I read something positive followed by affrimations that I say to myself while looking in the mirror. It feels kind of weird at first but I’m telling you those things really work. And then of course I pray and ask my higher power to guide me through the day. I try and pay attention to my thoughts throughout the day and catch the negitive ones and turn them around. I’ve learned that I can’t just expect happiness to come to me, I have to work at it and do all the things that make me feel good.

What you’re doing Joe is so incredibly hard and brave. The sad truth is most people never overcome addiction, but you’re doing it a day at a time. That’s a major accomplishment.

These weeks and months ahead of us are going to be tough but I know that we can both do it. The more time that goes by the better we’ll feel mentally and physically.

Stay strong and focus on the beauty around you!

81 Joe { 06.29.09 at 1:53 am }

Good Morning Folks,

Here is to a new week of pill free living.

To those sick I wish you health.

To those thinking about stopping, Your in my Prayers.

To those in the early hours of withdrawl, Hang in there man, you will one day soon stop hurting.

To those who have made it through the physical part here is to mental stability, continued hope and comfort.

Nina, thanks so much for the posts. God, you will never no the comfort I feel just knowing somebody is feeling some of the same stuff I am and has decided a pill won’t fix it.

I’ll give those affirmations a try. I”ll start slow with something like. “Today your honest and clean”. I can not think of a more positive message to give myself.

Have a great week.

Peace

82 Adam { 07.02.09 at 2:37 pm }

SweetFreedom,

That is AWESOME!!!

I’m soooo happy to hear that you’re off the pills. Judging by how much sleep you had the first drug-free night, I’m assuming the tapering worked?

It makes my day to hear success stories, and remember that you can always count on us to listen.

Keep in touch, and you’re definitely a fighter. Look how far you’ve made it…two Achilles surgeries! You have every reason to be taking narcotics, but you’ve chosen not to. That’s a fighter in my book.

83 Joe { 07.03.09 at 1:20 am }

Good Morning Folks,

You know words never really sum up the ordeal, Sweet Freedom, man you are one tough cat.

I am inspired by your stories. In fact your posts got me hooked on this board, I could never thank you enough for stopping by and sharing your medical history and withdrawl process with us.

I am also happy to hear your sleeping. Please keep us posted on your fight.

Peace

84 Nina { 07.06.09 at 9:04 am }

Hey Adam or anyone that has any advice.
I think I’m on day 24 or 25 and I feel pretty good except I still have no energy. I’m getting really frustrated feeling like this every day. I’m exercising, taking vitamins, sleeping well and doing everything right. When the heck will I be back to normal? I’ve been taking vicodin for almost 6 yrs so I guess this is to be expected? I hope I didn’t do any permanent damage. And I’m afraid I’m going to give up and use again so I can feel normal.
Has anyone else ever felt this way for almost a month?

85 Adam { 07.06.09 at 9:14 pm }

Nina,

I remember one occasion were it literally took me about 60 days to get back to 100%. I think that after 6 years of use, it would be safe to say that you’re probably going to be facing the same kind of scenario. I know it’s frustrating, but what helped me was not putting too much pressure on myself. When I would try and power through it, I would get even more frustrated, so instead, I would just accept that I couldn’t operate at full capacity. It was a great excuse to be a little lazy. :)

I slowly built up to having more energy, and eventually I forgot how bad it was. I would give it a little more time, and if you still feel like you’re really low on energy, then you may want to chat with your Doc about it. Also, try taking some l-tyrosine in the morning on an empty stomach. You can find that stuff at any nutrition store like GNC or Vitamin Shoppe.

86 Nina { 07.07.09 at 9:41 am }

Thanks Adam. You’re right, I need to just accept the situation as it is and do my best to feel good without putting pressure on myself. I know it will get better and I’m gratful to be clean today and heading in the right direction.
I think I may check out the RR website. It sounds like an interesting approach to recovery.

Thanks again.

87 Adam { 07.07.09 at 10:20 am }

No problem Nina.

Ya definitely check out that site. Even if it’s not for you, you’ll still gain some perspective into the alternatives. I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I’ll say it again here. I believe in my God, and I try and pray every single day. I’m not perfect, far from it actually, but I’m always trying to move in the right direction. There are times when I feel like God has plucked me out of a dangerous situation, and there are other times when I feel like it’s on me to make the right decision. The one thing that RR did for me was it helped me separate myself from my addictive voice, so I could better make that decision. You can call the addictive voice your “animal brain,” “inner demon,” “satan” or what have you, but whatever you call it, there is a way of shutting it down. You just recognize it for what it is, make the decision to ignore it, then continue your walk with God.

88 Nina { 07.07.09 at 2:09 pm }

What you wrote Adam reminds me of that movie “A beautiful mind” He realized that the medication wasn’t the answer and he held the power within his own mind to cure himself. Although his delusions never completely went away he learned to ignore them.

I stayed clean for 17 yrs and now that I think of it thats what I did. I was lucky cause my demons shut down pretty guickly. I think it was because I put my focus so strongly on positive things like my career, marriage and health and fitness which kept those endorphines going. But most impotantly I developed a relationship with god that I had never known before recovering. I really never thought this could happen to me again. It just goes to show you how powerful this disease is.

89 Joe { 07.08.09 at 1:22 am }

Good Morning Folks,

Great to hear from you Nina, I’ll be praying that you start feeling more energetic.

Great to see people trying to get healthy. I have been moving along at a steady pace here.I know for me Vicodin and all opiates had a different effect on me.

For example I know people who take pain pills and it knocks them out. For me just the opposite occurred. I speed off them, I get energy from them. I never figured out why?

I am at that stage now where I am looking at my diet, when I was using I ate unhealthy all the time. Fast food, sweets, alot of sugar.

I try today to eat a well balanced diet. The hardest part is at work. I live out of the vending machines man. I really need to start bringing a lunch.

I think now that I am clean diet and exercise are my new obsessions. I need to exercise everyday in some way or form. A walk, a swim, bike ride, push ups, sit-ups, sports anything.

Also you know when I was using it was like I was going 120 mph (of course I was not getting anywhere) But my mind was moving you know.

Now that I am clean I’m going 55 man, which of course feels like I’m crawling but it is safe and I notice more. Now rather than going 120 in a 55 and having to worry about a ticket. I look for those times when there is no speed limit and I open it up.

Like when I am exercising, writing, listening to live music or doing something fun with my kids.

But you know I’m not 18 anymore, and I glad I’m not. That quest for staying young and feeling young through medicine just doesn’t work for me

I think I’ll age gracefully. Getting older sure beats not being around to get older.

Yeah healing takes time, So that is what I ask God for everyday. Time, the time to get healthy and enjoy life. Just a few weeks ago I was praying I’d die, now I pray I live. That for me is the Miracle I was looking for. The rest of the stuff is well filler.

Peace

90 Nina { 07.08.09 at 4:00 am }

Good to hear from you too Joe.

A lot of people I know also hate pain pills. They couldn’t imagine taking them to get high. I’m like you they give me so much energy. So maybe my energy isn’t as low as I think, it’s just that I’m used to going 120 mph too. Although in the end I have to admit they stoppoed giving me that energy. I think my body was worn out.

I guess everyones body chemistry is different which is why we all have our “drug of choice” My brother’s like a speed freak after a few beers and alcohol makes me so tired.

Today is rainy and dreary. I can sit around and mop or I can make myself get going, read some positive stuff and do an hour of yoga. As much as I dont want to do that I’m going to cause I know I’ll feel better.

I’m clean, I’m healthy and all is well in my world today.

Hope everyone has a good day!

91 SweetFreedom { 07.11.09 at 4:36 am }

Hi Everyone,

I was just thinking about you all and had to check in. It sounds like everyone is doing good. I guess I consider every day that a person fights the addiction as good.
It has almost been 3 weeks since my last dose. I don’t know if it’s good or not but I don’t think about taking the stuff much anymore. When I do think about it it’s because I forget sometimes when I am packing up for a day trip (or something) that I don’t have to pack any medicine to get me through the day. One thing I am noticing is some memory issues. I use to have a memory like a computer and could recall crazy amounts of information. I guess we’ll see if that comes back. Don’t know if I want it to come back. Hee hee.
Adam: Yes, the taper worked for me. I talked with my chemical dependence nurse and she told me (afterword) that tapers rarely work. I guess I am glad I didn’t know that before I did it. I would have been even more frightened. Everytime I got a prescription, I would sit with my husband and break down the bottle into individual pre-determined daily doses. I put the doses in little baggies which I am sure would have been VERY suspicious if a cop had seen it. Since my husband is a cop, he made me carry the baggie in a prescription bottle just for protection although he said cops are not really interested in the low amounts like that. Too funny!

Nina: I agree with you that everyone’s body reacts to the medication differently. My Achilles tendons felt relief when I took a pill but everywhere else felt terrible. I felt like I had a 9 pound bowling ball in my stomach the whole time. My head felt the same as the feeling you get when you have been crying for a long time.

Joe: I use to be an exercise fanatic. I can not wait until I can get back to some of those activities. I still have to be careful with my legs because they are still healing. I am using a recumbent exercise bike now. It is safe for allowing more healing and not doing more damage and at least I can get some cardio going. I am looking at next Spring before I can start doing anything really fun. A year to 18 months is the healing period my doctor gave me for the Achilles reconstructions I had done. My last surgery was the last day in January (2009). Have fun working out for me!! I love getting worn out from exercise.

I better get going but please know that I am thinking about you guys.

92 Joe { 07.12.09 at 2:28 am }

Good Morning,

Nice to see everything is going well for you Sweet Freedom. I am glad tapering worked for you. Why your chemical dependency nurse would say it rarely works is kinda weird.

I mean it worked for you, isn’t that the important thing.

I guess that’s my deal now. If you do not want to use pills and you get to a point where you are using them even when deep inside you know they are killing you (which is how I felt for years). And you make it from using to not using how ever you cross that bridge is the perfect way for you.

If tapering works great, If cold turkey works great, if locking yourself up works great. I mean we are getting from Point A killing ourselves with pills, to Point B not killing ourselves with pills. How you get there is your choice man.

This last time I went Cold Turkey-it worked. I ate a punch of pills and went to bed. Woke up 23 hours later and said Whatever it takes I will not use.

I then got so sick and pain filled and an mentally anguished I hoped I would die, By the third day when I could actually not take one more minute of the insanity I got out of bed.

I so desperately needed relief I just googled something like dealing with the pain of vicodin withdrawl or something like that.

I clicked on this site and began to read. It made just enough sense that I came here the next day.

I mean if you are at this site and you want to stop killing yourself with pills post something, anything and let us know it seems like a small insignificant thing but it is really isn’t it.

All right, rant over man. I just love not taking pills and I NEVER EVER thought I would say that.

Peace

93 SweetFreedom { 07.12.09 at 5:26 am }

Joe: Wow, after reading your post it made me wonder why that nurse may have said that about tapering to me. She was REALLY trying to push a detox drug called Suboxonne (sp) on me and thanks to the Admin on this site I refused. It may also be as simple as someone else she was tapering with had just had a set back. Who knows?

I agree whole heartedly. Whatever works is great!

P.S. I just love not taking pills too. Hang in there everybody. You are all awesome people!

94 Joe { 07.13.09 at 1:46 am }

Good Morning,

I hope I wasn’t sounding self-righteous on that last post. I am not a Dr or Therapist and have no medical training what so ever. I really just hate to see someone plant a seed of doubt about getting clean in someone’s mind.

I mean that’s all it every took for me to get right pack on the pills. That seed of doubt.

I would hear some factoid like “99% of all users go back” or “your dual-diagnosed” or something. And my addictive voice would run with it.

I realize mental toughness plays such a key role in life. I just hate it when people even when well intended try to weaken your resolve.

All I know for sure is that I love life today, I love the uncertainty, (I know that God is Real which helps) and I love it when anyone makes an attempt to stop using if they feel like pills are killing them.

I have been feeling really optimistic these last few days. Optimism left my consciousness years ago it so refreshing to feel it again. God I missed that feeling so much. That today will be better than yesterday. It is so awesome to fell that way again.

Have a great week folks

95 Adam { 07.15.09 at 12:10 pm }

Joe,

I don’t think you’re being self-righteous at all…you’re speaking the truth. And the truth is that we’re at the mercy of what large pharmaceutical companies believe will make them the most money, hence the promotion of Suboxone over tapering. The drug and alcohol recovery industry is BIG business, and in a country where profit is the number one motivating factor, we’re forced to accept the options that we’re given. My goal with this blog is to educate us ordinary folks, so we know how to make the most of those options.

Everyone has an agenda in this industry; I’ve learned to question what that agenda is.

Go to any AA or NA meeting, and generally you’ll hear from the members that tapering is not possible. Why? We have doctor’s and nurse’s that tell us that tapering is not possible. Isn’t that strange? Why isn’t it possible? The truth is that it is possible for some people. But, “take this little pill that big pharma told me to sell to you, and you’ll be able to taper it just fine (under medical supervision of course).”

Does all of this mean that we can’t at least try to taper on our own? What if tapering works for one person, and not the other? Agenda’s lead to generalization. Everyone has an agenda. The nurse at SweetFreedom’s hospital does, AA and NA do, the pharmaceutical companies do…everyone does. This site even has an agenda…to test generalizations. :)

96 Joe { 07.18.09 at 3:01 am }

Good Morning Folks,

Saturday morning and I am so grateful to be alive man. I just wanted to let the person who stumbles upon this site that if they want to stop killing themselves with pills, Hey I’m here.

I firmly believed quitting opiates was an impossibility for me.

Well, I am thrilled to say I was WRONG. You really can stop taking pills. And more importantly you can ENJOY life without them.

I have been to Hell did not die there and I’m back. You to can return from that place, that place of agony, fear, loneliness, despair, hopelessness and helplessness.

I mean I’m not special, I’m not bright or gifted or rich or poor.

I’m a guy who could not stop taking large amounts of pills every single day of his life and in the process hurt myself and everyone I loved,who one day just decided NO MATTER WHAT happens to me today I will not take dope.

Then I did not take dope a second at a time, a minute at a time, a day at a time.

Now I REALLY do feel better.

Have a great weekend.

Peace

97 Joe { 07.23.09 at 1:22 am }

Hey Folks,

Quiet around this place this week. I hope everyone is doing well.

I am rolling down this road of pill free living and I am still in disbelief that I don’t have to use pills to deal with life.

No matter how down I get, or how slow the process of rebuilding my life seems to go I just flashback to how freaking sick I was and I instantly get a jolt of gratitude.

It’s like I say “you could be dope sick and broke right now”. And bam I am feeling better.

I guess that is the thing I am most grateful for today. Having survived opiate dependency I am given a real tool for survival.

It has given me a true sense of how resilient I am, How much of a will of survival I have. How incredible God is. How much love there really is in the world. That complete strangers on this board took the time to encourage me. WOW!!!

So has i am given the gift of 60 days of being clean today. I can give but one gift in return. These words. If you don’t want to die from taking pills, you don’t have to. I will be here to cheer you on.

Peace

98 Joe { 07.30.09 at 12:53 am }

Good Morning,

I wanted to stop by and say Hello. I know when life starts feeling a little blah, I need to reach out and do some positive stuff.

I noticed that when I first stopped taking pills and got through the horrible withdrawl, I was then hit by a few weeks of severe depression. (Low energy, fear, guilt and remorse, anxiety and irritability) PAWS.

Has time passes these bouts of depression roll in like a Texas(where I live) thunderstorm. I have been using exercise, prayer and sharing my feelings to combat it.

So today I feel a little burnt out, a bit down and a touch of the good old self pity.

I know these feelings are real, however, more importantly I know that they will pass and that they are not indicative of the progress I am making.

Just need to remind myself ‘I want the GOOD Life” and the road I am on leads straight there.

Thanks

99 Steve B. { 07.30.09 at 1:26 pm }

Hey guys and gals, I just wanted to say that I just got over my withdrawals from Vics. Dorvacet really, really helped me out. I used it in replace of the vicodin but used a much smaller dose and tapered down. Didn’t give a euphoric high but it took away the symptoms I was having.

100 Joe { 08.04.09 at 1:57 am }

Hey Steve,

Awesome and glad to hear from another withdrawl survivor. Welcome, and enjoy the ride.

Peace

101 Joe { 08.10.09 at 1:59 am }

Hey Now Folks,

Just starting my day with a stroll around cyberspace and I thought I’d update you’all.

Having fun with life. Really. I mean most of the time I’m working. Kinda like the clean up crews to in Galveston post IKE alot of wreckage to clean up.

But like Nietzsche says. “If there is a WHY, one can bear any HOW one must.”

My Why is.. Because I never want to be dope sick again, not for one second.

And The Good News I’m told is that I never have to be.

As far as physically–feel great I am obsessed somewhat with getting fit, but I’ll take a healthy obsession.
I have started to get some muscular form back and I find myself checking my arms and chest out, and then busting another 20 push-ups out.. Kinda of Vain huh.

It is however a far cry from being unable to get out of Bed.

Mentally–I feel really scatter brained and my immediate short term memory is gone. I will be like, did I lock the door, did I punch out at work, did I feed the dogs. I mean like 1 minute after I do these things I can not recall if I did.

I haven’t had any major rages, or deep funks lately. But I get this feeling they are right over the horizon, like I’m waiting for the show to drop.

Spiritually – I am trying. I pray all the time, deep morning prayer and prayer throughout the day. I am dependent on it. I make no bones about it. prayer is keeping me alive.

Just a thanks as always for the chance to share.

Have a great week.

Peace

102 Joe { 08.17.09 at 1:56 am }

Good Morning Everyone.

I never start off a week without coming by this place and wishing everyone the best.

My thought for today.. Enjoy the pill free life. And all it’s wonder.

Hey if your thinking about stopping pills, or have stopped. Congrats. It’s a amazing thing. This drug free living is.

Thank you God for sparing my life from death by drugs.

Have a great week.

103 Adam { 08.18.09 at 10:31 pm }

Steve,

Congrats on getting past the withdrawals. That’s always a huge step.

104 Adam { 08.18.09 at 10:34 pm }

Joe,

Thanks for checking back here on a regular basis. I know it’s been pretty quite. I’ve been in the process of helping my folks save their home. They’re in the process of foreclosure, so I’ve been working to get them into a better loan…tough work.

You’re a real inspiration to myself and those that read this blog, so please do continue. :)

105 Joe { 08.19.09 at 1:52 am }

Hey Adam,

Best Wishes with the house. And Thank you for keeping this place active. You are in my prayers.

Joe

106 Charlene { 08.21.09 at 3:05 pm }

Joe,
you are my hero!
Char

107 Joe { 08.23.09 at 2:01 am }

Good Morning everyone.

I am up early today. I thought I’d check in here. My favorite place on the web.

I slept last night without taking a drink or drug. I slept well.

I did not use yesterday, at all. Nothing. Not a pill, joint. beer, drink, bag of dope, benzo nothing.

I was not sick

I did not steal anything so I could get pills.

I did not miss out on something because I was loaded.

I worked out.

I noticed how blue the sky is.

I noticed how beautiful my daughters are.

I worked around the house.

I cut the grass. I noticed the smell. I love it.

I walked my dog

I ate

I prayed

I enjoyed my day.

I felt love

While these things may seem minor. They are upon reflection, my dreams come true.

See not long ago I needed pills to get up, to stay up and to finally go to sleep. I honestly believed I was in active addiction until death.

Then the pain got so great, the issues so dreadful. I faced one simple choice. Life or Death. Use or Stop.

I choose Life and today as I mark 90 days without a pill. With a tear in my eye. I say thanks ADAM, and everyone who posted here. You saved my life.

I know 2 little girls here in East Texas, sleeping peacefully in their beds who are glad to have Daddy back.

So on behalf of them. Thanks.

Please if your here and you want to stop. Let us know.

love

108 Joe { 08.30.09 at 1:58 am }

Hey Folks,

Just wanted to stop by, read some posts and see what’s up.

I hope all is well with everyone.

Life is worth living. really it is.

Peace

109 Joe { 08.31.09 at 2:26 am }

Monday Morning,

What a great summer, I have experienced so much this summer. I stopped taking pills, went through withdrawl, found this place, learned about addiction and more importantly about living dope free.

I began to exercise, to pray, to laugh and to love. I struggled with selfishness, I felt really lonely, I felt stuck, I felt hopeless, I felt joy and I felt pain.

I heard great music, I saw great movies. I saw great sunrises and awesome sunsets. I met new folks, started a new job, made some amends, did not get arrested, did not go to jail, did not willingly or knowingly hurt another.

I wrote some stuff, I shared from my heart. I felt really scared, and I messed up some times. I got angry and I felt lost.

Yeah I’ve been all over the place and I never left Texas.

Life is amazing. There are only 2 things I have done every day without fail and those 2 things have made all the difference in the world.

1. I did not use a drug of any kind.
2. I prayed everyday.

I pray I can keep doing those 2 things everyday, can’t think of a reason why I can’t.

Oh and Charlene, thanks so much for the comment, I’ve been called many things in my life. But Hero, that is a first.

Here is to a fall full of first.

Please, if you want to stop dying and start living, let us know,

have a great week.

110 Joe { 09.06.09 at 1:48 am }

Sunday Morning here and I wanted to share where I am at. The load is getting kinda heavy.

I am really enjoying being clean, I can not state that enough.

Lately though I have felt “worthless” and out of touch.

For example, yesterday I went to a cookout at my nephews house, lot of people, food and booze.

I stayed about 30 minutes ate and split.

I really enjoy my in-laws cool folks, but yesterday i was like this sucks.

Another thing, since I quit using I left my old job (sales where we all ate pills).

I took a manual labor gig at a big food plant here in town.

I took it so I could have less stress and get back in shape. I knew the money was less. Of course if I make 500 less every 2 weeks and am clean I actually make a lot more. So I know this was both positive and temporary.

Oh and I hate sales, I was just good at it.

Also the repercussions from my using days are sinking in.

I am on probation(DWI, Possession, Hit and Run) which occurred in January. My first DWI charge, and my last.

This event while shocking was not the end of my using. That occurred in May, when high again i wrecked my car and was charged with driving on a suspended license. I hit a pole in front of my house, I see that pole everyday and think, you saved my life, I can’t figure out for the life of me how I hit it, It was like something drove me right into it.

If I make it up the drive way, who knows. However, I did not make it, I then walked up the driveway, ate the last of my pills passed out, woke up and have not taken a pill or drug of any kind since May 23rd.

Another fine to pay and 6 more months of probation. Oh well gotta deal with it.

Up unit now I was like I did the crime, I got to do the time. A mentality I’ve learned.

And while I can do it, work the manual labor gig, abide by the rules of probation, pay my fines, not drive and do my community service it makes me feel like such a loser.

I know this is a spot where my addict brain can get me.

Like my friends who have done some serious pen time tell me. Hey the system gave you a positive, why you making it negative?

I have paid off 2 of the 4 fines at 100.00 bucks a week. but it feels like I will never get out from under.

I just wanted to reveal that part of me. I had not talked about it at all and I thought I’d take a risk this morning.

I pray folks here understand how beaten down this recovery can make you feel some times.

For today, I will not get high no matter what, I will pray and I will do something for somebody besides me.

That’s how I deal with life now, Oh yeah and exercise.

Anyway I hate to carry the mess, if you will. just I am on a path toward freedom and i sure as hell do not want to get off.

And I did not stop using pills to be miserable so i took a risk and dumped this stuff here. I really want to enjoy these next 2 days no work, paid holiday Monday and i did not want to carry this baggage around with me.

So thanks.

111 Adam { 09.09.09 at 10:16 pm }

Joe,

Thanks for sharing that with us. I know it’s probably hard to reveal that kind of info, but it also feels good to do so on occasion.

Have you been exercising? Maybe you can try doing some pretty hardcore workouts. It could be a low-level on endorphins that’s making things hard on you. Maybe go to a shooting range, or even some skydiving, now that’ll jack you up.

Also about the cookout, I used to feel out of place at social gatherings. I sometimes hated them, and just wanted to get out of there. But, I noticed that when I forced myself to interact, and make the most of it, that it would actually help me forget about the drugs. We need to force ourselves out of that funk. It’s hard as hell, but when we make it to the other side, it’s amazing.

It’s funny, during those hard times it’s almost like we go insane for a bit, then when we get back to that “happy” state, we thank God that we didn’t give in and just use.

I’d suggest that you get yourself around some really cool people, force yourself to have fun with ‘em, and if you can, try and push yourself to the limit with the exercise. I guarantee you that if you seriously put in some extra effort, that it’ll pay off in some much needed endorphins. Try and think of those internal endorphins as the same as the pills. But now you have to work for ‘em. I swear to you, they do the same thing.

Just to show how well our own endorphins work. I long while back, I had relapsed and started popping pills again. It was horrible, but I was determined to quit. I hadn’t worked out in a long time, so I figured I would start pushing myself physically to release some of those bad boys, so I wouldn’t feel like I needed the dope. After a few weeks, I felt so damn good that I didn’t even want the pills. I’m telling you man, those endorphins feel the same way, even better, cuz you don’t come down from them.

Look up ways that you can get them flowing. Acupuncture, exercise, having a great time with other people, go out in nature, pray, meditate, etc… For some reason we need that stuff, but as soon as we get lazy, we go back to the quick fix.

112 Joe { 09.12.09 at 1:36 am }

Hey Adam,

Thanks for the reply. Hope all is well with you.

I have been exercising 4 days a week on strength and 3 days a week on cardio, I haven’t increased my workout, I will start that today.

Yeah, I guess that’s kinda what’s going on with me right now. I hit these patches, they are kinda hard to describe.

I have a nephew who has diabetes and he has these spells when his sugar is low . He says “I’m feeling low man” and he will check his sugar levels and then do what’s needed to get back on track.

I don’t have diabetes, but I hear you on the endorphins, I wish they had an endorphin meter, where I could check my endorphin levels and the do what I needed to.

It feels kind alike self-pity, but I know I’m grateful.

Plan for this week, Focus on the body-bigger, longer, harder workouts. and Try something new-not sure what yet. Maybe I’ll goggle fun risk taking activities

With Love,
Joe.

113 Joe { 09.20.09 at 3:18 am }

Good Morning Folks,

Just a quick message of Hope for the person who is dope sick today. It gets BETTER. I never believed that either. My situation was to dire, I was to far gone, the hole was to deep, the pain to great.

I have no idea How but if you JUST don’t use, it gets BETTER.

The MESSAGE IS HOPE.

I Love being clean. With all it’s ups and downs. Thank you God for another day.

114 SweetFreedom { 09.20.09 at 5:50 am }

Hi Joe,

I am still popping in to check on you. Love reading your posts. You are so strong and you are still helping me a lot.

I can’t believe how strong the urge to get another prescription of vics is after 3 and 1/2 months. Some days are better than others. Some days I still get the aches. My legs hurt still too. I am pretty much pain free if I don’t do anything really fun. I found my activity limits and I don’t like them. Sometimes I just wish for a few days without worrying about pain. I think it is my brain trying to trick me.

I still can’t exercise a lot because my Achilles’ won’t let me. Right now I am restricted to non-weight bearing cardio which for me means an exercise bike. I won’t swim because I can’t stay warm enough and I haven’t met a pool that was warm enough yet.

Every time I want to call the doc to get a prescription, I tell my husband. Just having someone else know seems to help. He is a crime scene investigator and he always tells me about the pain killer overdose deaths he has to investigate. THERE ARE A LOT OF THEM!! Most of the time the families rush in as he is working and it is horrible.

Stay strong! From what I am reading, a year from now should be easier.

Sweet Freedom

115 Joe { 09.21.09 at 1:32 am }

Wow,

So great to hear from you Sweet Freedom, you made my day, really. I’m so glad you stopped by.

I pray your physical recovery improves everyday, I’m sure it will.

Most days the thought of using is very unattractive to me, I can recall the horror and well it just doesn’t seem worth it.

But I hit these patches of emptiness, I don’t know how else to describe it. Usually they will hit when I’m not doing anything, maybe sitting watching TV. It’s so deep and painful at those moments I look for anything outside myself to fill it.

These are the moments that scare me. they leave me vulnerable.

I will not use, but what do I do? That’s the question. I pray. Or exercise or clean the house, cut the grass or come here.

It gets me angry sometimes that I just can’t relax and enjoy life.

I pray today that any emptiness or loneliness or imagined fear that I have be replaced with Hope and Love.

I’m not looking for perfection in life, just contentment. With the occasional racing heart passion filled moment. Small joys and endless wonders. Learning and teaching, All my emotions not just pleasure. Please bear with me as I stumble on this path to wholeness.

I guess I’m learning how to live, and any help I can get I’ll take.

Thanks for being here Sweet Freedom, and for being clean.

May God Bless you today and always.

116 Joe { 09.27.09 at 2:42 am }

Morning Everyone,

I am alive, clean and walking down the path of a brand new life. Stopping pills was the single greatest change I have ever made.

The process is challenging and there are moments where I am lost, overwhelmed, angry, guilty, sore, tired, lonely. However, there are times I feel so ALIVE, so in touch, so at peace, so grateful,, so hopeful it is beyond description

I guess to sum it up at this point.

I used to have two moods

High (where I did feel)

Not High (where all I could think about was getting high)

Now I have every feeling imaginable, I have choices, sometimes I make the right choice, sometimes the wrong choice, sometimes I just tune it all out.

God I love choices, when I was on the pills I had no choice, I thank god for freeing me.

If you wanna stop remember this, You can. Just relax and take it minute by minute. Life is worth living.

Have fun folks..

117 Joe { 10.04.09 at 2:29 am }

Morning Folks,

A new month is here. I’m clean still, which is just so amazing. I mean to think I have not had dope of any kind or booze since May 23rd is a Miracle. I guess that is the best part of quitting dope. You get to participate in a miracle. Not hear about one, read about one, you become one.

I know that as long as I realize that dope is not the answer, I have a shot at some type of life, a life that is actually worth living.

Slowly that feeling of dread is leaving me. The moments of peace and joy are getting longer. While the moments of despair are lessening.

It really is a process, restoring one’s life after a long run on dope and the challenges are many.

The joy is in meeting those challenges and NOT USING. Finding some alternative to using is my daily task. The possibilities are endless.

One truth I am discovering at this stage is the less I think about me and the more I think about others, the better I feel.

I guess it really is better to give than receive. I have a relationship with Jesus Christ today, I talk to him daily and I actually see Christ at work in my life. He has met me at every point of need I have encountered.

While I always thank you folks, I thought today I would publicly Thank Christ for saving me.

I used to be afraid to proclaim that fact, It always sounded hypocritical coming out of my mouth. Well, I am no longer embarrassed or ashamed to admit I am completely dependent of God to make it through the day.

While I guess I always believed in Jesus I felt strongly that I was to bad a guy for him, and he would work just fine for you but as for me, nope I didn’t deserve him, I was guilty and that was that.

Turns out He loves a guilty man, a sick man, a hopeless man.

If your scared, unable to break free from the hell your in, take a small step. Ask for him by name, he is waiting to come on in. Right now he is knocking on the door, you wanna get it…

Love,
Joe

118 SweetFreedom { 10.07.09 at 4:23 am }

Hey Joe,

Great post. Check Philippians 4:13. I have it in a frame on my kitchen wall and it has helped me a lot.

I also found this poem not long ago. I do not know who the author is but I read it when things get tough.

How shall I a habit break,
As you did that habit make.
As you gathered, you must lose;
As you yielded, now refuse.
Thread by thread, the strands we twist,
Till they bind us neck and wrist.
Thread by thread, the patient hand,
Must untwine ere free we stand.

I am not (or should I say “was not”) a patient person. Jesus has taught me patience in so many ways. In fact that has been a main theme of instruction in my life lately. When I lose my strength to be patient he is ALWAYS there to back me up.

It is hard to be bold for Christ on these forums. Attacks usually follow.

My life would be nothing without Him. I am excited to read that you have that same Love.

Your sister in Christ,
Sweet Freedom

119 Adam { 10.07.09 at 10:04 pm }

SweetFreedom,

Good to hear from you. Don’t ever be afraid to post what you feel, or what you believe in. I control the delete button, and trust me…I delete flamers. :)

120 Joe { 10.08.09 at 2:25 am }

Super Post Sweet Freedom. I’m so glad your still with us.

And Adam has mentioned spiritual beliefs on the board to me before, which made me comfortable to post. It is easy to stir the pot so to speak, when speaking of ones spiritual experiences. Never my purpose and I tread carefully and pray before I speak.

I just post from the heart good or bad. It keeps me clean

Moving beyond addiction is a lonely road at times, I need others like you and everyone here to lean on. Weather we share the same experiences or not, I read the posts, realizing I can learn from each and everyone of them.

Sweet Freedom, your posts always open some part of me, they provide courage when I need it, inspiration when I need it. And always a smile, that laughter one gets when they hear the truth.

Yeah, I no longer debate the existence pf Christ. Not my spiritual role. I just proclaim softly the Good News, I’ll leave it to the readers or listeners to do with it what they will.

I just know my truth, and what works for me. I hope my spiritual journey takes me places I can not even imagine.

This new journey was the destination after all. And I paid one hell of a price finding my way here.

With using I know exactly what to expect. Jail, Institutions, Degradation and Death in some order.

Being Clean, No Idea what the future holds, With one pivotal exception It Includes Living, Being Alive.

Here is To Life where ever it leads us.

Love,
Joe

121 Steve B. { 10.09.09 at 3:50 pm }

Hey Everybody! It’s me Steve again. Hope your all doing well. I just want to share a product with you all that has helped me tremendously with the post-acute withdrawal phase (PAWS) of my detox. It’s called Neuro1 from Nutrition53. It’s an all natural formula that consists of ingredients to help restore and balance the neurotransmitters in your brain that become depleted and out of wack due to the exogenous opiods we put into our bodys. I knew the depression I am feeling was part of the PAWS I read about. I tried this product and wow, I actually felt an energetic, focused natural euphoria (if there is such a thing) that I haven’t felt in the two years I was doing vicodin and lortabs.

It is really helping me and I think it would help those of you who are in the PAWS phase like me.

PS- I also have been taking melatonin and ZMA as a cocktail night cap before I go to sleep and that has definitely helped me out with my (lack of) sleep.

Cya!

Steve.

122 Joe { 10.10.09 at 12:57 am }

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the tip.

I have taken nothing since i stopped pills. Not Tylenol, Advil, herbs, remedies etc..

I have this fear that, not feeling great, taking a pill, feeling better. Will somehow unleash my addictive brain.

I know I need to get over it, I can only eat so many Bananas

Plus I am depleted I’m sure of some vital vitamins etc. I haven’t gone to the Dr for my annual check-up either. Fear of the Dr’s office, where I spent alot of time drug seeking.

Gotta work on that.

Peace.

123 SweetFreedom { 10.10.09 at 3:59 am }

Joe,

I know what you mean about being in the doctor’s office. I had to go there the other day to get some medicine for my son’s lungs. We saw the ususal GP and I found myself getting angry sitting there looking at him. He fought us on giving my son some prednisone but I know if we had asked for some kind of narcotic he would of scribbled out that prescription faster than we could ask for it. I over heard him prescribing to someone else the same drug cocktail he use to give to me. It was quite the eye opening experience. I wanted to say something to the other person but I bit my tongue. Should I have said something? Meanwhile, my mom went to this same doctor yesterday because she has some kind of flu. Guess what he gave her? A cough medicine with codiene in it. Seriously?!?!!

One thing I have done to try and help my body heal naturally is green smoothies. I know they sound gross and you have to have a really strong blender but they have helped me a lot. You can google green smoothies and get all kinds of information on them. For me, some of the sites go overboard in how they think you should eat but I have found the green smoothies very helpful in clearing out my body.

Thinking about and praying for you all.

Sweet Freedom

124 Joe { 10.11.09 at 1:31 am }

Good Morning Folks,

Nice to hear from you Sweet Freedom. Yeah, the flu has been running through my house the last few weeks. It is all over the schools, work etc.

I guess one benefit of surviving Opiate WD is that catching a cold or flu seems like a cake walk, I went to work for three days a couple of weeks ago with a touch of it.

I can relate to the anger felt towards Dr.s treating folks with Narcotics, I guess it’s part of my grieving process.

Kinda like seeing people who are very happy in their relationship out in a restaurant right after you’ve been dumped and your heartbroken. I would think, ” they can’t be that happy”, or “it won’t last”

I figure everyone who drinks Cough Syrup is “Lucky”, of course the truth is 98% of the people that get the stuff take the recommended prescribed dose, hate it and move on.

I am somewhat jaded by life but I am trying to look at things positively. It is getting so much better, this is where I can actually begin to see growth. It’s just so AWESOME to lose some of that negative outlook and to have HOPE again.

Yesterday for example 2 Jehovah Witnesses knocked on my door. I said Hello. And the guy says, “Sir, Can we talk to you for a minute, you know in these hard times it is important”……..

I replied, “That’s not my take on it.” He wasn’t sure how to respond. See today I don’t think where in bad times, or evil times, . Just the opposite is true for me.

I think these are the Best of times, that the News is good, That man is headed in the right direction. That Joy abounds. That the Holy spirit moves and changes.

I mean hard times and sitting in my house watching college football on a 51 inch HD TV, while my kids with there stomachs full of healthy food play and create and enjoy and thrive just doesn’t equal “hard times” for me.

I mean, I really have a hard time today looking at things negatively, with one exception, one big exception. I still have moments of self loathing, self hatred, regret, remorse all negative thoughts. I try not to linger n them, they lead me nowhere. Today if I feel them come on I quickly do something to get out of that space.

Anyway, before I ramble anymore, Have a great day. Sweet Freedom you are in my thoughts and prayers. I’ll be thinking of you as I try my first “Green Smoothie” I’d prefer a Milkshake from Dairy Queen, but hey I’ll try it.

Joe

125 SweetFreedom { 10.14.09 at 4:55 am }

Joe,

That is how I started with the smoothies as well. I would have much rather had a Dairy Queen or Baskin Robbins. Make sure you try it it regularly for about 3 weeks. You will be shocked at what happens. (I was) I eventually started craving the green smoothies and the Dairy Queen type stuff started tasting bad. The healthier eating started snowballing and I found other ways to get good nutrition in my body. Occasionally when I go on vacation and go off of the healthy stuff I literally feel sick! For me the green smoothies are my multivitamin only I know they work better than a vitamin because they are God’s perfect nutrient balance. My head feels clear and my thinking is strong after I have had one. If you decide you like them, I do suggest getting a Vita-Mix blender.They are so strong I think they could liquify a block of wood. I use my Vita-Mix more than I use my microwave or oven.

Let me know what you think! If you are like my hubby, you will be skeptical for the first week or so. Then you will get hooked too.

Sweet Freedom

126 Joe { 10.17.09 at 2:39 am }

Hey Everyone,

Checking In this Saturday morning, wishing everyone the best.

Just a reminder that now matter how dark the situation seems, no matter how long you having been using pills, no matter how impossible quitting seems. It can be done, You do not have to die from some drug related scenario.

That is some remarkable news

I never would have believed it, if I had not gone through the process myself.

The process so far for me has gone something like this.

1. begin taking pills (vicodin) hey I like the way these make me feel.

2. take more pills

3. take different pills

4. start having some personal problems. (finical, emotional)

5. take even more pills

6. begin to be sick without pills

7. have difficulty keeping enough pills

8. start lying, stealing, fronting to get pills

9. legal problems

10. begin to become desperate for pills, need pills to live.

11. get near death

12. stop taking pills

13. get very sick

14 start to feel better

15. learn about pill addiction, and myself

16 get depressed

17. start exercising

18. start working

19. start taking care of the wreckage

20 have moments of doubt, want to give up

21 start praying

22 every once in a while feel so freaking good that you keep chasing the natural high of being clean through all the junk life throws you

and that’s where I am this morning, having found out that if I do not use I will get moments like this, early in the morning as dawn breaks and it’s quiet and I feel so alive so much love so much hope I could burst. oh thank God for the life he has given me.

Peace be with you
Joe

127 Steve B. { 10.26.09 at 7:52 am }

I just wanted to say hi to everyone since it’s been a few days with no posts. We start a whole new week, it’s Monday! I’m going to try and make the most of it like I hope the rest of you do as well.

Until later,
Steve.

128 Joe { 10.27.09 at 1:19 am }

Good Morning Folks,

Nice to see you Steve.

I too will chime in for a moment. Raining alot here it Texas.

I’ll let folks know where I am at today. My new focus is learning how to live in the NOW. As in right now. I try to focus all my energy on the present moment, I am moving past the total obsession with my past. And my awful dread of the future.

This is something I really never even worked on. So for now I am in the moment for short periods of time. Like 1-5 minutes, then a thought about something that I need to do, or some past issue creeps in.

I am actively trying to chase those thoughts.

Any tips on staying in the moment? It’s how I wish to live the rest of my life.

Living Pill Free and coping with life. Hope evryone has a great day.

Joe

129 Steve B. { 10.27.09 at 12:56 pm }

Joe, I agree with you in trying to live in the ‘now’ and not the past. These past few months sober I have been focusing more on things that I use to like to do such as exercising. I try and get some sort of exercise in each day, most days I try to do a high volume and intense workout. After 15-20 mins into the workout I feel incredible. I haven’t had a feeling like that in the last 2 years. I

I’ve also been listening to a lot more music (current music) and it seems to be much more enjoyable and it gets me very ‘amped’ up. I haven’t felt that in a long time either.

I’ve been focusing much more time on my better half. We are boyfriend/girlfriend but I am now thinking about asking her to marry me. I’ve haven’t thought about marriage since I began my love affair with lortabs. Just the idea of having a fiance and feel “grown up” (She’s 28, I’m 25) is a euphoric feeling. I know some people will disagree lol, but I feel like I have been absent from the world since late 2007 and now everything seems so bright and sunny with beautiful music playing all the time in the backround. I know it sounds a little corny but I don’t care, it’s a GREAT feeling!

I am also noticing little things that REALLY motivate me to continue to do better. Last night I looked in the mirror and noticed I packed on a little muscle and it seems I lost a little bodyfat from all the exercise I have been doing lately to make me feel better. I’ll take that! I noticed I actually have a significant amount of money in my bank account. Before while on the pills I lived paycheck to paycheck (even though I have a very well paying job) because 80% of each check went to my dealer. I was spending at least $2,000 a month on those things. What a waste. Not anymore.

I have to admit that having my health, energy, motivation and feelings back is great, but it doesn’t hurt to have more income to utilize on different things. Just knowing you’ll have A LOT more money to use is reason enough to get clean.

Joe, I’m like you in that I get really depressed sometimes but then I look back when i was taking vics everyday and I ask myself, was I really better off taking them? Was I ‘happier’? NO! I was lethargic and depressed until I took them and then when I did, it only made me feel better for 30 mins or so and it would wear off and leave me feeling more alone and depressed (not to mention broke). When I look back I actually get motivated which leads me to look towards the future and more importantly, live my life NOW.

The depression comes in waves but get smaller and smaller over time. It’s normal. But when it does come just think about all the things I said and then do it! If you do something you like whenever you feel depressed, pretty soon it will completely go away.

Hope my little experiances will help motivate you all, even if only for a short while. One day at a time.

Steve.

130 Kim { 10.28.09 at 10:41 am }

Hello to all! I wanted to share my story and hope that it can help someone out there. I began taking vicodin about 11 months ago. I had taken it before in the past after having children and liked how it made me feel. I went to the doc and asked for them for really bad cramps. I then began taking like 5 a day then it got to the point I would run out before I could refill them. I then began buying them elsewhere spending endless dollars that i really didnt have to spare. I have 3 children and I am a single mother. These pills would make me feel like a superwomen and get through the day. 10 days ago I was with my kids and reached in my purse to grab a pill and I realized then that this was taking over my life. It was more important than anything else and feeling that way was aweful. I put them down..I went through several days of pure hell. I had to go to the doctor on day 2 and get iv fluids I was so dehydrated. He prescribed me ativan and phenigan for nausea. I took Tylenol Pm and Tylenol 8hr which has helped alot. After about day 5 I still did not feel normal but good enough to get out and do normal activities. I am on day 10 as I said before and its still a struggle but not near as bad. It gets better everyday. I have suffered a little depression…crying alot for no reason…but I think in time it will get better as well. All I can say is if you have a problem with these pills or anyone u know, please get them help or help yourself. Quitting cold turkey was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, but I kept praying and telling myself there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I do not ever care to pop another Vicodin as long as I live. I have had no temptation…I just keep my mind set that my kids deserve a better mom, I hope my lil story can help you. Its a monster that can take over everything u have and its not worth it! Good luck to all…if I can do it ..anyone can!!

131 Joe { 10.29.09 at 1:37 am }

Hey Steve,

Thanks. I really need inspiration and I find that I most often get it from someone who is DOING stuff once they put the pills down.

Exercise is so critical. I can’t imagine having made it through these last 5 months without being physically active all day. The hard part for me now is relaxing, just chilling.

Music-Love it, it really cures alot of my depression and is critical to my enjoyment in life.

As is reading and Writing.

Hey Kim,

Welcome aboard, I REALLY needed to read your post this morning. It is the gusto of a person with the desire to get off pills that I find so moving, so inspirational.

It sounds like you got a full plate, I hope you find the time to post here, It is so refreshing to meet a new person, a kindred spirit if you will, who is living without the dope.

The hell of detox is no joke, so glad you made it.

Have a good one,
Joe

132 Penny { 10.30.09 at 6:21 am }

Hi everyone,
I quit taking Vicodin a week ago and am in the process of going through the body aches, chills, lack of energy and depression. What seems to be the hardest part for me is talking to others about it. My boyfriend also takes vicodin on occasion when he needs it. So he gets a script like once every other month for 20 or so and uses them all within 3-4 days. I was taking 2 to 4 a day for over a year, and I literally could see my future usage increasing. It got to be a math thing for me, I would figure out what I thought was “safe” and then adjust the dosage to fit that. For instance, if I was at work I could take only 2, but on weekends I could take more cuz no one would be apt to notice how blitzed I looked. Well once I realized that the pills were doing nothing for me except make my skin itchy and give me rebound headaches I decided to come clean.. I told my Dr I had a problem with them,, I told my coworkers that I was gong to stop taking all pain meds, and I told a few close friends and my daughter. Well most of the people seemed to think that since I coud function while on the drug that I didnt really have an addiction problem. So the support isnt there.
It was then I realized that I had to fight this battle alone. Just because your a functioning addict doesnt mean you arent an addict. I know myself and I was living for those dang pills!
Sorry I sound angry but why is it in our society that people think you have to be a derelict in the gutter before help or understanding is offered? Are there that many other people who are functioning with problems like mine but are in denial so they wont acknowledge someone elses admission to addiction?
Has anyone else felt this way?
I am not going back to the vicodin, I have no interest and I want to improve myself. I started walking a little now that the body aches are at least tolerable..I also started taking the L-tyrosine that was mentioned on this site along with other vitamins and minerals and clonodine once a day. Sleepign is tough, but I take allergy meds that make me sleepy so that helps a little. I also started drinking smoothies in the morning to give me more energy and make me feel healthier.
Thank you for this website, and for those going through this awful process,,, Good for you! We can do it !

133 Steve B. { 10.30.09 at 9:03 am }

Hi Penny. Congrats on getting your life back and re-joining the real (and beautiful) world! Your already a week into your withdrawal, so I believe you’ve pretty much accomplished the hard part (at least for me the first 5 days were the worst).

I also started at a low dose and only used them on the weekends or on a night I didn’t have to work the next day. I would only take 2-3 at a time too. Well after 2 years I was taking them everyday, 4-5 times a day 12-13 at a time. I didn’t think about anything except for getting more and more. I was scared to death to run out. And at $3 a pill, my 60 a day pill habbit was depleting my credit cards fast.

When I stopped it was absolute hell. I took Clonidine too and it was a lifesaver, but it didn’t take away all the pain. It also made me VERY sedated at work, not a good thing. I hate to say it but smoking marijuana was a huge help, not just for the physical effects but also because it lifted my depression significantly. When I smoked during withdrawal I actually caught myself laughing once in a while.

Great job on the L-Tyrosine! I started taking that a little while ago along with 5-HTP and a few other supps. I highly recommend you pick up some 5-HTP as well to be taken with your l-tyrosine. I’ve heard that taking the tyrosine without balanced intake of a serotonin precursor would deplete your serotonin and give you insomina.

Well best of luck Penny and to all on this board.

Steve.

134 Joe { 11.01.09 at 3:54 am }

Good Morning Gang,

Welcome aboard Penny, The path out of addiction is only a lonely one if we choose it to be. So I have discovered.

My addicted mind loves to bark up the wrong tree, or have me believe no one knows the absolute desperation I’m in.

Thanks so much for sharing with us.

I was told withdrawl distorts rational thought. And that was true in my case. Big moments of Insanity. The key I found is Not using vicodin as the coping skill.

I tried a whole lot of things before I found MY solution.

I do know the train ride to addictive hell has stops along the way, where we can get off, seems your at one.

Here is to getting off the train, and hanging around awhile.

Please keep on posting, I know the thoughts and fears and desires of addiction that run through my mind are validated when I meet a brother or sister walking the same path.

We are not alone, really.

Peace

135 Penny { 11.01.09 at 5:15 am }

Thank you so much for the support, Steve and Joe. I am so glad I found this site. I wish I could reach through the web and hug you both, and everyone else who is going through this hell.
You are right,, the Vicodin did distort the way I felt. Now without it (day 10!) I am seeing things in a new, unfiltered way. I am trying to get beyond the anger part of this,, ,I didn’t expect that part. I get mad that people don’t understand what hell this is,, and I get mad that others are able to use vicodin and other painkillers with no addiction problem and I can’t do that! I’m sure non drinking alcoholics have these same feelings when they are sipping soda while their friends are drinking beers .
I started taking vicodin for my headaches/migraines. Now that I have stopped I have had a migraine every morning for 5 days. I have Maxalt for that but cant take it every day,and my doctor doesnt want me to use anything else a this point, even OTC stuff aside from the valium, clonidine and low dose of zoloft that I am on. I read that L-Tyrosine might cause headaches in some so I didnt take it this morning. Any other advice for the headaches? I also take magnesium,vitamin B and D. \
I am so scared that now I will have headache everyday, and find no relief.

136 Joe { 11.02.09 at 2:26 am }

Wow Penny,

So glad you made another day. No small feat.

I don’t suffer from migraines. But physical pain and learning to live with it is a serious issue. I’m glad you have a Dr. to help you with them.

I can relate to the anger and personally in my life I have experienced this path with anger.

Express it and stay clean. Deny it and use.

I mean I can only be angry for so long while I go around telling folks “I’m not angry” . And than screaming at the dog.

i heard once that most anger can be rooted back to this thought.

Our mind tells us we are worth this much. But society
( family, friends) has placed our worth at this much.

In my case they had placed a far lesser value on me than I THOUGHT i deserved.

Of course I was a self obsessed raging lunatic with an over inflated sense of self worth.

Once I began to feel better after I quit using and started looking for new coping skills. Things began to change.

The first thing I did was start some mild physical activity. You can read about it above. But I think around Day 5 I cut the grass. And Day 7 I started walking. Small steps that I could do, I didn’t set out to be Lance Armstrong in a week and fail.

I walked for 10 minutes, I did 1 push-up etc.

I have progressed from there and as I began to feel better I began to think better.

The second thing I did was pray. Not just for a minute but for hours and hours.

The more I prayed the more I realized who I really was.

The more realistic I began to view myself, the less angry I was.

Today I have one goal each day. Put others first.
Easier said than done.

i have found this little task does two things. Two things I could never do.

Stay Busy and Stay Clean.

I have found that if I wanted to stop using drugs as a coping skill. As my way of treating my pain, my anger, my boredom, my depression, my emptiness, my fear, my regret, my low energy, the daily grind if you will than I needed to find a replacement for them.

I discovered a great deal of the negativity was a side effect of all the dope I was taking.

The rest of it I talk about, I write about and I pray about.

Thanks and I hope you choose not to get loaded today. I need all the company I can get on this living clean journey,

best wishes,
Joe

137 Penny { 11.05.09 at 7:18 am }

Hello everyone,
I just wanted to update you on my journey. I have not used Vicodin or any other prescription or OTC painkiller in 16 days now! I feel wonderful! I cant believe how much of a fog I was living in,,, the world seems clearer and I actually have ambition to better myself now!
While on the vicodin I gained 30 pounds, I was lazy and used the excuse, ” I cant work out when Im on vicodin, Ill wait untill I am not using” well I am motivated now! I started a daily workout, and am improving my eating habits. I used to work at Weight Watchers, I was my ideal weight but that all went out the window with drugs. I dont feel bad about that now.. I feel like I have a goal now,, Im not just wandering through life, Im living it, and I have dreams and aspirations that I can achieve! I have been using some herbal remedies for my headaches and they are starting to work somewhat. I still have a constant low grade headache but Im learning to live with the pain instead of masking it. It actually makes me feel stronger to know I can do this.
I wanted to share with you also an experience a friend told me about today. SHe was at the pharmacy with her son and a young teen boy was in front of her in line,, he had tears in his eyes and was sniffing like he was crying. He handed the pharmacy worker a note and said to her ” Im sorry,, my mom is making me do this” She nodded and handed him a bottle and he took off running. She must have instantly alerted the police because they intercepted the moms car as she was pulling out of the parking lot. Apparently the mom was screaming at the boy that he got the wrong thing, or not enough or something. There were other small children in the backseat of the car. Apparently this mom was an addict and had forced her son to go into the pharmacy with a “stick up” note to get Oxycodone! No money,, just the drug. The pharmacy keeps a placebo bottle on had just in case this happens. The Pharmacist said this happens quite a lot. That poor child, and family. That was a real eye opener to me, on how horribly addictive these pills can be and to what extremes people will go to get them.
Again, thank you so much for being here for me.. its wonderful to have a place to share and tell my story. Bless you all.

138 Joe { 11.06.09 at 2:17 am }

No thank you for sharing both sides of the situation.

The THRILL of stopping and getting your life back.

The AGONY of what you witnessed (active addiction).

Your ability to share is amazing.

Keep the posts coming.

best wishes

139 Joe { 11.11.09 at 2:00 am }

Hey Everyone,

Stopped by to say hello, and to offer some encouragement. Weather your thinking about stopping, Are in the mists of agonizing physical withdrawl, Are suffering the ups and downs of early life after drugs or you have been around awhile.

Remember LIFE IS GOOD. Take a minute today to SMILE and tell someone, and yourself ‘You Love Them”,

I Love everyone who posts here, take a risk today, share your thoughts of feelings, heal and help. Never give up on finding peace and joy.

Joe

140 Sweet Freedom { 11.11.09 at 5:28 am }

I can’t believe how certain events or smells or activities, trigger a craving for vicodin that I didn’t even know was there. I still have not had any since early June. I am happy about that. I guess I thought I would be completely out of the woods by now. Once again, I underestimated this stuff.
I still have my previously posted poem, taped up to my mirror. It reminds me of the time this will take and really helps with some discouragement.
It is what it is! I will win because I will not give up. Never have never will. Once again…I have cravings that I didn’t even know were there. I have had serious pain problems for years. Now I do not have the pain problems. I am learning a lot. Sometimes I don’t know what is what. One thing I do know…for sure…. I will not give in to this stuff. It doesn’t matter if I am confused as to what triggered what. I am not confused about the vicodin. NO THANK YOU!

141 Joe { 11.12.09 at 3:29 am }

Desiring Vicodin or what Vicodin represents?

I’m no longer desiring 9 pills, I know that is so fake. But euphoria, fulfillment, energy, peace, calmness, ease of the day, (you know all the stuff I used for int the first place).

hell I take that in a second.

Now the loneliness, the degradation, the dependence, the agony, the sickness, the lies, the legal problems, finical hardship, no thanks.

Seems for me, I can not have one without the other.

So, Sweet freedom, as they say here in Texas,

“What’s really going on?”

Hang in the man, Don’t believe the lie.

Thanks so much for sharing, It is Awesome to see your post. made my day.

love

142 Sweet Freedom { 11.12.09 at 4:35 am }

Joe,
I think I was wanting a little vicodin to take the edge off of some aches. I have trouble sleeping and on nights that I only get about 3-4 hours, I am miserable the next day. When I say that I don’t have pain problems I mean serious pain. The other night my sweet husband was taking me to a show downtown and I knew there would be a lot of walking in the cold. I have been to shows at this venue a lot because my son use to perform there. This usually brings out some pain in my achilles’ areas so I was wanting some then. I now believe this thinking and planning ahead mentality is wrong and I feel more and more empowered every time I get through a situation like that without anything in my system. My legs did hurt the other night but I was just fine as soon as I sat down and warmed them up.
I don’t get a high from the vics. Never have. Sometimes I just get tired of the aches and pains that my 41 years of being an athlete have gifted to me. I get tired of hurting, but again…I have to admit that it is not the kind of hurt that should warrant serious pain pills. Does this make sense?
In re reading my post, I think the word “craving” may be a little too strong. Or is that just me lieing to myself?
Thanks for your encouragement. Thanks for letting me vent. Don’t worry, I am more opposed to the stuff than I was even 5 months ago.

143 Joe { 11.13.09 at 1:41 am }

Sweet Freedom,

I hope it did not sound like I was poking around in your life, I am here for encouragement purposes only.

I guess I’m used to you posting and look forward to them. And the thought of someone I appreciate going back on vics kinda scared me.

So It was probably me trying to keep your around here for selfish reasons.

I apologize if it came off, well harsh.

At any rate, I pray your pain remains manageable, No sleep is a killer, as is pain.

I was meditating Tuesday morning, something I do every morning. I read a passage from the bible and reflect.

Anyway, It was the story of when Jesus cured 10 lepers.

Apparently of the 10 only 1 returned to thank him to which he replied.

“Were not 10 of you cured, Why has only 1 returned?”

It hit me hard.

I’m so glad you are continuing on, in spite of.

Here is to getting through, whatever it is we gotta get through.

best wishes

144 Sweet Freedom { 11.13.09 at 5:00 am }

Joe,
You have my permission to poke around in my life if you feel like something is going on. But I did not take your post that way. Nor did I take you as harsh in anyway. Sometimes I like to be told how the cow ate the cabbage. I guess that is one of the reasons I post here. If you see me walking down a dangerous path, please speak up. I am not going back on vics. I am against them even more. Sorry if I made it sound that way.

I think I am just so surprised by the total effect this stuff has had on my life. How it happened I don’t know. Was I not paying attention? Denial??? I am seeing this all as I continue on the drug free path. One mistake I know I made was that I trusted that my doctor would say something. I trusted that he would intervene or at least educate me if it was needed. Nope. Never a word!! The vics were not that much apart of my life……yet. I am blessed that I figured out what was happening relatively early. I think that is why I am so surprised at their residual kickback. People don’t realise that even the tiniest amounts will ask you to pay it’s dues. A friend just told me that he has been taking percs at night for restless leg syndrome, prescribed by a doctor. What???? He has been on it for over a year. I begged him to look for any other way to treat his RLS but he “assured me” he had it under control. I was sad.

Enough about me. How are you doing? Find any new fun workouts lately?

145 Penny { 11.13.09 at 7:12 am }

The recent posts by Joe and Sweet really hit home for me. On one hand, I crave the pain relief that the vicodin provided, but part of me ( toward the end of my useage) realized that that was a short lived relief. The pain would come back,, I would crave more vicodin, take it,, the pain would come back,, etc. What we used to call in my cocaine days as “chasing the line”.
Vicodin addiction really is a double whammy. It starts as relief,, and leads ( at least for me) to “excuses” for relief. It got so I thought I might possibly get a headache so I would take them. Then I would feel great,, on top of the world,, relaxed and happy. Then the headache would come and I would do the math and realize I couldnt take anymore safely so I would take other prescription drugs to get rid of the headache that the vicodin actually made worse! I have to keep telling myself that everyday,,, that the vicodin really honestly made the headaches occur more often and more intense.
I have been without vicodin for 3 and a half weeks now,, and I do admit wanting some from time to time. My spouse uses them on occasion for headaches too and I about hit the ceilign when I found an empty bottle in his dresser. I feel like I cant even have them in the house. As a matter of fact as I type this I did the m ath again and realized I could probably email my Dr and ask for a prescrip,, she would believe that I wasnt addicted since I have not had any for almost a month. Talk about whacked out thinking!!!
But I will stay away. Vicodin is my sirens song it seems.
The other thing I wanted to bring up might sound rather funny and strange but I have noticed that since I stopped taking vics and other painkillers I really miss the act of popping pills! It was a habit for me to take this and that, and now that Im not its like an empty place in my life. Well I have sort of solved that one,, I take vitamins individually now! I take a D suppliment , a B suppliment, a multi mineral, and now the L Tyrosine. At least I can sort of fool myself that way.. LOL!
Thanks again for being here.. and for helping me through my journey. Blessings to all of you who continue to fight the good fight.

146 Joe { 11.14.09 at 2:37 am }

Hey Sweet Freedom,

Thanks for the understanding. And thanks for taking the time out to respond. It’s appreciated.

Well, seeing as I love to talk about me.

Let’s see.

Overall things are going really well, far better than I would expect.

On the plus side of the ledger

Above all else.

I AM CLEAN

1. I have a Relationship with Christ (In fact I have become quite dependent on it)

2. I am in fairly good physical condition. I am working more on flexibility now, a lot of stretching, pull-ups, squats.
My current job requires a ton of strength so I’ve toned down the push-up, weights.

I have a real hard time jogging, my ankles are shot from my high school basketball days, so I hike around the woods behind my house.

I’m thinking of Yoga, now this would be a stretch for me,(Pun intended) I have made fun of the Yoga freaks at the beach, you know when I am up in jersey in the summer they are out at dawn and dusk.

But I might try it.

3.Emotionally- well let’s say improving, of course I have stayed really safe here, I avoid arguments, risks, new relationships, and well all the old friends are shall we say, unhealthy for me. So I’m not sure if safe is the right play, but that’s where I’m at.

On the Negative side.

1. Still struggling with self worth-It seems no matter the effort of prayer, or doing the next right thing, or writing, or talking about relieves those moments or feelings of. “You loser, you really messed up your life…You deserve your plight, your less than others.—I just don’t know what to do about it, It seems the more I focus on me, the more those feelings resonate. So I try not to have it be about me.

2. Bouts of Emptiness, still get hit occasionally with a blah feeling, a can’t go on moment.

3. Finding my passion-my whole life I have witnessed the success of people who have found their passion and pursued it. (My brother loves the law, and became a lawyer, My sister love kids, she’s a special ed teacher).

Things I love-

1. Sports.
2. Seeing people overcome addiction
3. The Bible
4. Music

What I do for living- work for Pilgrims Pride, on the line making boneless chicken breasts.

Not really my passion, and having ignored the part of growing up where they teach you to identify a career based on your passions I haven’t a clue what to do with my life.

So I guess you could say “I am a work in Progress”.

Enjoy your weekend, and Thanks for being here.

147 Penny { 11.14.09 at 12:41 pm }

Hi there,
I get inspiration just reading this… The candor that is shared on this site is a God send to me.
I have been clean for about a month now. There is such clarity in not using. I was using about 4 vics a day for a year and a half. I get reoccuring migraines and other headaches and was taking the vics for that reason.. Actually now taht I am clean, I have fewer headaches! Still get them but no more rebounding headaches.
What I am struggling with now is the feeling of loss. I miss feeling that buzz,, loooking forward to it,,,, planning for it. Knowing I could unwind with a few vics at night. I also am going through a rough time, have a mass growing on my thyroid so that has made me very anxious and wishing I had some vics to get my mind off it. Sounds bad ,,, and I k now I wont turn to them but it does make me realize what a grip they h ad on me.
What is worse is that my boyfriend uses vicodin for headaches,, but not daily. He used to have a problem with the vicodin,, went for a long time without taking it,, and now is taking it on occasion. That scares me and makes me feel angry that he can handle it ( i think) and I cant!
sounds like sour grapes Im sure but in a way I feel like a dieter watching someone eat cupcakes!
Again thank you for being here for me,,, and all of us … .we are in the same boat and need all the support we can get!

148 Joe { 11.16.09 at 3:09 am }

Hey Penny,

So great to read your Posts.

The mental part of the journey from pill popping to reality is such a ride.

There is actual physical stuff occurring to the body (PAWS) etc. and then there is the character rebuilding and physical rebuilding.

Hang in there, we need you. And as you will discover IT CAN BE DONE.

The only thing I can share is this.

1. Information-the more information I have the better I am able to make healthy choices. There is great information on PAWS on this site.

2. Action- I have discovered the more I actualy do stuff, anything like walk, clean the house, exercise, work, and the less I sit around and think about my life the better my day goes.

It is a constant battle for me to Keep Pressing On. But I must. Daily, Hourly, tell myself to move forward.

“You gotta stay hungry man”

Today my appetite is not dope, it’s being comfortable in my own skin.

When i have the privilege of meeting someone new on the journey, I want them to know just how important they are.

So Penny “You are important, far more important than you realize at this moment”.

Have a good one.

149 Sweet Freedom { 11.16.09 at 4:42 am }

Joe,
There is a great resource called Career Direct that might help you. (Check online) It is a Christian organization and they have different programs that help you figure out what you can do with the gifts God gave you to dispense. They have a career test that not only tests for personality traits but also gives you an idea about your spiritual gifts and where that may fit in, out in the world. Everybody I know that has done this program has said it is a “must”. I would say that you have some strong exhortation giftings. I love watching a spiritual gift at work. My husband is like Barnabas. He has this crazy calming affect on people. I could not tell you how many times he has been told, “You are the nicest cop that has ever arrested me.” He also has mercy and humility. Now picture those traits in a police officer/crime scene investigator. Actually …I am a spaz… picture those traits as my husband. Ha ha ha! Anyway….if you can afford their program, I think it might be worth it.

I have never tried yoga but I have tried pilates and those classes were really tough. They were exhausting though and that was what I was looking for. You’ll have to let us know how the yoga treated you.

Joe…sometimes I have stuff from my past slam into my brain. Jesus does not want us living in the past. He is all about our future. Anyway, I use those moments to remind myself to pray. I thank God for my failures because they remind me how desperately I need Him. I then rebuke the deceiver who wants me to live in the past so that I can give him some sort of a hold on me. I believe that the devil wants to distract us from the cross any way he can.

Sorry if I wrote too much off topic and thanks so much for being here.

150 Sweet Freedom { 11.16.09 at 4:50 am }

Hi Penny,

I understand so much of what you have written. You are definately not alone in your thinking. I think it is really cool that you put it into words for others to read. It helps me to think that I am not crazy. It is so nice to not feel alone.
I have so many caring people in my life. Sometimes I am afraid to share some of my vicodin thoughts with them because I am afraid they would pull away from me if they knew. Rationally, I am sure they wouldn’t. But I guess we all have an irrational destructive voice that puts crazy thoughts into our heads. Anyways, thanks for being on this forum.

151 Joe { 11.17.09 at 3:22 am }

Hey Sweet Freedom, and everyone else.

Thanks for the suggestions. I will check out the Career Direct stuff.

I remember once, along time ago I was seeking to find what my spiritual gift might be. To identify it.

Anyway, I went to this website and started this questionnaire that would ultimately discern your gift.

Well I start, 50 questions, 100 questions by that point I was like “forget it, if it takes all these questions to find out what my gift is, I must not need to know.”

It felt like back when I first got the internet and I would see a banner that said. ‘Free Sony TV or Apple Computer or whatever”. No purchase needed.

I would go and start these surveys and they would never end and so I never got my free TV,

I now realize that internet marketing and seeking your “calling” are not to be grouped in the same pile.

It is my priority to discover my ‘calling” or perhaps a better word is “uncover”.

My spiritual journey today is that of Zacchaeus, the short tax collector who fought the crowds and his size, climbs a tree to catch a glimpse.

Jesus looking up says ” Zacchaeus, come down quickly,
for today I must stay at your house.”

The crowds are not people in my case rather thoughts in my head.

I’m not short in statue. I’m 6’4, but I feel alot shorter than all the other folks in church, or society, they all seem so much more worthy of redemption than I.

So I am Zacchaeus, doing whatever I can to catch a glimpse.

Today I hope he calls me down from my Tree. To come stay at my House.

I long to hear the words.

“Today salvation has come to this house
because this man too is a descendant of Abraham.
For the Son of Man has come to seek
and to save what was lost.”

Oh wait I just did hear them…..(hmm)

Hope you have a great day folks.

152 Sweet Freedom { 11.17.09 at 4:28 am }

Joe,
I heard a pastor teach on spiritual gifts one time. He was saying kind of the same things as you about some of the long tests. Anyway, he mentioned a different way to tell what your spiritual gifts may be. He contends that a person with a certain spiritual gift will find themselves particularly ruffled, when the opposite to that gift is displayed. For example I have some exhortation . I can not stand to listen to any teasing that runs someone down. It’s just not funny. I would rather honestly build people up. Which makes it even more amazing that the Lord brought me my own personal and team training business for the last 16 years. (This is how I trashed my legs.) My husband has a lot of mercy. He gets really frustrated when he sees other cops that he works with who throw the book at someone who is obviously needing help and not needing to get ticket after ticket. He feels his job is to keep people safe and living safely, not to come down on anybody he can catch doing something wrong.
Does this make sense. What gets under your skin?
I know that I am just a vending maching for the Lord to use. I take no responsibility for filling myself with anything good any more than a real vending machine can fill itself with those yummy little animal cookies. Yummm. My job is to stay ready to vend.
Anyway, I am getting through a nasty cold with a raw sore throat WITHOUT ANY VICODIN and I feel great!

153 Joe { 11.18.09 at 3:35 am }

Good Morning guys.

Hope all is well,

That is such an interesting take on finding your gift, SF. It really made me think. What bothers me, really bothers me.

Hmmm.

I’m not sure, I usually combat a negative feeling with a rationalization.

ex. Kids being mean to Kids– their just kids

I will say upon reflection 2 things seem to stick out.

1. Constant bickering- Drives me nuts when individuals go round and round over the same issue without resolution.

(which is ironic seeing how my life on drugs was one long drawn out ongoing problem with no resolution and constant inner conflict.)

Perhaps we do become our greatest f ear.

2. Dealing with the truth-I say what hurts me the most in life is Dealing with a truth that I don’t want to be true.

I’m having a real hard time putting this sentiment or belief or feeling into words.

Example my kids on drugs-(they aren’t to my knowledge but that truth would kill me)

This manifests itself in all my personal relationships. I guess I’ve never been completely honest before.

I sometimes do not want to know the truth. I am so afraid of it.

Great question, I need to pray about this one.

Thanks.

154 Penny { 11.19.09 at 2:21 pm }

Hello friends,,, I wanted to update you on something important that has occured in my journey without vicodin. I was diagnosed on Tuesday with thyroid cancer. It is very treatable but still very scary to actually think I have cancer. Well in my anxiety I took 2 valium and guess what? It didnt do a thing for me! I had a stress headache before hand and that was my excuse, but the vicodin didnt make it go away nor did it change the way I felt emotionally. If anything it just made me sleepy in a crabby sort of irritated way! This to me is great news! The last experience I will have with vicodin was a ” whoopie.. big deal” one! Now I truly feel I can put that behind me.
Looking ahead thoughy IM sure with my surgery upcoming and other treatments I will need painkillers. I am going to work with my doctors on alternative to narcotics. I feel good, have no symptoms of the cancer, so nothing is needed now.
Anyways please pray for me, my friends,, I need your support and well wishes.
Love, Penny

155 Joe { 11.20.09 at 2:25 am }

Hi Penny,

I know physical problems of any kind are both scary and unpleasant, please remember we are here if you need help, support or just a great place to get all the peripheral stuff (fear,hurt,anger) out so you can focus on your health.

My Prayers are for you this morning.

Joe

156 Joe { 11.22.09 at 2:41 am }

Hey Folks,

Just checking in, kinda clear my head and reflect for a moment.

Tomorrow will mark 6 months of Drug and Booze free living for me, so what have I learned during this time.

1. If you want to stop the deadly cycle of active use, you can.

2. Physical Withdrawal ends, it doesn’t last for ever.

3. PAWS is very real.

4. Exercise curbs depression, regret, worry, sleeplessness and feelings of low self worth.

5. Prayer is vital for me.

6. Fear saturates my every thought, it’s the core of all my issues.

7. Having people to talk to helps.

8. While recovering your physical health is vital, your spiritual health is more so.

9. The road of healthy restoration is as lonely as you choose it to be.

10. Not using is vastly better than using.

Let’s strap on our seatbelts, Life keeps getting better and who knows where this journey is going to take me,

Thanks guys. I Love you all.

Joe

157 Joe { 11.22.09 at 3:43 am }

On side note,

I have been reflecting on what is my core issue, as reveled the other day,

Seems I’m not alone here,

In fact my study this morning the subject was the topic.

Seems it has a name:

Moral Relativism.

Moral Hatred for or fear of the truth, which can make us deaf to the whisperings of God’s voice in our hearts (as it did in Pilate’s case), is also called moral relativism.

But my issue is “What am I so deeply afraid of: What truth trouble’s me so.”

The first thought is.

“I am not one of Christ chosen”

But then I think, no the real truth, the one that you have avoided your whole life.

“You are one of Christ’s chosen, you turned your back on him. You failed, you will fail again. Your lying to yourself when you think you can live a holy life”

What do I do?

158 Sweet Freedom { 11.22.09 at 6:51 am }

Joe: Give thanks. Give thanks because Jesus lived the holy life for us. Then hold on to Him as tight as you can. Do good things because you have God’s smile not because you have to earn God’s smile.
Jesus knows everything bad we have EVER thought or done and He knows everything bad we will EVER think or do in the future, and He still got on the cross for us. Give thanks and praise and love.

I am reading a book right now called True Faced. It’s about the masks we put on and use to live out our lives. These masks keep us from living out God’s will for us. It says these masks are partly determined by 2 unresolved things. 1.) Sins commited against us by others. 2.) Sins we commited. I am not very far into it but so far it has opened my eyes to some of the unnecessary cages I have put myself in. I am starting to see areas in my life that I don’t trust God. So far it has been really freeing. REALLY FREEING! Please check it out. I know you can order it off of the Navigators web site. They even have a few pages from the book that you can read.

159 Joe { 11.23.09 at 3:22 am }

Good Morning Folks,

6 MONTHS CLEAN!!!!!!!

Now that sounds like great advise Sweet Freedom,

Smile.

That keeps it simple for me, something I can do.

Thanks Guys, you made the past six months possible.

What a long strange trip it’s been.

Love

160 Joe { 11.26.09 at 2:49 am }

Where else would I start my Thanksgiving than right here.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone,

May God Bless you.

Love,
Joe

161 Joe { 11.27.09 at 7:24 am }

Good Morning folks,

Hope everyone is well.

I had a very peaceful thanksgiving. Ate alot, watched some football and chilled.

I went to the site Sweet Freedom,(navigators) read a portion of True Face, at least the snippets there.

I was hit hard by that line.

‘Forgiveness erase the debt but it doesn’t clear up our credit report.”

It angers me that I have so much wreckage to clean up. In there lies the issue, it Bothers me, It keeps me up at night, It soils my beautiful days, It is an underlining current in everything I do.

I realize that Alone it is to much, that alone it will eat me up. that alone It will make worthless.

It is in joining up with God that i can find the courage to take the next step.

I really need to try to stop pleasing God and start trusting him more.

As usual thanks.

162 Sweet Freedom { 11.28.09 at 5:46 am }

Joe,
Please order the book. Your local bookseller may be able to get it for you too. (eg. Barnes and Noble) I believe the book goes on to say basically the blood of our Lord clears up the credit report. THIS IS THE PART OF REPENTANCE THAT I HAD BEEN MISSING FOR ALL OF THESE YEARS. It’s like me coming to Jesus and telling Him, “Hey I just got a really big ticket for ……………” And he says back to me, ” I know, thanks for coming to me, and by the way, I have already been to see the Judge and I paid your fine. You are free.”
I have recently realized that I am not who others say that I am. I am who Jesus says I am. I have been trying to approach repeated tough situations (eg. family holiday conflicts) from the perspective of being who Jesus says I am. I was completely shocked at how much better things went this past week. Wow!
Sometimes when I pray, I tell Him that I can’t handle “this sin/situation” and I ask him to do it for me. I trust.
The book also talks about how trying to manage our sin alone is basically underestimating sin’s power, overestimating our own ablilities, and underestimating the work done on the cross. When I think that through…duh! If it takes Jesus on the cross to beat sin, where on earth did I get the idea that I could beat it alone.
Good news is I don’t have to. The enemy wants you to try and do it alone because he knows he can’t defeat Jesus but he’s got a good chance at you.
Think about who the courts/legal system says Joe is. Think about who family or friends say Joe is. Think about who co-workers say Joe is. Then think about who Jesus says Joe is.
Who you gonna believe? Jesus knows more about you and me than everybody in our lives combined. I think I will believe and trust HIM!

163 Joe { 12.01.09 at 3:01 am }

Hi everyone

If you want to stop using opiates you have come to the right place, it’s a great place to begin and as I am discovering a great place to continue to grow.

Personally I spend my time getting healthier physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually

I have dedicated this month of Advent to a new beginning.

Sweet Freedom, your insights are BEYOND helpful, they are so meaningful to me. Thank You.
I
I know Jesus said things such as , “you are no longer a servant but a friend”.

that I am a “child of God.”

So this month I long to get closer to my friend, I pray three things this advent.

I accept Christ more.

I trust Christ more.

I share Christ more.

I guess I have waited my whole life to get this feeling of AHHH!!!! NOW I GET IT!!!! Beyond a doubt I am born again.

However, while not ruling that moment out, I keep getting moved along more subtly with a nudge here and an insight there.

I know the path to enlightenment began with stopping dope, I now am looking for the next step a deeper step, one that unlocks my potential, excites me, reignites my passion for life. Makes me more useful, and less somber.

I believe deep in my soul I am a fun guy, great to be around.

Why am I so afraid to rejoin life, I am so isolated, I work, come home, sleep, exercise, pray, eat–repeat.

This is my outlet, I need to take some baby steps at rejoining life. maybe after the holidays.

To a new Month and the closing of one hell of a year.

Joe

164 Joe { 12.09.09 at 3:17 am }

Hey Now,

OK I’m starting to get caught up in the Anxiety part of Christmas.

Getting the perfect gifts for the kids etc.

Time to take a step back and chill.

OK whew, i just needed to remind myself. the gift I really need to give this year is me.

So here I am, Joe in Loving Service.

Now back to life.

Peace

165 Joe { 12.14.09 at 5:47 am }

Good Morning Guys,

Just wanted to start my day on the right foot.

Praying for those who are attempting to overcome a pill addiction.

You have choices.

You do not have to use dope.

On a brighter note. I turn 44 today.

The fact I am alive, pretty healthy. clean and in my right mind(has right as this old brain gets) is in fact a MIRACLE.

Here is to great 44. Man, I’m getting up there.

Love,
Joe

166 Sweet Freedom { 12.14.09 at 5:59 am }

Happy Birthday Joe! I hope year 45 is your best one yet!!

167 Joe { 12.21.09 at 2:40 am }

Good Morning Folks,

I am excited about Christmas, anyone else?

The primary reason I stopped using dope was because I could no longer tolerate my own actions.

I could no longer muster up the effort it took to use.

I was desperate.

I was dying.

Today I am HEALTHY.

I could go on for ever about the benefits of NOT using.

So just remember, if your looking for a way out of the insanity a path exists.

Have a great week.

168 Joe { 12.25.09 at 2:36 am }

Merry Christmas.

Man oh Man!!!! Clean and Healthy on Christmas Day.

I can not verbalize the Joy.

So maybe all go on with what Christmas has ment to me over the years.

Early Years.(pre-drug)

My earliest memories seem to be holiday related. I actually have very few memories pre-4th grade? Is that weird.

But I remember my house, the smell, the excitement and my reactions so high and so low all at once. Very emotional day.

I would take my toy and play and imagine even then my reality wasn’t enough. A nerf footbal would take me out of reality.

Teen Years-
Less focus on the family they are now in the way. All I want is money(to buy beer and pot) and music.

Partying with friends becomes more important than Christ or family.

Early 20′s–Totally stung out now, Lonely depressing times.

Late 20′s-I am clean living with my Wife (not married). Going to NA joyful, special times.

30′sto 43 –Dad now, 2 small kids spen all my energy trying to make sure their Christmas morning is unforgettable. They get the stuff, but I’m drunk and on pills so we are disconnected.

44- This year clean and spiritual, Like the priest asked us at mass last night, “Do you have room at the inn?” he used the innkeeper has the focus.

Saying our hearts are the innkeeper, Do we have room for anyone in there?

So for Christmas 2009-My Vacancy Light is on. My heart is open…

My kids are about to get up.

It’s almost dawn.

LIFE IS BEYOND WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

169 Joe { 01.02.10 at 3:08 am }

Happy New Year Everyone.

What a great time to rededicate my efforts at becoming a healthier person.

I hope and pray everyone is blessed this year.

Enjoy

170 TJ { 01.02.10 at 12:40 pm }

To Joe and All of You
I have spent the last 3 hours reading your posts, please keep them coming. I want to stop but am so afraid. It was my New Years resolustion and to make 2010 a year of new beginings.
Please don’t stop posting, the more I read the more hope I get. I don’t have a support network, no one knows, to ashamed to tell anyone.
I do remember like without viks but it seems so long ago.
Thank you All.
Joe you are my inspiration!!!

171 Joe { 01.04.10 at 3:12 am }

Hey Now,

TJ, I am so thrilled to see a new person hop on board.

Keep coming back

I understand how overwhelming and impossible this shit becomes.

Every second of pain, Every deep regret, Every once of shame, Every thought that getting clean was an impossibility. I have had.

THE MIRACLE, I have lived through it.

I come here to let you know, so can you. I’m here man, for every second, minute, day, week. However long it takes.

Hell, don’t pop a pill, post what your feeling and together we don’t have to use as a coping skill.

Peace

172 Joe { 01.08.10 at 2:43 am }

Hey Everyone,

Just pooping in to say Good Morning.

It is so COLD down here in Texas. The coldest morning in years. It hurts to go outside.

I Love it, growing up in the north. It’s like I get to go back to those cold winter nights of my youth.

On the plus side this will last like 4 days not 4 months

Lately I have been making peace with my past. The last 12 or so years.

I’ve talked about how painful it was, the shame, the guilt, the hurt.

It is keeping me off pills.

I try not to dwell on it. I share a little peice of the hurt and move on.

I keep striving for PEACE.

I seem to get just a bit more each day.

I hope everyone is well.

God Bless

173 Joe { 01.15.10 at 3:42 am }

Well Folks,

The end of another week. I am so glad I found this site. That I made a choice to not take a pill one day.

I was just reflecting on how sick I USED to be. And how I thought using dope would never end.

I pray to my heavenly Father, if your sick and you want to stop using pills that you find this site.

I will not gloss it over and say, it’s easy. In fact starting a new life is scary, awkward, painful, lonely and anxiety filled.

It is also peaceful, joyful, new, loving, caring and full of wonder.

It is just nice to be alive. Again.

Have a great week-end.

174 Joe { 01.22.10 at 2:48 am }

Good Morning Folks,

Just posting for the first time on the new format.
It looks sweet, easy to read. love it.

Made me think about change.

That is what I am undergoing. I am changing today. I am starting to have moments where I am OK with me.

They are brief and I still have a hard time just accepting me.

I sometimes want to be more, I sometimes want to be less.

I sometimes hate myself for what I’ve done, and what I’ve failed to do.

I used to feel so degraded that I was walking around desperate. I hated myself and would try to get validation wherever I could.

Seems taking dope hid or numbed a lot of the deep rooted insecurities.

Today, by grace coupled with a choice I made. I have not taken dope so I am exposed.

I still get confused about “Who I Am”. “What I Want”. “What do I do?”

In fact, I have decided for now I will Pray, Do the Next right thing, If I fail(I will ask for forgiveness) and I will not permit old ideas or thoughts to lead me backward.

I have no idea how the future will turn out, But if I just enjoy today, do not use drugs, pray, bring a smile to the world, help where I can, I must believe I will be led to a place of peace and love.

I hope those seeking a new way of life, free from pills will post and join me.

Have a great week-end
Joe

175 Anne { 01.27.10 at 10:41 pm }

Hey you:

Anne here. I am using my friend’s computer to say thank you for your site. I am a recovering alcohol and drug user with a hard core history from 1984 up until 1992, when I started having children. Relapses have been periodic every few years since my kids came, with periods of abstinence in between. In 2003 I was held at gunpoint during a robbery of my employer at the time, and since that time I have had difficulty staying in sustained full recovery.

Most recently after gastric bypass surgery in November, 2009 I was given Vicodin for pain. Although my pain was significant, I probably started taking the Vicodin to help me with stress after I came home from the operation. I quickly found myself counting my pills and looking for other sources of Vicodin, as my mother-in-law fortunately/unfortunately had a recent hospitalization too and had 60 of her own Vicodin with refill. Within three weeks I had finished my original prescription, finished her original prescription, and refilled hers for 60 more. Just last week I came to the realization that not only was I taking her medicine without telling her, but that I was down to just 30 pills left with my appetite for them growing. When I first started the Vicodin, suddenly I felt like I could handle whatever the day handed me. My stomach symptoms were better, but I would end the day strung out and exhausted with the amount of medicines I was taking and still recovering from my stomach surgery. Each time I stopped taking the Vicodin because I felt too good, I would start feeling clammy, panicky, irritable, and shakey. I started feeling guilty that I had “gone back down a dark path into addiction.” I started spacing out on my goals that I had for myself. I started feeling guilty as a mother and as a human being striving to move forward with a new mindset and body.

I reached out for help to someone I trusted. We talked about withdrawing slowly. I started cutting back on my two to four pill/day habit and got into a pattern for a number of days of just taking two pills. From there I tried to cut down to half a pill twice a day, but even that was some days too difficult. As a recent weekend approach, I found enough determination to stop using and to go back to my goals. I started taking my seroquel medication to stave off the irritability and my risperdal medication. That has been helping. I am still having trouble sleeping on day five of my slow withdrawal. The point I am at personally right now is that I want to be clean from withdrawal altogether, and I am impatient about it happening now. Outside support does help…………If anyone out there has experience, please help me deal with the fact that my mother-in-law still has 30 left of her own Vicodin. I still have them hidden in my own pill box. I can see that because I have taken her medication, she is also going through some withdrawal, and I am feeling pretty guilty. Do I give up her pills to her? Do I throw them all away once I am done with my withdrawal, or am I being incredibly selfish (I know the answer to that already) in not letting her have her medications. Had I not filled her original refill, she herself might not be withdrawing. God drug use really can make a bad guy out of you.

Please let this serve as my confession for my pained conscience. If there is anyone who can “read me” and not judge me, please let me hear from you.

Anne

176 Joe { 01.29.10 at 2:52 am }

Hey Now,

Thanks so much for posting Anne.

Withdrawal and all the insanity that goes with it sucks, but I am living proof that it WILL get better.

I have found the direct path, the quickest path. I won’t say it’s the easiest, I’m not sure their is an easy way to get off opiates.

If there was more folks would stop.

I would never judge you, I will support you, be here for you and cheer you on.

I know for me, luckily, I have no pills in the house nor am I in contact with someone who needs medication. SoI can’t really offer advice on what to do with your Mother-in-laws dope.

I have learned that if I don’t take the first one, I don’t have to worry about the next one. And that was the relief I was praying for.

Welcome and thank you so much for being here. I need you on my journey out of active addiction.

Keep posting.

Joe

177 Joe { 02.03.10 at 2:33 am }

Good Morning Folks.

As always, I pray that if you are thinking about getting off pills, getting through the horrible withdrawls and beginning a new life.
That you start today. It is so worth it.

As for me, I had a deep revelation last night, so I cam here to share it.

I had been going along smoothly since the new year, however I was getting those feelings of discontent, those feelings of hopelessness, what’s the use.

I have not had a pill since May 22, 2009 and I guess the newness had begun to wear off.

As it did and I guess you could say subconsciously, I was becoming more and more selfish. as I became more selfish, i became more depressed.

Then yesterday I came home from work, my daughter had gotten a poor grade on a Vocabulary exam. Now I had spent last week coaching her, talking to her. Explaining how important the decisions she makes now are.

I thought she “got it”

Now I need to say God has blessed me with some great kids, Straight A students. Know what’s right, very considerate and beautiful, funny and articulate.

Anyway somehow her low grade, was not about her it was about me. The manager, the coach. The guy who get’s results. I had failed. I blew up man. (inside rage) not at her.

Well I’ve learned to do things differently now. I don’t go score when emotions hit.

I take a walk,, or go to bed. or pray.

So I grab my Dog Coco and we head out for our walk, for some reason she jets off, won’t come when I call her, I start going nut. Now I’m screaming Coco get over here. The louder I yell the faster she runs away.

I’m losing it by this point.

Anyway, I get back to the house. It hits me like a ton of bricks,

Everything is always about me. I am self centered.

I don’t want to be in charge anymore of others. I can’t find happiness in my plans. I am not God, I no longer want to be in control of those around me (i never really was)

This whole self propulsion, get it done, my strength, my wisdom, my insight, my skills. They can only all come together for good should I choose not to serve myself. I can no longer serve Joe. I can no long be “what my life is about.

It just will not work.

Today Dear Lord Jesus, I beg you Please take my life, show me how to live. Become the Lord of my life. Help me.

The results of my actions are no longer up to me, I will trust you lord with the results.

For my part I will do the best I can to be a loving, caring helpful man.

Thanks,
Joe

178 Adam { 02.06.10 at 8:13 pm }

Joe,

Thanks for posting…as always. I think we all struggle with a bit of self-centeredness on occasion. At least you’re noticing it…some of us never do. :)

179 Joe { 02.14.10 at 3:19 am }

Hey Now.

Happy Valentine’s day!!!!! Hope love finds it’s way into everyone’s heart today.

If you don’t want pills to rule your life. They don’t have to.

I’m doing well, it was so amazing we got a snowstorm down here in Texas on Thursday night, it was the first one my kids had experienced, what a joy to see there reaction.

Having gown up in the mountains of NE PA. Snow was a way of life.

But Thursday night as the snow fell and I was out playing with the girls I had one of those moments, The ones that see you through the work, the pain, the depression.

Being Clean opens doors to stuff. Good stuff, Real Good Stuff.

Love,
Joe

180 Steve { 02.16.10 at 1:54 pm }

Hi Everyone,

Joe – Remember this post? :
I have lost all self-worth, and all hope. I was helped by this blog and so a will not use today no matter what, I have tried everything, rehabs, jails, moves, new jobs, nothing has ever worked.

You wrote back in May ’09. Look at how far you’ve come. I am writing this because your posts have helped me immensely.

Keep up the good work Joe and everyone on here!

Steve.

181 Joe { 02.21.10 at 4:12 am }

Hey Steve,

It never fails. I get what I need Today. Your words are much to kind.
Thank you

182 Joe { 02.23.10 at 2:57 am }

Hey Now,

Well, Well, Well. You can never tell.

9 months ago today I awoke from a drug induced sleep, coma whatever. Or should I say something woke me.

I never thought when I decided that I would not use that day that it was the start of something. I knew it was then end of something.

To every poster or lurker here. This day is in your honor. Your words, your lives, your love SAVE MY LIFE.

I have just one thing to say…

How can Help.

Really if you do not wish to take a pill today, you need not.

Love,
Joe

183 Debbie { 02.27.10 at 3:13 pm }

My sister has recently been found to be abusing Vicodin for the second time in ten years. She went through day treatment and five years of monitoring, and admits she never really “bought into” the program (difficulty with the “higher power” part of the 12 steps.)
With easy access to prescription pads, ds claims to have been taking up to 40 (yes, forty) pills a day.
I recently made a lengthy visit to her home to support her as she faces the consequences-loss of job, insurance, possible prosecution, etc. She has had minimal symptoms of withdrawal, which I find incredible. Should we, her children and I, insist that she take a urine test to see if she’s truly quit using as she says? She is planning to start another day treatment program next week and is very remorseful (or so she says.) She is also on meds for depression. Do I trust her or is that a silly question under the circumstances? I’m not looking to push her past the breaking point, but she seems very emotionless and withholding. I want to help her but not enable. Will day treatment be enough? Thoughts, anyone? Thanks for this forum.
Debbie

184 Joe { 03.01.10 at 3:35 am }

Morning Folks,

We start another month, here is to living for today.

It can be the first day of a whole new life.

I continue to pray, pray for every person who is seeking a way out. A way to move beyond pain pills.

Personally, I continue to move forward, slowly climbing out of the hole I was in.

I try to learn, to understand and to love.

It really is a baby step process and learning to live drug free is really scary.

But amongst the doubt, the hassles, the worry.

Lies this stream, I can’t explain it, it’s like a never ending river of love and hope. I dip into every morning.

When I was getting high. dope was that stream. But it was fake, it ran out, it made me do things that got me into trouble.

This stream has not got me into trouble once, not once. Although it does empty you out, fill you up and keeps you guessing.

And even though sometimes I don’t feel it, I know it’s there.

It provides me with the energy, the exact amount I need to make the day.

I thought I’d share some progress I’ve made. Sometimes I can’t see the growth.

Then: Could not get out of Bed, too sick.

Now: Wake up early to pray, read and enjoy the quiet.

Then: The only thing that made life tolerable was dope. And it stopped working.

Now: I use prayer, exercise, love, talking, writing, listening, working, watching as my tools to get through the day.

Then: starting 12 months probation, dwi class, drug offender class, 7,500(apx) in fines, tickets court costs. 100 hours of community service No job, No hope, No life.

Now: Completed 12 months probation, went to the DWI class, paid off 5,400 of the fines and court costs. Worked all 100 hrs of community service. Have a Job, Have Hope, And a life worth waking up to.

Am I finished, Heck know.

Is the work to do, you betcha you.

Can I get it all done, no. Not today.

Do I still seek changes. Of course.

I would love a new job. The one I have is killing me physically.

I would love to have all the legal stuff behind me. I will if I stay clean and keep moving forward.

I want to be more loving. more selfless. I will keep plugging along.

Sometimes, Life get’s heavy man, like it is this morning and I gotta lighten the load.

So I’ll dip into that stream of love…AH what a relief.

Now let’s get busy.

Love,
Joe

185 jamie { 03.05.10 at 10:16 am }

Hi. My name is Jackie.
I think I posted in a different thread somewhere a couple of weeks ago.
I have been tapering down from norco for three weeks now. I was taking 4-6 pills a day. 6 being the high dose I would take to get some energy. When that didnt work anymore, I started doing coke, too. I thought I was having a blast and being so productive, but I wasnt really. ( of course)
I was prescribed vicoden during breast cancer treatment for the pain from surgery, and then for the back pain I got after laying around for so long. I have been taking them for 4 years. That seems so insane to me now.
About 3 weeks ago, I was watching Celecrity Rehab and was surprised at how many of the addicts were addicted to vicoden. I immediatly went to my bottle and counted them all out into daily dose containers. I took what would have lasted me ten days and spread it out over 3 weeks. yesterday i took the last half pill. ( 5mg) I think it was a great taper and it worked.
I went for a walk and ended jogging on Wednesday and now I have a severe cold. From what I read here, I was probably ripe for it.
My usual relapse behavior is when I feel great! I want to feel greater! I am trying to be in touch with my addict voice. Meaning, I am trying to understand that it is the AV that is whispering to me. I was interested in RR years ago, but the beast won.
I still have to stop drinking. That is the most dificult for me. I am going to take one thing at a time. I have cut back a lot, just not ready for 100% I guess.

This forum and this thread have been very helpful to me. I have read it twice now over the three weeks.
I am taking supplements, but need that L-tyrosine.

Thanks to Joe,Admin,Sweet and everyone else who ahve opened up here.

186 jamie { 03.05.10 at 10:17 am }

dang. so much for being anon.

187 Peter G { 03.06.10 at 10:34 am }

Joe Sucks – He’s telling my story or following me around taking notes. I’m on day 3 and pill free after 18 months of opiates and I feel like a train hit me. Joe you have given me light – Thank You, At post 126 approx you told my story, Legit pain to start, Pills,more pills, different pills, lying,cheating to get more pills, morally bankrupt, pills not working anymore. Can i stop the insanity ? Thanks for the outlet -Takes one to know one

188 Joe { 03.10.10 at 3:29 am }

Hey Now,

I pray everyday that someone join me on this road. Thanks so much for stopping by guys.

This thread is ridiculously long now, thanks for scrolling through it.

Jackie, getting off those dam pills was one thing, staying of them is yet another. I can only share with you, that I did not take a pill today, MAN and here is the kicker, if i do that, which is to say, the action of not taking a pill, I am do something.

I think that’s the beauty of not using. By doing nothing you are doing something.

From your post, it appears you have overcome some major stuff, I hope you keep coming around, I need your wisdom, hope and courage.

Peter!!!!! Welcome home brother, yeah it is bizarre how alike we are. I found that pain shared is pain lessened. You have found a really sweet spot to heal. Hope you come back.

love

189 Joe { 03.17.10 at 2:01 am }

Hey Now,

Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you.

I wanted to take a minute this morning and post about Hope. What an incredible thing this Hope is. It is more powerful than any pill I ever took, any fear I have ever felt, any shame I placed on myself, any guilt I imprisoned myself with.

I locked myself in a prison of dope, I did horrible things, I felt beyond aid. I thought dope would kill me.

Then it happened, one day a voice, so faint I could barely hear it amongst all the shouts of pain, anguish, fear, regret, loss, despair, sickness and insanity

It said, “please don’t use today, your gonna die, this shit is gonna kill you.

I kistened to, for just a minute, and I didn’t use. It was Hell, It was dark it was scary. I was in a place so hellish I could not get out. I was doomed. I mean really doomed.

But this Hope, it wouldn’t die, and As I listened to it it got just a little bit louder.

While I still am fearful, shame ridden and guilt stricken.

I HAVE HOPE

so do you….

I beg you, if you hear the voice of hope today…Give it a chance.

Oh and a Big Kiss to all my Irish girls out there.

Love

190 Joe { 03.27.10 at 2:25 am }

Hey Now,

I have decided that for the next week I would give a daily Post of my spiritual journey.

I have been praying and mediating the last 5 weeks, a Lenten journey. It has been painful, lonely and fearful. So has I enter into holy week.

I have decided to open my soul, to bear it all. I have no clue why? or where this will go.

Hope if you stumble across it, it carries some type of message.

Saturday–I arrive at the day before Palm Sunday in a state of despair, despair over all the wrong I’ve done in my life, all the pain I caused during my drug abuse, during the self centered life I lived.

I know that death was the end result of my lifestyle, except I did not die. On May 23, 2009 something happened.

I decided not to take a pill. And through a combination of all my efforts and an Amazing Grace, I have not taken one since. So…

Here I stand, on the eve of my journey to “Jerusalem”

The name “Jerusalem” is a compound of two Semitic roots, “s-l-m” meaning wholeness, peace,[17] harmony or completeness, and “y-r-h” meaning to show, direct, instruct, or teach. Jerusalem means “Abode of Peace,” “Teaching of Peace”, or “Whole or Complete Instruction”

I pray for courage, courage to move a little further..

I am not alone..

Ser You folks tomorrow.

Love

191 Joe { 03.28.10 at 3:02 am }

Palm Sunday–I am now in Jerusalem, In my mind and spirit.

It is crowded here, there seems to be two groups forming in my mind and my soul.

The Old guard if you will. The thoughts that say, “Dude your ugly, your never gonna amount to shit, your evil, your a sinner, your gonna burn in hell, wrapped in isolation, never amounting to anything.

‘All we care about is feeling good, forget this spiritual crap, does it really work, is there really some way to be reconciled with God, come on man your smarter than that.

You know what you have done, don’t rock this boat of emptiness and despair, it’s all you have ever know.

Your a loser brother, why bother.

And now this other group. This new radical group of thoughts that says.

“Wait a minute, Your alive, It’s getting warmer out, You have felt loved before, haven’t you. Do you think tomorrow might be better. Can’t you open your mind for a just a second. ”

“This is not some dogma being taught to you by some old priest, your not a scared kid doing wrong.”

“No, Joe your a man, a man who sinned, brother grab my hand feel it, Love is real, Hope will survive, blessings and miracles are waiting for you, why wont you trust me?

“Please come to my feast, I need you, more than you need me” There is work to be done, and joy and love to spread. It really is not bleak. Feel the surge of Joy as you imagine my love.

Yeah, the epic battle is at hand in my mind. I pray I don’t turn back now.

See You tomorrow.

192 Joe { 03.29.10 at 1:38 am }

Hey Now,

Monday, As I begin this week it dawned on me that all my thoughts are real, and they have such a power to them. They can kill me or provide me with hope.

But the one thing they can not do is well change me. The thoughts I think are not new, but old. There the same thoughts I have always had.

Is God Real?

Why am I evil or bad or depressed or selfish or scared?

Can I ever amount to anything?

What about Jesus?

These same old questions, the ones that always lead me nowhere.

I see now that these thoughts, questions and self centeredness are the walls of my prison, they keep me sick to some degree.

They keep my isolated, afraid and lonely.

I need a new question.

I think if the question does not change the answer won’t either.

My whole life I have asked does 2+2=4 (so to speak)

Yes it does, and it always will. No matter how I frame it and well and that question evidently and based on past results lacks the power I need to overcome my self.

So as I move through this week. I pray for a new question, one I have never asked myself before. One that only God can phrase in a way that unlocks the prison.

Dear God, What is it that you want to ask me? I beg you reveal that to me this week?

I must let go of the old questions now, they are done and will provide me with no freedom. I must seek a new way, a new journey.

Please release me from my past.

love

193 Joe { 03.30.10 at 1:42 am }

Hey Folks,
Tuesday and well I remain at that point. The point I seem to stay stuck at, The point where I realize all the wrong I have done and the lack of optimism for the future.

Maybe I am just getting older and hope for the future is something better suited a younger man, or perhaps I have damaged myself with all the years of abuse.

Or maybe this is as good as it gets.

Or maybe in spite of how I feel or what I think, this Power, this light moves me forward. Maybe the plans of the creator are at work.

I know this much. Something wakes me up every morning, something brings me to my daily prayer, something keeps me searching, asking, waiting.

I get the feeling that this love I seek is outside of my normal thoughts, my daily actions. Behind my fear and self loathing, behind my doubt and my regret.

Under my shame and beneath my guilt.

It must be, pulling me. Dragging me, Urging me on.

No, I can not see it, No I can not hear it, No I can not touch it.

Yet there it is, it woke me up again this morning. It let me know, that while you may not have 1 person or thing that understands you or seeks you out, I am with you.

I have been with you.

No Joe, you don’t have to ask a new question, you just have to trust.

Put just a little faith in me.

please.

I’ve got so much to show you.

Don’t worry about all the emptiness, the regret, the doubt, the pain.

See, brother I’m stronger than all that. More powerful than all that.

Just trust me enough to take one more step with me tomorrow. OK.

194 Joe { 03.31.10 at 2:33 am }

Good Morning-

Here we are on Wednesday -I remain in the darkness, I have begun to think this whole idea is crazy or insane. To search for a power that really is supernatural, beyond any human strength.

A power that can do all things, endure all things.

My whole life as been about running out, giving up, running away, escaping, avoiding.

Masking my fears, my worries, my pain.

I stand today exposed.

All my unbelief is out there to view. Every cry of the human side of me, the dark side.

That’s the thing isn’t it.

How could a guy like me be loved by GOD.

I know that I must let go of all the shaming dogma of the past.

All the shame that I have heaped on myself.

I need the help of God, to find God.

I grave the Light, I am obsessed by the Light, I seek it. It is my wish, my prayer.

As I move closer to you God, I ask you for the courage to not turn back.

To not return to the darkness. But to feel the warmth of your love.

It’s weird I have no trouble at all believing that you manifested your self in human form, that you taught the truth, saved many, healed many.

I also believe they nailed you on a cross, to keep the status.

It is the raising again I need help with. I guess that’s what I beg.

Let me trust in your power today.

Let me follow this radical new belief, don’t let me betray you, and nail you again to cross.

No this time it’s real. It’s everything I got, It’s my last roll of the dice.

All of me Lord, is driving forward to this point.

And the closer I get the more I feel or think.

It is out of my hands.

You are God. This is your world. You can condemn or release.

I will proclaim on faith at this moment.

Lord in spite of my sin, in spite of my self seeking, in spite of my fear, in spite of my doubt. in spite of my neglect.

I come before you. To serve, I guess I mean I have no idea what to do.

Show me, guide me help me.

195 Joe { 04.02.10 at 1:47 am }

Hey Folks,

Good Morning. For some reason I could not connect to this site on Thursday so I will tie Thursday and Friday together.

First, I must say this is the most insane, bizarre thing I might have ever done, to pour my soul out here. It is so selfish, so I do not know, stupid.

Two words come to my conscious this morning. Two words I heard together a long time ago, I’m not sure where I heard them

Prepare and Execute.

That I was told was a successful plan. And that problems in either one of these areas would lead to failure.

I guess that is where I am at now. I have been preparing .

The problem with letting go of the old Joe is that I have no idea what to do.

I can’t execute.

The only thing I can think to do, is well to keep doing what I have been doing.

Wake-up, pray some, work some. exercise some, make amends, pray some more and keep searching.

Maybe that is the execution part of the plan.

Maybe I won’t get hit with blazing flash of light, this moment where it all comes together in some insane moment of richness of joy and every dream fulfilled.

No maybe my gift is simply…The grace to make one more day.

Which if I am honest, is well, more than I deserve.

Please Lord keep me free from dope today. So that I maybe there for someone else.

196 Joe { 04.04.10 at 1:59 am }

Sunday Morning,

Hope-man what a force, what a power.

I think that is what I have narrowed this down to this week.

As I waded through all the insanity in my mind, as I fought through all the self pity, the fear, the prisons of my past.

Just as I awoke that day last May and stumbled over to my computer and begged for help.

Just as I have awaken every day sense.

I can not deny it, intellectualize or explain it.

This is my truth.

Something wakes me up, keeps me craving more awareness of it.

Something unshakable tells me, If you follow this way, good things will happen.

Maybe I am a dreamer.

But dreams die out eventually or they come true and our replaced with a new dream.

This Hope though it goes on and on.

Nothing can quiet it.

It is alive and powerful. Very Powerful.

If you do not want to take a pill today, if the answer as become the problem. If you have no idea how to get out from the situation your in. If you feel as though thee only thing life can offer is pain and misery.

I beg you…Think again.

I love this board and the folks who come here.

Thanks. And Peace be with you.

197 metoo { 04.04.10 at 2:47 pm }

And also with you, Joe…I love your posts!!!

198 LEAH { 04.07.10 at 4:41 am }

Ok, So this is day one for me. This is not the first time, but this time I have been taking A LOT more pills than ever before. I’ve taken pills for years, but in the past 5 months I have spent thousands of dollars on pills. My favorite of all are perc 10′s. I usually take between 15 and 20 of those a day and if I can’t get those I’ll get a couple oc 40′s or 80′s and will take 106mg of those or more. I can’t keep doing this. I have had 2 friends die of overdosing on oc’s and I keep telling myself that I’m not that bad and I wont let that happen, but i’m sure they didn’t think it was going to happen either.
I want to stop cold turkey. This is going to be difficult isn’t it?
Yes it is. Last time I stopped doing pills I did good for about a year and I don’t know what happened. But when I was off of them, I felt soooo good everyday. Much better than i feel when im taking them.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, so i am probably be here often just rambling about my situation. I have read a lot of the information on here and Im glad I did. I almost thought about trying suboxone, but after reading what everyone said I know that is not a good choice at all for me.
Hopefully once I get through this, I wont ever go back.

199 Joe { 04.09.10 at 1:30 am }

Welcome Leah,

I am here if you need anything. I know how really, really hard this is.

(and that is the understatement of the year)

Every pain, every thought, every restless minute. The darkness.

I have felt it.

The Good News, I survived it. And so can You.

Please, walk with me on this road out of the darkness.

You are not alone.

Joe

200 metoo { 04.09.10 at 7:21 am }

Joe, do you know the Peace Prayer of St. Francis?? As I was just reciting it in my head, you popped into my mind. This prayer fits you….just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you!! I love your posts..

201 Joe { 04.10.10 at 2:19 am }

Hi metoo,

I am very familiar with the prayer.

And thanks for the kind words, I’m just moving forward, but I am afraid, this road of change and newness is really scary.
I mean I have been in some of the sickest, scariest places on earth seeking drugs and none of that seemed to scare me as much as just being myself does.

Having encountered this divine Love, of which I am so unworthy of, I have no clue what to do next, you know.

I feel insane, like I really believe in this Loving God, This power actually loves me.

I mean it must right, it plucked me out of the despair. (again and again)

I pray every day that this Love won’t end, because well, I guess I need it now.

I was prompted to research more on Francis with whom I know, kinda.

I found this quote buried in a story about him

“I have been all things unholy. If God can work through me, he can work through anyone. ”

Now, that sounds about right.

I mean that’s what I am doing seeking to find the means to keep going, to keep my faith in Love alive.

I am lower than the least, so what the hell do I do.

Anyway, I hope you too keep posting , I sure you gotta a hell of a lot more to say than I do.

Have a nice weekend metoo, I hope to hear from you again.

love

202 Scarlet { 04.26.10 at 5:47 pm }

Joe, and everyone else,

You are amazing. Your strength is beautiful. Hang in there…one day at a time. You can do it!

203 Joe { 04.28.10 at 2:13 am }

Hi Scarlet,

Thanks for the kind words.

As much as I would life to take credit for surviving opiate addiction.

I can’t.

I stopped. God did the rest.

God really is my strength.

As you can see I was not some holy roller who came here.

I was beaten, beaten to the point of death.

So with nothing left to lose. I meekly geld out my hand. I mustered one last. Please help me.

Well, my hand was grabbed and I am happy to report he has not let go. Nor I am just as happy to proclaim have I pushed God away.

I have found a power a source a LOVE.

He just ask one thing.

That I tell you about him.

So I do.

If pills have taken over, you can if you REALLY want to STOP.

It ain’t easy.

However, if your a person like me.

Easy never turned me on anyway.

Love

204 Joe { 05.01.10 at 2:42 am }

A New Month,

A New Day.

A New Moment.

I Love New stuff.

Man, I Love being clean, I never, ever thought I would say that. ever.

Goes to show, you don’t ever know.

Please, if a voice is telling you, “I gotta stop this shit”

Listen to it.

No matter what your facing , No matter how difficult the path seems.

You DO NOT have to use.

I pray you will join me, strengthen me and keeping moving toward a Better way.

peace

205 Joe { 05.09.10 at 3:11 am }

Hey Now,

Just wanted to say Happy Mother’s Day. To any and all Mothers who come around.

May the peace of Christ find it’s way into your heart.

Just for today, I will not take a pill.

Keep on Growing

206 joe { 05.23.10 at 3:51 am }

Good Morning,

I realize that this site is designed to provide information, life saving, life altering information.

Well, it does exactly that.

One year ago this very morning, I lay in my bed, near death. I had taken pills as far as you could without giving your life to them.

As I came to that morning, groggy, sick, afraid, wanting to die. I heard a little voice, it was so far buried I couldn’t tell if I had heard it.

It said, if you keep using you will die.

I thought to myself “who cares”

The problems in my life were so great, I had no clue how I was going to get out of the mess I was in.

So, I prayed.

Nothing earth shattering, just a simple.

Please, Help me.

And the next thing I know, 2 days later I find this place.

So this morning, full of love and hope and faith.

I say THANK YOU ADAM.

For saving my life,

for changing the future of my 2 lovely daughters and forever altering the course of the world.

And you thought you were creating a blog.

Brother you were altering the world.

I pray many more find there ay here and join us.

Welcome my friends to the New World.

Remember.

If you do not wish to die from pills.

There is a road out.

I am on it.

Waiting for company.

Love,
Joe

207 joe { 06.05.10 at 6:32 am }

Some Thoughts on The Journey.

Life after opiates is so different, than I rationalized it would be.

When I was high would try to think of life without pills, it was just this gnawing , it never would leave me.

I guess I envisioned a life of pain and misery without pills.

Where would I get the energy.

How would a deal with the daily grind.

And my problems, man did I have problems.

Well, it’s now been awhile since I took a pill.

Some things are has I thought.

There is pain, physical, and emotional.

There is regret.

There is fear.

I would never suggest these things are not present. They are.

However, that is not the whole story. There is so much more, yeah so much more.

There is the relationship I have with God now, it came outta nowhere, it began slowly and it grows, deeper and more meaningful everyday.

This is so different than I ever thought it would be.

For me, and for the first time in my whole life. I have an honest relationship with someone who knows everything about me.

I could never quantify it’s meaning to me.

I am in Love with a God I used to hate. Hate with a passion.

I have no idea how this happened.

And the joys.

And the sounds

And the smells

And the colors

And Nature

And Man

And everything else that I had forgotten existed.

Love is Real.

I mean that.

I stake my life on it.

Love

208 joe { 06.21.10 at 2:07 am }

Hey Now,

First day od Summer,

I hope that if you have found this board, and are seeking a way out of the madness, that you will give yourself a break.

Beating myself up over my addiction is truely a futile proccess or activity.

Yet I find myself doing that lately.

Isolating, seperating.

Staying to my thoughts, my prayers, my worries my pain.

I’m pretty sure, I was not created to be alone.

So I thought I would swing by the old neighborhood here and let you guys know I love you and I need you.

Enjoy

209 metoo { 06.21.10 at 9:28 am }

Hey, Joe, how long have you been “sober” now? I think pretty soon you could start giving yourself a big big big pat on the back instead of beating yourself up….at some point, we just have to stop and give ourselves credit where credit is due…just a thought!

210 joe { 06.22.10 at 2:11 am }

Hey Now,

I have been clean since May 23, 2009.

So that is a year and 1 month.

I have resumed living, I work, pray, exercise, make ammends, make my self available for others.

And I her you metoo, at some point I do need to move beyond the regret and the pain I inflicted.

It just seems to linger around.

I need a new burst of excitment or hope.

I don’t know hwere it will come from, or what it will be.

I am praying for it .

Thanks

211 metoo { 06.22.10 at 5:27 am }

Then I will pray for it too, Joe!! I will pray for it, because you need to feel total forgiveness….and each of us puts such a big load of guilt on ourselves~~You KNOW that God has forgiven you, yet you haven’t forgiven yourself. I will pray for the “new burst” for you, my friend!!!

Personally, I think you’re FANTASTIC. Big hugs to you…

212 joe { 06.24.10 at 2:43 am }

Hey Now,

Thank you so much MeToo.

I have found that this road is filled with so much joy.

Sometimes you just gotta look for it.

Like I say.

I have done all things unholy, yet God still loves me.

In fact he always did.

Always will.

Every day I get better.

Everyday I grow.

Here is to keep on Growing.

How is life treating you MeToo?

You feeling allright.

213 steph { 07.02.10 at 7:21 am }

Hey all, I am addicted. ( Vicodin) I currently dont have any right now and I am seriously afraid that withdrawal is going to kill me. Will it?

214 Joe { 07.06.10 at 1:45 am }

Hey Steph,

Welcome,

I am not a Dr. I have however gone through withdrawl several times.

It never killed me, but it felt like I was dying.

Do you have a Dr. or Detox in your area where you can get some medical attention.

Support of any type.

Please keep us informed.

And please remember, you only have to go through it once.

Peace

215 Joe { 07.20.10 at 12:35 am }

Good Morning Folks,

I stopped by to see if anyone needed a hand.
Looks fairly quiet.
I hope that’s a good thing.
Thinking of every single scared, worried sick person out there.
Praying that today is the day.
The first day of the new you.
If you don’t want to tak a pill today,
GREAT NEWS.
You do not have to,

Love

216 Joe { 08.17.10 at 1:57 am }

Hi Guys,

Up early this morning, enjoying life without the use of drugs.

Now, that is something right there.

I continue to Hope that any person, who woke up tofay knowing that pill or whatever were turning them into someone they no longer knew or liked.

That you reach out.

There is a like after dope.

If there wasn’t I would tell you.

Trust me.

No one doubted the abiility of drug free living more than I.
Yet, I am clean today.

Give it a shot,

What do you have to lose?

Peace

217 metoo { 08.30.10 at 3:41 pm }

Hey, Joe…
I just want you to know that I admire you. Your strength, your weakness, your honesty, your humility. Thank you for sharing so much of YOU in these posts over the course of about 15 months. You have affected more lives than you know, my friend.

When you get to the pearly gates of Heaven, I am puttin’ ten bucks on The Good Lord saying to you, “Well done, Joe….you touched lives…in a positive way. Well done, my faithful servant…”

That’s all I know…just wanted to share my thoughts. (And I’m behind you with 4 months clean.) :)

218 Joe { 09.01.10 at 1:47 am }

Thank You.

I miss comming here everyday and posting. It was such a vital part of me last summer.
I felt much more involved in life.
While the seas have settled somewhat and the path I am climbing a little less bumpy.
I know in my heart that it is still an uphill journey.

So if you folks don’t mind me takeing up some space here I will for the month set a goal of daily where I am at posting.

Hope It helps.

Day 1.

I woke up this morning and my first thought was Thank you God, it just popped in my head, it does that now. It is really cool.
Amazing.

I got up.

Poured a cup of coffee

I get up really early so I can spend this sacred time with addicts trying to get clean.

It seems to be where I find God hanging around.

In my life things are going reasonably well.

I am no longer under the authorization of any court or parole or probation department.

I am a Free man.

By the grace of a Loving God I was given this gift.

Freedom.

I will never relinquish it again.

I love all the people comming here, searching, trying, fighting to get their life back.

I know it can be done.

Living clean Is a REALITY.

While it is not perfect. I have now reached a place where I do not wish it to be,

I really enjoy being human.

with all it’s flaws.

See you cats tomorrow.

219 joe { 09.02.10 at 1:07 am }

Hey Now,

Day 2–I just woke up and did the morning routine,

Cup of Coffee

Time with God

Read the sports

Check in on other addicts on another board

Got ready for work.

Now that may seem boring or humdrum to some.

However for me. It is the answer to every prayer, every wish, every disire. Well, most desires.

I am an addict after all.

Right now in life I am working on bring myself. I have

discovered who I really am. On this journey

I am a human

With some good traits

and so not so good traits.

What I tryying to learn is not to exgarrate either the good and bad in me.

Or the good and bad in you.

Just keeping it real.

Searching for the joy, and not denying it.

It such a long long way from where I was.

Please if you want to get off pills , give it a shot I need the company, man for real.

Love
And while ther are things about I

220 joe { 09.02.10 at 1:11 am }

Please excuse these unedited, spell checked posts, I am on a new laptop, and I just can not get spellcheck to work in firefox on this baby.

So as you can see, my mind still goes faster than my fingers.

I’m working on it.

Thanks

221 Joe { 09.04.10 at 12:35 am }

Day 3

Some thoughts on today as I am posting at the end of the day rather than the beginning.

It was a long day today.

Work, Cleaned the house, Oldest daaugther gone over a freinds.

Youngest daughter invited a friend over.

Busy, yeah that;s how life is thes days busy.

I remember when the whole pill thing started for me.

I had quit using other drugs and booze pretty much, they were to sloppy.

This left me so mental tired all the time that I felt I needed something, something to jeep up or get a head.

Then I met pills and they just fit, you know.

No mess, intially.

Legal perscription (now that’s a seperate issue)

Psitive effect.

What I failed to grasp early on was thhe dependence factor.

SHit, I had done hard drugs, this is a pill.

It’s like not using.

I’ll tell you what, nothing hit me in the soul body and mind like pills.

They creep in so slowly,

They take over so completely.

Letting go of them is insanely hard.

However, It can ve done.

That biggest problem, the impossible situation has become.

My greatest achievement, my biggest accomplishment.

Yes God does provide all the power I was ever looking for.

All the love I ever needed.

All the joy I ever wanted.

All the hope I ever prayed for.

All the direction I ever lacked.

All the reason I needed to have.

I live for God, these days.

A God I hated, or did not believe in, or daubted cared about me at all.

Showed up, wait I mean he never left.

Because the second I turned to him he was there.

Love is waiting, folks.

Trust me.

Love

222 Joe { 09.05.10 at 1:24 am }

Day 4

The thing to keep in mind when you make a descion to quit using, I found is that while you no longer are taking the pills, your mind and body still mess with you. More so at the very beginning, but to this day they still do.

If you can somehow understand that a part of you is well broken, then for me at least, I obtained enough release to make 1 day without a pill.

I know deep in my heart the type of guy I am.

I love people.

I love God.

I enjoy doing the right thing.

I also fully understand that some things, which I know will not benefit me in the long run, feel really good in the moment.

I also understand I have basic instincts.

God, the hell I went through while using, the sick shit I did, the unspeakable degradation of my spirit man I’ll tell you some days that pain is so real, so overwhelming.

The only thing I have found that can ease that pain.

Is me following a routine of physical, mental and spirtual exercise daily.
I am very committed to this lifestyle, yet I have not somehow magically forgot the pleasure drugs and defects bring.

I just wake up and beg for the Grace to realize that while the quick fix of a pill is real.

The Joy and Love of living a clean lifestyle is better.

Or as Springsteen says.

Faith will be Rewarded.

I keep praying God brings folks into my life to share thier gifts with me.

Please if you want to stop the hell of opiate addiction you can, together we can climb out of all the hell we have been in.

I know pain shared is pain lessened.

And Joy shared is Joy expanded.

I love you guys.

223 Joe { 09.06.10 at 12:20 am }

Day 5

I started to get that voice in my head, the one that says “Hey don’t keep posting your annoying everyone, and it is so self riteous.

Maybe it is.

I will state for the record that this is my belief on getting clean.

Grace starts the process.

A tiny thought, a deep yearning, a life circumstance, physical problem, leagle issue.

This Grace will say “Drugs are killing you”

Then I respond. I either ignore, the grace. Or I accept the grace.

Scary choice.

I guess that’s why Jesus would always say “Do not Be Afraid:.

In just such situations.

So I will keep posting, I do so only to let folks no, there is truely.

LIFE AFTER DOPE.

That is my message.

That is The Good News.

Any person sick as shit of what dope as done and wants to stop is my brother and my sister.

I Love you Guys

224 Joe { 09.07.10 at 1:32 am }

Day 6

Letting Go. (I dislike that term, but I don’t have a better one so)

That seems to be where I am at in life right now.

Letting go of all the hurt.

Letting go of all the guilt.

Letting go of all the shame.

Letting go of my old ideas.

I am trying to open my mind and heart to a new reality.

One where love and forgiveness is possible.

Where perfection is strived for but never obtained.

Where it is ok to be who you really are.

I have tried every possible solution, yet I stay torn somewhat. between the old me and the new me.

I hope just for today.

The real me is OK.

My goal in life now is to be ok with me.

I pray the Holy spirit can help me with this.

I have no clue where else to turn.

Back to work for me.

Still at the poultry. Trying to be of service.

Love

225 Joe { 09.08.10 at 1:58 am }

Day 7

Love

That is the overwhelming force I get just logging into this site.

Today, I will go through the routine of life.

With one termendous difference.

I will not rely on a pill to make it through.

No instead I will rely on God. Love People around me. Quiet prayer. Helping out someone else.

Even if it is just a smile.

I think I am starting to believe I mean really believe.

I am not all bad, no one is.

I gotta lighten up.

Life is to short.

Be anxious for nothing.

All will be provided.

For the record, since my decision to stop pills. I have not been in a cop car, jail cell, I have not missed a meal, nor stoled something, lied to someone,or missed out on something positive for the sake of dope.

AMAZING.

Love

226 Joe { 09.09.10 at 2:15 am }

Day 8

Growing

That is what I am up to.

It is going slowly, but for the first time in my life I am not in a hurry.

Easy does it.

The thing I remember most about stopping pills was the agony, the first few days, the insanity, the hoplessness, the sleeplessness,the worry.

It was way too much.

I have only God to thank.

I am reaching a point now where reason has carried me to the brink.

The brink of actual belief.

Actual Power.

Actual Change.

Faith will decide the rest.

Please holy spirt give me the gift of faith.

227 Joe { 09.10.10 at 2:21 am }

Day 9

This day I reach out to those who stumble across this site, who have tried to stop taking dope hundreds of times, only to reach a point where they could not take it and went back to using.

Keep on trying.

Don’t give up.

It can be done.

Give yourself a break.

That is the amazing thing about it.

Stopping is hell. pure hell. I would not wish it on my worst enemy, ever.

Addiction sucks.

But

And it is Big one.

You don’t have to use.

Really, I mean it.

Not today.

You can stop.

I never believed it was possible.

I was wrong.

Please, I beg you, if you want to stop taking pills. Post.

Start today.

There is no better day.

I am here.

Not taking dope today.

I need company.

Love

228 Joe { 09.12.10 at 1:05 am }

Day 10

One of the reason I could never quit taking dope, was because I had nothing else, or so I believed to help me.

I viewed the word as a cold place.

Void of Joy.

That if I was gonna have fun, or enjoy it (life) well then I needed something beside myself to do it.

So when I would stop life would suck, my mind would be obsessed with how bad things sucked.

I would try for awhile to find stuff to occupy my time.

But I always went back to dope.

And Dope always made shit worse eventually.

This time I just ruled out the possiblility that dope was a solution.

It is not for me anyway.

Once that was not an option and I made my goal, To Feel Better, I started getting directed to stuff that made me feel better.

I never really knew God.

I only thought of myself and trying to feel good.

I thought once I felt good, I could then be fun for you.

I was and still am a selfish guy.

I just keep praying to God that he melt the coldness in my heart.

Progress, not perfection.

If your tired of all the hassle of dope and the colateral issues.

And if when you take the dope away life appears to be one big mess, hurt and problem.

I say.

Hi, I’m Joe I know what you mean.

Love

229 metoo { 09.12.10 at 7:25 am }

Hi, Joe!
I just wanted to say hello to you, and let you know that I come here almost everyday to read about what you’ve been up to. I think you’re great, and I just wanted you to know that. Have a great day!! :D

230 Joe { 09.13.10 at 2:03 am }

Day 11

Just for Today.

Pills played a pivitol role in my day for a long time.

In fact, my whole day.

So when I stopped using them. I was empty.

The thing about it, that was a real sweet place to be.

I could choose how I was going to fill up the new Joe.

I had gained a great deal of hard learned experience, over 30 years of addiction.

Once the physical pain, sickness and hurt subsided I began to feel such emotional worry, anxiety and depression.

Those were the very things I was taking the pills to treat or rather avoid.

So I had to find a new treatment.

I took it real slow, that was the first thing I learned in my new life.

That feeling of urgency or running out of dope.

It was a false emotion.

I slowed down, That is not to say I did nothing.

I just tackeled the most life threating problem first.

Taking pills was going to kill.

So I focused on not taking pills.

Then I reached out, to others.

So two very important things I learned in the first week.

1. Do Not take Pills.

2. I Need Other People.

Should I mess up and forsake other people then I will take pills.

Or

If I take pills I will forsake other people.

Today-No Pills

Today-Interact with others.

Love

231 metoo { 09.13.10 at 6:37 am }

Hi, Joe!
I just wanted to say hello to you, and let you know that I come here almost everyday to read about what you’ve been up to. I think you’re great, and I just wanted you to know that. Have a great day!!

232 Joe { 09.14.10 at 1:27 am }

Day 12

Thank you for the kind words Metoo. I will cling tightly to them today. They are indeed special for me.

I am honored that you are on this road with me.

I pray you will stay.

And together, we can get better.

Better is pretty much my goal today.

Of course my idea of Better has changed alot.

Today i want better personal relationships.
A clearer connection with God.

And better fun.

Pills are not fun.

People are fun.

Here is to a great day, filled with the search, the search for a peace that once obtained might linger.

Love

233 Joe { 09.15.10 at 2:19 am }

Day 13

My thoughts on opiate withdrawl.

Really hard, insanely so.

The real scary part of the process for me wasn’t the terror or hell of stopping.

I just would stop.

The real terror would be when I would give up and start taking them again.

Sometimes immediately after the first pill.

I guess deep down I knew that they were not goning to help matters at all.

I just well needed them.

That absoulte terror of being hopelessly strung out on them, living for them, man it is unthinkable, or unbearable.

That’s why for me at least I keep connected with people just comming off dope,

My mind you see will forget just how sick I was those first few days.

But it will never forget the horror of here we go again.

I realize living dope free is challenge and I get lonely and I hurt physically and emotionaly.

But if you piled all the crap I deal with clean. And put it up against the horror of needing pills.

Well we are talking about two different worlds now.

Pills is an animal exsistence for me, survival.

At least clean I got a possible shot at stuff like Peace, Hope and Love.

I can function on a human level.

Making some type of progress toward feeling good about myself.

Please God spare me from the final stages of active addiction.

Keep my close as I try to learn to live the life I was created for.

Have patiance with me.

I love you guys,

Love

234 Kitty Mom { 09.15.10 at 3:24 am }

Hi Joe thank you for the opportunity to hear your story and read about your successes and trials and tribulations. Today is day four for me. Yesterday I was very pleased and up doing things but last night was a living hell. I am following Thomas Recipe without any xanex for sleep and last night I was so very tired but the anxiety in my chest was terrible and when I did sleep, I was dreaming of the pain I was in – so I hope today is equally successfull and tonight is a little better. Sounds like life will be different without the pills – i relied on them every day just to make it outside the house and also inside the house but I was getting to the point where the pills were the only thing I was worried about and I would veg out while at home and do absolutely nothing. So here’s to you Joe for success in beating this demon and to me following in your footsteps to quit.

235 metoo { 09.15.10 at 2:43 pm }

And to add on to Kitty Mom, may God bless us all as we walk this path together, and may we be better people and be more willing to help others (as Joe has done and is doing) along the way!

Kitty Mom, hang in there~tonight WILL be better for you. My prayers of support are with you, and all the others of us on this journey. You WILL get there!!! :)

236 metoo { 09.15.10 at 7:15 pm }

P.S. I love you, Joe!!! I am so proud of you. Keep walking…keep helping others…you ARE making a difference. You have made a difference in my life. Thank you, my friend!!!!

237 Joe { 09.16.10 at 1:53 am }

Day 14

Welcome Kitty Mom. What a true honor it is to meet you. I know excatly how you feel, the pain, the worry, the sleeplessness. Nothing even comes remotely close tho the change you are going through.

However, I HAVE GREAT NEWS. IT GETS BETTER!!!!!!!!!

I mean it.

That is the AMAZING thing.

Life is waiting for you, Help is Here. The wait is over. You are not alone, I am right there with you.

Metoo, The fact that you are here with me is my reward. That I actually get to interact with someone of your calibar, well I can not express how lucky that makes me feel.

You are my friend, I am with you everyday, I pray we continue this journey together.

Keep in touch, please. I Need you. Really.

No matter what, folks, No matter what.

Here is to a special day filled with the hope, the hope to smile, to feel alive and to make it through.

Love

238 Joe { 09.16.10 at 1:56 am }

PS—-For Kitty Mom. I know this thread is long, so I cut and pasted my post from day 4 which seems like yesterday but was back in May 2009.

Well it is now Tuesday Day 4 still no sleep and the fear is my driving emotion, the fear that I really can not stop, that I will die from this(active drug use) I have two great kids 11 and 8 a wife who as put up with my shit.

I have lost all self-worth, and all hope. I was helped by this blog and so a will not use today no matter what, I have tried everything, rehabs, jails, moves, new jobs, nothing has ever worked.

I have been using for 30 years–started drinking at 13 and am now 43. The last 6 years have been a steady diet of Vicodin, Xanax, Soma and Morphine. Various amounts daily usually whatever I had. I have gone cold turkey 100 times over the years, but never make it more than a few days. I never want to be sick again. I am done, I can not use and live.

Peace

239 Kitty Mom { 09.16.10 at 2:17 am }

Joe – wow this time you have made it so far and are such an inspiration to me and it is an honor to meet you also. This is day 5 for me and I actually slept all night last night with no restless legs and a lot less chest anxiety. I feel over the worst. Of course I am afraid I do not know who I am anymore I was so dependent on the feelings from the drugs. But, I am looking forward to finding out and spendiong time with my daughter (26 years old and married) and my husband who has been very supportive. Your words make me feel hope so I thank you for that and wish you all the very best in this journey. Love and prayers to all of you….

240 Joe { 09.17.10 at 1:38 am }

Day 15-

A mid point reflection.

Back when I first got clean(this time). I was so sick, so scared, so lost.

I really believed it was the end.

And so it was.

I always thought that of all the amazing things I had read about God doing, creation was the most over the top. Right like in 7 days this force created everything.

Nice story, right.

Well. I thing got personally introduce to what his really amzing Power is.

In spite of how sick I was. I have been given the Creators greatest gift.

See, I have discovered it is not creation that express his love today.

It is recreation.

I am being recreated every second of every day.

That is real, that is true.

If it can happen for me, It can happen for you.

Just for day.

Just for this minute.

No Dope.

Love

241 Kitty Mom { 09.17.10 at 2:33 am }

Hi Joe your words give me courage – 5th day was great felt like I was normal but 5th night was again a struggle. Sleep is a struggle and I so want to be able to have a peacefull nights rest. Some of it could be me being a woman and of the age I am – maybe this is normal – I hope not. No desire ever to go back on pills – not after this! Love to all of you and keep me in your prayers as I do you.

242 Stu { 09.17.10 at 7:59 am }

I really like this web site/blog. I am on day three of hydro withdrawal and it has been hell. I took 20 mg Ambien last night to help with the shakes and try and get some sleep. That’s twice my recommended dose and I justified it since I thought I would jump out of my skin. Other than that I am cold turkey, not nothing. My question is whether I should cut that does off completely tonight or go ahead and take it. I can’t describe how uncomfortable I was, everybody here knows it already anyway. My big problem is that it feels like I am hooked up to some electric generator that shocks me at random times every minute or so. Especially my upper body. It doesn’t happen during the day, just when I lay down at night. This is about my third bad detox. Somewhere in this site I read it gets worse coming off this stuff. That has sure been my experience.
Thanks again for all your sharing guys.

243 Kitty Mom { 09.18.10 at 5:12 am }

Hi Everyone – today is day 7 – one week of a strange journey into a new self – Had a friend over and my Mom yesterday and sat and talked for hours and then went to the store for groceries. Out of the house with no pills – in the house with no pills. How exciting to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel – even though it is a long tunnel. I slept last night even though it was a struggle still but managed 6 or 7 hours getting up at 9:00.
Elli – you out there…let me know how you are doing and Joe keep on posting your success. You are inspiration for me each and every day. Take care and have a pill free weekend. I am going back to work on Monday so hope that goes well and I want to go to Church tomorrow to thank the Lord for getting me through this so far. Haven’t been in a while!
Love to all

244 Joe { 09.18.10 at 3:16 pm }

Day 16–

The thing i would stress is, Go easy on yourself, Take it easy.

Basic stuff helped me alot.

A walk, A prayer. Coming here.

Typing a few words.

Gather information.

This is your life.

One important lesson I learned is that even though people around us Love us.

No one can do your time for you.

When jail enters the picture or prison or the homeless shelter or the insane hospital, which if you are addicted seems to occurr, It’s you in there.

Be clean just for today, just for this minute. For you.

Do it, not because of how bad things are but for how good it gets,

both you kitty and Stu, you make it all worthwhile, every second I sweated it out, all the sleeplessness sll the trouble.

Well now I get the honor of being here to stretch out my hand.

This path isn’t perfect, far from it.

It is without a doubt the Best Life I have ever known.

Peace be with you all

245 Joe { 09.19.10 at 2:35 am }

Day 17

So my 30 day reconnect is beginning to bear some really good fruit.

Some mild Blahs I had begun to experience are gone.

I feel totaly renewed.

Life is so precious so awesome.

So much beauty awaits those starting this journey, Just hang in there.

The cry to use gets strong in those early days.

But i have learned me taking a pill is a symptom.

Kind like coughing, while coughing is a problem.

There is something making you cough.

One thing that kept me going back to pills was this deep feeling that I was just a bad seed, man.

But i now believe this to be true.

Addiction is a disease, at least active addiction is.

And where there is disease, free will does not work.

So I wasn’t choosing to be bad, or do bad stuff. I had no choice.

The miracle is that Today. The loving God of the universe has trusted me enough to restore my free will.

This is by far the greates GIFT, I could have ever been giving.

The ability to choose.

The freedom to be right or wrong.

Man Freedom, it is where it is at.

Love

246 metoo { 09.19.10 at 7:41 pm }

Joe, keep up the great work. YOU INSPIRE!! Kitty Mom and everyone else here, please know that you are in my daily prayers. When I awake in the night, I pray for all of us traveling this road. Me and a whole bunch of friends whom I’ve never met, but have connected with on this path. Keep walking everyone! We will get there….there’s a light up ahead!

Hugs to all!!

247 Kitty Mom { 09.20.10 at 1:31 am }

Here I am dressed and ready to drive to work on this my 9th day with no pills – wish me luck. I think I can do it…I have to. Been laying around this house too long now and have to get back to life. I slept last night – was so tired I went to bed at 8:30. tossed and turned each time I woke up, but had more sleep than the past week. There is light at the end new folks on here. It gets better each day. Just make up your minds when to start and keep coming on here. We are all listening to your stories and praying for you.
Love and prayers to all of yoi
Kitty Mom
9 days pills free

248 Stu { 09.20.10 at 5:32 am }

I made it through the weekend. Today is day six. I had really hoped the shakes would stop last night but still vibrated quite a bit in bed. I ended up taking 5 mg Ambien (1/2 dose) to help me go to sleep. I rarely took those things, the script is from January 2010. They tend to make me depressed. But with out them there would be NO hope for any sleep. As it is I feel like I fought with a gorilla all night when I woke up. I am tired and weary. Hopefully this will start to subside and eventually go away. You guys are an inspiration, especially you Joe. I can’t hear enough that this will end. It just can’t come soon enough. I have been praying and meditating a lot and that has helped some of the personal stuff I am going through, and hopefully will bring some peace. I appreciate the suggestion to relax too. I have been telling myself that in my meditations. I tend to want to start living my life like nothing happened with this withdrawal. Like it was all a bad dream. Trouble is the dream is not over, not near over. I have to make it past withdrawal and detox before I can start living “normally” again. Truthfully my normal may not be such a good ideal anyway. It’s time for some change.

Good luck to all out there trying to get clean.

249 Joe { 09.21.10 at 12:47 am }

Day 18—-

Response.

I want to thank Stu, Metoo and Kittymom. You folks are so wonderful, so precious.

I would not been clean today it folks like you guys were not out here.

The choice to stop I believe now is a personal one.

But it is a response.

Just like taking the pills were a response.

In my situation, I was tired of hard drugs, to much drama, I was tired of Booze, to sloppy. Pills well, I thought they were some how manageable.

Really I was just a dude in the final stages of a disease that kills.

Of course first it strips you of everything worthwhile in life.

Then it kills you.

Often times I would quit.

Only to start again.

The only thing I now about the starting and stopping pattern is.

It is a lie.

On several levels.

One-I think it will not be worse. (it always was)

Two-Who gives a shit if I use. (A lot of really great people)

Three-I can not function without them (I fuction so much better without them) In every area no exceptions.

Four-I can stop anytime (The biggest Lie of all, The truth is you never know which dose is going to KILL you)

Each and everytime I picked back up, I was responding to a lie.

I see that now, I did not then.

I just wanted the pain to stop, or to feel that energy again.

I was responding.

Responding to a part of my brain.

A damaged part.

Today I know my addict brain very well.

It has a voice.

It roars, It lies, It never sleeps. It is locaated in my pleasure center. It only cares about survival.

It will kill.

It will steal.

It dosen’t feel, but it controls my feelings.

Should I pick up pill today, I am simply responding to the call of the beast.

BUT WAIT, there is another voice, a timy little whisper, so faint I can barely hear it, it is there behind the pain, the guilt, the shame, the loss, the hurt, the desire for dope, the agony.

It is saying DO NOT USE.

Where is that voice coming from.

Why is it there.

All I know is that, one day i decided to listen to that voice.

The quiet one, the one that came out of nowhere.

The one that spoke to me back in May of 09.

In a bed, on the floor.

To sick to get up.

To sick to take care of myself.

To sick to live.

It said.

Get Up Man…..

So I got up.

I responded to that cry,

It called me this morning.

It calls me every morning.

It get louder everyday.

It is LOVE.

If you have found your way to the bottom of a mile long thread, on an obscure website, in the midsts of the total collapse of your life.

I will gather, you to have heard the voice.

Just respond to it,

Let LOVE know you desire it.

You deisre it more than the empty failed promise of dope.

It will amaze you.

Like I say these days.

It ain’t easy.

But easy never turned me on.

Love

250 Stu { 09.21.10 at 5:51 am }

Start day seven. I stopped using the Ambien last night and the shakes were a lot worse than they have been. I guess it was minimizing them, although you could have fooled me. I just decided to pay the price now in insomnia rather than wait and have it worse later. Shakes be damned. It was not a comfortable night, but I did finally get to sleep, I guess. This morning I actually feel worse physically than after day four and five. Mentally it’s better. The fog is starting to lift and I have a glimmer of optimism.

Thanks for your post Joe. It helps. What you write is so true. Taking dope is a big lie. It’s also an illness for addicts like me. I like, and will abuse, anything that makes me feel sleepy. So much the more if it makes me feel good, like hydrocodone. Trouble is it takes more and more. Pretty soon I can’t live without it, and I can’t stop (at least without going through this hell).

The small quiet voice has sure tried to talk to me. Only recently have I listened. It’s saying some other stuff too. Like be honest.

A friend of mine told me several months ago that if I don’t like feeling guilty, then stop doing the things that make me feel that way. WOW what a revelation. Trouble is I didn’t listen to her. What I did do (finally a couple of days ago) is ask God to show me a different perspective on my life and the situation I have been dealing with. Those problems that the hydro’s helps me deal with, not in a healthy way, but made the pain and guilt go away. I need to get rid of that problem along with the dope. It’s self inflicted, if that makes sense. At any rate, boy did He ever give me a that new perspective. It took a few hours after I prayed for it, but a thought came to me and it was like a kick in the head. I did not like it, but it was truth. I am acting on that now. It’s not related directly to HC withdrawal and recovery so I will spare you guys details. Suffice to say if those things that keep me up at night don’t get stopped or toned down I will use again. The new perspective and action on that is a good start.

I went to an AA meeting at a buddy of mines house last night. It was a men’s only, by invite. We read “A Vision for you” and discussed it. The support there helped a lot. It just reinforced what I already knew. That I need to take some action, change my behavior and my mind will follow. Trust God and help others. The trust God has been the hard part. Maybe this withdrawal, humbling and painful as it has been, can motivate me to change and finally let Him be the director. Not try to manage things on my own so much anymore. It sure has the last week. That may be the one good thing about facing down this beast. I know I can’t do it alone.

251 Kitty Mom { 09.21.10 at 1:19 pm }

Hi everyone – Kitty Mom here
Day 10
Feeling PEACE
Feeling Normal
Feeling like the living hell from last week is ended
I good place to be and I praise GOD for allowing it.
I realize that I was living my life numb
I realize that I was living my life on the edge of the law
I realize this is because I was addicted and lost sense of my true self
I am feeling fear lately of getting caught for the things I did like doctor shopping and sleezy internet doctors and one unscrupulous pharmacy that kept giving me refills from a phony doctor….can you believe it! (They are under investigation but supposedly the patients are not). I wish I could erase the past few years and all the records at all the places I received these pills – but I cannot so I just have to hope for the best and thank God that I quit taking the pills before I ended in jail.
I love you all and please hang in there and let us pray for each other’s hope, sanity, and recovery.

I feel normal again – praise the Lord and all my friends here!
Kitty Mom

252 Joe { 09.22.10 at 1:40 am }

Day 19-

WOW, WOW, WOW!!!!!!!!!

Thank you so much Stu and Kitty. You guys are so incredible.

The first days of withdrawl are so very, very painful.

My God, I haven’t a clue how I got through it.

Fact 1–I did.

I was reading both of your posts and I can completely identify with both of them word for word.

The Insominia was the WORST!!!!!

I found that exercise was my only way out.

I needed to walk.

I walked a block. Then two.

I did a push-up then two.

I cut the grass and sweated.

By week 3 I quit my old job and took a new one.

It was far more physically demanding than I could handle.

I came home every night so tired and sore I cried.

I worked with a bunch of cats who had done long stretchs in the Pen.

The wouldn’t let me quit.

The kept pushing me.

Today these guys are very dear friends of mine.

They saved my life.

I love them.

I still work at the same place, although I no longer do the labor intensive job I did over a year ago.

I got promoted a few months back. My new job is sweet, very sweet. I dig it.

For 1 year I dumped 100 lbs tubs of chicken brest into 2000 lbs vats. No stop 10 hours a day.

It required no thought, pure muscle. It also relased everyday endorphins and seratonin and dopamine. The same stuff opiates were releasing artifically, they began to be released naturally.

This took some time. To get used to.

But now, physical exercise is as important a part of day as dope was.

I need it everyday.

Start man.

Start slow.

But start.

Kitty that mental worry and anxiety and regret also lessens. Everyday.

I have learned once your out of the pill game, the folks caught up in it actiivly, the users, dealers, cops..well they kinda go on without you.

I would be surprised if any of them reached out to you.

And if you had the courage to tell them “I don’t use” “I’m clean, want to hang out”. They would probably have a reason they couldn’t.
Cops got alot going on to, So unless you decide to rejoin the game, I wouldn’t worry to much about it.

Of course it does make a great reason to pop a pill…

All the worry.

When I got clean I was on probation for 3 charges and staring down a fresh case.

Today, I am on no paper what’s so ever. It has been about 30 years since I could say that.

And the more I become spirutally minded the more I realize everyone is pretty much damaged and guilty of something.

So my past really isn’t that unique, and by no means a reason to not apply myself today.

Look at all you Have. Not at What you did.

Like they told me, it isn’t important where your coming from, it is important where your going.

Stay on the path, sister we need you.

You can survive anything without dope.

Really.

Using just wasn’t working for me. I could not stop until Not Using became my focus.

Today NOT USING is my number 1 priority.

As for the life dramas, STU, I know what you mean.

Easy does it my friend.

Shit works out.

Just like it is designed to.

Just don’t use. Just for today.

More will be revealed

LOVE,
Joe

253 Stu { 09.22.10 at 5:53 am }

Start day eight. First off I want to thank you Joe for some outstanding posts. I re-read yesterdays, and went back to your Day 13, which really struck a chord with me. Thanks a lot for coming back to this thread. There is so much there (at 13) that I can relate to. The terror of picking up the pills again for one. I went through a bad withdrawal back in 04. I was buying some of my hydro’s online I can relate to your paranoia Kitty Mom. Bless your heart. I did exactly the same thing and was sure the DEA was going to come and kick my door down. I agree with Joe that there is scant chance of that happening and you getting in any trouble. It is, like he so eloquently put it, a great reason to pick up a pill though. Please don’t do that.

Another idea here is that recovery is a personal thing. Do whatever you got to do, whatever it takes to get clean. It is very personal though. Nobody can or should shove their idea of recover down my throat. I rebel from that big time.

Joe the line your wrote in post thirteen: “But if you piled all the crap I deal with clean. And put it up against the horror of needing pills. Well we are talking about two different worlds now.”

That REALLY rings true to me. As a matter if fact it brings hope and optimism. My life sucks so bad using that when I finally get sober the troubles I face are dwarfed by comparison. The only trouble is I sometimes forget that. I need to be reminded constantly. I call it setting the bar mercifully low in recovery. All I really have to do is stay clean and live my life in a reasonably moral and decent way and God pretty much takes care of me. My problems quickly become “luxury” problems.

No kidding man, that post was outstanding. We could start a whole other thread on that one.

OK, now for where I am at and some other comments. I went to my message therapist yesterday and got a message. Somewhere on-line I read that would help, and boy did it. The woman I go to is a sports message therapist and she is excellent. It may be coincidence, and the fact that it was my seventh night, but the shakes were all but gone last night. It also helped a lot with my aches and pains. I would highly recommend it, and not just as a luxury, it is extremely therapeutic.

My heart rate went way up before I went to bed last night, like it has been. It goes up over 25% toward when I get ready for bed. I have measured it. What the heck is that about? All day I am at around 65 then at 11 PM it jumps to 90 bpm. That really sucks. And I couldn’t get to sleep for several hours. But no “electric shock” shakes like I have been experiencing. That is HUGE guys. I can live with the insomnia right now. What I call my “shakes” were and are pure hell. No Ambien either. I am done with that stuff.

The suggestion from Joe to exercise is a great one. I have been doing some running and swimming during the day and it does help a lot. I am training for a marathon in November and am kind of concerned about that. Saturday is a “long run” (23 mi) and as achy as I have been I don’t know if I can make it. If not, no problem I can stop. My main concern right now is just to stay clean. I use sports to burn off a lot of stress and make up for a God awful diet. Right now it sure helps with the hydro withdrawal symptoms too. I believe it has hastened my recovery.

Bye for now fellow travelers. Good luck and stay clean.

254 Kitty Mom { 09.22.10 at 1:15 pm }

Hi Joe and Stu
Day 11 – clean as a whistle
Feeling so very tired though
Did not sleep well last night and worked my 10 hour shift today
Kept busy all day and worked like the devil and got everything done
The only thing I yearn for is the sleep
Other than that I am feeling normal again and not yearning at all for any pills.
I have to go back to my primary care doctor on Oct 5 and tell him I quit the pills. I have a feeling he found out I was using another doctor cause the internet doctor called me several weeks ago to tell me another doctor called him and told him we have a mutual patient. You see, I believe God was messing up my perfect plan at getting pills – spoiling the connections you might say and that is why I knew it was time to quit this madness and become clean….don’t need the aggrevation any more. Want to stop forever and believe me I am.
Day 11 – YEAH!
No yearning for pills
No feeling sick any longer
No wondering what my life will be without them
A quiet peacefull feeling is settling in
Just very very tired and hoping for some eventual sleep
It will come I am sure
Love to all of you
Kitty Mom

255 Joe { 09.23.10 at 1:13 am }

Day 20

I can not thank you guys enough for stopping by here and posting.

See for me at least, that’s the thing.

My addict mind will somehow suggest that the affliction that caused so much pain is no longer present.

That I’m better.

That pills were not so bad.

That I need to get my freak on, so to speak and enjoy escaping.

But 1 quick read into a post from someone who is sick, can not sleep, is stressed out etc.

And I know, I know.

That 1 is to many and a thousand never enough,

I agree so much with Stu, this is very personal.

Treatment for addiction is not some catch all.

It isn’t polio where we have a cure. Works on everyone.

This shit attacks each person differently.

While, some of the characteristics are similar, and empathy is so precious an element of recovery.

It is my mind, my soul, my spirit and my body. That needs to heal.

It is also I have discovered my responsiblility (I still loath that word) to uncover it. My Treatment, Is My Job.

No One sits in the prison cell for you.

I have found mine.

It deals with every issue I have.

It renews me everyday.

It gives me everything my heart desires. (Note: I said my heart not my addict mind)

So a big part of my journey this go round has been that realization.

That what I have found, I was destined to find.

It is Love.

It is real.

And it will never go away.

I suppose there are plenty of paths to this fountian. I do know that they all seem to start at the same place for folks like me.

Day 1 no pills.

I cling to this verse now. It is my Truth.

He who sits on the throne says “Behold I make all things new”.

For me, that means I never do the same thing twice on this path.

While I may repeat an activity each time I do it. It is brand new like I never did it before.

Living in this lifestyle I soar with Joy and am amazed every single minute of every single day.

Love

256 Stu { 09.23.10 at 7:29 am }

Start Day Eight. Right on again Joe. Some great perspective on things I know intuitively, but need to have brought to the surface. I have been on a six year drunk and hydro jag. Prior to that I had fourteen years clean and sober in AA.

Sorry to say I am a stone cold alkie too guys. The sloppy kind Joe. I have been on just the pills the last month or so. (Leading up to that I have abused them with the alcohol for about a year). The pills are much “neater”. Not near the obvious embarrassment, or horrendous hangovers. My hydrocodone usage when way up when I quit booze a month ago. I had the shakes so bad I increased the hydro dosage and kept it there. I call it the“whack a mole” syndrome. I am 100% clean today.

The fact that we all experience recovery in our own way is what I keyed on. There are similarities, don’t get me wrong. The most important being the need for total absintance. In my case a good dose on honesty is required. The twelve steppers can sometimes get on a pretty high horse and even distort the books that direct them. Love and tolerance is our code. That’s one that goes out the window pretty quick. Don’t get me wrong, most of the people I have hung out with in AA are wonderful and caring. There are some goof balls in there though for sure, even with sobriety in double digits.

OK, here’s where I am. Kitty Mom, I am insomniac too and it really sucks. Last night I lay down totally physically exhausted. I was as tired as I get and thought sleep would be a breeze. No such luck. I tossed around all night, got up to go the bathroom about 12 times and finally slept about 2 hrs. If it makes you feel any better I did think about you and your ten hour hard work day and what you must be going through. I am self employed, and work out of my home for the most part so I have been just puttering around. Aside from hitting the gym and going for some runs. I have been getting some office work done, and a little maintenance on some rentals I own, but it’s a low key pace. I did swim my ass off yesterday to try and bring about some sleep. I got tired and sore, but no luck with sleep.

I am real sore still, very achy. My stomach has been in real bad shape for about a month, since I quit booze, but it got DECIDEDLY worse after I stopped the hydrocodone. The painkiller in the hydros kept the stomach pain at bay. I think I got hit with a double whammy in the tummy when I quit the pills. That being a delayed reaction to vodka, and the withdrawals from the pills. It was awful. Tell you a secret, for a guy that takes pain pills by the handful, I have a pretty high pain tolerance. The pain I was having in my stomach almost made me go to the hospital. I am not kidding it felt like I had glass in me. That has gotten about 50% better, so the trend is good, but even at the improved level it still hurts. I told my wife if it’s not better by early November I will go see a Dr. I feel like I ought to give it at least thirty days, and that’s about 45 I guess.

I am starting to get the recovery manic. One minute I am feeling wonderful, grateful to just be alive, the next I am low as can be and kicking myself in the ass for sins of omission. My business and personal life have suffered no doubt due to the pills.

I am real grateful we have our little obscure spot on the internet Kitty Mom and Joe. You guys take care.

257 Stu { 09.23.10 at 7:33 am }

Oops. I said day eight. It’s NINE! Don’t want to cheat myself.

258 Kitty Mom { 09.23.10 at 1:46 pm }

Hi Stu and Joe
DAY 12
Stu you are right behind me…
each day gets a little better
every other day I seem more tired
I am sleeping cause my husband told me I was snoring…but I think I dream that I am awake
Weird but today at 2: 00 PM I got so tired at work (I started at 5:30 AM- I thought I would have to go home but then I started doing another task that needed done and I got real interested and it was 4:00 and time to leave before I knew it. So I guess what I am trying to say is there are still ups and downs but I FEEL like doing things – I feel like going to the grocery store – I feel like cleaning up the house – I feel like cooking dinner for my husband even though I am dead tired….I kind of hate the time when it is getting close to go to bed cause I start fretting about if I will sleep or not – I hate that. I am taking L Theanine for anxiety and L trytophan for relaxation so you would think I would sleep -Noooooooooo!! I am hoping for some sleep this weekend,,,three day weekend for me – I am off tomorrow – so wish me luck!
Keep on posting guys – I really can’t get enough of hearing about you guys – you keep me going.
In a nut shell though, each day gets better – and things get more enjoyable – simple things like a normal poop…haha
Take care you are all in my prayers….Love You guys
Kitty Mom

259 Joe { 09.24.10 at 1:25 am }

Day 21—-

Obssesion and Compulsion.

I would say those would be the common characteristics.

Obession for me means never ending stream of thoughts, relentless barrage. Initally it’s dope, but shit I can obsessive over anything,

Compulsion–Using dope against my will.

I mean serious I have done it, and when you stop and relect on that, it’s some pretty deep shit right there.

Having your own body force you to do something unnatural to it.

I have decades of 12 step exposure brother, and I do work them nowadays.

However, and as I have detailed throughtout this thread.

I don’t attend meeting or have a sponser.

I tried it man, for 20 years.

It just isn’t my path right now.

I do keep an open mind and will never rule out the intersection of my path and the rooms.

But it will be God that leads me, not the judge or my wife, or my kids, or some hot chick. Or some dudes.

I love the steps, but to be honest, I am a sick dude man.

But me in room with other sick folks. And I will gravitate to the negative.

I have an incredibley hard time being honest around a group of addicts, I don’t know why?

I have an easy time be honest in my prayer life, and on message boards.

So I pray and hang out on message boards.

Folks tell me face to face recovery is essential.

I have that as well.

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and we lived together for 4 years prior to that.

She has stayed clean for those 17 years.

I spent 12 of them on the fucking merry go round.

So I have love all around me, I know I get what I need to Not Use for today.

know God has put plenty in my life to attend to.

Meeting just ain’t one them, right now.

I miss the setting somewhat, but Like I said I am a broken dude, trying to heal and carry a message.

The message I carry every day now is very Simple.

I have not taken dope today.

This a miracle.

You don not HAVE to take dope today either.

I’m here.

Broken, defective/

But shit I am having one hell of a time.

I love being Clean.

Just for Today.

1 IS TO MANY AND A THOUSAN NEVER ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!

260 Joe { 09.24.10 at 1:26 am }

Day 21—-

Obssesion and Compulsion.

I would say those would be the common characteristics.

Obession for me means never ending stream of thoughts, relentless barrage. Initally it’s dope, but shit I can obsessive over anything,

Compulsion–Using dope against my will.

I mean serious I have done it, and when you stop and relect on that, it’s some pretty deep shit right there.

Having your own body force you to do something unnatural to it.

I have decades of 12 step exposure brother, and I do work them nowadays.

However, and as I have detailed throughtout this thread.

I don’t attend meeting or have a sponser.

I tried it man, for 20 years.

It just isn’t my path right now.

I do keep an open mind and will never rule out the intersection of my path and the rooms.

But it will be God that leads me, not the judge or my wife, or my kids, or some hot chick. Or some dudes.

I love the steps, but to be honest, I am a sick dude man.

But me in room with other sick folks. And I will gravitate to the negative.

I have an incredibley hard time being honest around a group of addicts, I don’t know why?

I have an easy time be honest in my prayer life, and on message boards.

So I pray and hang out on message boards.

Folks tell me face to face recovery is essential.

I have that as well.

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and we lived together for 4 years prior to that.

She has stayed clean for those 17 years.

I spent 12 of them on the fucking merry go round.

So I have love all around me, I know I get what I need to Not Use for today.

know God has put plenty in my life to attend to.

Meeting just ain’t one them, right now.

I miss the setting somewhat, but Like I said I am a broken dude, trying to heal and carry a message.

The message I carry every day now is very Simple.

I have not taken dope today.

This a miracle.

You don not HAVE to take dope today either.

I’m here.

Broken, defective/

But shit I am having one hell of a time.

I love being Clean.

Just for Today.

1 IS TO MANY AND A THOUSAN NEVER ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!

Love

261 Kitty Mom { 09.24.10 at 4:05 am }

Hi
Kitty Mom here
Day 13 and Friday
But a lucky day for me to have made it this far
I am home today and it is 8:00 and I just woke up – my husband left before 5:00 and I have been sleeping since – Oh but the crazy mixed up dreams I have been having = WILD they are if nothing else – they ware me out. Could it be that this is what it is supposed to me like and the pills were suppressing it…OMG I hope not = it wears me out to sleep…haha
Anyway I will touch back later – got lots to do and it is a pleasure wanting to do stuff.
13 days and counting
no pills…thank you Lord
Love you all

262 Kitty Mom { 09.24.10 at 7:13 am }

Just taking a break to check in to see if anyone needs inspiration or if I can receive inspiration from you all….no one new so I will get back to my daily chores. Hang in there any newbies out there – there is life after pills and in order to have that life you have to pay your dues – nothing easy about it but we are all here to help you and give you hope cause it is there in the form of people like us that have been there and done that and have come through it to the other side.
Love and prayers to all – Kitty Mom (day 13)

263 Joe { 09.25.10 at 1:25 am }

Day 22

Reflection.

God, Thank you for bringing Kitty and Stu and Metoo and everyone else to this very special place.

And as I do most days, Thanks Adam for making it available.

I like to pause ever now and again to reflect.

The Using part–It was so hard trying to stay high. It wore me out man.

The last few days of Using–Utter despair man, And what I think stands out the most was the total numbness I was imprisoned by.
I couldn’t feel man.

The First days clean–INSANE. Not human.

The first few month—scary really scary man. I did not know how to live, everything horrified me. I was quilt ridden, depressed. sore, lonely and full of shame.

However is this is the MIRACLE, I did not get high over hit. I just did not take a pill, and little by little I began to have moments, expereinces, direction began to return to my life, I began to return.

The First year–Nothing, in my life compares to how WONDERFUL it was. I was me again, doing what I love to do.
I love people, I love woman, I love sports, I love music, I love talking and praying. I love the Bible. I love my Faimly, I love the beach and I love concerts, I love movies, I love the internet, I love working, I love contirbuting, I love growing, I love being clean.

So much I love, the list is endless man.

Year 2–Even better, while some of my life situations are hard and challenging. Work, kids, life I get it. I enjoy it.

The single best gift is I am present. I am here every day. I have been given a NEW life.

I am not perfect, I have good healthy stuff about me, I have some stuff that I know is negative. I have some stuff I am not really sure about.

I love waking up today.

The fear lessens.

I get stronger.

JOY.

LOVE.

Keep Coming back.

Joe

264 Kitty Mom { 09.25.10 at 8:38 am }

HI everyone
Day 14 – no pills
I am still positive although I am tired
Sleep still alludes me
Slept till after 8: 00 AM this morning but again it was a restless night…not getting to sleep until almost 3:00 AM
I still would not wish this cold turkey detox on my worst enemy.
I will not take a pill today though – not worth it to feel better for a couple of hours and then be in pain again.
This is it for me – lack of sleep or not.
I won’t go back to that way of living again….
1 of too many 1000 is not enough – soooooo true!
I keep everyone in my prayers that has beat this things (Joe) and those still struggling with it (Stu) and together with the help of God we will get through it one day or minute at a time.
Happy to get my life back
Love
Litty Mom

265 Joe { 09.26.10 at 2:00 am }

Hey Now,

Day 23

Love

I guess looking back over my life this is what I needed.

The thing is, I wasn’t quite sure what is was.

I wanted people around me to think I was special,

That I had talent.

I needed people to care about me.

To validate my exsistance

To understand my driving obsessions

To not leave me alone

I did not know how to do everything.

And I was to scared to let people know.

I loved God, but at some point, I gave up.

I needed the sadness to go, I needed to be a part of something.

I was so terribly afraid of the lonliness.

The darkness.

I had a hugh hole inside of me.

I had no purpose.

So, I tried, I tried somehow to get through life, the only way I knew.

Get high.

And I chased that call for what seemed like ever.

I chased the call in spite of the consequences.

In spite of the fact it did not solve anything.

I chased the call of the wild.

It still calls me.

Everyday.

Just for today, I will not answer that call.

Because something else calls me as well.

The one thing I was looking for when this whole thing took off 30 years ago.

Someone to Love me.

Well I have discovered, that the One who loves me.

Is here.

Now what?

I have no idea.

Just for today.

When the call of the wild beckons. I’ll wait

I won’t chase it.

It leads no where.

The real freedom, the love I want lies beyond the wild.

Love

266 Kitty Mom { 09.26.10 at 4:22 am }

Joe – thanks so much for your posts. I look forward to them daily.
Today is day 15
I am so grateful to have come this far
No pills
Yesterday I went to my first social function in years with no pills
a big one – probably 600 people at this banquet
i was nervous
I did it – can’t say that I enjoyed it all that much
BUT I DID IT
Thank you Lord for getting me through one more day
I am optimistc that each and every day will be better
Slept last night although it was restless – better than in days though
I am thankful for that also.
Well everyone – just to let you know there is a bigger light at the end of the tunnel each and every day.
Love
Kitty Mom

267 Joe { 09.27.10 at 1:16 am }

Good Morning-

Day 24

Another Chance.

2 words, man are they really powerful.

When you stop for a second and think about it.

I woke up this morning with another chance.

So many don’t.

I don’t want to was this chance on regretting, or locked in self pity, or worried.

I have learned one GREAT lesson, perhaps the one lesson I needed to learn.

Life is not your circumstances.

It is for me at least about, being who I was created to be, regardless of my circumstances.

Today, I will bring, Love, Understanding and the sheer Joy of another chance into my day.

Kitty, I understand the awkwardness of social events.

I am thrilled you attended, and came through it .

From reading your posts, I can say this.

It would be a sheer JOY, to run into you at a banquet.

You bring so much life into your space.

Any other feeling your getting is well the human part, keep coming back.

Your message of hope.

Your experience is so vital.

Baby steps.

There is no rush.

We will get by.

Joe

268 Stu { 09.27.10 at 5:57 am }

Day one again. Oops. This time it was just a weekend. It’s a long short story. At least I only went trough 25 10′s. Hopefully I won’t have to do the whole painful detox again. I feel OK this morning.

A freind of mine is still out there. I ran into her this weekend and that was what got this thing started. I told her next time either I am going to be using or she is going to be clean. It can’t be any other way. What a heart ache man. It’s got to go back into God’s hands. I sure can’t control it.
My run went well by the way.
I am determined to get clean.
Thanks for your posts Kitty Mom and Joe. You guys are an inspiration.
I hear you about meetings Joe. At the end of the day it’s between me, God and a pill bottle. What’s it going to be. I tend to hate most meetings.

269 Metoo { 09.27.10 at 10:47 am }

Hey, Stu…Dust yourself off and get back on the horse. Setbacks happen, and you’ll be fine. Many of us have fallen off and gotten right back on more times than we can count. I know I have!

Huh. I just counted, and it looks as though I’ve got a good 5 months under my belt. That’s a huge victory, and if I can do it, so can ANYONE.

So, Stu, I just wanted you to know that stuff happens…don’t be too hard on yourself. You’ve got what it takes to beat this thing. Hang in there!

Kitty Mom, GREAT JOB!!!!! You’re doing it!!! :)

Joe…to you, just a great big hug, and loads of prayers of thanks. Please keep up your posting….you never cease to inspire us all!!

270 Kitty Mom { 09.27.10 at 12:54 pm }

Kitty Mom here
Day 16 – hallaluah!
The only thing that concerns me now is forgetting how hard the first few days were – that is why i need you guys to keep on talking to me – I do not think I am going to rush out and get more pills, but I hate forgetting the pain associated with withdrawal because that is essential to keeping on the straight and narrow. I don’t even want to think of spending another dime on pills or spending days stressing on where and if I can get more of them. You all that have been there know what I mean. At least for today I am pill free and desire diminishes each day.
Stu – don’t beat up on yourself – You have the desire and when you are ready, you will do it. Just think of us out here – Joe for several years – Metoo for several months – and meeeeeee For several weeks – we all got through it and are better off for it….and you will be too – just keep talking to us and any help I can give, I will. You are all in my prayers daily.
Thanks Joe and Metoo for the kind words – you do not know how much I appreciate it.
Love and affection
Kitty Mom

271 Joe { 09.28.10 at 1:53 am }

Day 25

Just for today.

I mean this simple little slogan. Has changed, or begun the change process in my life.

For me, when I was active in drug use.

It was torment.

It was also the only coping skill I had.

This part of my brain that needed dope, well it controled me.

I was even aware of it.

I have learned this truth.

Addiction is a disease—perhaps the cruelest one I have ever been expsoed to. It tops cancer, aids, heart disease. I mean for me personally the way society treats it. The way faimly reacts to it.

Brutal Man, Brutal.

But in the midst of it. In the evil sickness it is. Lies LOVE. Beauty and Hope.

It is here among others that I have found God.

I mean I get to chat with woman like Kitty and Metoo. For me this privlage, this honor, well let’s just say it is beyond any expectation I could have ever dreamed of.

I realized after a zillion tries and failures that I could only do this, Just for Today.

Live my life that is.

The past was to painful, The future to scary.

My desires of the day so confusing.

Dope had left me in a state of toal confusion.

I was a lost 5 year old boy.

Crying for someone or something to help me.

I no longer could live.

I was unmanageable.

The problem was I was 43 with a busy life and a boatload of responsiblities.

Talk about a situation.

Well after 20 years of finding a way to treat my disease.

I found the treatment.

Just for today.

I must do everything in my life, just for today.

It seems so cliche, but it is the only thing that has ever treated my disease.

Remember Stu,

Where there is disease free will, does not work.

Kitty,
I beg that you keep checking in. Because, Just for today,
I ain’t to proud to beg, sweet darling.—Mick Jaggar

Metoo–You words lift me up like a force, like a cool breeze on a hot day. You reach inside and touch the emptiness. You take away the sadness. I thank God, you take the time to post. I need you.

Have a good one guys.

Love

272 metoo { 09.28.10 at 5:44 am }

Joe, there are no words to thank you for the kindness you have shown to me. If you have a few spare moments for a prayer for me I would appreciate it….I’ll be facing a day that could turn out to be a great one, or I could be left hanging~and either way, it’s frightening. Funny thing is, I needed your words today, and at the end of your post there was a special prize just for me! Like the prize at the bottom of the cracker jack box!!! Thanks, Joe…more than you know, THANKS.

Kitty Mom, congratulations on Day 17!!! :) Doesn’t it feel amazing to know that YOU ARE SLAYING THE DRAGON???? I know sometimes I would just stop and think about how huge this really really IS….and those were the moments I would pray out loud…just so darn thankful that someone so weak (me), could do something that requires SO MUCH STRENGTH…I think those prayers of thanksgiving actually make you feel better than the pills ever did. Keep it up, Kitty Mom…you’re doing this wild thang!!!!
Stu, Stu, we need you………………sending the angels to you….watch for them…….

273 Stu { 09.28.10 at 7:36 am }

Joe, Kitty Mom and Metoo you guys are an inspiration. I will keep coming back and posting even though I feel like a complete failure. At least it’s anonymous and you can’t look me in the eye. I will keep trying guys. You are all doing great.

274 Kitty Mom { 09.28.10 at 8:06 am }

Hey guys – Kitty Mom here
Day 17 – off work early and it does not have to do with pills!!
I am having a great ordinary southern kind of day.
Just going to the grocery store
Just picking up the house
Just cooking a delicious meat loaf for hubby
an ordinary extraordinary day – with no pills
I am so grateful for you Joe and Metoo and am honored to have you to lift me up with your posts….stay forever and I am forever thankful to you. I hope I also inspire you in some small way and that my prayers for you are being answered. Yours for me certainly are.
Sleep is coming
LIfe if happenning
One day at a time
DAY 17 and almost loosing count
Can’t wait till it is months
Can’t wait till it is years
Happy to be here
Love
Kitty Mom

275 Metoo { 09.28.10 at 9:47 am }
276 Kitty Mom { 09.28.10 at 10:54 am }

Thanks MeToo – Awesome!
Kitty Mom

277 Joe { 09.29.10 at 1:36 am }

Day 26

Well, Well , Well you can never tell.

Man I love that line.

I sat down here at the begining of September and I was feeling kinda down, life wasn’t moving fast enough, or something.

I had no clue what to do,

So I prayed and I took a small risk.

A small step.

Nothing earth shttering, Just a few lines on a message board. I held out my hand, I said Hey I might not have taken a pill for awhile, and I’m not dope sick today.

But I am human, I am scared.

So I remembered why I quit taking the fucking pills in the first place.

So I could live.

And not just Live, I would say to myself in those early days.

But I want to live to the Fullest. I want To Love and Grow, I want to be healthy and human. I want to be ALIVE.

Well I prayed and God answered. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows me deep down, He knows what I need to soar every day.

On earth as it is in heaven.

So what does God do for me, a sick sinning crazy dude.

He sends 3 angles. Each with a gift. A very special gift.

Metoo-He sent your beauty, you calm words of peace, your deep sense of caring, your Love, your excitement, your joy, your worry, you life, your hope. All things my heart desires.

Kitty Mom-In you God sent me Passion and Energy, Toughness and Tenderness, Beauty and Elegance. Fire determination, attention, Joy, perservence and excitement. My heartd desires

Stu-The doubts the struggle the thoughts, the seeking, the issues, and the consequences, the truth and the way. My Hearts desires

Oh My Precious God it is with a tear in my eye, I still can’t cry, but I am getting closer.

Thank You so Much, Jump for Joy. You are fucking Real, Oh so Real.

And you kowm me.

You know me so well.

And you Love me,

You Love me so much.

One guy doesn’t deserve this kinda Love.

For Metoo, Kitty and Stu (Angles sent By God)
Thank you from the bottom of my soul.

I love you guys.

So this morning I think I will through on one of my all time favorites..

Get up out of my chair. Take this body of mine and do a little dance, Because sometimes it’s all you can do the joy is so awesome.

So just for a minute, if you get a chance, rise up out of your seat and dance, dance with me,

Life is not your circumstances, Life is the Love we bring.

As the Rev Al Green says.

Love is walking together,

Love is Talking together.

Dear Lord Jesus Christ, Thank you for Metoo, Kitty and Stu. Your angles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsU6_eSG4k4

NOW DANCE!!!!!!

278 metoo { 09.29.10 at 6:41 am }

Wow, Joe….what a beautiful way to put it down in words…and AGAIN, just what I needed today!!! Thank you..

The prizes at the bottom of the cracker jack box just keep getting better! :) I think I will find my joy soon. I just might find it. If I keep reading, praying, and dancing (I did….) with my friends, I just might find it too, just like Joe.

It’s going to happen. Maybe even today!! Thank you, Joe…

Stuart! Get back to us…we are not “right” without you. Kitty Mom, can I have your prize too???? Bahahahaha!!! (Now, you guys didn’t see that one coming, did ya???) :D

Love to all…prayers of thanksgiving for all…

279 Stu { 09.29.10 at 7:10 am }

Thanks for the encouragement metoo. Thanks KittyMom and Joe. I am still hanging around. At least I have a smile on my face. I had about a week before this weekend and have been trying to figure out what happened. I went back to the rabbits and rabbit trails I used to go to. All seemed normal and justified. The good news is I am back. You guys might have gotten a hint of what happened from an earlier post. I can’t go into much more detail. Suffice to say I lost track of my primary purpose, big time.
I have two big cups of coffee in me and am trying to get along with my day, “just for today” (thanks Joe). That slogan is one of the best. God is in the now. It’s here that I find Him.
I will definitely keep hanging around guys. Thanks for not kicking my out. Joe, even though you are coming up on a month, don’t leave. Why not hang out until I get a month?

280 Metoo { 09.29.10 at 10:01 am }

:) I like that idea, Stu!! I’d put money on Joe sticking around even after his month…I sure hope so!
You’re back on the trail with us now, Stu, and that’s all that matters. Don’t look back..
Kitty Mom has 18 days in today!!! I celebrate you, Kitty Mom! Please let us know how your day is going!

281 Kitty Mom { 09.29.10 at 1:20 pm }

Hi Ya’ll
Yes – day 18 and what a wonderfull day it is
got through my ten hour day – tired but satisfied and interested at times with my work.
I live for coming home and getting on this computer to hear Joe, MeToo and Stu write their inspirations for the day. It is so helpful to me to hear your stories, your inspirations, your hope, your love for God, and your love for your fellow posters. We have become a team, a well oiled machine, a complement to each other….I will keep coming back as long as you will have me.
I am proud to be here with you and keep you in my prayers daily. How amazing that we found each other – strangers, yet with one thing in common for certain.
Stu, each day it gets easier. Please keep posting – I worry about you when you are gone. Joe keep posting – you are more than an inspiration. Meetoo, we are together in this and I hope to be inspiring to others as you are too me.
Take Care guys
Love you all
Kitty Mom

282 Joe { 09.30.10 at 1:16 am }

Day 27

Amazed

This Core 4, can that be our team name Kitty, is quite a group now isn’t it.

I know exactly how it feels to be 1 day, 17 days, 5 months, whatever.

But for the sake of Love and Team, The Core 4 all just has today. Right Now.

We have no leaders, we have each other. I really believe that where 2 or more are gathered, I am there. So we know who is running this squad. (can’t you feel it)

I pray we do stick together, we continue to communicate with one another.

Pain shared is Pain lessened.

And victory with out someone you love to share with, well that wouldn’t be a victory now would it.

Just remember, I am not all together yet, and I to make mistakes, I am wrong, and I am a guy.

If you can tolerate that, and keep me around. And grow with me.

I really like my chances.

Amazed, yes, that’s how I feel today.

Thanks.

Love

283 Metoo { 09.30.10 at 8:07 am }

Amazed is the perfect word for how I felt yesterday morning and read your post, Joe…AMAZED. And even if you can’t cry yet, that’s ok, my friend, because I believe I may have shed enough tears for the both of us…you have touched me.

“When 2 or more are gathered”…. I LOVE this, and believe it with every fiber of my being. And I can FEEL it.

The Core 4 rock!! :) God Bless you guys….

284 Kitty Mom { 09.30.10 at 12:45 pm }

Hey My Core4
I like it Joe
Stu where are you – check in so we know how you are doing!
Day 19
I worked my arse off today at work -(I am in the accounting field)
I feel ambitious and motivated
Besides doing my work today, I even tied up some loose ends and did some errands….went to the bank, bought quarters for the meter, mailed some stuff I needed to mail
I KNOW – BORIIIIIING!
But, wonderful – each day is filled with everyday things that I did not do before without pills – and here I am 19 days without and feeling tired but great. I am sleeping at night better and better.
You guys are the best – enough about my humdrum little existance….hahaha I have always been a homebody! I love our team name, Joe That is us, the CORE 4…..I look forward every day to coming here and reading your posts – this is my aftercare. I never did like meetings – even at the office, so this is my daily meeting – 90 meetings in 90 days – I will be here come hell or high water…..looking forward to tomorrow – I am going out to eat with hubby and married daughter – she does not have a clue that I have beeing going through this – did not have a clue that I even took pills. She is the only one I did not tell….wanted to save her the pain.
But, all that said, I can’t wait to see her and go out (without taking pills) that is what is so phenominal….I am sorry guys, that all I am talking about is myself. I truly would not have been able to do it without you…my friends, my partners in non-crime, so take care of yourself and keep coming back – I need you.
Love, Kitty Mom

285 Stu { 09.30.10 at 1:42 pm }

KittyMom awesome post. I like the “boring” things too. You are doing great.

I like core4 too! I am doing pretty well. I am having really weird dreams and wanting to drink, which is NOT a good sign. Off the pills though which is good.

It seems like at a certain point sober my life looks artificially bad and tells me that the only hope is to get high. In truth, creature comfort wise, I have it pretty darn good. Not to say I am living in total luxury, but I have a roof over my head, a nice soft comfy bed and food in my tummy. What more could a guy ask for. A lot of people in this world would be supremely grateful for that. But nooooo, I want more! A party a night, yuck. That’s what my friend tells me, that life can’t be like that. It’s an illusion. Perhaps it’s my depression talking to me, and the illness wanting to use. There is no comparison, my life is so much better clean by any objective idea or observation. So there. I am grateful now.
You guys take care. I will be back.

286 Joe { 10.01.10 at 12:42 am }

Day 28

Man, what a way to start each day.

It has been my new lifestyle. Wake, Connect with God, Connect with fellow journyiers.

That has really helped me alot.

I knda view things as Healthy vs Unhealthy.

As opposed to the old right vs. wrong model.

I am doing this because my thinking had become damaged by the dope. It was reduced dramatically.

I lived to use and used to live. (I know sloganish, but true)

So a big part of that cycle was my old thinking.

The shame, guilt, less than. greater than. Know best, have no Idea.

That much I know is a fact, my addiction lives and survies on
AMBIVILANCE.

And one question I would always ask myself was Is it wrong to take dope.

Now, I know that things I did to get dope, while on dope where in violation of my values. Thus wrong.

But it would always be ambivalnt on is dope wrong.

This time I just ask myself, Is it healthy.

Answer, No.

I do things that fall into the healthy category.

And slowly elimate those things that are unhealthy.

Right now that’s mostly diet, I love pleasure foods and do not care much for healthy foods.

I exersice and meditate and pray, and then eat a pack of cupcakes and a wash it down with a couple of pepsi.

On the inside stuff, This is where I am at now.

Trying to grow. Experience and enjoy.

One of the biggest barriars to this process is not letting anyone in.

Not openning up and being totally honest with another human being.

I am so afraid to let someone in.

I guess my kids are in, in that I Love them completely.

But as far as adult on adult relationship. Empty.

My wife and I of 13 years have a very functional, healthy relationship, just for today.

It has evolved more so into a corporation than a romance.

But it works.

It is just something in my spirit says “you need to have a person or people that know you, that you are accountable”

I never had clean friends, I can fill Yankee stadium with my using buddies.

But never once have I had a friendship of intimate nature with another adult. The love of another I have never risked.

So, that’s where I am at in general.

No Dope.

Continue to build a relationship with God. Deepening my understanding, my love for, my trust with him.

Perhaps as that reltionship evolves I will be able to overcome my walls and let another human in.

I hope so.

But, I am so afraid of getting hurt.

So safe is the healthy play.

I have decided that I will open myself up completely to the Core 4.

See what happens.

I will not use no matter what.

God Bless

287 Stu { 10.01.10 at 7:17 am }

Just checking in guys.

I here you on the bad diet Joe. I ate a huge bowl of ice cream and bag of cookies last night. I figure it’s the least of my problems right now though.

I hung out the “bad influence” friend of mine last night. My head is still swimming from it. I didn’t use, that’s the good news. I just have to take a little inventory here and see what I am getting out of that. Sorry about bringing this drama on the board, but it’s part of my story. I use at this situation. It’s something that drives me crazy. Finally I may have had a bit of a breakthrough. Trust God.

I committed to hosting a special AA speaker this afternoon and may take him and his girlfriend out to a National Park near my home for a walk. It’s my AA sponsor’s sponsor. He’s been wanting me to discuss some of this stuff with him for a long time, so I might.

No pills today.

Take care guys. I will write more later. Just wanted to let you know I am out here and thinking of you.

288 Metoo { 10.01.10 at 8:06 am }

STU!!! Do you realize what a hurdle you just jumped???!!!! You DIDN’T use!!! THAT IS GREAT NEWS!!!! See??? YOU are made of some tough stuff, my friend!! I am SO proud of you!!! There will be more hurdles to come, but for the first time ever, YOU CLEARED IT!!! You’re on your way now, Stu…on your way…:)

Kitty Mom, I’m the same exact way. A homebody! There’s nothing like a nice, drama free life, and it sounds like you have built a peaceful, calm, loving existence. Your family must feel so safe and warm..AND it’s your day 20!!! It just keeps getting better and better!!

Hey now, Joe!! I have a great idea….an adventurous one at that…but first, I just have to say that I am honored to be a part of The Core 4….and it is a thrill to get here each day and see how each one of us is doing. I think of you so often throughout the day, and you are a part of each prayer I pray. Thanks for being here!!

So, Joe…this adventure…how about a single red rose for your wife~with a note~thank you for being here for me~~~short and sweet….? A possibility?? :) I love romance!!! You have turned everything else around, Joe~if it can be done, YOU CAN DO IT!!

Core 4….:)

289 Kitty Mom { 10.01.10 at 6:15 pm }

Hey everyone
Kitty Mom here
Day 20 – almost over
Went out to dinner with husband and grown daughter
Went shopping afterward
Did not feel 100 confortable
But did it – with no pills
Glad to be here
Glad to be pill free
Glad there is life after pills
Still praying for all of you on this site
The is proverbial light at the end of this terrible tunnell
Sleep comes bacl
life comes back
Love to all
Kitty Mom

290 Kitty Mom { 10.01.10 at 6:16 pm }

Hey everyone – sorry for the spelling on the last post – I should have proofread!
Love, Kitty Mom

291 joe { 10.02.10 at 1:19 am }

Day 29

More OT this weekend, I am working alot these days, for which I am so grateful.

I keep things really, really simple now.

And work, provides me a safe place to go each day, and bring a positive attitude, listen to others, talk to folks and interact.

It gives me life, so I nevver compkain about it.

On the other hand, it does wipe me out and provides a excuse to avoid life as well.

For me I guess I’m still a basket case of emotions, I have a hard time with feelings and I have lingering feelings of emotional insecurity.

Not to mention my body and mind need to heal.

Learning to do things clean takes time.

I have learned that in the desire to change, I change. I have long given up the notion that I will have this Moment, This moment when I go, Whew, now the change is done. I am all better.

See I have a termendous ammount of EDUCATION about addiction both from the books, from my growing up in it, to the treatment centers, to the meetings, to the churches, to the jail cell.
And all that information was critical to me getting where I am today.

See today, I consdier myself, lucky. Yeah the dam pills call me, Yeah the lifestyle calls me, I’m not sure I will ever have that moment of total surrender, AA clamors about.
But I have learned that I can not use that excuse as a reason to hurt myself or someone else.

I have learned, slowly and painfuly over the last 30 years.

This shit is personal, very personal.

It attacks each of us in a unique way, It kills us each in a unique way. And we overcome it in a very personal way.

The one thing I know that is needed for me to keep on growing, is someone else who is trying to grow. Not just like me, But just like God has a plan for my path, He has a plan for your path.

I want to hold someones hand and walk the path. That way I know I never fall off.
That hand is God’s.

See I figure in order for me to take a handful of pills I would first have to let go of his.

So today, just this 24 hours I will hold Gods hand.

OK, now on to my risk for the weekend, and an exposure of my true self to the Core 4.
I hope I don’t get thrown out for this.

I have been married for 13 years and lived together with mywife for 4 years before that. So I have been through it all.

The thing is, I have no real clue how to be a husband, I know that sounds sick.

I have never really connected on some deep intimate level with my wife, and I’m not convinced I want to.

Even sicker, right.

I do love her, I very much respect her.

I just don’t connect in a way. Maybe that is my defect.

I am a romantic, I have never been sexually abused, I believe in the soaring energy of infatuation, the elixer of lust hidden behind romance.
My wife, not that kinda chick.

That’s cool. And I don’t get hung up on that shit anymore.

I have decided that an honest, bare my soul connect on all levels with another is my goal.

I pray about, I have no idea where it will take me, Perhaps back into some romantic bliss with my wife, or maybe I meet an old Jewish Rabbi, or some Pentacostal lady, or a junkie with 1 day clean.

I pray you guys understand,

My life is built now on staying safe, not upsetting the apple cart.

It’s much more about my daughters today than it is me.

I do however need that connection, It what was missing 1 month ago,

I know I don;t have to connect witha Vicodin ES today, that is the miracle and I will not forget it.

The physical. spiritual and emotional connectim I seek, is my responsiblilty.

If it be the will of the creator, it will materalize.

If not, well then he has something much greater instore. Npw doesn’t he.

So. Yeah I am a 44 year old married guy with issues.

I am open Metoo and I will try a Rose, and a one line note,

If it works awesome, and if it doesn’t awesome.

I got you guys to share it with.

Peace my brothers and sisters.

And spelling is optional.

292 Kitty Mom { 10.02.10 at 3:35 am }

Hey folks – Core4 and more
Kitty Mom’s 21st day has started
I was up with my husband at 6:00 AM – it is now 7:22 AM EST
Husband had a function to attend and I am enjoying the peacefull morning – The weather is changing and it is a tad cooler and when daylight presents itself I will go have a cup of coffee on the front porch. I am in Florida by the way and we lust for the first breath of a below 90 day. Our cold fronts are not even noticable here in the summer.
Joe – your post was insirational as usual. You are opening up those thoughts and feelings to us with a vengeance and I am honered to be here with you each day – in the same boat – taking this trip together one day at a time. I will be here each day to listen as you keep a grip on God’s hand….knowing that I have the other hand – your’s and God’s.
Hoping to hear from you also today Meeto and Stu.
Each new day I have under my belt has been a blessing and I am glad I am here to share it with you.
Love and blessings
Kitty Mom

293 joe { 10.03.10 at 1:04 am }

Day 30

What a month.

Rather than reflect on areas that need work, hell there will always be somthing.

I thought I would honor God. with praise and thanksgiving today.

I set out 30 days ago to post once a day for 30 days.

God made that Possible.

That is the miracle, the good news, the gospel.

Do not be afraid.

Please I beg you guys, don’t be afraid to stay clean.

Don’t be afraid to live your life, relying on God instead of dope.

It is so different.

Today, I have no clue as to how events will unfold.

If I use dope, I know the end results.

I walked that path as far as it goes.

It is an empty lie.

On the other hand, Not using is truth.

Fullness

It is everything you hoped for.

Everything you dreamed of.

Everything you wished for.

Every desire you have.

Every need met.

Just for today I will enjoy the Love I was created to recieve and give,

Remember, all have sinned. But that’s OK.

Love covers all sin.

Dope=Death

No Dope+ Love.

Love is here, right here, right now.

If the vision you dream of, isn’t your reality, hold on, give it a minute.

It will materalize, it will not be late.

It will come at it’s perfect time.

I hate to miss it, because I was high.

I know today, I gotta be clean. If I want love.

And Love is my deepest desire.

I am so afraid to let go, but I have no choice now. The burning desire of being clean is in charge,

Only fear can stop me.

But God shows me everyday, I have nothing to be afraid of.

30 days has September, the old jinngle says.

For me It was Just one Long moment of Love. Uninterupted bliss, filled with 4 of the most amazing people I havee ver encontered.

From the bottom of soul.

Kitty Mom, Thank you for saving my life, I am your servant.

Metoo, Thank you for saving my life, I am your servant.

Stu, Thank you for saving my Life, I am your servant.

Born in New York, I now live in Texas. So I know what you mean about a cool breeze, Kitty.

Is there any better feeling in the world than that first touch of coolness on as dawn breaks.

I too will be on the poarch, cup of coffee in hand.

I I look to the heavens today and say.

Thank you God.

Love

294 Kitty Mom { 10.03.10 at 4:27 am }

Hey my Core4
Kitty Mom here
22nd Day beginning clean
The front porch
The cup of coffee
The reading of the newspaper
The coolness in the air
All ordinary things
Yet phenominal things
Without pills
Thank you my Lord
without you I would not me me
Without you I would not be here amongst people who care
Without you I would not have the family that I love so dearly
You are my Rock and my Foundation
Please give me the strength to make it one more day
Amen

295 Stu { 10.03.10 at 4:49 am }

Wow guys. Wow Wow Wow. Joe, you pretty much told my story a few posts ago with the Mrs. I unfortunately added some drama. It’s amazing how much trouble a pocket full of pills and cash can get a man into. It’s power too, a phony power, but nevertheless an intoxicating power. It has ended in pure hell. The noise would not stop in my head. It is finally starting to subside as I back away from the lie. As I have said, I have to keep this deliberately vague. I have got to say though, Joe you are a HELL of a lot better going through this with your wife sober than using.

They guy I hosted Friday and took to the Battlefield was awesome. He gave a talk last night that gave me some good direction. One of the things that helped me was a thought he used from CS Lewis. He said the Devil likes noise. I have a head full of self induced noise. (I don’t believe in a “Devil” with horns and a fork and stuff, but the concept of hell on earth sure works for me). He also said God whispers and we have to be quiet to here Him.

Well, if I am stoking my life and mind with needless bullshit drama, putting pills and booze down my throat to quiet that noise and guilt I don’t think there much room to hear the Whisper. It makes sense to me intellectually and from life experience.

He also gave me some golden keys to get me out of the corner I backed myself into, emotionally. This is all on me guys. Some of the never’s in a book I read. Never criticize. That’s a tough one when you have a using friend that is throwing “pearls to swine”. I use at that and get pissed. My friend is killing herself in a degrading way. To not criticize is near impossible. So, as some oath says, “at least do no harm”. That means back away. I believe that to be truth.

I really wanted to drink and use yesterday. I was depressed and angry. I went by a bar near my house and thought a beer and a shot would be the novacane in my brain that was needed to isolate and numb the pain. Or an OXY or ten. Thank God I did not. I slept reasonably well and feel great this morning. Like KittyMom and Joe, the weather where I am has turned cool, fall beautiful. Fall is my favorite time of year. There is fog coming up in the river valley below my house as the sun comes up. It’s one of the most beautiful sites for me. I am so lucky to be able to get up without a hang over on booze or the fog of pills and behold what God has created. And, like you Joe, I am a hopeless romantic. It brings that out in me for sure. I cried like a baby yesterday at my parent’s grave sites. Had to clean my glasses off when I got home. Oh no, here comes some more tears. But guess what, they are TEARS OF JOY and gratitude.

Thanks for the nod metoo. I appreciate it.

I love you guys.

296 Kitty Mom { 10.03.10 at 3:03 pm }

MeeTo – you have not posted for several days – hoping you are OK
Kitty Mom

297 metoo { 10.03.10 at 3:37 pm }

All is well~no internet for a couple days. Pooh. LOL! More tomorrow! Love you Core 4!

298 joe { 10.04.10 at 2:19 am }

Morning Folks—

A New week,

A New day.

Today Oct 4, is St. Francis of Assisi Day,

My only real mission in life now is very simple.

WHERE THERE IS DISPAIR, HOPE.

I have read some stuff on St. Francis.

Incredible guy.

Life of the party, yet empty inside.

Discovers that the thing he most feared, lepers. Once embraced
begun his conversion.

You know what I hated most when I used, People who got clean and stayed clean.

Man, they bothered me.

I figured they were lying.

Today I am clean. It is REAL.

There is HOPE.

I bring you all HOPE.

With all my heart I will pray today for you guys.

I am here, you are never alone.

Love

299 metoo { 10.04.10 at 6:06 am }

Joe…I LOVE ST. FRANCIS!!!! I get the “saint of the day” email in my inbox everyday, and I had JUST deleted it without reading it…thank YOU for being the messenger sent to send me marching right back to my deleted items folder, to get MY GUY out of it! Here I sit with two gorgeous statues of St. Francis in my little home, and I go and send him to the bin. I think my message today from God is to NOT OVERLOOK what is RIGHT THERE. I will be noodling this today.

“Oh, Master, grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console…
to be understood as to understand…
to be loved as to love with all my soul…”

I absolutely adore the entire message of the Peace Prayer~I always have. Thank you for waking me up today, Joe…

May the Peace of St. Francis touch all who read this…may we all be instruments of that peace.

Happy feast day, Frank!!! (Me & St. Francis~”Frank”~are “tight” so I can call him that…lol) :D

300 Stu { 10.04.10 at 6:27 am }

Hi all. I am a big St. Francis fan too. I memorized the prayer and used to say it every morning. That fell off the radar screen in my morning prayers, but I still use it.

Joe, thanks for pointing out the new week, new beginning. I guess we could call it a new month.

I am getting better but still pretty depressed. I keep telling myself it will just continue to get better and not to expect perfection. I have been reading some on the internet about treating depression, which I suffer from (unmedicated). There is a bunch of info on using hydrocodone to treat depression successfully. Now we know there is a huge price to pay for that “fix” but the idea that it works for depression has been true in my live. Therefore, it would seem logical there would be a rebound effect once the medication is removed. I think that’s what I am experiencing.

My wife, and psycologist, both want me on some kind of anti-depressant, but I have resisted. I believe in my heart of hearts that given a sufficient amount of sober time, say a month or up to a year, that the physiological part will disappear. That may be a high price to pay if it goes a year, but if it does go away then I have the rest of my live to live without the drugs. Don’t misunderstand ! I don’t condemn these types of drugs or discourage their use on others. They do a HELL of a lot of good on those that are super chronic, like my wife. I just don’t seem to fit the bill. A lot of what I get “down” about is situational and as you guys know so well, related to narcotics and alcohol abuse. I do reserve the right to take anti-depressants if I feel they are truly needed. I have not gotten to that point I don’t think yet.

It is by self f0rgetting that one finds.

Bye for now core 4.

301 Metoo { 10.04.10 at 10:14 am }

Hey, Stu…have you ever checked in to natural depression fighters? Ethnobotanicals? You should google rhodiola, kanna, and I can’t think of the others right now. But I just believe that there are natural herbs out there that work. Since you aren’t taking any SSRI’s, the botanical door should be wide open for you…just thoughts. I am praying especially for you, Stu. You are not alone…

Hey, hey, Kitty Mom!! It’s day 23, and YOU ARE FREE!!! Way to go….I am proud of youuuuuuuuuuu!! :D

Joe. You R.O.C.K.!!! {Reign Our Core King} :)

302 Kitty Mom { 10.04.10 at 1:05 pm }

Hey Everyone
Here I am again
Kitty Mom
Day 23 – another day that I went to work and worked by petutti off
Another day – I drove home to my hubby
Another day – I am talking to you guys
Another day – without pills
I am starting to get to a point where there are times throughout the day when I don’t even think about them and to me that is progress.

My consultation and refill were due last week and when I got the E-mail I deleted it.
That is progress isn’t it.
Stu – I will be praying for you along with the others – I understand your depression – there is a hole where the pills used to fill – I feel it sometimes also….but it is getting better with time. Sometimes the days go by slowly (weekends) and I am tired and ready to get some sleep by early evening, but can’t go to sleep. The sleep thing is still perplexing me. I guess I used to sleep so much from the pills that I was getting enough sleep – now it is a struggle to get 5 hours per night. But, it is getting better and if that is the worst of it, I guess that is not too bad.
I am going to look up St Frances you all – I am not familiar with saints at all – but if you love the guy, then I am certainly going to find about him…haha.
Thanks for being here core4 – I couldn’t do it without you.
My cell phone died and won’t charge so I guess I will actually have to go out of the house to look into it. I usually don’t like to go out once I get home after my ten hour work day. But, I gotta have a phone.
One of my kitty’s is screaming his little head off – better go check on him. He thinks I am going to let him outside – he’s got another think coming!!!
Bye Guys
Love You All

303 joe { 10.05.10 at 1:31 am }

Hey Now,

The thing I really locked into this time around was THE FACTS.

THE FACTS of how my addiction hit me.

I think all the other times, which are to numerous to count, I tried to take in all this information and then I tried to recover from my illness using it.

The issue was that was I was treating soomeone elses disease, not mine.

Again, I really believe that the disease of addiction is indivuialistic.

So, while one size fits all treatment plans are of some benefit, it was not until I said, My disease, My treatment.

That I began to get better.

To Heal.

So here were the first three undeniable truths about my life, my disease.

I understand now, that they are ME, that they will not change.

1. I can not take 1 pill, 1 drink, 1 drug or 1 anything for the sole purpose of getting high. without the following occuring,

1. Feelings of guilt
2. Feelings of Shame
3, Feelings of Regret
4 Feelings of giving up
5. Lieing
6. Feelings of wanting more

2.After I take the drug, the broken part of my pleasure center will over my thought process on every level. Every time

3. I have no idea how to treat my illness.

So once I fully accepted this as my truth, which took about 20 years. The only way I can return to active drug us is by the process of denial.

Or liening to my self.

I know when I am doing that know about drug use, I am working on expanding that.

Of course once I decided that I needed to find my way out of the darkness, and I realized I could not.

I got realed scared, far more afraid than I ever was.

So I just asked, can someone please help me.

And since that moment, there as been a steady stream of help.

It never runs out.

It just keeps on comming.

I know Have my first Spirtual FACT.

LOVE IS REAL.

It just is not what I thought it was.

Love for me is helpful, always healthy, never wrong, Provides, teaches, heals, inspires, motivates and takes care of.

Now that’s a lot.

If Dope did that I take a pill today, it doesn’t ,it won’t. In fact when i think about it, it’s a really bad subsitute.

Yeah just for today, you can keep that fake shit.

I want REAL LOVE.

Enjoy, my brother and sisters.

I love you

304 Stu { 10.05.10 at 6:21 am }

Great job on the deletion of your refill KittyMom! That is huge.

Joe, I like your three truths. Shame, guilt. I’d add sick, weak, fearful (terrified), totally useless. I have journaled about it a bunch. Also, like having a self induced real bad flu. That’s SMART isn’t it?? Good God. Nice post.

Another day at “Stu’s Serenity Gardens Rehab Center”. That’s what I named my house. I decided that since I am not going in-patient I will pretend I am. In my morning meditation I came up with this benefit. God can teach me real life lessons out here during the thirty days I would have been locked up. The trick is to stay sober so He can. So far so good. I have had to make a concerted effort to keep myself a bit isolated with this “home rehab” though and am struggling a little with that. Some business related stuff that would irritate me any way, even high, keeps popping up. No need to get into to much detail, but it has to do with pimping me by others. I tend to want to tell them to go f*** off. Can’t do that, but I guess I can not answer the phone. Hey I am in rehab for Christs sake! Leave me alone.

I slept fitfully last night too metoo. At least the shakes/crawlies are gone. That’s something I can be truly grateful for. I still have some aches though. Last night my left knee was throbbing for some reason, real bad for several hours in bed. I took three motrin and in a couple of hours went to sleep. Maybe the hydro’s were masking some pain I have had for awhile.

Went to my mens relapse prevention meeting last night again. It was at a guys house that has a real nice spread. He outdid himself on the meal, we eat before the meeting. It was on the tenth step and the promises. About sixteen men were there, all outstanding dudes. Some with less sobriety than me, others with multiple digit. Awesome night. Mostly talked about God and just plain living right. A message I need. I have decided that in certain areas of my life, pills for sure, I am insane. I keep doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. My big goal is to change my life and thinking. In all areas.

Off to my first rehab class. I don’t know what it will be. Maybe how to work hard in my office. Or, go for my physical therapy run.

Bye for now guys.

305 Kitty Mom { 10.05.10 at 2:13 pm }

Hey you all – Hi Joe Hi Stu Hi Meeto
Day 24 was good – worked hard at my job again.
Had to go to my primary doctor at 5:00 PM and wa scared out of my mind….long story short he found out about my double dipping for pills because somehow a prescription I filled saying I had no insurance (Ohhhh the lies) got processed through the insurance anyway and he was notified about it. Anyway, as soon as I went in there I told him I quit all the vicodin and went through withdrawals and for him not to give me any more cause I had a problem with it – he was really cool about it (always deadpan anyway) and he did not ride me about it – just accepted it as a fact. Sooooo there you go – another source refused and/ or dried up…I am closing all the loopholes. One thing I never did was buy from the street and I don’t have any friends that are users – not that I would not have if I knew how!!!!! Oh my the coniving and lying and things we go through to get pills.
So – now my only source left would be the internet doctor but since this information gets back to my primary doctor I would not dare do it again…I’m over it anyway. I only want to get better and never look at another active pill addiction. I know I am still addicted – that never goes away – I just don’t want to act upon it.

All that aside – Yeah to DAY 24! I am soooo thrilled with that – and I have you guys to thank for it.
Hope you all have a very good evening and keep up the good work. As usual you are in my prayers and thoughts each day as I muddle through the days and come home to check my computer.
Love You
KittyMom

306 joe { 10.06.10 at 1:21 am }

Hey Now,

I Love coming here, and reading your posts guys. They offer me so much Hope.

The same power which helped me, appears to still be alive and well.

Stu-Nice. Rehabing in the home is nice, I did the same. Kicked, went throught the first few days and got on the path right from my very own abode.

I guess it’s never easy, no matter how we choose to detox.

It sucks.

Give yourself a break, it will be alright.

Kitty–Wow, I remember my first visit to a Dr., Clean.
I was a mess, I guess I had reached a point in my addiction where my wrong thinking cried, the only thing Dr. are good for are writing scripts for pain pills. If I got pills, they were a good Dr. If they gave me some bullshit, well they were a bad Dr.

I went and had a complete physical, explained my addiction, and asked for help. I was a year clean.

He did some blood work, some basic once over.

And for a dude who has traveled the hard road, I am in pretty good shape physically.

We talked about everything.

The one ongoing problem I have is a lower back pain (ongoing) and leg pain (circulation) this becomes severe at times, breakthrough pain. Ecspecially after a 8 or 9 day straight stretch at my Job.

I’m on my feet all day, working hard. I’m 44 not 24 so while I can keep up, the truth is the truth.

I also explained how, even though I was clean, and even though I was exercising, and praying, and writing.

I still felt isolated, I still felt fatigued, I still felt blah. Music was flat, Art was flat and I had a hard time reading anything of length,

I thought this just might be my mind and body healing. That eventually I would regain the joy of life.

As Stu mentioned I was a big self medicator, I used opiates to treat my depression and the vicious cyclle never ended.

I followed his suggestion, and began to take Lexapro once a day.

I was so scared to take a pill.

I was considering calling this active use.

I mean taking a pill to feel better, wasn’t that the orginal problem.

Well I have been on it since August, and while nothing earth shattering has happened, there have been a few worth while advantages.

One, there was a crack in the sameness, I began to feel stuff, Like Joy, and Peace. I felt a twinge of inspiration.

Two, it seems to provide a spark. A easing of my overall anxiety.

It demishes the cry for opiates, in those moments of nothingness.

I have not once been hit with the thought of take 2 Joe.

So I guess it is not triggering my addict.

Oh and one final personal note, sexually I’m like an 19 year old.

And sex had become non-exciting my first year being clean. I was really scared that I was done in that area.

So my visit to the Dr provided some critical points in my first year.

Identifyied some minor health issues. (back, legs, minor depression)

Provided some key solutions.

Allowed me to be honest with a Dr.

It was worth it. I hope your relationship with Dr.s become worthwhile in your life.

I will occasionaly share about, sex, money, physical health and God in my posts.

I relaize these are very personal issues. And if I go into an area you guys are not comfortable with. Please let me know.

It just those things, seem to be my greatest joys, and biggest stumbling blocks.

I need to practice honesty in them all.

This is like my only outlet to do that.

So, please bear with me, I love you guys.

Thanks for letting me share.

307 Stu { 10.06.10 at 5:52 am }

Cool story about the Dr. visit and double dip Kittymom. That is real good news those doors are closing. This last time out was the first time I ever “bought on the street” and it sucks. Very expensive, and there’s no denying the problem if you have to go to the “man” for your pills. Unfortunately mine was a very freindly guy and we had some fun together when I scored. Usually sat around and watched football with him and his girlfriend. As a matter of fact we spoke last night, not initially about pills, but it came up. I told him I quit.

Joe, I concur that antidepressants are not active use. They do a lot of good for a lot of people. My wife was a mess before she started taking them. They really turned her around, although we still struggle as a couple. As an individual she is much better. No need to go into the couple stuff right now. I touched on that a few posts ago and may never go back. As far as myself using them, I plan to do sort of what you did. Wait about a year then go into see my primary, get a complete physical and decide whether to get on them then. The virility comment was appreciated, and not in bad taste. To tell you the truth that was one of my concerns, that not only would I need the anti-depressants, but they would make me need something else for my sex life. I am not twenty one either. A healthy fifty three, but not what I was right out of college physically that’s for sure.

I finally got a reasonably good night sleep last night. I am still having vivid dreams, but no scary nightmares. Bizarre dreams. Thank God the nightmares are gone.

My Stu’s Serenity Gardens Rehab Center lesson for today will be to not fight life. Relax and take it easy. There have been some personal issues in the last year that have overwhelmed me and now that the pills are out of my system I seem to be able to look at them with a more balanced, less emotional view. I am still vulnerable though, that’s for sure. Breath deep, pray constantly and live. I have plenty to keep me busy without the dope.

Family
Recovery
Work – biz and rentals
Hobbies, including excersise, reading …

So. I remember life can be good.

Bye for now core4. I am praying for you guys and love you and our place here.

308 Trying to be Brave { 10.06.10 at 8:54 am }

Hi everyone!
I’m new to this board, but have been reading it over the last few days and am very grateful for all of your sharing.

A bit about me: I am a young professional who has succesfully hid my pill addiction from EVERYONE for the last 2 years. Originally, I started using very occassionally to deal with the pain/depression of a nasty divorce. Then, I became hooked on how the pills (vicodin) calmed me and made me feel happy during such dark times, and I got hooked.

Over the last 2 years, my use has increased to 5-10 Vic’s per day, mostly purchased from a, “friend.” I’ve been spending anywhere from $500-700/month on this, which is killing me. I now need to take them just to feel normal. I also don’t know who I am without them, since they numb all the negative feelings I have and produce a false sence of euphoria.

Well, I had major surgery a month ago and was prescrpibed heavy narcotics for my recovery. In the last month, I’ve taken 100 vic’s and 100 perc’s. I was in legitimate pain for two weeks, then have been using the rest recreationally.

I’ve decided that this is a great time for me to detox as I”m already home recovering, everyone expects me to feel sick, and I’m out of my med’s. I’ve been wanting to detox for a long time- I can’t afford the street pills anymore and want to have a baby one day and REALLY want to have a clean body well before hand. Most of all, I don’t want to be a junkie anymore. And that’s exactly what I am.

So, I got the Thomas Recipie and started it yesterday. Woke up, took the multi-vitamins, lots of Tylenol, and took hot baths. Didn’t feel terrible, just achy and had NO energy. I also feel a little fuzzy/dizzy/vertigo. Well, last yesterday I discovered I had a few Darvocet left and took 2. UGG! I feel like a total loser and failure. Broke down crying and felt super depressed. Went to bed and took an ambien, which put me to sleep. Woke up with bad RLS, ate a banana, and fell back to sleep.

Woke up this morning and took B6 and L-Tyrosine on an empty stomach, and I actually feel ok. Not bad w/d symptoms like I’ve expected. I feel hot in the face and a little achy, but that’s it. But, is that because I took the Darvocet yesterday? In the last 36 hrs. that’s all I’ve taken, which is a 10th of what I normally would. I’m scared that the really bad w/d symptoms are coming.

I’m also scared about not feeling happy on my own anymore. I know that body has to, “relearn” how to produce the chemicals that make us feel joy, so what do we do in the meantime?

Thanks in advance for any support/advice!
Good luck to you all!

309 Metoo { 10.06.10 at 9:13 am }

Hey, guys! Stu, I LOVE your SGRC!!!! LOVE IT!!! What a great, refreshing, NICE way to go about getting yourself right again. You are creating your own program, in your own space, because it IS your time to get right. Hat’s off to you, my friend. You are an inspiration to many others, I’m sure of it!!

Kitty, I think it is so great that you have cut off another supply line. You are insuring your success! It feels nice to come clean like that, doesn’t it?! Double Dippin’ Kitty got off the ride. I think it’s just great!!

Hey, Joe! Don’t ever think you’re going to give too much personal info here…if you feel like putting it out there, go for it. It is refreshing to be able to just let it go~to get it out to the universe. I am so happy that I have been able to see your posts over the course of your healing. You are healing well!! Keep up the good work, you 19 year old, you!! (That makes me smile big!!!) And good for you, dangit!!!

Have a great day, core4, and all others who are walking quietly with us….it’s a nice clean day!! :)

310 Kitty Mom { 10.06.10 at 1:18 pm }

Hey you all – I realllllly enjoyed reading your posts today and here I am at day 25 – Geeeeeze I had to go to the calendar and count – I lost track.
I really enjoyed the detail of your posts. I am on an antidepressant also – used to take it for PMS and stopped taking it after I did not need it for that any more – Zoloft is my ad – and it just takes the edge off of the stress I was feeling when I went back on it. I was going bolistic over the smallest of circumstances and when I think back on some of the things I got upset about – I must really have had an hormonal imbalance before the zoloft. Anyway – it does not make me feel weird and I never think of doubling the dose or anything and there were never any side effects when going off of it….just makes me feel normal.
So – I don’t consider it in the same class at all as the pain pills I was taking. I was feeling so much withdrawal pain between doses and the pain in my body is actually better than it used to be.
You guys can never say too much on this post – I enjoy hearing all your trials and tribulations as well as your WoW’s and triumphs and I am glad to present you with mine – it is just so great being able to come on here after work each day and talk to you.
One day at a time – I also consider my home my rehab center and glad I could get through it here at home – when I think of being locked up somewhere in a hospital or rehab center I could just scream! I was so afraid of the process that I was actually thinking of spending a BUNDLE on the rapid detox thing where they put you to sleep and detox your brain and your body for the tune of 7500 to 10K….boy am I glad I toughed it out and went cold turkey. It was bad but it is basically over already and I feel like I got my life back. It was because of my extreme will power once my hard head decides to do something and the love of my family (especially my sister who called me daily) and most of all because I came here and spilled my guts to you all – so you see there is a God and he answers prayers in strange ways….agree???
Well better go and prepare some dinner….talk tomorrow
Love always
Kitty Mom

311 joe { 10.07.10 at 1:18 am }

Rise and Shine Folks,

I come here at the end of my morning mediation, have for a while now. Man. It is really awesome.

Here is the thing, right. I have always, always deep in my soul wanted friends. You know, not high school friends, or work buddies, or college crowd, Or people I got high with.

No I just wanted a few close friends, that wanted what I wanted. To live at peace with their fellow man, persue a spiratual journey, listen to me, give me some love and encouragement.
And most improtantly, let me in. It is so hard to get below the surface, to risk, to let someone in.

God answers prayers, in strange ways—TOTALY AGREE

Yet, I really believe that is LIFE.

So if you go through this journey without it, well you really haven’t lived.

I WANT TO LIVE TODAY

It was so nice to hear you guys, give me permission to share.

Thank you.

This journey has finally turned the corner from saving my life, to living my life.

Today I will think of you guys as you go through your routines, the daily grind, so to speak,

Remember, I got your back. What the hell else do you need.

Oh and I can not stop laughing at this line, Only because I love you guys so much.

Dubble Dippin Kitty got off the ride.

Now that one line, to be able to hear it, understand it, laugh about it…well it makes the 30 years of hell, worth it.

Metoo, you have done it again, hit my sweet spot, God I love you.

Enjoy

312 Stu { 10.07.10 at 6:07 am }

I too come here after my morning meditation Joe. It’s great to hear from somebody that’s years down the road on this journey after pills. It gives me hope.

I love the line about double dipping. Got a good belly laugh out of it.

Well sleep patterns just keep getting better, and for that I am truly grateful. Back when I had multi year sobriety, in the 90′s, I can remember how good I slept, pretty much on demand (in the evening that is). I even bragged about it. Felt refreshed in the morning. It was a huge asset to my quality of life. Well, I don’t know about you guys but hydrocodone really messed with my quality of sleep, both when I was high and when I didn’t have any. Usually when the pills were “working” I would lay in bed for hours in a trans looking up at the ceiling. Only slept for three of four hours. Pot and booze add to the low quality of sleep too for me, no doubt. Finally I am seeing the beginingss of restful sleep and it’s wonderful. The quality of my life improves dramatically. It’s one thing to be sober, but if you feel like shit and are tired all the time my mind tends to say, what’s the use? It’s getting much better, but that brings me to some of my morning meditation thoughts. The first is the danger for me of cynicism. This one trait has brought me back to using perhaps more than anything else. It’s wrapped up in grandiousity and the just plain old f*** it’s. My mind started wandering there this morning and I quickly realized where it was going and pulled up the reines. It’s easy for it to run off in that direction, pretty soon I am angry, feeling sorry for myself, and the old “what’s the use anyhow” might as well get high thoughts come. At that point it’s almost a lost cause. Well here at the SSGRC (thanks for the acronym metoo) we don’t allow those thoughts. Since I am in “treatment” it was deliberately squashed. When I get out of my lock down I really am going to have to watch out. It’s been a recurring problem for me guys. There’s some stuff in my life I put the film in my mind, play over and over like a not stop real. It’s stopped for now. My goal now is to not fall back into the cynicism. Here’s the voice, “there’s no need to go back there. Just keep doing what you are doing and attempt to grow spiritually. Watch for it. It almost reared it’s head just now with regard to ***. Don’t go there. It’s the exact opposite of humility and gratitude.”

The other thought that came is that stress can kill. I believe it killed my dad. I get so wound up sometimes, all by myself I can get my heart rate up. Relax and don’t fight it are key.

All that having been said, I am in a pretty darn good place this morning. I guess God will look after me if I let Him. I just visited with a good buddy of mine, put on some of his boxing gloves and punched around on each other like eight year olds laughing like crazy. (I am NOT a boxer, he is and could easily kick my ass). At any rate it was fun frivolity.

Joe, Kittymom and metoo I appreciate your friendship.

Bye for now core4.

313 metoo { 10.07.10 at 11:44 am }

Kittymom, please do me the favor of allowing me to be the representative personally of my character (as you have already done, and I thank you for that)….I am the one whom Southernmom refers to on the other thread. She has my email address and knows how to reach me if she wishes to attack me. I don’t appreciate her taking our “dispute” to this forum, as it is certainly not where that kind of venom belongs!
If any of the core4 feels I have anything to explain to defend my own honor, I will gladly do so!! But, I will not do it on the forum. metoo05@live.com is my email address.

lol…on a happier note, I’m glad you liked my little line…lol..

I treasure you all, and feel so much more than I can say here, now. Thanks for listening!! :)

314 Kitty Mom { 10.07.10 at 12:59 pm }

Hey Yall – thanks for all your posts – and Metoo thanks for the update on the situation that Southern Mom speaks of, but as I told her, unless someone hurts me directly or I see others hurt directly, I take no action or retribution. I have nothing but good to say about everyone I have met on here until which time I have reason to doubt their motives…which I doubt seriously will happen. I love chatting and hearing about everyones trials and happy moments – that is all I need to know. I will not engage in gossip of any kind…I love to come hear and would not want to jeapordize any of your friendships….that being said

Hey guys – this is my 26th day clean…aren’t you proud of me – I am really proud of all your progresses and am glad Stu that you are ready to have a little fun in your life….I need to work on my sense of humor a little bit – I remember my husband and I use to laugh about all kinds of stuff – and now I feel a little on the serious side at times – so I need to start going out more to movies or antique stores or whatever and get some fun going. My husband and I stopped drinking many many years ago because of his type I diabetes and it just is not fun to be around a bunch of people drinking anymore…and believe me we had fun drinking when we were younger – hitting every bar in San Francisco, New Orleans, and Key West when we were there…hahaha – but I do not have desire to do those things any more….guess I am just downright boring when it comes right down to it – We enjoy being at home these days. I am so happy that I have this place to go and I am so happy that you folks listen to what I have to say and that you let your feelings out to me. Metoo, how are you doing – you are always uplifting the rest of us, but how are you doing???? Joe, I love your posts – you are really opening up to us for someone who says they don’t open up. And Stu – I am really happy you joined us and are doing so well with your rehab….I wish the best to all of you and hope you have a good restfull or productive evening whatever is your pleasure.
I am draggin hubby to Home Depot to get some bead board to put up wainscoting in our bathroom – tomorrow I will start the remodel – One thing I have always enjoyed was home improvement projects and that is what I am planning to do this weekend…..Love you guys
Double Dippin Kitty (what a blast you are Meeto)

315 joe { 10.08.10 at 1:00 am }

Good Morning Friends,

Friday–Love it

84 degrees and clear blue sky–love it

Waking Up Clean–Priceless

Once again your posts have me thinking this mornings.

Stu–I hear you on the cynisism. For me, the life changeing moment came when Adam(the blog owner) directed me to Rational Recovery.

I really believe in “The Beast” thereoy. My addict Mind-a broken peice of the pleasure center. It will always be there, but and the single most important SIMPLE fact, I DO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO IT.

I really believe that you are called to get clean by God (grace) you personaly then make a choice to not use (that’s all on the user) and if you choose not to use (grace joins forces with you to make it).

It a team effort man,

For me my addict voice is any thought, belief, feeling, reaction which moves me toward the thought, dope is OK.

Sometimes it screams, Sometimes it whispers, Sometimes it’s not even there.

Knowing who you are helps.

So I leaned on RR to get clean, The 12 steps and the bible to stay clean and grow, and internet message boards to connect with fellow travelers.

So far, So good.

MeToo-I Love you There is Never anything you would have to defend, in my little humble opinnion. The Love you bring speaks for itself. I am a better person for knowing you and have but one desire, to get to know you more. Precious spirits such as yours draw me like a moth to the flame.

To quote a good little bible diddy, if I may.

Those who do not gather, scatter.

Please keep coming back, I need you (really)

Kitty-the last 27 days with you have been magical, to watch you endure, persevere, love and share has brought the kingdom right to my laptop. I am so honored to be included in your process. You have made me a better man, through including me. I pray you let me hang around you, You got a lot to teach me, but what do they say,
When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

With love, on an incredible journey.

Your friend,

Joe

316 Stu { 10.08.10 at 5:20 am }

Joe, I will check out RR, thanks for the tip. I can use all the help I can get. From what I have read on this board about it, it sounds good.

KittyMom, I hear you about the boring life. Boring can be good though. I had tons of fun drinking, especially in my early days. Still crave “excitement” sometimes, although it tends to get me into trouble.

I don’t know how much of my history I have shared, but I am an alcoholic. So, I REALY like alcohol, I just tend to go way overboard, don’t know when, or can’t stop. I have been on about a six year drunk, after multiple digit sobriety. I am and have been a fairly highly functioning alkie, never lost my home, family, job and kept a roof over my head. That having been said, the booze and dope were kicking my ass, hard. I stopped drinking 8/31/10. I had been abusing hydrocodone for about six months, and the usage went way up after I quit the booze.

I was worried, rightly so, that I might go into the DT’s. I trembled and shook for the first few days, so I jacked the narcotics up.

FYI some of what I write here comes directly out of my meditation journal. I started journaling a couple of years ago at the suggestion of my therapist and sponsor. Therefore the text may be a little herky jerky sometimes. I will try to flush it out, but if things seem disjointed, that may be what’s happening.

I also keep a record, sporadically, of the levels of my depression. That’s for me to determine if it’s getting any better, and speaks to whether I may use anti-depressants.

I am using this board as a place to connect with you guys, but also somewhere to put down my thoughts to see on “paper” In the end it’s all about staying sober and finding some peace.

That brings me to yesterday. I had a significant set back from late morning on through the day. Went into a deep slide depression. Even out at one of my rentals in the woods, where I normally feel peace, I as a total mess. I had some panic, fear, depression thing overwhelm me. I felt like I was going crazy. RHR went from about 60 bpm to above 100. This is the shakiest I have been in a long time. I wrote when I got back “the worst it’s ever been”. My “depression scale” entry was eight, as high as I get.
(1 is no depression, 10 is “can’t go on it’s so bad”)

I have never been one to suffer “panic attacks” as some do, so this was a new and disturbing event. That having been said, I have had awful withdrawals from hydrocodone and alcohol, so I am not a stranger to panic and fear. My “clean time” is about eight days. I went a week or so just prior to that, went out for a few days and came back. So my system got cleaned out a bit, then used, now what I am claiming is eight.

It may be that this is just normal for the eighth day of clean off the pills. I have not been here before. Any comments from you guys would be appreciated. What was your experience?

The other consideration is that I am also coming off the six year drunk. At about forty five days on that, and it was a major change. I am sure I did some neurological damage while I was out drinking the last time. I am not a “tongue chewing babbling idiot” but there were definitely some brain cells killed. It may, and probably is, some effects from coming off booze.

Sorry pure “pill” users if this is off topic on this board. It’s part of my story though and I have and will take some liberties until someone calls me out.

Also, related, may be that I dealing with life sober. There have been, and are, some things, situations, in my life that would bring stress to anyone. I just don’t seem to be able to handle them. Joe, you made reference to some of those in your life a couple of posts back. I can’t quote exactly, but for me it’s fear relating to a bunch of stuff. Money, family, and what I call drama (that would be categorized in the “excitement vs. boring” category KittyMom). Like I said, boring can be good.

I believe God has given me direction; it’s just up to me to take it. Some of that is simple abstinence, from dope and places I take myself. I hope today is better than yesterday turned out to be.

Sorry so long winded today core4. I guess I felt I needed to get some stuff out.

Bye for now.

317 metoo { 10.08.10 at 5:56 am }

I am overwhelmed with the kindness you all have shown to me!! Thank you so much for believing in me. Joe, one of your posts said, “Remember, I got your back. What the hell else do you need.” And, Joe, you proved it. Thank you, my friend!!!

DDK, thank you for your kindness. Thank you for asking about my journey. I am so glad that I have kicked the O’s or who knows how bad my use would be at this stage of my life!!! The normal ups and downs of a woman in her late 40′s is enough to send a girl over the edge, but I’ve had a major shift in life that has left me reeling, giving everything over to God, and placing all my trust in Him, because that’s all I can do. Having the core4 to share things with is irreplaceable, and yesterday I felt so attacked that I even questioned that. Thank you, Adam, for taking the steps to stop the abuse. Yesterday, Adam made my day. Yesterday, Adam saved me. But, I didn’t hide behind a rock and pretend it wasn’t me being abused. Yesterday I stood up. Yesterday was a good day.

I am so proud of all of us for taking our own steps to become whom we are truly meant to be. Blooming into the creations that God Himself intended. Figuring out the puzzle of life, piece by piece, with the core4 and others helping find all the edge pieces that frame up the creation…Thanks, core4….

Stu, I am praying for you in your little rehab palace. I wish I were there to cheer you on in real life!!!! I wish I were there to make sure you took all of your supplements on time, and to bring you tea and snacks….I love thinking about that!!! So, imagine us all there beside you, my friend, and when you’re feeling down, you can talk to us. We will hear you! Praying for you, my Stu friend!!!! You’re on your way!!

Thanks, core4…I’ll be back, for shore. :)

318 Kitty Mom { 10.08.10 at 4:07 pm }

Hey my guys and girls –
I am a little late writing tonight – Parents stayed for dinner – actually Mom made a big pot of beef stew – and OMG was it ever the best.
Today the remodeling went well – Dad struggled with it but at his age (82) he still has it in him.
First time in a long while that I did not pop into the bedroom to down some pills while the folks were here. It was kind of strange. Mom though I love her to pieces can be kind of trying at times – critical at times…saying I should do things this way or that….I have always been a bit unorganized… in a creative sort of way…. not even unorganized – just sometimes I will stop what I am doing and decide to the paint the house or paint the fireplace or rip up the carpet and put down tile (JUST ON A WHIM). She, on the other hand has to think things out and plan on doing something for days – have all her supplies (ducks in a row) and then proceeds to do it. Not me – I will start something without even thinking about it.

Long story short – The bathroom as wainscoating and chair rail and new baseboard and now is ready for painting tomorrow a

319 Kitty Mom { 10.08.10 at 4:19 pm }

Whoops- what happenned
Did not mean to end yet.
Today is day 27 clean and I am feeling better each day. Today was a little weird without pills but not enough to take one – don’t have them anyway.
Stu – I am so very sorry to hear that you had a bad day and had what sounds like a panic attack. I think that what you have gone through in the past 45 days, this is bound to happen. Baby steps my friend – one day, one hour, one minute at a time. You will have ups and downs and you are really doing well – 8 days is a great great start from removing yourself for the evil pills and 45 days is terrific for the alcohol. And yes, you can talk about any part of your life you want to on here – not just the pills.
When you have a substance that you rely on to get though your days – no matter what substance it is – it take time to replace those days with something different. I know because the first week off the hydrocodone, I was thinking taht I can’t possibly get through daily life without them – and now I think I can – I know I can.
Joe – thank you soooooo much for the kind words and thanking me for including you in my recovery process. I am so honored that you think of it that way and I feel the same way about you.

Metoo – you are so upbeat to all of us on this board and you lift me up to the heavens each and every day. You are the angel on my shoulder as I go out into the world each day. I thank the three of you so much for this opportunity to share my thoughts eaqch aqnd every day.
Keep coming to this sanctuary
Keep lifting each other up
Your God’s little helpers (big helpers)
Love
Kitty Mom (DD Kitty Mom)

320 lil dove! { 10.08.10 at 4:42 pm }

Hey core4,I have been reading ur posts for months now and even though I’m not I feel like I’m a part of this site! The only thing is is that u all have stopped reachin out to otjers on here trying to get help,unless I’m missing it somewhere else. Idk! I’m a wife of almost 18yrs nd have 7kids! I’ve been an addict to onething or another since I was 14,I’m now 43 nd have been tapering off norco! To which I was up to 16to20aday for alongtime. Unfortuneately I’ve never had my own Dr but my hubby does so we half his nd go thru his 240 a month n aweek or less! Then he gets his refill nd we fill it 7days after we got the original script filled then we buy them the rest of the time! We r so broke and its been like this for years now. I have a lot of physical issues as he does also! He got struck on the job by a coworker n a heavyduty worktruck nd he has been outa work since08′! I’m a stay at home mom that I had been n 4major car accidents,a previous physically abusive relationship for 8yrs gave birth to 5babies nd lugged them everywhere back to back forever! Then felldown stairs 2imes n 2weeks with the last fall resulting n painful n annoying pain n my lower discs nd sciatic nerve damage that at times is unbearable. This is my 5th or 6th attempt at cold turkey stopping,although n 06′ God completly delivered 100%of norco n smoking over night with no w/d at all! Untill the falls then went back to them after being clean n free for 3months! My walk with the Lord was strong n I saw many miracles take place! I wish I woulda never have let that go for those dumb pills! Thankfully I have only 3teens left at home I don’t ever wanna w/d n front of them,its bad! There’s no sleep with w/d nd insomnia but I’m hoping after this quick taper I won’t w/d to bad! The pain n my back,hip n leg is rough. Plus I deal with extreme depression nd thoughts of suicide almost 24-7! Can’t live like this or can’t live w/addiction either. I’m tired so tired of life as I know it to be for me or my family! Not having a dr to talk to or to help me,I end up puttin my husband thru so much stress,sorry if I’m rambling don’t mean to. There’s so much to say n no one to speak to,so I thought I would try to post here! Oh well congrats to. All of u that made it thru ur horror of detox!and to all of those that come after you nd make it to the otherside of life after detox. Stay strong nd please never go back its a lot worse if u do! Bless u all,n praise Jesus 4he is the way,the truth n the life! Byebye. Ps keep posting but don’t forget there r others out here to!

321 lil dove! { 10.08.10 at 9:08 pm }

Maybe that was to much info for a firsttimer? Idk what’s up with the moderation comment at the bottom of my entry is that normal? Guess I’ll just keep reading posts for now,nd keep mine to myself! Best wishes to all! I do pray that other ppl out there reading these get thru their own detox and remember how hellish it was and don’t ever look back! For some I’m sure, I know the fear of it makes it worse than it really can be! Look at it as the worst flu you’ve ever had,but if u have the chance taperdown first. If not you will live,don’t be overtaken by fear,fight those thoughts with positive ones. Count the smallest blessings you can find each moment! If u have help even better,if not you will b ok soon! I promise! Then start finding things to occupy ur time nd ur mind to replace the thoughts of using! Please don’t let the guilt overwhelm you either no ones perfect everyone has their skeletons. And there is happiness nd joy beyond the addictions! Step one is the wanting to stop,just know whoever you are,whatever you’ve done,you are not what addiction defines you to be! You can control ur life again nd not a pill or drug or drink! Life is out there waiting on u to live nd not just exsist! My heart goes out to everyone here or just reading here I know all pain all to well! Hope this posts! Lil dove!

322 Kitty Mom { 10.09.10 at 3:56 am }

lil dove,
Yes we have been a four way chearing squad here for a while but don’t mean to shut anyone else out. Sounds like you are hurting real bad but wanting to get off those evil pills – It is difficult and painfull and you think it will never end and that there is not life without the pills – but that is absolutely not true – there is life after pills – there is hope that you can do it. You must be very strong to be able to taper – as long as I had pills I would take them – never able to taper so cold turkey was the only way that I was able to do it. During the first few days, I took just a few hours at a time and the first three of four days were the worst. It is not exactly the same for everyone but if I could do it you can do it….I thought that I could not even leave the house without pills – but in the past 27 days – 28 counting today, I have learned that I can do everything I did with pills – without pills. It would be good if you could find a doctor to help you with your depression – buy hey, my doctor was absolutely no support whatsoever – he was like clueless of what I was going through. I told a few of my family members about it and one friend but the biggest support has been coming here each and every day listening about what others are going through and spilling my guts to them also. Also the vitamins and minerals in the thomas recipe seemed to help also. You will not die from withdrawals as bad as they might seem….you can do it and I plan of talking with you each day if you are on here….so put that beast to rest and when that last pill is gone – hang tough and each day will be a blessing when you mark it off on the calender….You Can Do IT!!!!
Love
Kitty Mom

323 southern mom { 10.09.10 at 7:55 am }

Hello Kitty and Core4 members.
I have been warning you that there is someone in your group you need to be very careful with, she has already come out and said it was her, Metoo. She has done some pretty hateful things to me in the past and she struck another dear friend from these message boards again today, putting him in the hospital. He has serious issues with depression and has already been hospitalized once for this. We all used to be a group, just like the core4, we all helped and supported each other. When metoo determined that I wasn’t doing my detoxethe way she thought I should, she cut me out of her life. At this very sensitive time, I was devastated! When I saw she had latched on to another group I went cold with fear that she was going to do this again to someone else, thus my warning.
Because my friend has also kept in touch with her, I thought it would be best if he and I didn’t discuss her and we didn’t we had so much else to talk about, while she kept putting him the middle and pressuring him to choose between us. He continued to be friends with us both and even asked her to stop trying to put him in the middle.
Since I sent out my warning to Kitty mom, she (metoo) has gone to him saying horrible things about me and once again pressuring him to choose, he did choose and he chose me, he was fed up with her constant bitching about me, a true friend. So now he is in the hospital because she wouldn’t stop hounding him, no matter what he said (and i read all the e-mails she sent to him).
Once again I will warn you about her, be careful, if she decides you aren’t worthy of her time and attention (like she did with me) she will cut you out of her life and will try to cut you out of everyone else in the groups lives too.
I am not without guilt, I carry it around every day, but I am trying to get well, I am trying to get sober, I am fervently praying for God’s grace and help. I am almost a month sober, largely with thanks to my friend who is now in the hospital.
My prayer is, if I spare even one person from the pain I went through with metoo, then I have fulfilled God’s plan for my and I will continue on my goal to get sober, stay sober and then use whatever experiences I have to help others.
Your core4 group is a wonderful tool towards sobriety, but it will all crumble if one member thinks they have the right to judge the others and so and say anything she has to have everything “her way” .
My prayers are with you all, I am sorry that I have had to be bearer of bad news, I just care.
I know you all pray so please pray for my friend today!!
In God’s grace, have a blessed day
sm

324 Stu { 10.09.10 at 8:36 am }

Hydrocodone Withdrawal Cranberry Cocktail Recipe

This may not be the right board for this, but to jump around makes me dizzy, so here goes.

H/C W/D Cranberry Cocktail

Mix 1 part Lakewood Pure Cranberry
4 parts Mountain Valley Spring Water.
Serve cold, no ice.

It’s OK to knock down 6 to 8 ounces strait up. The stuff tastes so bad it’s got to be good for you. It looks like purple iodine or something.

Recipe also works with Pomegranate.

The trick is to keep in watered way down.

Other juices I drank in moderation with a water back (Mt. Valley Spring)

Grapefruit Juice
Carrot
OJ
Tomato (A little bit)

I went to a health food store and bought a vegetarian multi. B12 and Calcium. I am not a vegetarian.

I am not a health food, organic “fan” and think sometimes this stuff is blue smoke and mirrors. The pure Cranberry and vitamins were special and worth the extra effort to get them.

I believe nutrition was and is important in my recovery, early and on down the line. I struggle with pigging out on sweets since I quit booze too.

Joe, I went to the RR site and read around. It was interesting. Sort of an “Ayn Rand” version of recovery vs the old 12 step. I like to learn about the physiological/brain stuff. It helps to know there really is something going on up there in some small place. The key is what to do about it. It’s there and it’s real.

I am having a great morning. Went out for a “community run” 10K. My knee did not hurt. That’s the good news. I was light on my feet for the first time in weeks, even though my legs are still sore.

Bye guys.

325 Kitty Mom { 10.09.10 at 8:52 am }

Southern Mom – please let it go – at least on this board.
I feel bad that you were hurt but we are all grownups here and if someone hurts us – then we will deal with it. No disrespect meant. We are in the same boat here trying to overcome our addictions and no pettiness is allowed!
Love and bewt wishes
Kitty Mom

326 southern mom { 10.09.10 at 10:03 am }

Kitty mom,
I know I have let this go for my own health’s sake, but I would hardly call it petty when your actions put someone in the hospital.
I have had my say and I am finished, I wish you all much luck and God’s grace on your paths.
Metoo, no need to respond to me here, just like you said, you have my home e-mail address.
sm out!

327 Kitty Mom { 10.09.10 at 11:41 am }

This is my daily post
Day 28
No Metoo today?
No Joe today?
Hope you are all right and it is just a busy weekend. I have been in the house all day – just taken care of house chores and watching our daughters puppey so back and forth letting him in the back yard and playing fetch. Dogs are a lot more needy than cats – cats could care less if you are there or not. He is really cute and I am enjoying him this weekend. I have to get ready soon for a dinner I am going to with hubby. He is out all day and I may have to meet him there if he does not get home soon. I actually fell asleep for an hour watching TV also…that is a first in 28 days..haha.
Well gotta go get ready – hope you all post later and check in and are all right. Love you guys
Kitty Mom

328 lil dove! { 10.09.10 at 12:11 pm }

Thank you so much for your response kitty mom I really do appreciate it! I’m only strong enuf to taper cus I have to no choice,the bad thing is I have no only used the vicodin for the physical pain but also for the mental and emotional pain also to drown out all the hurt nd wen I’m off it all floods right back. I’ve never learned to have a coping mechanism outside of drug use! I started using meth n pot at 14 bcuz of sexual abuse,then at 17 got into a violently abusive relatioship,18 my beloved mother died 2weeks b4my first son was born so a month later I used more than ever for 5years untill I got pregnant w/my daughter n 92 that was wen I decided I had to change so I asked the lord to come into my heart and I was clean! Left my abuser and married my hubby and was clean off everything for years,untill these pills came in 99′ and have both used them for physical pain untill It seemed like they were masking other things also! There has been a tidal wave of things that have happend over the last 5years and I just don’t know how to cope! I know I need to depend on the lord for everything I just waiver n my faith so much,but today I will start to pray again and trust n him instead of those evil little pills! This board has been a lifeline to me and I know it is for others that are just reading it and not joining. It does have to be a safe haven tho! There are to many wounded ppl out here that don’t need anymore drama n our lives! Southernmom I’m prayin for u nd ur friend I no its hard! Meetoo I’ll be praying for u also along w/the core4! Once again kittymom u don’t kno how much it means to me for u to respond back to me I appreciate you very much. I’m also very proud n happy for you to b at a month into this! Keep up the good work to all of you! Thanx Lil Dove!

329 Joe { 10.09.10 at 12:32 pm }

Hi Folks

Enjoying the incredible weather here in Texas. we get about a month in the spring and a month in the fall where it is just so awesome outside.

Soccer game this morning..Home now for about 7 hours of College Football.

Hey I occasionaly give the personal inventorying a break.

Sometimes I let my hair down and enjoy life to the fullest.

Enjoy your dinner Kitty. Lucky lady, I’m having Hot dogs on the grill.

Stu–nice I enjoy reading about all the various herbs, concotions and drinks people use.

Metoo-I love you.

Enjoy folks. Life is short and we are alive. Free and have internet access.

Love
I take a vitamin, Which is change.

330 Kitty Mom { 10.09.10 at 5:25 pm }

Just came on here again to see if MeToo is allright – if you are out there MeToo please let me know you are OK – the rest of us have posted today especially me since I have been at home all day – God bless all my friends on here and talk to you all tomorrow.
Love You All
Kitty Mom

PS – Dinner was good but we stopped at Yogurt Spot on the way home for frozen yogurt and that was even better!
Beautiful day in Florida!

331 joe { 10.10.10 at 2:37 am }

Good Morning guys,

Joe here,

The weirdest thing just happened, I spent like 20 minutes writing this long, elequent posts addressing the posts of the last few days.

I am up early and reading them all very carefully. I prayed and than wrote.

As I got toward the end, something happened, I hit a wrong key or the Ghost in the machine came alive.

And the heart felt post is gone.

I don’t have the energy to rewrite the whole thing, So I offer a Recap. The twitter version, if you will

First,

Lil Dove–It is so awesome to have you on board, after reading your posts I am amazed at all you are going through. Please keep coming back.

It sounds like you don’t want to go out on dope,

The Good News which I proclaim everyday is simply this.

IF YOU DON’T WANT TO USE DRUGS TODAY, YOU DON’T HAVE TO.

Next,

This METOO, Southermom issue.

I have always considered this forum SACRED ground, because I had my first encounter with GOD here. I established a connection to GOD right here. It is my Isreal, so to speak.
So my kneejerk reaction is to say, Hey this bullshit ain’t cool here.
But who am I.
I am just a traveler, I have no clue what the issue is, and I have no dog in the fight, so to speak. Having gotten to know METOO a bit, I know she can find a resoultion that works for her.

I would ask that all postings remain respectful of the Man who created this space and The love he pours into it. As always Adam, thanks brother.

Metoo–I Love you, more than words can express. Your post are very much a part of my journey. I wish so deeply to keep walking it with you. You know come what may, I need you in my life. It makes me feel alive to read your words, to share my thoughts with you. I pray you keeping coming back. If you decide this space is unhealthy for you please keep me in your life somehow. I am so enthralled by our journey.

Kitty Mom–You also have become a very intregal part of my journey, I look forward to your insight, your sharing and your dedication. I was thinking on your skills at redoing stuff around the house. Maybe you can redo me-I mean maybe your real skill is not fixing up the bathroom, which is nice, but maybe in turning a mannerless, selfcentered, excon, with issues of addiction, Into well a gentleman, a real man, kind, considerate and professional, with a higher intellegence, purpose and calling.
Maybe that is why your here. I don’t know. I do know, that something inside of me stirs upon reading your posts, something in my spirit clings to you.

It’s a tall order, but I gotta ask, will you help me. Please.

Stu–whatever you fucking do, please don’t leave. I need a dude here, for real. I need a guy. I am one of those guy’s guy’s. And well I need you brother.

Love to all No expcetions

332 Kitty Mom { 10.10.10 at 6:43 am }

Hey everyone – here I am at exactly four weeks – Sunday to Sunday to Sunday to Sunday – this is 29 freaking days and the best part about it is the people I have met on this board.
Joe – your last post (the short version you call it) is inspiring and I hope in some small way I can fix you….if you indeed need fixing. Your soul is deep and your words have inspired me to keep coming back. You are absolutely correct in that this is a place to connect to God and that it is sacred. I hope with all my heart that any hurt that was done to anyone can be put behind them….like you said, I have no dog in this fight either….and I love the people who come here for help and guidance that have the same battles to overcome. I welcome new people also and want them to join with us in our journey. Lil Dove welcome and I will pray for you when I pray for the rest of us here trying to get through the days with no pills, alcohol, fighting anxiety and depression, whatever it may be.
On a positive note, we are healing each day through friendship, love, and the fact that God is lifting up our burdens in his strong hands so that we may have peace.
I have come a long way in the past few weeks, am sleeping normakl each night, am getting through each day getting more joy back each day, and smiling inside knowing I have these angels on my shoulder.
Yes Stu, we do need you on here too….and Metoo, we especially need you and your uplifting comments and connection to God. You all inspire me – If I seem sappy today – it is because I am! I need you guys and hope that in some small way – you need me also. Hope you all have a beautiful Sunday afternoon and are one small step closer to healing….Love, Kitty Mom

333 Stu { 10.10.10 at 7:53 am }

KittyMom, awesome, awesome, awesome on your month!

I got ten days. On ten, ten, ten. I don’t think that happens very often. It must be some special numerical convergence.

Joe, I have deleted long and eloquent posts just before meaning to send them too. I get the same vibe, that it probably wasn’t meant to be sent, or read. Sometimes I do the same thing with my journaling. I have a “throw away” journal. I shred the pages after I have written them. Stuff I don’t want anybody to see, but think it might help me to get it down on paper.

I too feel this board to be sacred ground. It’s all about recovery. Individual, personal as that may be. There are some real benefits to the total anonymity of it. We lose voice tone and visual cues though. In the end that’s probably a push.

I was at Sunday school, five years or so ago. A guy walked in off the street, new to the group. He started going off on how he owned a jet, a yacht and saying all this real weird stuff. I didn’t know quite what to think. My initial reaction was the guy was an arrogant ass. That’s what I thought I saw, and how I reacted.

A buddy or mine was in the room who is a psychiatrist. He told me the guy was manic and probably schizophrenic. He sort of called me out, in a nice way, later. I don’t do well with this sort of thing, but know some people need extra help. That’s way beyond the scope of this board.

Gotta go now guys. Awesome line up of NFL on a beautiful fall day.

334 metoo { 10.10.10 at 9:34 am }

Hey, core4 and lil dove!!! (I love the lil dove name!!! A harbinger of PEACE~welcome :) )

Peace. I need to let that settle into me today. After spending yesterday doing things around my little home, I came here this morning, and found anything but peace awaiting me. Sad. My first reaction (of course) is to defend myself, but I am no opponent for this match. I’m just not that kind…no matter how I was portrayed. Instead, again, I will say that this forum is no place for venom. Misunderstandings happen, and now I can see what happens when you allow things to fester. Praying for peace is all that I can do. It will do me no good to reply in anger, so I will turn the other cheek. I am certain that our common friend has many other issues more important than me on his plate. I find it ludicrous that I would be a cause of this. I will pray for my friend instead of shouldering misplaced blame.

Thank you to the core4 and our new lil dove for having my back. I needed you all this morning more than you know~~and yet, I think you all know. Thanks….

A MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kitty mom, that is FAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT makes my day!!! And Stu has 10 days on the 10th!!!!! :D These are sweet days of victory over this “thing” that all of us thought we would never be free of!! But something IS working….and it’s real.

I love you guys, and THANKS AGAIN….

335 lil dove! { 10.10.10 at 10:14 am }

Man the unfortunate thing is that we may never meet face2face on this earth,but its nice to be able to get so connected to ppl uve never met! Joe and stu I applaud u bout for being real men that are willing to open urselves up nd just b real,in my world that’s never heard of! So thank you. Meetoo don’t stop posting its to bad what happend but u were the first one here to reach out to everyone,so please post something! Southermom I miss ur journey too along w/ur friends during ur church time n praying please don’t forget about forgiveness n mercy for all Jesus will help u get there my thoughts nd prayers r with u all! Kittymom to u I thank especially for reachin out to me,I don’t like the lonley feelings and I’m up all night so I come here often just checkin in then can’t wait till u all post!I’m down to almost nothing now nd have went thru some of w/d by the tapering no$ to get recipe so hopefully they won’t b full blown! I do have some?s but I’ll save for nexttime. Love ,prayers n best wishes to all! Lil Dove!

336 lil dove! { 10.10.10 at 1:36 pm }

Joe n stu I’m in awe that u two are romantic guys I only wish for that in my life! Yes I’m posting again goin thru the freakout stage right now just had a really heavy talk with my 18yr old daughter nd had to tell her something life changing for her! Which made me want to use to numb the pain but thought I would try to vent here instead! Very very down today but it is a beautiful day outside, hope ur all enjoyin ur weekend! God bless one n all! Hope to see a post soon tho!

337 metoo { 10.10.10 at 4:25 pm }

Hey, lil dove, I want you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you too. Know what??? THIS is going to be a HUGE victory for you!! It sounds like you have been through SO MUCH in your life…and starting using substances so young, it’s hard for you to gauge what it will be like when you’re clean. On the flipside of that, IMAGINE what a victory this will be for you~~to really get down to brass tacks and to find the YOU that’s in there, hidden behind the crap that we use to mask everything. I totally understand all of the reasons why we all use. For myself, it could be a crappy day and I would NEED something to make me feel better, or it could be a great day, and I would STILL need something, because it’s a celebration!! It’s just a never ending circle. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gotten “clean” only to go back again with the mentality of, “oh, see?? Withdrawal wasn’t THAT bad…and I can do it again…” and that mentality has led me down the road soooo many times. Too many. Finally, I can say that I made it. No more withdrawals. Lil dove, I know you can do it too. And part of the adventure will to be seeing who you really are underneath! It sounds to me like you are a very caring and loving person, and a mother of 7?!!! Honey, if you can have 7 babies, this is going to be a walk in the park (ok, well, not really, but having 7 babies earns a LOT of respect from this kid!!! I am the youngest of 10, and I can’t IMAGINE the kind of grit you have!!) You can do this. You have all the tools inside you.

The really good part is that you’ve tapered! I’ve NEVER been able to taper. I am hoping that when it’s time to be done, your tapering will have paid off big time. But one thing I didn’t find in your posts is why you are stopping your use?…? Maybe I missed it, but I tend to think that if you are really, really going to do this, it helps to remember just WHY you hate the pills. You know? I think it’s time to get pissed off at them. That might be the biggest part of the detox recipe? And those are really the things you need to think about when you’re hurting. Then use that anger to propel you ahead….just thoughts…

Lil dove, I thank you for posting as much as you did today, and I welcome you to the crew here! It is true as you said in your first post that it didn’t sound like an open group, and now I hope you see that that isn’t so. We need LOTS of folks on the path with us, and I am so glad that you went ahead and posted when you did. We needed you~~I just didn’t realize how much I needed you. Your reasons for use sound a lot like mine did, which struck a chord. Please keep posting, and keep us in on how you are feeling!

Hey, Kitty~Thanks for being so great…I am thankful for your open heart and your spirit. I will not hurt you, and you know that. But thanks anyway, for KNOWING that!! (That didn’t make sense, but I know you know that I know that you know. You know??) LOL. I needed you to have my back, and you were there. Priceless. I owe you.

Stuart!! It sounds like you are doing just great. As I was thinking about you today, I realized that you are really in a great place to detox. You have great people to reach out to~there is some great quality of experienced people that you can choose to surround yourself with. It’s like knowing a chiropractor when you really need an adjustment. And I hope you can see that the angels are putting everything you need right there at SGRC. And I really shouldn’t start talking about angels, because there is not enough space on the website!! I am just thankful that the angels ARE there with you, Stu, stocking your home and your heart and your mind full of everything you need to get to day 11. Then 12…and many more great days to come…You’re kickin!! :)

Joe, it’s getting kind of full on your path, huh??? I remember the days where you would post, and all of us were lurking. I lurked for a long time, watching you walk, cheering you on in silence. I really honor you, and I mean that. You have really done something special~~not JUST in your detox, but for really laying it out for us all to take in…to appreciate what you’re sharing…and to think so much of you that we couldn’t help but join in the walk. I treasure you. Even if you’re only 19….LMAO!!! (I still :) when I think of that..)

Ok, time for dinner. Please pray for my friend….and my other lost friend…thanks, guys… thanks.

338 lil dove! { 10.10.10 at 9:20 pm }

Oh thanks meetoo I realy needed an uplifting word today! My whole life has been a hellish experience idk to much to post at onetime here but I’ll share alil here n there if its ok? I do hate the pills they have destroyed my life my family, with my hubby being outa work as a heavy equipment operator/foreman work has been scarce! Living on unemployment we pay wat we can and the addiction takes the rest! Tears rolling down my face as I tell u we have lost everything! And been homeless for 2years stayn where ever we can. Not just the pills but no work. When hubby worked he made good $ now we’ve hit rock bottom! At times I just want to end all the crap nd hurt nd not b more of a financial burden on them anymore, but I don’t want to go to hell either! Plz forgive me if this is to much for this site, I have no one to talk to like this! That’s y I’ve numbed w/these stupid things! Sin always keeps u longer than u want to stay! We found my 18 year old daughters real dad today finaly and he wants nothing to do with her, I’m hurtn so bad for nd want to use so bad, but instead of taking 4-10′s I’ll take one to calmdown nd hope it helps. I’m sorry I don’t mean to bring anyone down,nd hope I’m not! Plz forgive me! Hello kittymom hope to hear from u also,joe n stu u r real men! Thank u meetoo! Tryn to pray need to focus on him! Bless u all, never forget bout grace n mercy r new every morning nd when we forgive we receive forgiveness love all Lil Dove’

339 Joe { 10.11.10 at 2:21 am }

Monday—YEAH!!!!!!!

WOW–the best thing about being clean and staying clean, for me is THE JOY.

I mean LIL DOV, i hear the pain, the hoplessness, the fear, the lonliness in your voice.

It is the most awedul place to be, isn’t it.

I mean that mental state, is hell isn’t it?

Now I was in the exact same state, in fact for folks like us, I think that’s how we get to the kingdom, see and the wonderful thing about being in the kingdom of love. It no longer matters what the circumstances are.

Shifting my life from a flesh based exsistence to a spirtiual based life was only afforded me by Grace.

This sounds crazy, but you know what, I am HAPPY.

Girl, you can go through this thread and watch and read about the changes. THEY ARE REAL.

It was put to me this way.

We are God’s meal. Like a roast.

He puts us in the oven to cook us just to perfection.

Now , some of us think we know best, so we get out of the oven before we are done.

So he puts us back into the oven for some more cooking.

Well, on May 23, 2009..after more relapses then anyone I know personally, after commiting moere sin, then folks I meet, after the jails and the rehabs and the loss. I was finally done.

He pulled me out of the oven. Just right.

In other words, we are done when we are done.

Are you done?

Of course The Beast will never be done, that’s why we have a spirit.

Now, am I not suddenly some self ritesous religious zealot. No.

I’m a 44 year old guy, who is finally not under some type of paper?

For you non-system folks. That means no parole, probation or court ordered program.

I enjoy my freedom.

You can be free TODAY, you have been called, what’s it gonna be.

Either way your loved. By me and By God. But why not turn that frown upside down and flip the script.

Life can be fun, you know.

I mean I get to come here and ENJOY LIFE. Then I go out and ENJOY me day.

METOO–I’m burying this deep in the post, see if you catch it.. Once again you show me how GREAT, the spirit within you is. That post was electric, you have filled me with a wonderous joy. I think you have taken up residence inn my spirit and ignite it daily. I have no idea how you SHINE on, but man I am so thrilled to watch it. The thought of you smiling makes it all so worth while, Just please remember and never forget, you have given me far more than I could ever give you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.You are the BEST.

Stu–So how’s it going, or like we used to say up in those smoke filled rooms of AA in Philly. What’s really going on, brother.

Kitty, A month, My God time flies. And yes your touch is exactly what I need. See the one thing I fear most right now Is having an adult relationship with a sucessful woman, I mean and taking a risk to voice share and ask. I have hidden behind a mask of humor, knowledge, and bullshit for oh 30 years. I know deep inside there is a guy worth having around, I thought through my relationship with you built on Honesty and Respect, we might uncover him, and maybe just maybe this could help you. See Kitty the dope for me was a crutch it filled the void, it kept the show going on. I don’t have that now and if I don’t change on a deep level, well I’m afraid I might go back.

I know that typically one would choose a guy to kinda lead him, mentor him. But I have no fear of men, so I mean I just don’ t see the growth comming from there. I see a common bond with guys, but My soul as always cried out for the relationship of reciprocity with a woman, I don’t know.

I know your not a Psychiatrist, or Preacher. And maybe I am bothering the hell out of you.

But you appear to be, loving, educated, spiritual, sucessful, beautiful, wise, compassionate and funny, These are the attrubutes that scare me. The most. I mean I would actually have to be my best to have a freindship with a woman like yourself. And I never pushed myself in that area, or pushed hard enough to change, in fact I have never had a freind like you, it scare the shit out of me. Like METOO, you ladies are so far out of my league, I don’t know. I’m scared.

Baby steps, you know.

Anyway, I want to run and hide now, I eget like that after I share, Guess I’ll hide out down at the plant today. I work in a chicken plant, I feel ashamed to say it, to folks like you. See we could start there, Would you even consider having a friend that operates a machine at a poutry. God, I don’t want to know that answer.

maybe after i finish Law school or soomething, we can start this. I’m to fillled with shame.

Allright. Peace my friends, Peace be with you.

340 Stu { 10.11.10 at 5:55 am }

Someone snuck some pot into the rehab center! I was afraid of this. I have to come clean guys, Friday I got some weed and smoked a couple of joints. Same thing Saturday and Sunday. Since this is a hydrocodone board I guess you won’t kick me out. I am not going to change my sober date. Last Thursday was a REAL bad day for me, day seven off all sedatives. Recall my “panic” attack deal. Well that’s how I justified it. The stash is gone and I am going 100% squeaky clean again. FYI it did help, but I am NOT recommending it.

Total abstinence is what keeps coming up in my morning meditations. Not only the drugs, but bad behavior. I did pretty good on that front, although there was some contact with the old “rabbits” that should probably not have taken place. A lesson could have been learned there, it did not look good by any rational thought or observation.

I look at this as being on week two, even though it’s day eleven off the pills. Will keep the rehab mindset. I only have one goal, and one measuring stick. That is to say sober.

I wrote this prior to logging on, or reading any new posts today. Sort of like betting without looking at my hole cards. I have a little GA in me too. Oops. 0 and 5 for the season. Ain’t that great.

Joe, KittyMom and Metoo. Have a great week.

341 metoo { 10.11.10 at 6:46 am }

Hey, Lil Dove…I know it’s so hard sometimes and it seems the only way out is to take yourself out of the picture! But that makes me very sad~~you have touched our lives here, and now we wouldn’t be the same without you. You have a tough road ahead, but I think you have a great team behind you here, and though circumstances are NOT ideal for you right now, just imagine….dream with me for a minute…..Imagine this:

A clean slate. A clean canvas. That slate/canvas is YOUR LIFE. Erase all of the past hurts, transgressions and miseries with FORGIVENESS. Clean it off. Leave no smears. Then, color by color, kindness by kindness, DESIGN YOUR NEW LIFE. Fill it with all of the colors of your favorite things…your children, your talents, YOUR DREAMS. Paint the canvas everyday….everyday~just like Joe did…and if you dare to dream it, if you dare to create it, IT IS REAL, and it WILL come to pass for you. I see soooo much strength in you, lil dove!! We are all stronger than we know, but I can see YOU especially with the determination and just plain old GUTS to get this job done. Don’t forget to dream…

Joe. You. Slippin’ things in the middle of posts to trip me up. LMAO!!! Ok, you got me. I skimmed over the posts yesterday because I was filled with all kinds of feelings. What I was left with is the knowledge that I am ok. Anyone who knows me in “real life” knows that I will be first in line to help anyone. I had to shake off the dust yesterday, and I am glad that you could see my shine come back. And I love the roast theory. There is so much truth in that oven!!!! And, just for the record, about the “fowl occupation”… there is NOTHING WRONG WITH ANY OCCUPATION. A man off to work is an admirable thing. It doesn’t matter where he works or what he does, the important thing is that HE DOES. Besides that, you probably earn a hell of a lot more than other folks! I spent some time making tin can lids. Oh, yeah!! What a ruckus that causes when they start flying off the belt or pallet onto the cement floor. And all you can do is laugh. It’s a job. It’s a lot like therapy!! I salute you, Joe, for keeping the world in chicken. I love chicken!! :D

Kitty mom, you are a month and a day in the clear!! When is your celebration?? I think you should plan a special dinner, or a night to celebrate YOU. No one else has to know why you feel like celebrating~~only you need to know…wouldn’t that be fun???!!! You have just accomplished a most amazing feat. It’s a victory. It’s YOU.

Stuart. How are things going there for you? Have you had any more issues with anxiety? I am thinking of you, and praying for you, my friend. All will be well soon!!!!

Is there anyone else out there who would like to join us on this walk?? Please don’t be afraid to do what each of us has done. It takes one step to get on this path~~but you’ve got to take that step…

Shine on, Core4 and our Lil Dove….

342 metoo { 10.11.10 at 10:37 am }

Hey, Stu!!! I think if a little weed helps you get off something far worse, SO BE IT!! There are bigger fish to fry. If it gave you a few mini vacations, well, I can’t think of anyone more deserving than you. So, I say, give yourself a break. Cuz you still rock!!!!

343 Kitty Mom { 10.11.10 at 1:21 pm }

Hey everyone –
I am here with 30 days under my belt and after reading all your posts, I feel love, friendship, and companionship like the mother load. Thanks for being here and thanks for including me in all your journies. Lil Dove, you are the one most in my thoughts today because even though the other four of us have our down moments – we need to be stong for you now. We have been where you are now (the pill part any how) and we have made ourself numb to forget situations in our life that we could not cope with. But, you can make up your mind (which is separate from the addicted part of the brain) that you can do this – you can get off those pills…..it is hard….it is painful….but think of the money you will save or be able to put to better use. I am saving about 200 every ten days by not taking pills….that is a load of money isn’t it – I am ashamed of admitting such a thing but we are truthfull on here and I just wanted you to know.
I am praying for you to finally make up you mind to heal yourself….and you will heal ….you will find y0urself, the real you, the one you are without pills. On the other hand, we will not forsake you if you fail…we have all been in that situation and when it is the right time – you will be strong and overcome your fear of being clean. Please let us know daily how you are doing.
Joe – you are already my friend, so cut out the crap about not being worthy – you are worthy and you are my friend. I hope I am worthy to be YOUR’S!
Stu – don’t beat yourself up about smoking the pot….The pain pills are the ass kicker you need to worry about now…and you are well on your way my friend – most definately count your 12 days! Metoo – what angelic planet are you from….you are the one most likely to have our backs and I truly believe that. Without you we would be nothing….I know the others will agree!
All that being said – I had a boring day at work – not enough to keep me busy for 10 hours and a slow crawling kind of day. I felt the most anxiety that I have felt in weeks – but now that I am home and talking to you all – I am feeling somewhat better. I got another E-mail message from one of my sources saying that there were openings for doctor consults last Friday and Saturday – and I once again deleted the message…I felt a little pang of wanting to respond but I did not give in…maybe that is why I feel anxiety, I don’t know. The important thing is I did not and will not at least for today…..I love you guys. Take care and have a great evening. Talk to you tomorrow.
Kitty Mom

344 Joe { 10.12.10 at 1:13 am }

Good Morning Folks,

Stu–the pot thing, hey your clean when you say you are, right. I could never get into what is “being clean”.

If your are getting a thought, or the term Total Absistence is coming to your concious, could be two things maybe.

One-The spirit calling you.

Two–The beast trying to lure you into something your not capable of accomplishing, thus the old slip, fall bam. Of the vicious relapse cycle.

Man, I so had to get off that tired old mindset.

Look, you know deep in your soul “the problem”.

The drugs are a symptom, right,

Now some will find comfort in this, some that.

Pot for me has side effects-parinioa, lethargy, and I don’t like the high. I mean I did back when I was 18, but once I fell in Love with opiates, well I fell in love with opiates.

I mean I know alot of addicts, alot of great people.

Some take methadone.

Some take suboxone

Some smoke pot

Some take anti deppresents-(myself)

Some use nicotine

Some use caffine.

Soema re totally clean.

I just know I have been set free, to be free.

I just try everyday not to return to that yolk of slavery, you know.

Honesty, I found is where it starts and where it ends. Love you brother.

Metoo– ” filled with all kind of feelings”–ah nice to see you entering this wondeful, place where feelings flow, Wow what a ride,

My favorite feelings-Peace, Connection to another,Joy, Inspiration,Extacy,Cared for,Comforted, Challenged, Hopeful and anticipatory.

Feelings I dislike alot-Anger, Shame, Guilt, Envy, Disrespected and Invalidated.

The amazing thing is the more I give out my favorite feeling, the less I get slammed by the ones I dislike.

Of, course the real real real JOY is when disrespect is turned into respect, Pain is comforted, sadness covered by Joy and lonliness is removed by connection.

Just for today, I will feel right along with you. Numbing is not an option.

Thanks as always.

Kitty–”cut the crap” I love it, You see you see right through my salesman bullshit, my manipulitve trash…hmm, they told me if you spot it you got it (lol). I will attempt to practice “just for today” being direct and honest, Asking for what I want and not manipulating.

Lesson One for Joe–Be honest with Kitty,

I wasn’t always a poultry worker. I spent 20 years a a sales manager, sales trainer and VP of sales for JPMorganChase.
I lied all the way up the ladder. It who I was.

So getting past this little “issue” if you will may be challenging.

I want to sell you Joe, close the sale.

If I am me, you might walk.

Oh god, I am a mess.

Kitty no bullshit here. I would like to consider you a friend. Involved in the start of a new friendship.

Let’s see, Do you believe in the Holy Spirt. This is a point we can start at right?

I told you, I don’t have the foggiest idea how to interact.

Thanks to all of you for bearing with me.

One day is more than enough, isn’t it.

345 Stu { 10.12.10 at 5:43 am }

KittyMom thanks for the pass an your comments on pot, and again great job on getting past thirty days.

I appreciate our comments too Joe. For me the pot thing is partially about honesty. Am I leaning back on it when life gets to tough? Like you, I am not crazy about the high either. I described it recently as getting “stupid and depressed”. Add tired to that.

Sorry to say guys but my true love is alcohol. Followed closely by opiates. Another true confession on the vic board. There is an alkie in your midst.

Pot is my last remaining chemical. I stopped nicotine about a year ago, you know about the alcohol and pills.

A couple more things on recent posts, KittyMom your comments about “openings for Dr. consults” got my hands sweating. That’s a for real share. Thanks. Strait from the heart. Thank God you had strength to delete.

Joe on the job issue. I agree that any job is worthy. You are doing great man. I can relate to the “under employed” feeling for sure. My business has suffered and is REAL slow. It’s sort of the same deal. Just try to keep your chin up man. At least you are doing something. I took a stab at the poultry and meat processing industry with my company (sales). It never went anywhere. I do know there is a lot of money to be made in poultry and related support, I have a buddy that has done quite well. Hey, people got to eat.

metoo you asked about my “anxiety”. It’ still there, but fading a little bit. I’ve decided a big root cause is fear. Just plain old fear. I would even classify it as terror at times. Deer in the headlights stuff. It’s just going to be a matter of how I respond to it. Before I had booze and dope which worked quite well thank you very much. The problem was the huge price that had to be paid in order to use them. I am no longer willing to pay that price.

I feel like I am in the process of getting to know myself again.

That may sound self obsessed and I suppose perhaps in the first thirty days comments like that are too frequent. I am trying not to over think this thing. Living now is sort of like trying something new out for the first time, or the first time in a long time.

God has given me specific direction with regard to some areas of my life. Dates and everything. It might be my mind cooked these things up, however, they are reasonable and good. These directions have taken some of the fear away. I do well with routine. I have one set of directions now, one I can not rationally argue with. It just makes too much sense. It does have to do with abstinence..

Of all this emotionalism flying around in my head, , don’t forget the number one thing that comes before any of this. Sobriety.

Fear has been a constant. Work on letting God take care of it.
Start by “living right”. Things will fall into place like they are supposed to.

Trust God, clean house and help others. (some journal stuff thrown in).

346 metoo { 10.12.10 at 8:38 am }

Lil Dove…how are you doing??? Please post….I’m worried about you..concerned too! But I’m praying..

347 lil dove! { 10.12.10 at 11:34 am }

Hey meetoo nd kittymom nd the guys! I’m here realy down today wasn’t guna log on untill I saw ur post! Thank you for caring realy need to know threre r ppl that know this feeling all to well nd r willing to reach out to others! Very much appreciated! I do have a issue with my husband tho nd can’t get him to understand,he also is addicted nd jealous of me sharing on this site but also I keep telling him I’m quitting nd he keeps bring em home to me I tell him no a couple of times but he keeps pushing me to take them to feel better so r kids don’t see me w/d! And as an addict its hard after awhile to say no! Which I’ve told him I recent him for it,but to no avail. I’ve explained n detail to him everything I could but to me it seems he wants to keep me hooked idk? And as long as he has them around I have only alil strength to say no but his proding I always give in! Idk what to do! He knows my pain nd anxiety nd suicidal thoughts so maybe he thinks its easier for him for me to continue to use. I feel so hopeless nd I’m having a hard time tryn to even pray which is exactly what I need to do,but I can’t forgive myself for turning my back on the Lord n turning to the pills instead! No matter what happens tho I want u all to know I totally appreciate you for hearing my heart nd allowing me to be open nd honest! Truly it is like someone sitting n prison waiting for a letter as I wait to get a post from meetoo n kittymom!congradulations on ur overcoming this evil bondage! I can only wish for the day that I’m where u r! I do need to learn how to deal with all the fiery darts nd painful situations that are daily issues for me u no that saying when it rains it pours well that’s been r lives for (he last 5yrs and I’ve always ran to the pills with the thought they would help me get thru anything,now they have just led to more problems! You guys I’m real sorry for just goin on&on very very sorry didn’t mean to. So I’ll quit here nd check back on ur posts later,thank you so much hope I didn’t go over board! I do hope u all have a blessed day n night. I’m in california so I no r times r different. Much appreciation to u all, Lil Dove!

348 Kitty Mom { 10.12.10 at 1:15 pm }

Hey You all
31 days today for me
I am so happy about that and so sad to see ones like you lil dove struggling so very much. I wish there was something I could say to ease your pain and suffering – perhaps just listening for now will have to do…and know that I am doing that.
Joe – I did not mean ‘cut the crap’ as a derogatory remark..haha, I just meant that we are all the same here – you and I are victims of the stupid dope – so we are brother and sister that went to different schools together….with the voice in us that tells us we need dope. Hey – I am not BS’n you – I do consider you a friend. I consider all of you friends….pen pals…..someone who has helped me along the way and knows where I am coming from. I love your posts – all of them and if you think they are BS – I don’t. Well, maybe a little bit…kidding!
Hey Metoo – are you OK – hope so cause we need your strong positive voice on here. Keep us in line MetOO!
Stu – I think you are doing good in spite of the pot, keep on getting though each day without the pills and the alcohol and it will get easier – maybe one of these days you will turn down the pot too.
Yeah – I am glad I deleted the CONSULT e-mail also – for a fleeting second, I wanted to say why not – but I refuse to start spending money on the stuff for one thing and I have come too far to backslide….I go back and read my old posts every few days so that I remember how terrible I felt and I don’t want to go there again. Even though I have an addictive personality I have a mind like a steel trap…once I make my mind to do something, that is half the battle. It is that way about most things that I do – can’t talk this lady into anything she does not want to do.
Hey guys and girls’
I pray that you are feeling happy today
I pray that you make the right decisions
I pray that we remain friends
maybe not the kind of friend that sits in the sofa with you and watches football….
But friends none the less
soooooooooo I will check in tomorrow to see how you all are doing – see you then
Kitty Mom (BS’r and previous dd’r)

349 lil dove! { 10.12.10 at 9:48 pm }

Well its after 10pm n I’m all alone wish thee was someone to talk to anxiety pretty high level now but tryn to get thru it! I hope ur all having a peaceful nights sleep? Kittymom thanks for being here to listen,I appreciate ur caring since I lost my wonderful adoptive mom so many years ago I’ve longer for her nd needed her greatly! Nd ur kinda feeling that void. For me! Hope that’s not weird,sorry if it is! But really thank you. Meetoo thank u also for caring for someone uve never met, but that’s a common thing I’ve noticed thru all the posts to everyone! U r caring also. Thank you too update the tapering is goin ok so goin thru w/d slowly but daily so the kids don’t know thank God! I don’t have $for the recipe but woulda love to have tried it tho oh well! This sure does help being on this site, have a great morning all God bless each of you. For those of you just reading these please don’t b afraid to post it really does help to have a support system even if u r as messed up as me. Someday maybe I’ll be able to help others to like the core4 does! Lil Dove!

350 Suzy-relaps { 10.13.10 at 12:06 am }

Wow, I only have 1 day under my belt. Im so very scared! It seems like everytime I think im doing good, I go back to the pills! This time is different tho, I have been married to a wonderfull man who just happens to be a Private Inv. we have been marriend for 12yrs in sept. and we have 4 wonderfull kids, im 36 and it seems like ive been a total goof and screwed everything up. I got kicked out of the house we own, lost my kids and just wanted to give up until my hubby gave me 1 more try. Im back home..btw, i was scared to death without my family. I slept under a bridge forever..it sucked! Then i got to thinking how selfish i was to choose that demon over my kids and husband! I also cheated on him while i was on them, now thats BAD!! Im just so scared i cry over everything. my legs and knees hurt and bathroom is now my home..lol..i know not cute, but true. Im sweating so much, and im 109lbs, im gonna sweat away to nothing when the sweats r over. I had 95 day under my belt until i broke my foot and then had to have wire and screws in it. I was heart broken, and that was last Nov. ever since then i have been on them. I really need support, if its not too much to ask. And I hope you all do it this time as well, because I sure am really going to try. I can try to help some in talking, but i may not be on here much because of all the detoxing. I love u all and dont know u, but thats ok, because we have all been there, and done that. Lots of well wishes to u all!! Suzy

351 Joe { 10.13.10 at 2:36 am }

Good Morning Folks.

The problem I had was human. I took pills to deal with life.

The only solution I found to that problem was spirtual.

God. His son Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.

Now trust me, I was not always this way.

I fact far from it. And to be HONEST. Although I have met the Power of Love, which to me is God.

It is not anything like I thought it would be.

I hated God, people who proclaimed God, and religion in general.

Today and Just for Today, I Love God.

I was led there in a very round about way. But I’m there.
See, the missing thing in my life before oh the last year or so was that,

Love.

I wanted it, but I did not have it.

So I put shit in it’s place.

Dope, mostly. Followed by situations.

Today I met a God, A God which provides me power, Loves me as I am, and only wants good things for me.

He saved me, cleaned me up and walks with me.

The best part about it is all I have to do is be me.

Not some fake, hypocrite.

Look I love being clean.

I love woman.

I Love sports.

I Love deep long discussions about The Word.

I love Life man.

I am free. Set free. To be Free.

Join the party LIL Dove, what the hell are you waiting for?

My God I can’t wait to see my kids, to see what the folks at work have in store, to see my wife, to try to figure that out.

to dream, to fantasize, to live, to feel to grow,

To help someone else, to deal with shit.

To move.

You have helped me so much Lil Dove. Trust me. I know when the call has been sent out. You my dear have been called. You got two Choices.

Dope-more of the same.

No Dope-a whole new world.

Yeah I’m gowing into my shoees, you know.

But to think of spending the day waiting for pills, man that hurts to think about.

To spend my day, waiting to see what folks posts, to hear their voices in my mind, to envison their smiles and tears to feel the love of God.

To chase.

Man, Thank you God for this day.

Come on Lil Dove, join the party.

352 Stu { 10.13.10 at 5:32 am }

Right on Joe.

I am just starting down the road you have been on for awhile. The road of gratitude and trusting a loving God. Thanks for your post. It’s truth and inspirational. Truth always get’s to me.

I went an sat with a friend of mine who was dying a couple of months back. He was a retired preacher, in recovery. He was literally on his death bed when I went to see him. I went to comfort him, brought a bible to read to him which he liked. I started going over some of the situations in my life that were driving me crazy. Sort of did a mini fifth step with him. We both laughed about the fact he sure wouldn’t be telling anyone what I said, at least in this world.

The guy gave me some great advise. Direct, sensible advice. Then I read to him some of his favorite verses in the bible. Funny thing happened when I started reading. I started to cry. I could not stop. As a matter of fact I had to stop reading for minutes to gain my composure.

This was not a fit of sadness. It was that I had swerved to close to the truth. It was as close as to any “spiritual experience” I have ever had. He told me it was OK to cry, that I was starting to see.

That was the last time I ever saw the guy. I love him and miss him. That direction took awhile to sink in, but 10/1/10 I did finally start down the road he pointed out. It took awhile, and I have sure not done it perfect. Better late than never I suppose buddy.

lil Dove you are welcome here. I appreciate your posts. Keep coming back. You are helping us to stay sober too. Don’t forget that. I didn’t taper, went CT. I am a little envious. That having been said, you gotta pay the fiddler one way or the other. In small doses, or jump off the train at full speed like me. Good luck dear.

I appreciate your comment about new comers too lil Dove. Anybody out there hurting, coming off hc, want to join us hop on in here. We are not exclusive of anybody. Just want to recover.

Kitty Mom I love your comment “one of these days maybe you can turn down the pot too”. Thanks. Sort of like when my wife told me about twenty years ago, “you guys just get fat when you turn about thirty. ” (That started a twenty year exersise routine that I am still on today. I am running the full marathon course Saturday, in practice. The longest I have ever gone).

The point being, sorry to be crude here but, there is a place for balls in recovery. You can replace that with “courage”, “grit”, “determination” or whatever you want girls, but the rule applies. My Dr. buddy put it in the former manner though and it works for me. “Grow a pair buddy” God gets the glory, but I have to not pick up the first pill or drink.

bye for now gang.

353 Stu { 10.13.10 at 5:37 am }

Sorry about the double entry!! My machine froze up and somehow it got posted twice. So nice you had to read it twice. Ooops.

354 Kitty Mom { 10.13.10 at 2:07 pm }

Hey everyone – core4and more
Don’t think I am a nut case, but I want to put a quote on here by Charles Swindoll
Attitute Quote
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life
Attitude to me is more important than facts
It is more important than the past, than education, than money
than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do
It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill
It will make or break a company, a church, a home
The remarkable thing is we have a CHOICE every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day
We cannot change our past…we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way
We cannot change the inevitable
The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude
I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it
And so it is with you…we are in charge of our attitudes.
Charles Swindoll
OK – I just thought this was a great little quote and it is soooo true, I think anyway!

Lil dove – I am honored that you think of me that way – I am here for you as I said before even if it is just to listen – I want you to be strong and have a mind of your own when it comes to getting off those pills – You and only You can make the decision – not us here, not your husband, just you. Like Stu said above, you need to pay the piper at some point. I said I wanted out for a long time thoug, before I finally did something about it – and God had his hand in it I truly believe that cause three things happenned within one week of each other to dry up sources of pills. Now the opportinity presented itself that I could get some – but I am strong now and know that I need to be accountable to 1 the people who love me 2 the people here on this board who I have befriended, and 3 and most importantly my self. You have your children that you need to be accountable to – you have us that you can be accountable to and you have yourself that you need to be accountable to. I think the saying I wrote is true in the fact that we can wake up each morning and have an attitude against drugs – and attitude that we are going to heal – and an attittude that no matter how bad things are – they can change.
Is that sappy enough for you…haha
Hi Joe – likes your post today – you are so smitten with the Lord that it makes my heart sing, I have a hard time verbalizing that some time – but all the same, I feel the same way. Without him I would be walking alone. Without you guys I woulde be walking alone also…so thanks for that.
Stu – the story about your friend was so heartwarming and nothing cleanses the soul more than a good cry at the face of God.
Hi Metoo – hope you are having a good day and looking forward to your upbeat ande inspirational posts.
Love to all
Kitty Mom
32 days clean

Off the subject – I am sooooo happy the miners in Chile are getting out of the mind shaft slowly put surely – I have been watching it live on the internet since last night when the first one came out…Awesome that they are OK and went through that ordeal practically unscathed. See – God was with them down there – in their words – there was a 34th presence down there with them….Praise God!
Love you guys

355 lii dove! { 10.13.10 at 10:59 pm }

Hey all I’m having trouble logging on here cuz I only have internet on my phone no computer,so if u don’t hear from me that’s probably the reason! Anyhow thank you for all ur kindness nd compassion nd the invite to ur circle of friends which I desperately need now! Ur such a support system wow thanx fer this site. Meetoo where r u? Joe what a beautiful n woonderful spirit u have I grew up around bikers n excons all my life nd my prayers were that they would find God b4 they paseed unfortunately for most that didn’t happen nd I loved them dearly I was their lil sis nd they r y I’m a real down to earth girl no fake crap here ever! Total n awe of ur relationship ur having w/r Lord I miss mine so much but failed him to many times I was called to minister but turned to pills in the middle of. Glorious miraculous walk with JC! All the hurt has wiped out the love nd u speak of it so much, so I think I’ll try minute by minute n see how that goes along with tryn to have a better outlook n attitude Ms kitty cuz by nature or program I’m a very negitive person nd I hate it I really want to b positive n joyful nd not let circumstances get to me so deeply! In part I think a lot of things have to change in my life for this to happen, 1being my husband nd his way of treating my kids! I’m an understanding patient person that listens nd he’s an angry aggressive none patient person that’s never walked w/God w/me. So that’s apart of my numbing process! Any way stu keep on keepin on buddy! You r all so blessed and awesome thank you again the cravings r getting less n less even w/tapering just don’t like anxiety/panic attacks feel like goin to mentalward at times but hate it there also! God please just intervene on this please u know my heart nd I love u Lord! Nd growing to love my new friends here too! Kitty,meetoo joe,stu I hope u have blessed nd wonderful day n the am! I appreciate each of you greatly! Newbies to this site feel free to b urself here u don’t have to suffer n silence anymore nothing will shock us or u won’t b judged just excepted for who u really r! No more secret life of shame n guilt just sweet release. Bye4now love lil dove!

356 metoo { 10.14.10 at 5:34 am }

Hey, all! I’ve been contemplating Lil Dove’s situation, and I was wondering how we can help. I know personally, if I were in her place, I would fail miserably. I know that I cannot have any opies around, and have successfully rid my environment of them….but what IF they were just there, at your disposal~~and even worse, what if they were being given to you with what he feels IS love?? That has set me back in my chair for a couple days since Lil Dove posted about it. I know that the resolve to kick this habit is to just say no, but realistically, it goes much deeper. Can we brainstorm up some tools that Lil Dove can use?? I’ll start, and don’t forget that brainstorming is all kinds of ideas, thoughts, tools…

The basic “just say no…”

Heart to heart talk with husband…

Invite husband to come visit on the forum too…

Find better uses for that wasted money together…

That’s what I have for now…I will “stu” about this some more while I drink a cup of “joe” and “double dip” my oreos… :)

Thinking of you, Lil Dove, and knowing some good ideas are comin’ right up!! Hang in there. You are not alone!!

357 Stu { 10.14.10 at 6:10 am }

Kitty Mom I love your “attitude” quote. Sometimes I can’t get my attitude working right and just have to go through the motions and hope it follows. It usually does. There is sure something to be said about perspective.

Yesterday I remembered that I love my life. I really do have it pretty good. Sure there’s a bunch that could be better to make it “perfect”, but all in all it’s pretty darn good. That’s my perspective and attitude today.

Part of it may be the fact that I didn’t wake up with booze on my breath, shaky hands and or strung out on hydrocodone! That alone goes a long way.

metoo, jeez I have no idea. You are right lil dove is in a bind with the hubby dangling hydros in front of her nose. I have no idea of the dynamic that’s really going on here, but here’s my experience. If a guy gets rewarded for certain actions he will continue to do them. I call it “rewarding good behavior” and generally I am all for it, from both sides of a relationship. If that behavior that’s defined as “good” maybe ain’t so good, that’s where you get into trouble. Don’t reward a man giving you dope. That may be tough to do, but it’s a start. Even a mood change for the better can be the “reward”. Intimacy is obviously out.

Like metoo, I would agree a good solid talking to your man. Tell him if he want’s to get high that’s fine with you, just keep it hidden and for sure NO asking if you want some. This almost gets into the “deleting” pharmacy emails. You just gotta do what you gotta do.

Hope that helps.

358 Kitty Mom { 10.14.10 at 1:28 pm }

Hey guys – yeah I have been thinking about lil dove also and wondering what she could do. Geez, she has not posted for a few days either – I hope she is OK. One thing I want to bring up also is how we seem to blame everyone else for our problems instead of taking responsibility ourself – I know I had a million excuses why I had to use pills to get through the day…never blamed myself. If lil dove really wants to quit, she is going to quit at some point…until SHE makes up her mind to, she is not…but, on the other hand, I know it is hard when someone is trying to feed them to you because they want to get high together. That does not help. When I finally decided though and found a pill in a drawer or codeine cough medicine in the medicine cabinet I gave the pill to my husband to discard and have not looked at the cough medicine…I guess my point is – the time has to be right and it has to be her own decision. I don’t know if the time is right yet for our lil dove but I hope it is soon. That makes me feel helpless that there is nothing we can do for her…but I will keep thinking on it and let you know what I come up with. I think she is scared about who she is without the pills – which is natural – after you have been on them for years (I know this because I was petrified to live without them) the feeling is you can’t go through life without them. Baby steps make you realize that it is possible with God by your side.
Metoo and Stu thanks for posting and at this point I worry about all of you when you don’t post – this is the first time since I have been on here, that I have not seen a post from you Joe and I hope you are allright….no reflections today?
Lil dove please post – I worry about you when you do not post. Sorry I talked about you like you are not here – just trying to come up with a solution or reflect on how we can help you like Metoo stated.
On a positive note – I have been so much more ambitious lately. Instead of laying around on the couch like I used to do, last night I was running around making home fried potatoes, bread and muffuns for our department breakfast, going to the store, washing and folding clothes – Oh the simple pleasures of keeping up the house and feeding my husband dinner – things that were a struggle just a month ago make me happy and productive now…and paying the bills instead of buying dope….I am happy!
tomorrow I am off work and plan to work in my yard and plant some new flowers in my flower bed and reap God’s beauty.
Thanks for being here core4 and more
Love you guys
Kitty Mom
33 days without a pill
the light shining bright at the end of the tunnel

359 lil dove! { 10.14.10 at 4:35 pm }

Guys plz forgive me but I need to vent I want to use so bad rightnow my exdaughter n law has decided to keep my family from seeing my 3yr old grandson nd my 1yrold grandaughter which of course we love with all r hearts nd they lived with us most of their lil lives now bcuz my son don’t want to b with her she don’t want any of us to see them at all! My kids are torn apart by this whole thing nd r hearts r broken n2 pieces! She has already went behind my sons back n got soul legal n physical coustody of the bbs without informing him of any court dates lied to the judge n told the courts she couldn’t find him to serve him papers so they gave her everything she asked for! Now my oldest son has got hooked on meth cuz he feels he has nothing to live for, I’ve begged him to get clean nd take her back to court to get his rights but now he’s to messed up on that crap. This kills me inside she won’t even let any of us talk to them on the phone! I’ve done everything for her nd treated her like I gave birth to her myself that’s how much I loved her! Even took herside over my sons when they seperated, it always ends up this way I give my all to ppl nd just get screwed n the end! Idk what to do the hurt n anger r just makin me crazy,she just wants to delete r side of the kids life knowing full well the hurt that she’s putting us thru! I just don’t no what to do or think right now nd I’m sorry for unloading on here but was hoping someone may have some insight on this? As far as the husband situation I’ve done n said everything I could to let him no how I feel about pushing them on me or even lettin me no he has them but to no avail here! And when situations like thse arise I have no will power to say no very long even tho they don’t help anything get resolved! Being an addict to these stupid things I might just have to leave to get away from all temptations! I’m just so tired of it all, all the bs one person can only take so much ya no? Thank u all for being so kind nd so caring words can’t express how much its meant to me! I can only hope others will reach out here to nd I no u all b here for them also! God bless n keep each of u n the palm of his hand,to guide u n help u everyday. With love Lil. Dove! Ps joe what a man u r I grewup around bikers n excons nd never got the chance to see or hear one of them walk w/God or b a romantic man I am n awe of u! That’s refreshing n my world! Stu u r doin great hun,nd I agree can’t stand the paranoia of the pot either aint like it used to b “fun”anymore just yukyuk! So no relief there either! Meetoo n kittymom please keep praying for me n my family I’m very hopeless today nd just want to go home to b w/my Lord tired of losing everything nd my mind,I’ll holdout for ur prayers u r a Godsend to me thank u! Nd I only have internet on my phone so I have a hardtime logging on here sometimes it shuts off on me but as soon as I. Can I’ll check new posts!love Lil dove!

360 Kitty Mom { 10.14.10 at 5:06 pm }

lil dove – listen I am praying for you. I am sorry to hear about your son’s baby’s being kept from u-all. I know it must break your heart – please please please hang in there – are you trying to detox right now – you said you wanted to use – sounds like you are trying not to – if that is the case, you need to be strong. With all that is going on in your life and your money situation – don’t you think it would be better to try to get off those pills. Whatever you decide, please be strong and tell me the truth, you don’t want to hurt yourself do you – think what it would do to your family…..GOD BLESS YOU
Kitty Mom

361 lil dove! { 10.15.10 at 2:00 am }

Dear kittymom, 1 I promise I will always be honest on here nd especially with u nd the core. 2 I was doin a quik taper down detox bcuz cold turkey in front of my kids I cannot handle mentally or physically nd my 4kids that r still with us r 14,16,17nd18!my 14 n 16yr old girls r home schooled nd need lots of help the other two r out job hunting nd can’t help anyways I don’t want any of them to see me in that nightmare of a way. Idk maybe that’s part fear nd part chicken nd a big part of guilt n shame! Nd yes I hate to admit it nd tell anyone that I have already tried to do something bad 4times 4different ways nd God has not let any of them suceed! Everytime the enemy of r souls will put different ways to do it in my thoughts so I’ll try to fight them off by qouting scriptures,direct my attentions on something else,I tell my husband so he watches me like a hawkb nd I already know what the affect nd impact nd devastating hurt my family would b left with. And I am as they say. The glue that holds this family together! I just cannot hurt sadness pain disappointments guilt nd regrets I’m not doin the self pity thing either I just cannot deal with life like this anymore. Ppl have kept saying things can’t get any worse they have to get better, but I heard that so manytimes nd it does just keep getting worse nd ppl just keep kicking us even farther down!! So what’s the point! My grandkids r my bottomline. I’ve always wanted to live a full life but honestly I’ve only just a shell of numb exsistance! And once again I did screw up my tapering I was actually down to 4aday nd took about 20 or so today I desperately want to b stronger nd learn how to have a life with coping skills instead of using the pills! God plz help me today to not hurt nd to overcome all of my issues, thank you father that today is filled with brandnew Grace n Mercy,nd as I forgive by faith myself nd others u r faithful to forgive me also! Thank you Lord for ur love,plz bless nd shower the core4 with ur love nd favor nd their family members too,loose their angels around each of them to protect them thru out their days nd nights! I praise you Lord with thanksgiving in my heart for this website! Amen! Sorry nd thank you all Lil Dove!

362 Joe { 10.15.10 at 2:46 am }

Hey Now,

I am glad to be here, I was taking a step back yesterday. You know so much to digest here, sometimes I really love reading about you guys, to watch you guys live and grow and stuggle.

It is such a sweet loving thing. Awesome.

I like the rest of you, have no answer for Lil dove.

I am here, and I read your post girl.

I can ONLY share my experience.

As long as I took pills shit always GOT WORSE.

I an addict, that’s the deal.

Only you Lil Dove know if your an addcit. If you are the end is ALWAYS the same. Jails, Instiutions and Death. or

Find an entirley new way to live.

Tha new way I found starts very simply.

Day One-No Dope.

Until then, I love you. Keep Coming Back.

Metoo-so great to see your words, It so amazes me, that I have a connection with someone I never met personally, I love technology, the internet and this board. Man I have let you in, I love your thoughts, your words. Cool stuff man, real cool stuff.

You know I’ll share a secret with you, you are now on my gratitude list. Thanks. I have come to enjoy you so much.

But i understand you are not here for my enjoyment.

Your heart is in the right place with Lil Dove, keeping praying and thinking and being there. I wish I had some magic tip for you, I don’t, man. Other than Day 1 no dope. Once we are there Miracles happen.

As I have mentioned I am in the middle of a year long study of John’s Gospel.

This is my favorite part of the early gospel of Johm

The wedding feast at Canna, You know God and his disciples are hanging around the party.

Then this verse John Chapter 2-When the wine failed.

Well at at that moment we learn that Jesus performs his first miracle.

He exclaims, My Hour has not yet come.

But his mother will not hear of it, and moves forward in spite of the claim.

This Jesus respomds to.

Now I would say LIl Dove is rapidly approaching that part where the wine has failed.

And it may in deed not be the Hour for Jesus to show up.

Perhaps a little prodding to him on your part may Help.

Lil Dove, I love talking with you, Your incredible, Keep trying.

Kitty-I am also so charged up by our conversations, I gotta be carfeul, I am kinda over the top, and I understand you gotta life, so I will from time to time give you a break from my constant indulgence.

But man I appreciate connect with you. Enjoy your day off from Joe, I may go deep on you this week-end, working OT and may need you.

Stu-my brother, Keep sharing, Keep the focus, And know I am envious of your intellect. That’s a defect, you know.

I spendtime on another board working the steps, and that’s been where we have been at the last week or so.

Love to all no exceptions

363 Kitty Mom { 10.15.10 at 3:17 am }

lil dove,
I am listening to your story and hearing that you are raising your children, not wanting to hurt them by letting them see you suffer and I can concure with that because my daughter does not have a clue that I was hooked on pain medication. She was over on one of my worst days, and I told her I had the flu. I am more worried about your depression right now than you getting off the pills and it may be that you are on the merry-go-round that I was on before I quit where you need to take the pills because your body gets sick without them but they no longer do you any good mentally. You sound like a phenominal woman – even home schooling your kids which I could never have done…as much as I love my daughter, I don’t think I could ever have put in the effort to home school. All that I can tell you is to take one day at a time – even one situation at a time – if the entire picture is too much for you. I am no doctor but it sounds like your depression is situational but it also could be clinical. Have you considered going to a doctor or phychologist to discuss your depression? I worry that this is way over any of us to resolve and that you need some professional help. Each one of your posts have brought up situations that when all added up would make even the most sane person stressed so I give you credit for surviving and thriving up to this point. But all I hear are the negative aspects of your life – Please take a moment (or two) to reflect on something – anything – positive in your life…or take just one of the negatives and ponder on how you can fix that one thing. If you keep looking at the whole, you become overwhelmed….and the pills – they do not help. For me, they became my whole existance, everything revolved around if I could get my next dose….way too much money going out the door – way less interaction with family and friends….I could go on and on and on.
Enough said for now – just please – get some professional help – somehow – somewhere – go to church maybe – find a pastor to speak with – something. Until then – know that I am here listening and hoping and praying that you will ponder on what I said and even for an instant feel a thread of hope or a spark of happiness…Love to you
Kitty Mom

364 Kitty Mom { 10.15.10 at 3:26 am }

Hello friends
Kitty Mom here entering day 34 of pill sobriety
It is a whole new world
Simple pleasures
Sitting on the front porch drinking coffee
The smell of fall in the air
cinnamon candles burning on the fireplace
watering my plants
remodeling my bathroom
happy to be home puttering around the house
looking forward to your posts – all of you – no breaks needed
Love and fall are in the air
Kitty Mom

365 Kitty Mom { 10.15.10 at 4:57 am }

Metoo – kitty mom email address is up and running

366 metoo { 10.15.10 at 5:29 am }

Hey, all! Wow…Joe, you sure are right about this forum~~there is so much to “chew on” here. Sometimes it helps to take a day off from posting to just let it sink in…I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels the need to do that!!

Lil Dove, oh, man, I hear your pain. Please sit tight, and pray…know that we are all praying for you too!! Your DIL is obviously angry. After a time, the anger will hopefully subside, and she will realize how important your family is and has been to her and her children. Kids are always in the middle, and it’s so unfair that they are always the ones who hurt the most.

I pray for peace for Lil Dove and her family, her surroundings, and her situation. There will be peace if we will all pray for it.

367 Stu { 10.15.10 at 6:10 am }

lil Dove, I went back out for a week after starting here. I went a week clean, about a week using, now I have fifteen days. So, it can be done. As a matter of fact I think that first week made the next “quit” somewhat more bearable.

It can take several tries, as we all know. Don’t kick yourself to hard for falling off.

Some “behavioural” comments:

I had the crawlies before sleep last night for the first time in days. Like a “flashback” to when I was in full withdrawal. I guess this is normal and will pass. Did sleep eventually, but it did not come easy.

Depression is easing a bit. I am hovering around four on my scale.

I also wanted to post something I have done when I quit things. (I quit nicotine a year ago, and you guys know about the booze 8/31). I carry a quit “cheat sheet”. It may sound stupid, but I do this. I start with about half a page (half letter size is what I use) and fill part of it in, filling in the rest as hours and days go by. I pull it out and read it at stop lights and whenever I think of it.

Mine is a combination of

1) reasons I am quitting.

2) Spiritual guidance I may have gotten.

3) Tony Dungy/Vince Lombardi style cheer leading

4) bitch session about using and things I am pissed about (I try not to lash out, keep in the ‘patience, tolerance, understanding and love” vibe.

& Pretty much anything I want to write.

This weeks is in bright pink ink, which is sort of fun.

The cheat sheet helps me stay focused. There are some actions I have taken in the past that tend to lead me to use. It’s been put in terms of “running with the same old rabbits in the same old trails”. The cheat sheet has comments on the folly of those actions, in graphic terms. There is a lot to be said for an actual physiological thing that happens. When I go down those “trails” an actual/real craving will develop along with a seemingly flawless argument and justification to get high.

I rotate it about every week to keep it “fresh”.

Big weekend coming up gang. Bro is in town. He plays an AWESOME blues guitar so that should be fun. Also, run the full 26 tomorrow, (tentatively). I am liable to be hurting bad for a couple of days.

One more thing. Joe I appreciate your references to the New Testament. I love bible stories.

368 Stu { 10.15.10 at 7:39 am }

I normally only post once a day. Here’s an example of:

Item 3 above. Tony Dungy:

“No excuses, no explanations”

Also,

“Do what we do”

(My bro puts it a little different. “You do what you know”. In other words, stick to the basics and do them right, over and over. When your back is to the wall you will fall back on it. You do what you know, especially under pressure)

Just wanted to throw out there an example of what I am talking about.

Vince….he’s got so many, forget about it!

369 lil dove! { 10.15.10 at 11:23 pm }

Hey all thanx 4all the posts today I appreciate all the brainstorming nd ppl that can relate nd try to help w/words of caring inspiration! I’ll update more later love lil dove!

370 Joe { 10.16.10 at 2:08 am }

AHHH The Weekend.

I Love the mroning time,

Man this place is just becomminga hotbed, isn’t it. Hey The more the merrier.

Welcome aboard Suzy–glad you are here. There is enough love to go around so ease on in. Please keep posting, the broader the base the higher the point of freedom.

We all go 1 day without dope, that’s the goal. How we get there is very unique, where we have been is pretty similar.

For me right vs. wrong had to go. I mean if I try to get off dope and look at my life in the way, well the guilt leads me straight back to dope.

So for me I thought in terms of Healthy vs. Unhealthy,

Water-healthy

Opiates-Unhealthy

Baby steps. Little victories Like 5 minutes. stuff like that.

Lil Dove, as always, glad your alive.

Kitty-I hope your around, you had some real insightful stuff over the last few days.

In particular, not looking at the whole picture, man that is OVERWHELMING, even now.

Plus, I have no idea what the future holds, do I? I mean I can plan, I can hope. But i really can’t say what will happen 5 minutes from now.

So what do I do about that.

For me, I place that fear, in God. I have no idea what else to do with it.

So I guess that is where I am at this weekend, I have learned that this Power, which is God, won’t hurt me. Yet Loves me.

Until this change occured I had to just not use and continue to pray, even if I did not believe.

I was more of the ilk, that Yes there was a God, and Yeas he will help, just not me.

I realize now that is the broken part of my mind, the insane part.

That’s the hurdel I overcome.

Somedays it’s easy someday’s it’s not.

I have two new visons that both calm me and inspire me. To give this journey1 more day.

Vision 1-I use this now, wwhen things get hectic around the house or down at the palnt.

Look I have a teenage daughter, Cheerleader, Beauty, Brilliant, and solid. Man that’s enough right there to kill a dad.

Two-My Job at the plant is to marinade and run through a humogus machine every peice of chicken that Wendy’s uses for it’s Hot and Spicey chicken sandwich.
Jesus, they sell alot of those, and they want more, Keeps me going 7 days a week now, Overload.

That vison is you, in the morning on your poarch, cool Florida breeze blowing, dawn breaking, your clean and smiling, and you offer me a seat and a cup. AH, that takes away all the stress.

That is now my calming mediatation thought, it has replace Dali’s Rose.

For Inspiration-I go Metoo, walking ahead of me on a path, in a park. I see her I gotta get to her, I gotta keep going, there is a glow around her, I can feel it. Gotta be strong, can’t be afraid, can’t mess up now, dam I am close.

Equipped with these two new vision I have all the calmess and inspiration I need.

I lack nothing, I will go forward, I will just for today help others, I won’t hurt others. I will love the holy spirit. And I will be me.

My God knows me so well and Loves me so much that he is materalizing every desire of my heart.

Stu-Run, my friend, Run. Push. Push me. Push yourself. Think about that. You can Run. Man, my knees are shot from High School Basketball, I walk, I walk far, I hike. But running, nah.
Push-ups are my thang.

Suzie and LIL dove, it all starts somewhere, I am so glad your here.

Love to all no exceptions,
Joe

371 metoo { 10.16.10 at 1:07 pm }

Alicia! I don’t know how I did not see your post until today, but I totally missed it. Reading Joe’s post today made me backtrack a bit, and so I saw your post.
I wonder how you are doing today, (Saturday) and I realize your post was on Wednesday….I am praying for you and Lil Dove especially over the weekend. I hope you are hanging in there!!! Please post again just as soon as you can, kiddo…and you too, Lil Dove!!! You’ve both got a good group here to lean on, and to post all the crap you need to get out of your system right here.

Hoping there are some serene moments out there for all today!!

372 Kitty Mom { 10.16.10 at 1:10 pm }

Hi y’all
Well, last night (this morning) at 1:00 AM our dear beloved 15 year old cat died of a stroke – He was fine one minute and in ten minutes time he fell of the bedroom dresser, and could not move after that. We started to get ready to take him to the emergency clinic, but before we were done getting dressed – he was gone. We already lost another dear kitty in February to a heart problem.
So – sad day in our household. We have one left and that is all I want for now.

Welcome Suzy – I had to go back and find your post cause I did not see it – it must have been time delayed since you are new.
I hope you post again soon and let us know how you are doing – we are definately here to cheer you on. Don’t look at your past mistakes – just look ahead. Break time down into small increments and get through one of those increments at a time. You have so much to look forward to – believe me cause I was right where you are a month ago and I did not think that I would be where I am today in a month. I did not know who I would be without the pills, but I am finding out one day at a time and I like this new me better than the old me that only cared about pills!
I will keep you in my prayers along with the rest of us here on this site – who I did not know a month ago and have learned to care so very much for.

Folks, it is a beautiful day today in Florida – The sky was a dark blue with not a cloud in the sky and I helped my husband check and fix all the lawn sprinklers since we are in a dry season now and need to start using them again. We also put up the new bathroom fixtures in our newly remodeled bathroom – so a sad day but a productive day it was.
Metoo, Joe, Stu, lil dove and suzy – hope you all have a beautuful weekend and you will be in my thoughts and prayers as usual…Love
Kitty Mom

373 metoo { 10.16.10 at 1:25 pm }

Hey, Kitty Mom….I’m sorry for your loss. Pets are the hardest ones to lose, IMO…they never let you down, and are always glad to see you. I like to think that when the time comes to go to Heaven, our pets are the first ones out of the gates to greet us.
I hope that your kitty got to tell Our Lord firsthand of your recent success, and how well you are doing at passing on what you’ve learned in the process. I know all of us here are thankful that you remain here on the board to help anyone that you can, if it’s just a kind word or a prayer, it’s so important to everyone!!

And I’ll bet St. Francis will take good care of your kitty. Take care of yourself, Kitty Mom…thinking of you!

374 lil dove! { 10.16.10 at 4:55 pm }

Oh how words almost cannot comeout today! The hurt n pain of not being able to hold to kiss to see to play with my lil grandbbs is tearing me apart! I long for them utterly nd hopelessly n love with them! How do I even consider the thought of not having them in my life? That’s a real difficult one to think of as a reality. Kitty I’m so deeply sorry for ur loss too my lil mini pincher is my best friend nd he never hurts me! Glad to hear u got ur remodel done,its funny joe I also picture kitty on her porch with her morning cup of coffee I could b way off on this one but wen I picture her she looks like paula dean to me! Hehehe! Stu,I hope that u did very well on ur run today nd ur not feelin to much pain from it! Suzy I never got to read ur post on here but welcome nd while u need it this board is a safe haven of release nd honesty at least that’s been my experience so far I pray that God guides u nd helps u through ur process as well he is the only one that can truly help any of us nd you will have a lot of prayers goin b4 his throne of grace n mercy n forgiveness! To Joe I want u to know that nothing else n this world blesses my heart,soul n spirit more that 1seeing n hearing r youth of today worshipping nd surrendering their all to our Lord nd 2 a man that also seeks after theheart of God I hope ur wife truly knows what a blessing that is for ur family! I’ve longed for my husband to do nd to be the man of God for r family unfortunately that’s not been the case for 18yrs now. Thank u joe for putting it out here that u r now1! Meetoo, what I can I say it was ur prayers for a lot of others on this board that has led them into or back into a relationship w/the father n 1way or another. You will reap rewards n heaven for this nd I know that’s not y did it but out of the Love of God nd caring heart u have thank u for that! Plz don’t ever give up on the ppl here any of u! Even if we fail r hearts long to b where u r! Nd kitty my positive thoughts everyday out of all the depression nd negitivity is the Lord nd u all on here! With love Lil dove!

375 Kitty Mom { 10.17.10 at 7:53 am }

Hey everyone
A beautofull Sunday morning here – just like yesterday
I live for this time of year
After continuous heat for 5-6 months it is just a welcome relief
Thanks Metoo and lil dove on the kind words about the loss of my Smokey. It is going to be weird for him not to be waiting in the kitchen in the morning to be fed. Poor thing, he was getting so frail in his old age. I like to think of him now in heaven with his sisters, laying on a great big four poster bed on the prettiest quilt you can ever imagine.
Today is my 35 day y’all….so thrilled to be where I am today and want all of you just starting on your journey of sobriety that there is hope to be the person you are meant to be, not under the influence of whatever your drug of choice is.
I keep you in my prayers daily and I most appreciate that you are keeping me in yours. I thank you for that…and I thank you, Joe, Metoo, Stu, lil dove for your friendship and support over the past 35 days – I can’t say it enough. And, Suzy, if you care to join us in your journey, please know that you are welcome.
Joe, I would be most honored to give you a cup of coffee on my front porch…I thought about that when I was having mine out there yesterday and today on the most beautiful Florida mornings you could imagine! We could all sit out there and sip a cup of Joe together.
I hope you are all having a great weekend.
Stu – hope you had a great race yesterday. Metoo, I appreciate you more than you will ever know as I do all of you.
God bless y’all.
Kitty Mom of 1

376 Joe { 10.18.10 at 1:42 am }

Monday

Gotta Love It.

This may be a long one, feel fee to skim, I might be babbeling a bit, good strong cup of coffe in me.

I agree with you kitty, the coolness of fall after the blazing Texas summer is one fine thing.

I remember the Joy I felt when spring hit last March, when my body mind and soul noticed how wonderful it all was, change of seasons. Yes.

I think I’ll take a moment and share about me.

Kinda open up a bit, mostly in the hope that someone can identify with me. And second that I might just accept myself a little more.

Getting clean, was for me the single greatest feat I have accomplished, in working with God. I mean taking all the effort I had and using it in conjuction with God, has produced some wonderful results.

I have a relationship with God today, I seek him continuosly, I mean I don’t know what else to do.

I can only repay that debt to God by sharing this simple message.

If you don’t want to do drugs today, you don’t have to.

That’s it, as far as my Evengalism goes. I mean that is the message I have been called to proclaim.

I must stay clean to carry it.

In there lays the problem, if you will or issue or concern or fear.

Staying Clean.

See, I used because all my life I felt, well different. Like I was on the outside of the fishbowl and all the other fish (people) where on the inside, I was scared to talk to a girl, to have friends, to try my best.

Then I found drugs and I was in the fishbowl with everyone else.

I was comfortable in my own skin, for a moment.

Then I became an out of controll drug addict batteling, unable to give up drugs, I had nothing else.

Then I stopped. I had to they were gonna kill me.

Well now, I am trying to live life clean. And be me. Good parts, bad parts, all parts.

Just me, Joe.

I love to see the new addict trying to get clean, because I know anybody under any situation can get clean. So that’s why I hang around.

Yet inside well I still need stuff, like people to be accountable to, people to laugh with, people to enjoy.

In fact it’s my only real need.

I say that because I have the gigantic fear, that I am, well creepy for lack of a better term.

I mean when Metoo, and Kitty and Stu, and Lil dove and whomever came on here my heart sored.

That lonliness in me was filled,

I just hope that my affection for you guys, isn’t over the top.

I realy need you guys. I know that I have placed my trust in God.

I know it will be OK.

Like I said, expressing these fears, these feelings, letting people in scares the shit out of me.

I am so dam needy, I wish I wasn’t, but I am.

I live a really sheltered life. Work, Home. That’s about it, you know.

This lifestyle is extreemly new to me, I used to stay out, in bars, coffe houses, concerts, I was the life of the party, so to speak.

But it was fake.

Today I’m real and it feels so all alone.

So one little smile from Metoo, or one little insight in to kitty. Sorry to hear aobut Smokey, which ironically enough was and is still my nickname back in Pa. (hometown) in fact everyone still calls me Smokey when I go home. Is my Manna.

I have so many unfulfilled parts of me still, and I know Jesus will fill them, as he sees. For I surrender my will to him daily.

The last hing I want to do is be a pest, or some freakshow, or some weirdo. I just don’t really know how to interact with others all that well.

So, just for today I am going be me, big risk, but I think it’s the only way I can stay clean. I can’t start lieing to myself or you guys.
So if I get a feeling I am going share it, a fear I am going share it.

I knwo this blog is about getting off pills. And Adam through providing it played an interegal part in my transformation.

I sahre all this personal stuff here, because I got no where else to.

My family, is busy, which is good. And has I have learned staying claen is my and only my respnsibility.

I also learned that staying clean without interacting with others sucks.

So while your here, and Thank you Lord Jesus Christ, for being here. I am going to lean on you guys.

This poses the second delima, first I gotta share intimately with you guys, and second I gotta hope I don’t freak you out. I don’t know, this part inside me says, shut the hell up joe, exchange some niceties and find some other outlet.

The other part of me says, no Joe, open up, take a risk, be you, share it all, that’s why I saved your ass, silly.So you could be a witness. and Witneses are where it’s at.

Look it, I;m not your run of the mill Jehovah Witness, knocking on the door at the wrong time. I am not here to offer some liturature and a new book, nothing wron with Jehaovah witness, I just not that dude.

I’m an addict, A fromer substance abuser with some Love, some charm, some flare, some fun, some sorrows, some joys, some wants, some desires. Hell, Im a guy for christ sake. Today and Just for Today I am a cool guy, I need work, but for christ sakes don’t we all.

I am not gonna spend my time on this board, wollwing in self pity, I deal with stuff as it hits, I oursue feelingas the arise, I am enjoyinf the hell out of being clean. Every second, I am not wasting one of them, Man.

So I am here partying, the NEW way. I hope I don’t offend anyone, anyone at all. But, just for today I gotta be me.

For all my daily fulfillment is met, through the word, and you guys. And work and my children.

One pill changes all of that, you know.

I guess if I gotta risk exposure or take a pill. I am exposing man.

So There it is, insight into Joe on Monday morning.

Former substance abuser, scared, lonley and needy, hanging out enjoying you guys more than words can express.

Peace

But I’m still Joe, changing but still Joe.

377 Stu { 10.18.10 at 5:16 am }

The run went well, thanks. The last six miles were pretty painful, but no lasting injuries, so far. I was joking with one of the guys at an aid station that asked if I need something, “just some pain meds”. I think one of my little sisters on the run was on the same wave length. Gotta watch our for her. She’s cute too.

Joe, great post again. It’s awesome to see you open up some. I am trying to do some of the same thing. It helps.

Last night I had some strong revelations and feelings. It was borderline “panic attack” material again. This time there was some focus to it, not just raw fear/terror. I was thinking about how much time I had wasted, particularly the last year. And the fear of going back to that. The insane behavior, that I see to be crazy now.

It was overwhelming. It’s been since early in sobriety that I had to do this, but I kept telling myself “things will be better in the morning” “this is temporary and it will pass”.

God has really been covering my ass, but He can only do so much. I get the feeling that I used up the last of my nine lives. Sorry about smokey KittyMom.

It’s beautiful where I am too. Cool fall in the Mid-West.

Have a great week guys.

378 metoo { 10.18.10 at 12:05 pm }

WOW. WOW. WOW. Joe, if you are creepy, then I am creepy too. I cried as I read your post…your honesty, your love, your words. I can totally relate to your fishbowl “picture.” Oh, how true…and I also feel so much for others here. I should open up more like you men are. Then, though, I would be vulnerable. Right now, I can’t afford it. I barely have the bandwidth to give the little bits that I do give. Thank God I am clean, because if I were dealing with that old pill hassle too, damn. That would really suck. But, Joe, I couldn’t have appreciated your words any more. No skimming from Metoo, this time!!! :D

Stu, how ironic about your panic attack again last night. I wonder if I had a matching one over here in my world. I wish I were there to give you a big pat on the back for talking yourself through it!!! You wrote, “I was thinking about how much time I had wasted, particularly the last year. And the fear of going back to that. The insane behavior, that I see to be crazy now.” I felt the same panic. So much wasted time, so many things left undealt with during that time…so much “makeup” homework….

During the moments of an attack like that, it’s hard to BELEIVE that God is listening. But…then today…

There is an old man who walks past my store everyday. For the past few months, I have joined him on the sidewalk in front of my store~just a selfish way of thinking..”Maybe HE knows the meaning of life…the HOW DO YOU GO ON??” We have never even exchanged names…just hugs here and there, and well wishes.

One day last week, I asked him how he was doing. He explained that he was weak. And has bad arthritis. I told him about Archangel Raphael, and about the angels. “God sees everything He created as PERFECT. It was when He created it, He sees it as perfect today, and PERFECT FOREVER.” “So,” I said, “God doesn’t understand when you ask Him to help. You are already perfect in His eyes.” That’s why He gave us the angels!! They are ready, and will enter ANY situation WHEN THEY ARE INVITED, because they cannot come against our free will. WE MUST ASK. ” So, my elderly friend went on down the sidewalk.

He came IN to the store today….(he has never come in before…). I was having my normal bleh day, so I was surprised to see him, and asked him if he just stopped in to give me a hug??? He said, “Yes, AND I came to thank you…” Aha!!! The ANGELS???? Yes. He said, “I am feeling at least 50% better, and even my arthritis is getting better!!!!!” He was so happy…so energized…so ALIVE.

I broke down in tears.
My angels helped my friend.
My friend who’s name I don’t even know.
I gave him something useful~something worthwhile.
The angels heard him pray.
They came to his aid.
Angels are real.
I am thankful.

I pray that each of us can invite the angels in. Invite the angels to connect us and take our wishes to each other…to bring the scent of a cup of coffee to each of us to remind us of kitty’s front porch.

That we can each send our comfort phrases to others like Stu and I who experience anxiety just when we need THAT phrase..whispered by an angel into our ear.

That we might all be able to wrap our arms around Suzy and Lil Dove and ALL THE OTHERS WHO NEED A HUG RIGHT NOW..that there may be an angel sent with just a hug when we need it the most.

That there might be a whisper of hope coming from an angel of healing for each of us. That that angel might be SO REAL that we can FEEL her…that kind of angel.

Can we all invite the angels? I know that I will. With a renewed sense of faith in those wings…

I love you angel network…send that message wrapped in a hug to everyone who reads this….especially Joe, cuz he started it!!!! Hugs to you, Joe.

379 Kitty Mom { 10.18.10 at 12:56 pm }

Oh Joe – keep opening up like that – I found out two important things from your post – one, about the fish bowl….In the early part of my life I was extremely shy – I mean painfully shy and your words just knocked me for a loop cause I mean I never fit in in the high school part of my life and early adulthood – was afraid to talk to people, never knew what to say or talk about. and second of all that you are from PA – cause that is where I am from. I can to Florida when I was in my twenties and have been here longer than up there – but that is where I grew up and spent my early adult life…Wow, small world.
Joe if you are creepy then keep on being creepy..haha. It was a real pleasure to see you open up and I so was wrapped up in your post and know how you feel cause I am depending alot on all of you and sometimes it scares the shit out of me also…but I sort of look at this as my NA meeting only you guys are my support instead of the people at the meetings – I Hate meetings and I could never relate to talking in the flesh in front of them – but here it is different – I feel safe here for some reason and I feel close to y’all here.
Stu and Metoo – I am sorry about your panic attacks – at times (last night I could not sleep again) I get to feeling all kind of weird too. Its like I am scared that I will go back to how things were. I could relate better to being out of the house back then – had a feeling of I can do anything if you know what I mean – I feel like I want to go to work and stay close to the house the rest of the time – I am going out, but it is different now. There is a slight fear there – an unsafe feeling at times….but it gets better as time goes on. I am praying that God is just giving me a little rope at a time to protect me from going backwards.
Well everyone – glad you all posted – always a pleasure to hear your thoughts – I will continue to come here as long as you do. I hope our new lil dove and suzy (only one post) is hanging in there and taking baby steps and making some good decisions – we need some additional success stories on here.
Wells folks – gota go – just found out my father-in-law is going into the hospital – Please keep us in your prayers!
Love Ya
Kitty Mom

380 Joe { 10.19.10 at 1:16 am }

Good Morning folks,

Whew, what a relief. Whenever I tell someone, someone I respect my feelings, I immediately get hit with the flight response, run away.

I get scared to look at your responses I fear, that I have pushed away those I want to draw nearer to.

Yet, I am met with Love and acceptance.

Thank you Stu, Kitty and Metoo. I can NEVER repay the debt I have toward you guys.

I have never been ME, before. So you know come along for the ride as Joe searches, acts out, does some things that are right, does somethings that are wrong, pushes here, tries to go there. I don’t know what’s in it for you guys, but shit, I’m staying clean.

Like I said, and this will be the last time I mention it. I am Learning how to be a Man, a Better Man.

Ah, the angels, I know they are around, they gotta be real.

I say one prayer every morning. The Our father. at times I add additional stuctured prayer, but always the our father. The rest of my prayer is a mix of pleading, begging, listening and questioning.

This line is striking me lately.

Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

For example-Angles, I believe are part of that kingdom, thus present both on earth and in heaven. Joy is how that makes me feel, Joyous.

As with most things with God, though I gotta do my part ,right.

Thy will be done–now this is where the flesh, becomes a barriar.

My mind, My ego, My desires. I love earthy pleasures. I mean I Love them.

I love sports. I love them

I love things, High def TV, Computers, Furniture.

I Love woman, their thoughts, thier beauty, their emotions, the way I feel when I am talking to them, thinking about them.

I am no romeo that’s for sure. In fact my wife was my first girlfriend. I never played the field, and I have been faithful to the vows. Well, at least in the practical sense. Of course my Leader informs me , Jesus, that is. That lust in the heart is the sin, for which I’m guilty, man.

We Lived together for 4 years and have bbeen married for 14. So from 15-27 I was in love with drugs. And the rest of the adult years with my wife. So I only have 1 relationship to go by.

And it’s cool, I’m in it, gotta find away to live with it. Got 2 daughters who need their Daddy and a Daddy that need his two daughters.

So my current deliema is I very much want to spend my days in the kingdom here on earth.

But what if God’s will for me is No TV, NO Internet, No sports and NO woman.

Oh god, what if he has called me to life of chastity, of celebcy, heck i don’t even know how to spell that one, what if his will for me is to be monkish.

I mean I practically live that way now, Isolated, In his word, trying to crucify the flesh. Shamed, and guilted by my the thoughts.

Christ, maybe I do need a shrink.

Anyway, just another peak into Joe, while I am on a roll.

I will now resume my place as cheerleader, come on guys.

NO DOPE TODAY.

So here i am pushing the envelope again, straining you guys. Maybe I just got to live on the dam fringe, I don’t know.

Please don’t leave me.

Joe

381 Kitty Mom { 10.19.10 at 5:34 pm }

Joe – just consider us your shrink! That is all any of us need! I know this is mine!

Hey Y’all – I just had to ponder some things before I wrote on this page tonight.
My father in law is still in the hospital and has not even seen the doctor yet but says he feels better – he might just walk right out of the hospital if he gets tired of waiting – we never does tests that he does not want to do – but he never finds out what is wrong either – I think he just goes in for the rest or to see the pretty nurses or whatever…
I am so uplifted on here because of our success stories and the friendships formed here that most of the time I can’t wait to get home and see what everyone has to say in their posts – their progress – their spilling their guts – their triumphs – their weaknesses – their strengths.
It scares me at times that I am so attached here – but the encouragement it brings much surpasses the fear.

I have lost count of the days since I stopped the pill merry-go-round and I honestly feel guilty that I am having such success and very rarely even have a desire to to back to that existance. I just pray that I help just one person on here in their journey as I have been helped here. That is my desire now.
Love to all of you
Kitty Mom

382 lil dove! { 10.19.10 at 10:10 pm }

Hello everyone,dear joe if I may I would love to give u alil word from my knowledge of the Lord nd his word! 1 Christ came to give us life&life more abundtantly,satan is the one who comes to kill,steal&destroy! Since u r already married hun,then Jesus doesn’t want u 2live like. A monk! U &ur wife r 1n the fathers eyes nd being “intimate”w/ur wife is doing spiritaual warfare together! The enemy of r lives doesn’t want us to b n unity with r spouse bcuz the word says where there is envying n strife is there is every evil work! We r all battling r own demons here u 3 have concured urs this far praise the Lord! Also he won’t take away the material things u love but at times he will ask us to go on a fast from some of r fleshly wants n desires only to draw closer to him n prayer n worship nd his word! But not from ur wife darlin,the lord don’t mind if we have earthly n material things as long as they don’t have us! Ya no wat I’m sayn? I ask the precious holy spirit to lead u n guide u nd give u fresh revelations n his word nd n ur prayer time he longs for us his children his creation to fellowship w/him! I am still alive over here n cali but I do have a dilema my husband just refilled his script so I’m guna try to use this lil amount to tapper to nothing nd hopefully no full blown w/ds. Went nd applied for jobs today to hopefully gey some income coming in nd want to be clean to go to work maybe this will help with the depression nd tthe feelings of being a burden nd uselessness! I really want to stop all the madness/craziness nd vicious cycle of it ALL! I so want to reach the otherside w/the rest of you. See life in a more beautiful way like u guys explain on here! Kitty I am guna try to find a new church to get back into that routine,I used to b so involved in many different aspects of ministry! Worship team,intersessory prayer team,food n clothing ministry,street n park witnessing,overhead projector,nd head church cleaner untill my wonderful pastors got a better offer at a megachurch in san jose cali nd hubby got jealous of all my time spent doing my work for the Lord and was truly happy n blessed doing all my work never been happier! Sorry for all the babbling! Just need to get to doing something again! Best wishes to u all! Still wish I had $ for the recipe oh well,pray for me n my family love Lil Dove!

383 Joe { 10.20.10 at 1:23 am }

Hey Now,

Lil Dove—I hear you sister. Thanks, Antime, Anyone hits me with some word I’m all ears. I soak that shit in like Cold Water on a Hot day.

Kitty, I to am anticipatory of coming here, It”s a blast, I love it. Life is hard, Pain shared is Pain Lessened.

Like I say I got 2 choices.

1. A Pill–lonliness, anger, sickness, darkness death.

2. Come here—– share, listen,be around beautiful woman, and great guys. Take risks, connect, light. Love. Life

Just for today, the choice is easy. I never forget however,if I stray, the choice somehow gets all twisted up. And the pill looks attractive, now that is the flat out insanity of it all.

So, please hurry home and check in, I am waiting.

Metoo-after you Angel post the other day, I was sitting out on my front porch, last night. Then all of the sudden this song started in my head and it got louder and clearer and it sounded perfect.

Im not sure of you Musical Taste, but hear is a link, if you got a minute close your eyes and give youself a break.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB7u0au0LxU

One of those surreal moments at sunset in Texas with an Orange sky and a cool breeze, Yep the heavens opened up for a minute and I got to hear what it sounds like….

Thanks for the moment.

Stu–Life treating you kindly?

Love to all no exceptions

384 Kitty Mom { 10.20.10 at 2:58 pm }

Hey folks,
It has been 39 days since I have taken a pill and I am on top of the world over it.
And – I am so glad that I have this place to come every day to share my story and hear yours.
Folks that are just beginning their struggle to get off the merry-go-round are a real inspiration to my continued sobriety. It never hurts to hear from those going through withdrawal. It makes me so thankful that I am already through it and on my way to being the person I want to be – the person not having to count pills every day to see if there are enough (there never are enough) and wondering where the next prescription is going to come from. That in itself is a relief beyond words. The money spent – Dear God – how did I ever justify spending all that money. It is plain madening! To those newbies over on the THOMAS RECIPE posts – it gets better – it really does – the last thing to come back is the sleep and it eventually does. A mere two weeks and you are almost human again and that is such a short tinme compared to how long I was strapped to the pill scene.
Thanks my friends for being here as I vent, as I boast my happiness, my concerns, my fears – God had truly answered my prayers in you guys.
Metoo – thanks for everything and be safe and have fun! Godspeed. Joe – keep sitting on that front porch enjoying the Texas breeze. I’ll be thinking of you when sitting on mine (love those front porches). lil dove – I loved your post and that is the most positive I have seen you ever – could it be you are letting that Holy Spirit into you…I hear some positive thinking going on there. Please consider tapering this time and then biting the bullet to quit…we are all here for you. Stu, hope you are out there and OK – miss you!
Southern Mom – you can get right back on that horse again and ride into the sunset….God’s mighty hand will hold you up if you are too weak to do it yourself. All of those who are beating this, I celebrate with you – all those who are struggling, I pray for you.
Love to all – absolutely no exceptions!

385 metoo { 10.20.10 at 4:45 pm }

Kitty Mom…WHAT A POST!!!! Yes!!! It’s TIME to celebrate YOU!!!! Damn…I’m over here grinning. I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! Isn’t it so great when the victory really sets in??? YOU DID IT!!!! Isn’t it just the greatest feeling in the world??? YOU slayed the dragon. YOU made it through!!! I couldn’t be happier for you…
STUART!!!??? CALL HOME! (we miss you and are praying for you…)
Joe….Joe, Joe, Joe. Could you BE any better than you are?? You continue to amaze me day after day.
Suzy…I hope you’re ok, please post…my prayers are going out to you!
Lil Dove…Kitty Mom is right~~you post spoke volumes about the YOU who is inside….we are all here for you, and when you are ready to do this thing, we will be right here to lift you up. You are a beautiful person with so much to give the world!!! Thank you for being here with us. Let’s do this thing and get you in the clear. I’m praying for you, kiddo!!!!! :)
Southernmom, I hope you’ll check in….I am sending prayers ’round the clock for you….

386 metoo { 10.20.10 at 4:49 pm }

Oh. I almost forgot….I’ll be uninternetable until Tuesday…just so’s ya know. :) Please send me good thoughts over the weekend, ok? Thanks…I love you guys.

387 Joe { 10.21.10 at 1:27 am }

Good Morning Guys,

The Norweigans have a saying that goes something like

“That which is Loved is always beautiful”.

Could not agree more.

I think the more I hang around, the more I look deep inside me, as well as, observe that which is going on around me.

I see dope being used as a replacement, for Love.

Taking away those of have Legitmate reasons to take dope of course.

I know for me, all I wanted was Love.

To Be Loved.

To give Love.

To Be In Love.

The big Lie, was that intially dope was easier, than love. But as with any lie, it got much, much harder. To keep the lie going.

I mean I I have been through the Hell that is withdrawl so many times. It is HELL.

Hard man, Dope is hard and it gets harder.

Love is Hard, and gets easier.

The More Love I give, The more Love I have.

The more dope I give away, well the less dope I had.

It may seem like living without dope is impossible, that the issues are too great, that there is no way out.

Man, I know that feeling. It is so horrible.

I also know as a FACT, not a myth or a dream or a prayer. NO as a FACT. Love is Real.

That there is way out of the hell, I found it, it’s a path, you can find your path, I Know it’s out there.

Metoo-gonna miss you girl, I’ll be here when you get back. I promise.

Kitty-Oh my God. Your posts now, are riveting. Your spirt is so endearing, I am so enthralled with you. As we walk this road with it’s ups and downs, it joys and sorrows, i shall thank God for his intorduction of you into my Life. Now when I think of you one word just stands out. Sweetness. You are so sweet, like honey, Man. I feel like a bee buzzing around you getting my food. Sweet. Thanks for making my life so much sweeter every day. God I hope we keep walking this road together. They have told me it only gets better.

For my friends contenplating the jump off dope, keep coming back. We need you,

Love to all no exceptions

388 Stu { 10.21.10 at 11:32 am }

I like your Norwegian saying Joe.

I have been real low energy lately with a lot going on. I don’t know whether it’s depression or coming off an exhausting weekend or both.

My meditation journal came up “don’t listen you your mind. It is trying to trick you into using.” Boy is that ever true now. I am holding on.

The awesome fall weather is holding out. That alone is worth some good vibes.

389 lil dove! { 10.21.10 at 1:14 pm }

Good morninin to y’all this beautiful birthday mornin to me! Hahahehe just thought I would throw that out there! Anyways I teaally wish I had a milestone to b putting on here today but I don’t yet! But I will have soon tired of this up n down roller coaster nd I no u all no wat I mean! Can’t wait to say that I’m so proud of myself also wen I tell the core4 that I’m proud of them too! I also can’t wait to get on here to see the posts also. And the net on my phone won’t always let me log on here it shuts off on me! But I will check back in asap. Thank you for the kind words, I wish I felt the same way bout myself! But no very depressed bout myself nd entire situation. Sorry I better go b4 I start rambling! Sincerly with love Lil Dove!

390 Kitty Mom { 10.21.10 at 6:09 pm }

Hey y’all
Made it to the big 4 0 days
Wow – I never would have thought this was posible a few months ago when I was chasing my next dose of hydro and waking up in the middle of the night with withdrawals between doses.
Folks – this is possible – this will give you your life back – this will bring you to a place where friendship, love, and little baby step success replaces isolation, secrecy, lies, dope!
The pain of withdrawal is nothing compared to life without drugs….and I am here to tell you that God has mighty hands in lifting your burdens and friends have mighty hands also in lifting your spirit. You are not alone.
Joe – I thank you so much for your endearing kind words. I am so pleased and thankful to have found in you a friend and pleased as pudding that you have been here every day pulling for me and joining me in my success in becoming a new person. Your words have meant so much to me. I am off tomorrow and will have that cup of coffee with you in the morning on the porch.
Stu, I am so sorry that you are in a little bit of a funk right now. Hang in there and be strong…you can do it and it is not worth it to take a pill at this point – think about it – were they even making us feel good after a while – our body and minds were fiends after them, but were we really feeling better on them – were we really feeling anything at all but numb.
I miss you me-too and can’t wait until you return with your kind and inspiring words.
And our lil dove – soon we will be talking about your 40th day, and celebrating your victory just like the rest of us. You can do it – I have noticed the difference in you in the last few days and I believe the Lord has entered your soul and you will know it is time to quit shortly.
To all the newbies out there – let us know how you are doing. I know I speak for everyone here when I say we are here for you brothers and sisters!
Love you – absolutely mean it – forever
Kitty

391 joe { 10.22.10 at 12:21 am }

Hey Now,

40 days. WOW,WOW,WOW. If you could just feel the joy in my heart, the excitement in my soul, as I read that. When God gives you proof of his Love it does take away all the despair and stuff.

The vison of you on the porch with that sweet fall air, that sweet smelling coffee, that sweet heart, that sweet smile MY GOD. I can’t take the joy. I can not quit smiling. SWEET!!!!!!!

Lord, Kitty you just made my day, no wait my year. That vision is now etched upon my brain. Immeadiate gratitude is generated.

I can’t add a word, a thought. I got nothing to say. I’m speechless. This is a first. I’m blissful!!!

Just for today, NO DOPE.

Keep Coming Back, Please.

392 Kitty Mom { 10.22.10 at 6:36 pm }

Hey y’all
Well – it is a slow day here on this site folks – Just Joe and I were here today- It is late for me to be writing 10:30 PM but just spent the day with my Mom and we hit the thrift stores and antique stores all day so I’m a little tired. But, I had a great day – first day in years that I spent all day shopping not all buzzed on pills. And, I found some great “stuff” – Ahhhh – the thrill of the hunt, that is what it is all about.
Day 41 is over and yes, I think I have it beat….simple pleasures are coming back slowly but surely – Just for today, Joe, NO DOPE as you say. Just for today, God’s handiwork….simple pleasures an aromic cup of coffee… God …..good friends…..absolute LOVE
Take care and I will write again after my morning cup of coffee.
Love
Kitty Mom

393 lil dove! { 10.22.10 at 10:24 pm }

Well guys I really screwed up again and this is a story to well told! The tapering didn’t go well nd of course I took em all like abunch a skittles! So frkn stupid I guess I have no self control I thought I could I thought I did but that’s really naïve on my part! Youor maybe just I think you can control it but ur brain takes over n tells you that u need more wen u really don’t but it drives u to do it anyway. I think somehow a person has to get that driving force dealt with to b truly done with it! Does that just come n time or is it always n issue that u have to deal with forever off nd on? I really hate this nd scared to death of the w/d’s which I no the fear makes everything worse with all the w/d symptoms anyways! I no it can b done as kitty nd joe nd others have so well posted on here! I really wished I could move in with kitty to get all over it for ur support nd caring words nd I guess honestly so could feel like I’m being”mothered”! Just so u no that’s a term of endearment on my part, not tryn to b freaky or creepy! So please don’t take it the wrong way kitty ok? Sorry just very emotional nd scared outa my mind I have got along fall ahead of me nd I don’t mean to b scaring anyone else! This is a hellish thing to go thru wether ur alone or with someone that is going thru it at the same time as u. My husband gets very mean verbally!so that makes it worse on me emotionally. I’ve been taking around 20/10milgrm norcos aday that my brain kept telling me I needed,but in reality they aren’t helping just keepin me from being sick! My kids aren’t guna understand y we r sick again nd y they r not gettin the flu too. Cuz we r all crammed in a one bdrm mobilehome rightnow that a friend is lettin us stay n rent free cuz of no work! Iam very thankful for this its just hard goin thru the w/d’s with us all right here. Well idk wats guna happen over the next few days or weeks so I’ll try to update if I can! Congrats on all the days u all have under ur belt off the pills, I only wish I was there already! Thanks for listening nd letting me vent my anxiety, sincerly Lil Dove!

394 Dee { 10.22.10 at 11:47 pm }

Amazing site! You are all so courageous to share your most personal thoughts!

Kitty Mom, my condolences on the loss of your Smokey. I had a Smokey too, who “crossed over” 6 years ago. She was the light of my life. Silly how a cat can be the light of a life, but I think most of you can understand.

Joe, you are incredible to share so much of yourself. I hope you can find the ability to be as kind and loving to yourself as you are to everyone else. It sounds as though you don’t judge anyone else but you are very hard on yourself! You said in one post that you want friends – i think you certainly deserve friends! But you would not be as hard on them as you are on yourself!

To everyone else: you are all amazing!

For myself, I am a 60 year old teacher who has taking vicodin ES for 15 years for migraines. Nothing else has worked. In the past year I have discovered the trigger for most of my pain was soy – which is found in just about everything I was eating. Thought it was “healthy” food – but not for me, apparently! So i found this site because I’m trying to get off the narcotics for good. It’s harder than I thought.

I’ve been luckier than many, I think, in that I never got into trouble with narcotics use, but i can see all too easily how that could happen. While I took the meds for legitimate pain it took the edge off all the emotional stuff, too – and I think everyone has their own garbage they have to endure, so this is not whining – just explaining that I understand all too well how narcotics can become trouble.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to figure out how to post on this site again. In case I can’t, I just had to let you all know how much your stories inspired me. You are all in my prayers and I beg for you to pray for my success in kicking substances.

395 Joe { 10.23.10 at 2:07 am }

Hey Now,

Lildove, that’s just it girl, you are no different than me. I am addict. That means very simply I suffer from 2 very simple, BUT FATAL mental illnesses.

1, OBSESSION–A FIXED IDEA THAT WILL NOT GO AWAY. THAT TELLS ME DRUGS WIL HELP, IN SOME WAY. FOR ME I WAS TRYING TO KILL MYSELF AT THE END. THAT IS HOW THIS WORKS. IT IS A ROGRESSIVE THOUGHT AND IT ENDS IN DEATH. OR PRISON. OR AN INSTUTIION.

That is jsut a fact about Joe, It will never change. And Until I got that my Mind was Broken I could not fix it.

Do you have a fixed idea, that drugs ar NEEDED.

2. COMPULSION–Once I take 1 PILL I WILL ALWAYS TAKE MORE. No exceptions.

Do you need to take more than 1 Norco at a time.

If you TRUELY answer these questions than your an ADDICT.

JUST LIKE ME.

There is only one difference bewtween you and me today girl, I DID NOT TAKE A PILL.

Look I love having you around, and heck maybe your not an addict, I do not know, only you do. I stop jusdging when it crosses over line, to the motives of anothers heart.

That’s where sin starts, for me When I think I know what’s in your heart. I don’t.

I LOVE YOU GIRL.

There is GREAT NEWS. I mean news that is beter than more dope, better than your grandkids back. better than your old man treating you right, better than money, better than your own place, better than anything.

It’s very simple.

Read this.

YOU DO NOT NEED TO USE TODAY NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL—–PAGE 79 OF THE NA BASIC TEXT.

Hey you know you can keeping coming back, and coming back high, but if you are an addict and you keep using, the day will come when you are somewhere without internet access or your phone. Trust me on that one. I’ve been there. IT SUCKS.

Kitty, thanks for stopping by, and you know there ain’t nothing wrong with a bit of downtime, hanging with MOM on the hunt. I did that with my mom back in August, at a mall up in Scranton Pa. My Hometown, I ended up with a coffee mug from THE OFFICE store. My favorite show.

Great day.

Enjoy the coffee, I got mine. As always, your in my thoughts and prayers.

As are you LILDOVE.

Peace

396 lil dove! { 10.23.10 at 11:13 am }

Thanks joe and yes iam an have been an addict of something most of my life! All3 questions u asked are yes! I know my heart wants to b clean but my mind won’t let me! I hate the fear I pray that the Lord would just take me home instead of live like this any longer the depression is hard as hell, and I know that this all an attack from the enemy of r souls nd lives! The Lord had realy did well numerous miracles for me back n the last 4months of 06′ he completely delivered me from the vics nd smoking cigarettes over night nd untill dec right around christmas I fell down the stairs of r home the second time it gave me severe damage to my sciatic nerve! Nd 2 of my lower dics so I stupidly told the Lord that I was just guna take the vics for alil while. Nd I would quit,but what I should of done was just simply ask him to heal me but for some reason the v’s were the first thing I thought of! So its been 4years now nd I have let the father down more times than I can literally remember! So that goes hand n hand with letting myself nd everyone else down to! The whole addictive voice thing makes total sence! I once heard it tell me 4yrs ago that would take vicodin for the rest of my life nd honestly idk if that’s my just punishment for giving up on my miracleous deliverance or if its satan making me believe that I will be! God knows my heart is to serve him,worship him, love him not a pill,nd to tell others about him! But instead I fail n doing any of those things bcuz I isolate myself almost completely until I found this site I only kept to my family nd 1best friend that I’ve known since I was 10. She has tried her best to talk to me nd understand but she doesn’t know this addiction nd it hurts her to see me like this. I hate hurtn ppl letting em down that’s y being accountable to anyone so I don’t disappoint them you guys,the Lord or whoever is to much for me to deal with! I’m sorry for being this way I don’t like how iam and no the pills aren’t helping me really deal anymore! Anyway enuf about my life sorry for the drama! Love Lil Dove!

397 Kitty Mom { 10.23.10 at 6:47 pm }

Hey Y’all,
Stu, I hope you are OK out there and handing in there and being strong. I am praying for you. Don’t give in to that addictive voice. Be strong!!!
lil dove, all your life situations are not being helped by taking the dope….I know you are taking dope to escape the life situations,k but did you ever think that the dope is causing the situations. Wouldn’t you think it better to let your kids see you with the “flu symptoms for a week out of your life…than to see you in jail at some point or dying from an overdose…or liver failure. The amount of pills you are taking could seriously damage your liver.
I more than anyone know that it is hard and like I said many times before I am not sure I could have quit either if the Lord had not put me in a situation of getting caught for double dipping from several doctors…I got caught and was embarrassed and frightful of going to jain and that put the fear of continuing in me. I will pray for you, but you have got to help yourself also. It is time to pull yourself together and get out of this lifestyle you are in…I hope i don’t offend you by saying all these things, but you need to look at the cold hard truth of the matter now and tell yourselfd that you will never get out of this lifestyle if you xcontinue to take drugs – that it will only get worse – and you will hurt your children much more than them seeing you with withdrawal symptoms…just think about it will you please?
I had a very productiive 42nd day clean today – worked around the house and did some serious cleaning – but did not get past one room which I tore apart completely and put back together. It was rewarding but I am beat tonight. Can’t wait to get to sleep very shortly after I write this post.
My thoughts and prayers are with you guys tonight and hope that you all are having a good weekend and getting through just one more day clean as a whistle. I am so very happy that I am and you are too Joe ande hope you are Stu and wish with all my heart that lil dove would make her mind up to it.
Love to all of you – absolutly positively no exceptions
Kitty Mom

398 Joe { 10.24.10 at 2:31 am }

Hey Now,

Up early here in Texas.

I so LOVE coming here each day. I hope we never run out of server space or storage or whatever it is that holds this all together.

I know it’s more than data, anyway.

Lil Dove, God I love you. Trust me, this is the one place you can come, no matter what. Love covers a multitude of wrongs, sister and remeber please, All have sinned and fallen short. Hey but we gotta try, try our best.

You current situation is not a spiritual war, it’s a physical dependency. Plain and simple.

Look, where There is disease Present the ability of free choice does not exsist, OK. Got IT.

You are not trapped in sin, your trapped in disease.

This is not punishment, it just a fact.

You got a disease. Period.

You can treat it, or not.

Kitty, How wonderful to see your words, I need you to know that you are helping me each day, that I get such fresh insight, fresh percpective, fresh hope.

You are such an energy. Really-I am not bullshitting you.

I know and have warned you about my salemanship character, and my desire to sell myself.

I made a choice this morning, I am going to be me with you, let you in alittle more, Yeah I;m scared you may reject me, and yeah I am clueless on the whole frienship thing, but something says I gott lean in, so .

So anyway I have been clean a while, and I’m scared. I am afriad I’m missing something, but I don’t know what it is.

I know just for today, No Dope.

But direction, purpose, God it scares me. The only things I enjoy are chatting wiith other addicts, and watching sports. I Love reading the bible and and trying to listen for God.

Is that enough kitty, or do think I outa being doing more, I am a little lost.

I’m sorry to bother you, but I need your freinship, and dam I hate to be needy, it is way to vulnerable.

Love

399 Stu { 10.24.10 at 4:00 am }

I am still out here guys.

I am hurting bad and goofed up.

400 lil dove! { 10.24.10 at 11:01 am }

Thanks for the help I’ll chk n n afew days with an up date love u lil dove!

401 Kitty Mom { 10.24.10 at 1:06 pm }

Joe – just for today – no I don’t think you ought to be out there doing anything different. You are doing OK (great) in my eyes. I think we all wonder if there is anything out there we are missing occasionally…and yeah we probably are all missing something – but is it something that is good for us? – probably not. The sameness of life and the comfort of our own home and the closeness to God is probably the best place to be – I often remark that my life probably seems boring to most – but I myself have no remorse for my boring life. I could be out there partying on Friday and Saturday night – visiting all the nightclubs in the city, I could be joining all kind or organizations and spending time with friends but I am happy right here in my own home. I do projects, go out to dinner with my husband – go shopping – visit my parents – go to work each day – and that is about it…and it is OK. It is OK to talk on this board and watch your sports and go to work each day – that is the sameness of life and doing what you are comfortable with. I am not comfortable around alot of people and my husband loves to talk to people. He seeks conversation with neighbors and if I see someone outside, I stay in the house. I am shy, he is outgoing. I am deep, he is simple…everyone is different and has what they are comfortable with and there is nothing wrong with either way. If you are happy doing what you doing and not hurting anyone else, then don’t think there is anything wrong with it. I love talking to people on the board but if I had to go to meetings and talk to the people face to face, I probably would not. Am I making any sense or just babling???
Long story short – I enjoy my friendships on this board, but sometimes it is frustrating cause look at Stu – now how am I to reach out to him when he writes that little blurp that he is out there but is messed up – no way to reach out when we are so anonymous at times. You and I are here every day and we are sticking to our abstinance from dope and it is reassuring to me and makes me happy – but how do we deal with our freind Stu who is having some difficulty but we know not to what extent and how do we convince lil dove that she is special and that she CAN get off the dope instead of making all the excuses. Perhaps that is what we are missing right now – the ability to help these people when the desire is so there to help them but it is out of our control. Could that be it?
Well my dear friends – hope you have a good Sunday evening and tune in tomorrow once again. I will be waiting!
Stu – Hope you let us know more and let us help you in some small way. We are bere for you my brother.
Lil Dove – I hope I am not to hard on you – I just know there is so much hope on the other side that I want it bad for you!
Metoo – I miss your words am waiting to here them again on Tuesday.
You are all in my prayers – I mean that.
Yours affectionately
Kitty Mom

402 Joe { 10.25.10 at 1:16 am }

Hey Now,

Happy Monday!!!!!!

Man, Kitty thanks so much for taking the time, and the response made me feel so well, comfortable.

I too, am so grateful for this board, it allows me to be me. This is my great lesson, i feel as though I need to learn.

That Joe is OK. That i do not have to create someone other than who I was created to be.

I guess I connect with you on a host of levels.

1. The addiction–or as I like to say, former substance abuse.

2. The depth, if I am not searching inside myself for feelings, thoughts, answers, questions, reasons, possiblilities..well than I’m not being Joe.

3. Being a homebody, somewhat. I was afraid I was Isolating, which for me can be dangerous. I need someone to bounce stuff off of. I need to have that anticapation of, How are they doing?
What are they doing, How are they feeling. It is the essence of life. For me at least.

That is why I have become so interested in your life, your day to day. You provide me with that. That well connection I need if I plan on growing, going deeper and finding more.

I am so thankful to meet someone who understands, that I really enjoy the simplistic side, that while in the past I had this grandosity, this bravado, this personality, It was really not me, it was who I had to be to survive active addiction

I hope you understand what it is I am trying to convey to you,

For once in my life, I’m me. I have a few very select friends. I open up to, in fact here is the current list You, Metoo and Stu.

I could never ask for anything more.

Your right about the constrictions of this board, I have found though that, for me it is enough. And if you hang around, I hope you discover it also.

I am Free today, and I could choose, (my free will) which for me is THE GREATEST GIFT of all the gifts, any nuber of ways to spend my days.

Just for today, reading your thoughts, sharing my feelings with you. Having concern for stu, lil dove and everyone in the struggle. Missing metoo, working. Hugging my daughters, reading The word. That is where it’s at.

Like this morning my reading was about the woman who was infirmed for 18 years doubled over in pain, well jesus heals her on the sabbath, this freaks out the religious folk. Work being perfomed on the sabbath.

I love that story, First for the Healing. Then that Jesus is into the NOW, not so much the day or time. Or the rules or the Laws. Now is an acceptable time. Now is where it is at. I stay in the Now.
It’s where the healing is.

So yeah, I connect wth you, which of course scares me, but NOW, it’s cool.

I hope and pray, I don’t come offf has some stalker. I uderstand this is the web. I’m just being me.

Thanks. Really Thanks.

403 Kitty Mom { 10.25.10 at 6:21 pm }

Dam it anyway Joe – I just wrote a book and something happenned to it and it went away so I will try again – maybe a condensed version – maybe not.
In a nutshell – I am glad you feel you can connect with me – I feel the same way. Maybe it is because you are so damn dependable and are here every day and I look forward to coming home and reading your deep thoughts. I love writing on here and sometimes I hope I am not going on and on too much. I really love writing and this is a good outlet for me – especially if I am getting through to someone. It is so good to see someone on here like you Joe who is in the same boat as me and dealing with it every day – of course we have these doubts about who we think we should be apposed to who we really are but little by little, I know i am learning who I am and it seems to me that you are doing the same. I smile when you talk about hugging your daughters – I can’t wait too see my daughter this week – it has been several weeks since I have seem her and I am jonsing for her. She is married and has a busy life, and I am not the interfering type – just very happy to spend time with her when I can. She is 26 and a nurse and I am so very proud of her. She knows nothing about my addiction to pills – I was very careful not to let her know. Now I am so happy not to have to worry ab0ut it any longer. That is one of the greatest rewards of this whole thing. I hope that stu gets it together to write something and let us now how he is doing – we just want to be there for you Stu – no judgement – just concern….Same about lil dove.
Can’t wait till you get back too metoo – I am praying for you and hoping everything is working out for you. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
Well Y’all, It is getting late and I need to unwind a little before bed-time so I will sign off for now.
Love,
Kitty Mom
PS -sweet dreams

404 Joe { 10.26.10 at 2:05 am }

Hey Now,

Man, I can relate to the post that goes astray. Frustrating, but just as you did I never let it deter. I imagine you would have a great blog if you compiled all the near misses from deleted posts.

I fully related to the feeling of seeing a post, from you. It’s like, whew I’m not alone. I have spent years in meetings and it is really hard for me to be me in public situations.

I guess growing up there was some negitive energy in my house, alot of love but well addiction and the coleteral damage was present.

It became my role to make people smile. Laugh, forget about the pain. While, I still do that, it is my greatest joy ever. To make some else smile, I hope your smiling now.

The addiction took over that skill and used it to further the addiction, build a wall.

Well now the wall is coming down.

I do Love. And that’s risky business. But hell like Nike says, Just do it.

I just Love without the expectation, well at least that’s what I’m striving for.

More than anything, I hope you stay clean, I mean your spirit is to bright, to get it muddied by pills.

And know one knows or understands the great relief they provided, nor that quiet call of the wild, so to speak that seems to linger.

I do know this, that THE ONLY THING, that has ever worked in treating my disease for any period of time is EMPATHY. Staying clean with someone who is trying to stay clean.

So for you to use the dependable, well you will never understand how DEEP that goes,
I wish I could take the credit, But I think we both get. Love (God), found us, Love (God) brought us to saftey, Love (God) keeps us growing.
God love me so much, well he decided it appears to fix up this brokedown palace of his.
In fact he Loves me so much he sent me an incerdible woman, he knows that’s the only one who get get my attention, Who appears to be found of restoration and bringing out the NEW. Even if it’s by adding something Old(antique shopping) reference.

It appears the firsst room he has decided needed some fixing was on the DEPENDABLE, room.

I guess the whole renovation of Joe project is to become more like the Creator.

So I think it might be safe to say God is Dependable.

The only way I can show my reliabilty, which is really showing God’s reliability is simply this.

Here you have a one time pill freak, who shows up every day, and he shows up clean.

Now folks if I can restore Joe to dependable status, well than you get your first glimpse in to the New Palace, I’m working on.

Stick around, while I never actually finish this restoration the rroms I will reveal will be quite spectacular.

Of course the would glisten even more ith imput from other creators.

Metoo I can’t wait for you to get back, I need your imput. The project of Joe’s restoration needs it. I miss.

Same for you Stu and Lil Dove and anyone else.

God thank you.

Love

405 Stu { 10.26.10 at 3:07 am }

I had a rough weekend. I got real drunk Friday night and kept it up pretty much until Sunday night. Also, I think I have a case of the stomach flu, for real not just the hangover which is bad in it’s own right. I took a couple of hydros to take the pain of the hangover away.

So, I guess I am starting over. Sorry to be the bearer of sad tidings, but it is what it is. At least I wasn’t out there that long this time.

I am back to praying constantly. I just want to feel better

406 Kitty Mom { 10.26.10 at 1:54 pm }

Stu, welcome back and I am glad you stated that you Are STARING OVER – That is better than Not starting over and continuing more of the same. I want to tell you a story about alcoholism – my grandfather who is deceased now was a binge alcoholic. He worked for a living in the steel mills in Pittsburgh and he supported his family….he did not drink in between binges, but when he started to drink, he drank himself into a stuper – sometimes staying in his room with no food – just alcohol for several weeks at a time. He sometimes went out and drank and would stay out for weeks at a time. Anyway, his doctor told him when he was in his forties (I was a little girl at the time) that if he continued to drink, he would die. Well, he quit cold turkey, and I never saw him take a drink ever again as long as he lived. I was in my thirties when he died. I guess my moral to that story is that anyone can turn over the proverbial new leaf if they have the will to change. But – putting it in God’s mighty hands helps.

I have a prayer for today:
Dear Lord, I have depended on myself so many times and have fallen short. My confidence has been shaken. Rebuild me by helping me to put my full confidence in You. In Jesus name. Amen.

Joe – I will be here for the Joe restoration if you are here for the Kitty restoration. Each day away from drugs gives me hope and freedom to become the new me…or the old me although they may be one and the same. I was in Love with the pills for a long time – not a long time considering how long I have been around – but long enough where I could have hurt myself or got in real trouble. It is such a relief to not be in that place any longer. I am so lucky that I do not mentally or physically crave which I am so very thankful to the Lord for. That was my biggest fear in the first week or so that I would be paralized without the support from the drugs – but the pills were the ones paralizing me. I am still not 100 % over the desire because if I were , I would tell those internet consulting people that I am not interested when they send me stuff – I just delete the mothers from my e-mail but have not had the guts to cut the ties completely. I know in my heart that I will not sucumb to them, but just in case!!!!! Sucks doesn’t it.
My baby just called me – I can’t wait to see her this week. What an inspriation that child is – so stong in her convictions – so close to God – I am a very lucky mom to have her.
My only hope now in all of this is that I can help or inspire one other person here to call it quits on the substance abuse or keep just one person from starting it up again – so here I am Joe, Stu, lil dove, metoo, at your beck and call…I am here for you, 100% praying each day for all of us hoping and caring so very much that your lives can and will be happy and fulfille – without drugs!
Love You
Kitty

407 Stu { 10.27.10 at 5:36 am }

KittyMom, that’s an awesome prayer. I will use it.

Thanks for the words of encouragement too.

My family also has alcoholism and drug addiction in its lineage. Grandparents, parents, cousins all died related to it. I though I had cut that family tradition back in ’89 when I first got sober. Not so, since I “went back out” in 05 it’s been mostly the booze and drugs in control.

At least I keep trying, and keep getting my ass kicked when I go out. I was really living risky this past weekend. I have to keep it vague, which is probably merciful to you guys so I don’t ramble on an on.

Here’s part of what happened. I have never been convicted of a DWI in many years of driving drunk. That’s mainly because I rarely ever drive drunk. Well, Friday night I went over to a friends house and drank about a half bottle of vodka. I drove home and come to find out drove about 1 block from a DWI check point in town that was working that night. I had drugs on me. I was hanging out where I was not supposed to be. I guarantee my wife would not have approved.

So, today I am looking back at what could easily have been a DWI, drug possession and extremely pissed off wife. None of those happened, but I sort of feel like they did.

The good news is now booze or drugs last night. For better or worse the last six weeks or so has been a taper. Not a planned or pretty one, but one nonetheless.

I keep telling myself that depression, anxiety and insomnia are all normal and will pass. It’s the depression that kicks my ass in early recovery.

I will be praying for God’s strength and guidance. He has been merciful so far.

Love.

408 Kitty Mom { 10.27.10 at 2:34 pm }

Stu – I am so very thankful that you did not get stopped for the DWi with the drugs in the car….sorry this weekend happenned to you at all – but at least you realize that is not how you want it to be. Wow – you were clean for a long time before going out again. At least you know you Can do it if you want to. Even though it is difficult, you can do it. My sister has had alcohol problems in the past and is sober – every once in a while she goes off the wagon but inbetween she stays sober and is a phenominal person – a good hearted Christian that would do anything for anyone and she is the one that got me through the first couple of weeks of my withdrawals by calling me each day and checking on me. I don’t know what the addiction to alcohol is to deal with but I know it must be difficult and hard to resist. I hope with all my heart that you beat it Stu….especially if you know in your heart that is what you want to do. I will be praying along with you through this – God Bles You.
OK – where is that dependable fellow named Joe – not on the board today after I called you on being here every single day – oh you missed one other day a while back too….I hope you are OK and there are circumnstances that are beyond your control that kept you off here today…or maybe you just needed a break! No news from Metoo – I hope you are ok my dear – I am praying for you to and hope you are OK and safe and sound somewhere you want to be. Gosh, not much action here at all today. I worry about you all when you are not here. Well – am going to sign off for now –
Have a great evening
Be Good
Be faithful
Love this life
Be here tomorrow!
Unconditional Love
Kitty Mom

409 Joe { 10.28.10 at 1:03 am }

Hey Now,

So I get up yesterday, hit ESPN, get my sports, Hit my Gospel of John Study group site, and then head over here, to get my fill.

Only I could not log on, and I felt it, disappointed.

I tried again, then I laughed and headed for the poultry. Could not locate the old ID badge, panic, now I’m running late.

Ah, say aquick prayer.

Hit the corner store accross from the plant, Maybe I dropped my badge after work the day before. I go in there everyday to buy my daughters a treat, for when they come home from school. Everyday, It’s my favorite thing. Those treats.

The old Korean lady says, Mr. Joe 3 dollar. I know she has it. Unreal, this store is so busy. Wow.

Get into work, and the giant hopper I work on had fell over during 3rd shitft. Which ment I would spend the next 8 hours shoveling the 4ooolb Vats of chicken into the machine, we ran 20. Ouch. a little stiff this morning.

Well I only log on to the internet in the morning, but man I was tempted to log on here and share the day, get connected.

I have no idea why I only log on in the morning, for social networking. I mean I’ll log on to shop, or get information, but I never network at night, kinda a Joe rule.

But the thing I took away from yesterday that was so Awesome. Was I missed you guys, I mean it has been a very long time since I missed friends. It was fucking great man.

Kitty, your last two posts, which I missed live, but you know I DVR’d them. I read them this morning. My God. I know that it may seem like nothing to you, but to get a glimpse into your thought, and moreso your feelings. Thank you so much.

I know I will go there, see the longer I stay away from pills, the more I need to go there, to open up, to let it out, to risk, to feel. I meditate all the time and that;s always the feeling I get. Connect. Connect with others. I really believe that I have hung around this board for months, praying and waiting, praying and waiting and not using.

I feel the connection you have with your sister, oh what a treat. I feel the concern you have for Stu and Lil dove, what a treat. I feel your fear of going back to dope, what a treat. I feel your passion for God, what a treat.

I guess it is trick or treat time.

As I sit here typing in my Avatar Costume : )

So last might we go and pick out Holloween Costumes.

My yougest is going as a 70′s Disco queen–God your getting up there when your day, is now retro. She looks awesome.

My oldest, who is going to a party Sat night, is, gulp.
(a sexy eskimo). Oh god.

It would be so much easier if I had a football player and a fireman.

So, Just for today, I’m cool. I’m connected and I am SO GRATEFUL. Kitty Keep Coming Back, I need you, girl.

Hey Stu,

Nice, I got the DWI with the drugs in the car. Actually I wasn’t drinking, I quit drinking a long time ago, I was high on Vicodin, Soma and Xanax, only I was just feeling like I felt everyday. Normal. which for me is against the law.

It sucks man, alot of cash, alot of inconvience. The whole thing is, Everyday someone kills someone while they are high. I met alot of cats doing 25-life, They aren’t monsters, or thugs or scary people. Those cats are in there to. But these cats are just guys, guys named Joe and Stu, who went out and never came home. They are in a cell, fighting for paper and , praying and waiting, getting the fuck beat out of them, being prayed upon, paying for the right to shower, paying for the right to eat. Paying for protection from the mosters.

I had cash, and people in there, It still sucked, I am a big dude brother, about 6-4 245 Solid man, and I was a whimp.

So yeah, Thank god you didn’t end up there. But you gotta realize, You could.

It’s a prison society brother, And society no longer wants drunks and addicts on the outside, they want you on the inside.

Just know with ever ileagle purchase, or drive to work or the store buzzed, your saying this is worth me spending the next 10 years fighting and not sleeping, crying and beating yourself up.

Why, Because the Loving God, held out his hand, told you, My son, grab it your about to go to some very bad places, I WILL keep that from happening, But you grabbed the dope instead.

And you know what, their ain’t no women in there, and there ain’t internet in there. There is dope. if you got money, or don’t mind homosexual acts.

So my choice today.

Deep intimate conversation with a Woman so special, (Kitty) awaiting the return of another fabulous woman (Metoo) Praying for the Love that is the Woman (lil dove). Hugging my daughters, who are all to quicly becoming woman.

Deal with the Woman that is my Wife, Who happens to be beautiful, and loving, who for whatever reason, I have no clue. Is to busy for me right now.

Man I love woman, I WILL not go years without them again.

I may fast from my the Joy, the ladies bring me. Voluntarily. To gain some type of enlightment or favor. But the Man ain’t taking that pleasure away. And I WILL NOT, just for today trade that for some dope, some dope are you kidding me.

But alas, that’s addiction, for me anyway. I always think, Shit you, you can have both, the dope and the Love.

But I know that’s the lie. It’s one or the other for this dude.

And just for today, by the Love of God, his son Jesus Christ and all the Grace. I choose Kitty’s words. Metoos. Words Lil Doves words.

In the immortal words of BOB MARLEY.

NO WOMAN, NO CRY!!!!!!!

If I can’t be here to make Kitty smile. or Lil Dove think, Or Comfot METOO.. And anyone else. Shit might as well be locked up.

Love is Real.

410 metoo { 10.28.10 at 5:36 am }

:) Hey, all!!! I have news!
The universe has finally given me the green light that will change my whole life. Changes are just around the corner….
I have been waiting for years for the change that awaits.
This is what has been taking up my time as of late.
I need this group of friends to help me along the way~~I am not big on change! So I am hoping to rely greatly on you folks to help “pray me ok” through the twists and turns in the road ahead.
More later, when I figure out how to explain this change on an internet board…lol…it’s so complicated. Can’t we just go to DDKitty’s for coffee???????
I love you all….

411 metoo { 10.28.10 at 10:09 am }

Hey, Joe….thank you for walking the walk that you have. Thank you for allowing me to walk beside you, my friend. I loved your latest post, giving us a glimpse into the daily life of Joe. I smiled all the way through that!!!
More later..gosh, I say that a lot. :)

412 Stu { 10.28.10 at 11:01 am }

Metoo congrats on the news, it sounds optimistic from your tone. Good luck on whatever it is that awaits you. The change part can be scary. I hate change. The bigger it is the more fearful I get, good or bad.

I can relate to what you said about “how to explain it on an internet board” too. There are things in my life that relate directly to my using but I don’t feel comfortable posting details.

Some are family struggles that may not be so unique. Other things/situations are such that I don’t discuss them with anybody. It’s tough to tie it all together sometimes.

I am just trying to trust in God and do what’s right.

I have not done this very well lately. He sure looking after me though even though my faith may be lacking.

Joe – I really appreciate the story of your DWI and thoughts on prison. That could have happened to me so easy. You nailed it man. There’s a lot of grace or luck involved in me being relatively scratch free right now.

I know my luck can and will run out if I don’t pull out of this tailspin though. It does get worse.

I could not handle prison. I went to an AA meeting at a prison once, as a visitor. I felt like the biggest Lilly white pussy in the place. I am what you would call big. Nor have I lived in what you would call a rough environment. No tattoos, nothing man. I would be in sheer terror. That’s why it was good you reminded me of what’s waiting in there.

It turns out that DWI taskforce was on the route I normally take. For some unknown reason last Friday I went to the next block up. That gives me chills and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

Sometimes I waver and am close to either recovery or just saying screw it I can never get sober. It’s very constructive and positive for me to read that bio from you. Thanks.

413 Kitty Mom { 10.28.10 at 6:26 pm }

Hey Y’all
Have not reported clean days lately – 47 days!
I am so elated about that
I just spent the evening with my darling daughter – we went to Sweet Tomatoes and then to a thrift store where I purchased a beautiful piece of Williamsburg Pottery for 2 freaking dollars – the thrill of the hunt – oh, and a little jack o lantern for halloween.
It was a special evening as is any time I spend with my child!

Joe – what an awesome post – I loved hearing about the little treats you buy your daughters – Ahhhhh the little peaks into the life of Joe – How I enjoy that. And the message to Stu was awe inspiring too. toward the end of my obsession with narcotics, I had the fear that I would end up in prison – I used to drive home from my parents so loaded on them, that I would be close to falling asleep at the wheel.
Today I received another E-mail from the on line consulting company to ask if everything was ok cause I haven’t consulted for a few months – and I wrote back to them saying that I was not interested at this time because I had weined myself off the pills and did not want to take them at this time. So, I think that was a pretty good step although I did not tell them I would never be interested again – which I am pretty sure I won’t be interested again…but, hey, I still kept my options open unfortunately.
Metoo – I am so elated that things are coming together for you – prayer does work doesn’t it.
Stu, take stock in what Joe said in his most recent post cause it sounds pretty damn scary and I don’t want to see you end up there. When I was first trying to come clean I thought that there was no better place in the world that I would rather be than in my own home. If I would have ending in jail, and had to detox in there, I can’t think of a more scarry scenario that that.

414 Kitty Mom { 10.28.10 at 6:33 pm }

Hey i was not done yet – the internet phantom just pressed enter before I was complete…
I am rambling on so I better get to closing this post anyway….I guess what I am trying to say is…I love you guys and am so interested in what you have to say…so keep coming back and I will be here to cheer you on triumph in your success and cry over your weaknessess and pray either way.
So in the words of James Taylor…
You’ve got a friend!
Unconditional Love
Kitty Mom

PS – Hey Joe – I know – isn’t a lark that people are dressing up for halloween in garb from the 70′s…..and 80′s….What Nerve!!!!

415 Joe { 10.29.10 at 1:03 am }

Good Morning Friends,

What a great way to start my day. The trifecta, post from all you guys.

Wow.

Yeah, I have learned that my life of ordinary events looked through the eyes of Christ, as to say The eyes of Joe is so completely different. So great.

I guess for me the biggest stumbling block to stopping was, lack of something that worked.

I mean folks that loved me, suggested meetings, it worked for them, but not me.

Folks suggested long term treatment-it worked for them, just not me.

The key was, I never quit trying. I hear you Stu-and as I have explanied over the years. The hardest, lonliest, sickest, scariest. Part of my life, or the stage of the disease that is the cruelest, is when you REALLY want to stop and you can’t.

Man, scary.

All I know is that your path exsist, it starts the same place as everyone elses. Day 1 No Dope…Now where that path goes, where it leads, that’s up to you.

I know for me, this path just keeps getting beter and better. The LOVE gets into my heart alittle more each day. I have no clue where it ends, and JUST for Today, I am not all that concerned with it. To much LOVE to esperience.

Metoo, YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!, Your back and well. I Love the fact that change has come your way, I am going dig this ride. Whatever it is, Let’s promise to enjoy the heck out of it.

Kitty–I had you pegged as a James Taylor type chick, got it.
And all I know is that any woman who can work the phrase, “isn’t it a lark” into a post, has my unwavering commitment. I am so glad you had dinner with your daughter, so did I, we had Tamales(sp). After my daughter got home from cheering. Her school won, so she was pumped.

As I read your posts, I got all emotional, God they grow up. Seems like just yesteday. AH, mind if I cling for a moment to that joy. You and your daughter at dinner, you clean and in the moment with all those Mommy thoughts running through that mind of yours, and your daughter noticing something is different, hmmmm, Ah the Holy spirit what a character. Man, I love your life Kitty.

God, thank you for these friends, see for me. I can’t do it alone.

Just for Today. Know I’m all smiles, as a result of the lives of three Great people.

Now who has my Pumpkin Pie with some coolwhip. And a cup of KittyCoffe, cream and sugar.

Peace. Love and Understanding.

Dinner in my house is usually served in shifts, except on Sunday’s sometimes when we gather for a meal. Work Schedule permitting.

It’s weird I came from a faimly of 7 all had a lot going on, but we had Dinner Time.

I hate the errosion of dinner time, Another area I have accepted. My wife did not have dinner time growing up so she never gets me missing it.

416 Stu { 10.29.10 at 8:36 am }

Today is much better.

I appreciate the family things you guys bring up in gratitude. Pulled by a vision into sobriety. It’s wonderful to hear.

I have a son with special needs and my wife and I have battled over the years on how to deal with those. We are finally on some common ground.

My son’s got a heart of gold. We struggle, we truly do, but at the end of the day I love him and my wife. My life would not be the same without either one. We do have some awesome times. NFL, MLB, serious cool guy stuff.

It’s a beautiful day here in the mid-west. The trees are just past full color. I am heading out to my rental in the woods for lunch and some maint.

KittyMom I haven’t burned my hc bridge with my Doc yet either. Never have, even when I was sober fourteen years. So there.

I have been getting killed on maintenance lately. Spent $700 last week for a gas line leak. Just found out a furnace needs replacing. Thats gonna be a couple grand. I am just trying to keep my chin up and not get freaked out and depressed.

The hydro’s won’t help at all. I know that. Sedatives and me do not get along. I abuse the shit out of them then do incredibly stupid things. I function so much better not on them.

My hands and innards have finally quit shaking after my weekend drunk. I will be on my best behavior this weekend. Hopefully that was the last time I get my ass kicked by the 800 lb gorilla Kettle One.

Bye now guys. I still love you all and appreciate you being out there!

417 Kitty Mom { 10.29.10 at 6:20 pm }

Hey everyone – I am writing late tonight again. I just rested today cause I had a biobsy done and was having a little pain and was very tired. Nothing to worry about per the doctor – just precautionary. I, as usual, was glad to hear from you Joe and enjoy hearing the daddy things you do and you too Stu. Our children are our most wonderful accomplishments – the joy of our lives – and they do grow up so fast. Before I knew it, mine was through high school – through college – moved out on her own – and was married. I pray with all my heart, that the next life experience in my life is a grandchild. That experience, they say, is like no other and even if she isn’t ready yet – I certainly am…hehe.
Metoo, let us know how you are doing. It sounds like you have some excitement around the corner, so as your friend, I am really excited for you – I can only hope and pray that it is something you have been waiting and wanting for some time.
You guys are the best and I would not have a complete day without coming here and listening to your experiences and sharing mine. Yes, Joe, I plan on making a pumpkin pie tomorrow and wish that we were getting together on the front porch with our coffee in one hand and pie in the other..yum!
Have not heard from lil dove lately and hope she is out there and that God has her problems in his strong able hands to lesson her burdon and He puts things in perspective for her. And Stu, keep on keepin clean just one day at a time – anything is possible with prayer and support and love….and yu have it all here.
Take care my friends and have a good weekend. It got a little hot here this week but we are having a cool spell tomorrow so I hope to enjoy the outdoors if not cleaning out the garage.
Love you unconditionally
Kitty

418 Joe { 10.30.10 at 1:35 am }

Weekend Love from Texas, Ya”ll.

Nice as always to start my morning off. Right. Here.

Thanks for sharing about your procedure Kitty. I hope the pain is bearable, and whatever precautions were taking down there, well we take them.

Remember, I need you. (selfish but oh so true)

I had a complete check-up in May, when I got a year clean.

I need some tinkering here and there, along with a follow-up.

I have some circulation issue in my left leg, It’s weird. because that’s the reason I went to the Dr. That led to the Anti Deprresant conversation, and the complete physical.

As for the leg the next step was an MRI, which showed no blockage.

So I wear this stocking at work, to reduce swelling, but he wants some more tests.

I hate that pharse “more tests”.

It does keep me from jogging, I gotta walk. I miss jogging.

So, I know our minds can sieze anything health related and twist that shit.

Mine sure as heck does.

And you know we got to much to do.

I wish I had your passion for work around the home. I like the yardwork, but my gaarge, which is actually this hugh building out back, the previous owner of the hous rebuilt forgin cars in it.

I store my life upthere it is the one area where everything gets dumped. I will clean it, I was thinking springtime?

No Dope, No Matter What.

Have a great weekend and ENJOY.

419 Kitty Mom { 10.30.10 at 1:19 pm }

Hey Y’all
It was a beautiful Florida day – the sky was bright blue all day and we opened the garage door and cleaned out the garage – Oh my God help me…what a mess it was…but now we are able to fit both vehicles in there after the trash man takes the ton of garbage we have on Tuesday. I feel really accomplished – put some stuff in the attic – some stuff in the shed out back and cleaned out a ton of stuff….not as much as I would like but alot anyway.
I told by husband he has to take me to cracker barrell to eat tonight cause I ain’t cookin!!!
Well, against my better judgement we are getting a kitten. A little girl and we named her Adah….we will get her next week.
Because……as Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young sang….
Our house, is a very very fine house
with two cats in the yard
Life used to be so hard
Now everything is easy
Cause of You
Can’t sing that song with just ONE CAT!!!!
Folks, I just am so elated to be clean – just for today
and I am just so elated that I get to share it here with you.
We have no fall colors here so STU, enjoy your midwestern fall colors for me, will ya? I miss the fall – our fall is just milder days, a little cooler, but no fall colors. Joe, I hate the words more tests also – but for today, I feel like I am not in any danger. The doctor could have taken a bunch of samples, but he only took one, and he said it was just for the record – that everything looked good, so I am not afraid any longer. I was when I went in there but not now.
I am now feeling natural pain again – with the pills I was mostly feeling withdrawal pain between doses – but you know what? The pain is not that bad. It kind of makes me feel alive instead of all doped up. I always exagerated the pain to the doctors anyway just to get the pills. That is in the past and I am here to tell you AGAIN that things are better on the other side of addiction…so don’t be afraid folks – you can do it – one day – one minute – one second at a time.
Love you all unconditionally.
Kitty Mom

PS – miss you metoo!

420 metoo { 10.30.10 at 4:43 pm }

Hey, thanks for missing me and for the nice comment, my peeps!!! I sure wish we could hear from Suzy and Lil Dove….please post, ladies, even if it’s just to say “hey”…lots of folks are out “here” praying for you~~I am sending prayers your way and good, good, good~good vibrations!!! It will all come together in God’s time.

Congrats on the new kitty, DDKM!! Loved the link to the song too! I’m so glad, KM, that you are happy, delighted, and so content in your recovery. You are the picture of what the good life is supposed to be. Inspirational, to say the very least. I am proud of you!!!
Hey, now, Mr. Joe!!! What do you buy your girls for treats?? Do you get things like candy bars, or lip gloss??? (Imagine Joe picking out lip gloss…lol!!) My favorite candy bar is the Skor bar..just in case you wanted to enjoy one of those for me!

Stuart!!!! I wish I could give you a big fat hug right now. I’m so glad that you didn’t get into trouble last weekend. I think if any of us would have the proof to believe in a higher power, it is you, my friend. God has saved your butt a lot of times~He hasn’t given up on you, and neither will I. Nope, I’m not budgin’. When the time is right for you, you will beat these addictions. People like you and me just need to find the right time, and the right mindset. But once we finally “get it”, we DO. And you will. You’re sharp. Please do me a favor though, and don’t be so hard on yourself in the meantime. Be thankful for the breaks you’ve been given, and offer your sufferings up as they occur. That is something that I realized~~WHAT IF~~During a detox…having the total and complete mindset of the last days of Christ’s life. Usually in my mind I start with the agony in the garden, when He asked for this cup to be taken from Him…and then releasing His power with the words, “Not My will but Yours be done.”

If we embraced our detoxes with this mindset, and suffered through it seeking a closer walk with Christ…He who suffered more than we can imagine. How much different might we each see it? I wonder this.

I really admire you all here. I sure wish we could have coffee. Well, I’d have a beer…lol…HEY! Have any of you tried “yerba mate”? It is soooo yummy, and it’s supposed to be great for you also! I love it!

Done rambling now. Be good to everyone, my peeps!!! Love you!!

421 Joe { 10.31.10 at 1:15 am }

Hey Now,

Speaking of treats, that what your folks posts were Awesome stuff.

Sunday Morning, so I’ll share some Love with you guys this morning.

I worked yesterday and then I went to this lecture on the unification of Catholics and Prodestants.

I am Irish Catholic and so well this subjuect as always been sensitive.

Anyway it was so Cool, the whole message was.

What can we learn from each other.

The point that hit home for me the most was this.

What do people want, what does man wish for, what do they seek.

Both side agreed it was Matter. People, Things, Nature.

That is what Man sees, touches, remembers.

First agreement, People are attracted by sight and emotion brought about by things.

OK so If God is being sought.

And if you believe He created you, for the purpose of willfully finding him.

But he knows that he can’t directly appear to you. He’s God, right. The ultimate power, The Ultimate glory, The Ultimate Joy. The Ultimate Love.

He knows a direct contact would be to much for the flesh, it would kill the very thing it created.

So he hides, in things. He let’s you glimpse his majesty, in things.
In People, In Places. Well in matter.

He is inside of the matter, the divinty within. The pure POWER of God is inside the things we touch, feel and experience everyday.

The Power of God is waiting for you, he knows you’ll find him.

Now of course he’s God, he could burst through matter and he has right, THE CROSS, CHRIST.

But, I believe most of the time he is hiding. Loving you, calling you.

I think it was CS Lewis or someone who said. It’s like we are all walking around in the dark, in room full of ghosts. We are scared, we cant see and then SOMETHING goes BOO!!!! And you Jump, your heart stops and well you realize it’s your Dad, and he turns on the light and He’s laughing and he hugs you and he loves you and your not scared anymore.

I know that for me, God knows me so dam well, that he hid, he hid right where he knew I’s look inside 2 wonderful. beautiful woman.

Ah God, you are so Awesome.

And has St. Augistine always said, I can not even begin to imagane the HELL i would be in, for it not the prayers of others.

So today my prayer goes out to the addict who still suffers, clean or not.

Love from one of Metoo’s peeps a.k.a Joe.

422 Joe { 10.31.10 at 1:34 am }

Oh Yeah I forgot,

My daughters top 5 treats,

Food Products.

1. Lays Flamin Hot Chips.

2. Cosmic Brownies (Little Debbie prduct)

Non-Pearshiable

3. LIP GLOSS–Oh yeah, I do it, I’m always picking up some gloss sister,MY LIP GLOSS BE POPPIN, AS THE KIDS SAY. Favorite flavors. bubble gum and strawberry.I swear to god they have more lip gloss than I have possesions.

4. Crazy Stringy Bands, these little rubber strands that are shaped like stuff that you wear, I guess by the hundreds around your wrists and ankles. (must be the orginal no knock-offs)

5. Any Teen magizine with a Justin Beiber, Miley Cyrus or Twilght character cover.

I shall try a Skoar bar for you today metto–It is Halloween, I might just give myself a treat. Little Skoar action.

Love

423 Kitty Mom { 10.31.10 at 7:26 pm }

I am so sorry folks but I just wrote a long post all about my day and my philosophy on Christianity and my love for each of you and I pushed the wrong button and it went away – so being that it is after 11:00 PM and I am OK but tired, I will catch up with you all tomorrow.
Love you guys unconditionally
Kitty Mom

424 Joe { 11.01.10 at 1:22 am }

Hey Now–

Happy Monday!!!!

Here is to a New Month. With much joy and inspiration, love and wisdom, health and satisfaction.

This month my goal is No Dope-No Matter what.

To bring Joy each and every day.

So to everyone who scrolls through this blog, and those who count on it for there daily bread,

God Bless. May he keep you safe. And touch your hearts.

I was scrolling through the threads this morning and saw some posts from folks, I missed when they were orginally Posted.

Dee- Welcome, I hope your still around, I’m really sorry I did not responmd earlier, I missed your post. If you have figured out how to post again, please share.

Suzy-relaps–You still around, please post.

My great friends, who have swooshed into my life to hepl carry me along. Thank you so much.

In honor of All Saints Day here are some thoughts I hope bring a smile to your face and some Joy.

For Metoo-Man, your passion, your beauty, your love, your insight, your thoughts, your hope, your inspiration, your smile, your words..I can never get enough. You are a saint.

You know something struck me the other day, and I have been keeping this to myself, Metoo, I have always assumed your a woman, but I’m not sure you ever said it. To be honest that’s what I was scrolling through threads for. Oh yeah, I’m alittle nuts. Not that it would matter, but it would kinda change my descriptive adjectives. On second thougt, i guess it would matter, to me anyway, This is my round about way of asking-Metoo you are a woman, right? I mean it isn’t imperative you answer that, the anninomity(sp) makes this place so free. So I’m not prying or you are not compelled to answer that. Just a thought I had, I wasn’t sure I should even ask it. But I was like why did you assume from the very first post Metoo was a woman, the answer was, because I wanted her to be, selfish I know.please forgive me.

For Kitty-Your warmth, your caring, your intellect, your energy, your dedication, your easy way, your truth, your compassion, your joy..and the fact that you can stay up past 11, well your a Saint. ow I’m pretty sure your a woman, seeing as you have mentioned a daughter a husband, I think one of your posts described a woman’s issue. So I’m thinking yeah your a woman, right?

For Stu–For your experience, your effort, your fatherhood, your trials, your accomplishments, your strength, your wisdom, your caring, your concern-you also brother are a saint. I know your a dude, gotta be.

Anyway, just showing alittle mre of my insane thought process

For Adam–who provides the space–no doubt a saint.

For every person wanting to stop pills-there is a way out.

Like Springsteen says and I agree…….

This trains filled with Saints and Sinners
AND FAITH WILL BE REWARDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, no matter your gender.
Joe

Keeping the faith one more day.

425 metoo { 11.01.10 at 6:23 am }

Hee hee!! I LOVE IT!!! Yes, Joe, I’m a female! :D

426 Stu { 11.01.10 at 9:51 am }

Glad you’re a woman metoo.

Had a great weekend.

I am a man.

Have a great week all.

427 metoo { 11.01.10 at 10:38 am }

Hey, Joe, how was that Skor candy bar???
I’m glad you had a great weekend, Stuart!!!! AND, I’m glad you’re a man!! :)
Where’s lil dove???
Where’s Suzy???
:(

428 Kitty Mom { 11.01.10 at 3:33 pm }

Hey Y’all
As they say is Pittsburgh – are yinz coming over for pie and coffee.
Since it is monday (and happy Monday) I will start out saying today I am 51 days clean….Thanks to our forgiving and loving God…and my friends right here….I celebrate this day with high hopes.
Joe you are a hoot! Yes, I am a woman – otherwise I would be named Kitty Dad…haha. You are right – I don’t think Me-too ever did alude to being a woman but I certainly did not think she was anything but this whole time..haha. Funny how you just know sometimes….
It was a busy weekend – we cleaned out the garage on Saturday and can actually put a car in there after we get rid of the trash tomorrow – some stuff went to the attic – some to the shed out back, and loads of stuff got thrown away…mostly my stuff cause the pack rat does not throw anything away !!!! This is all stuff I had written last night but I lost it all.
Joe – What I think about Christianity regardless of denominaton, in a nutshell is that God sent us his Son who suffered and died so that we can have eternal life. That probably is an over simplification but that one sentence proleferates how much he loves us unconditionally no matter what we do or say or no matter if we make mistakes. – as long as we have taken Him into our hearts as our Savior and believe in him as such. Now I am not saying that it is OK to go out and blatenty do wrong, but I believe that God loves us – otherwise why would be have let his Son suffer so that we could join him someday in Heaven. And, Jesus did not preach in the temple – he preached am0ng the people sometimes among thieves and protitutes because they are who needed him the most. Even though I think a relationship with God is a very personal relationship, I also think prayers are answered by proxy through others praying with you and for you – that is why I am so elated to hear my friends on here so filled with the Holy Spirit and willing to share in conversation about the Lord and share in prayer. That is a wonderful example of being filled with Christ no matter that you, Joe, are an Irish Catholic or I am a Anglo-Saxon Protestant. We are all prayer and bible warriors out to slay the dragons – the pill dragons – the depression dragons – the alcohol dragons – the daily life dragons. oh oh I am rambling again. I am just saying, we all are different but we are all the same – we all strive for a loving family life, a loving God, food, shelter, the basics – and yes material stuff sometimes too. And, I think God is OK with that as long as we are not greedy, boastfull, or selfish about it and it is for our own mundane pleasure and not to brag or boast about it.
About stuff – I have never been interested in having stuff to look better than the neighbors or whatever – I just like to collect stuff for me. I hope that is not wrong…but I don’t think it is.
Just smack me down if you get sick of all this idle chatter….!!!
Metoo – I know there is a lot going on with you right now, but I pray that you will remain here with us and keep us satisfied that you are all right…send me kitty mail if you are so inclined.
Stu – I have a need to hear more from you also. Seems like Joe and I are the chatty ones on here of late. Love to hear from you too and glad to hear that you and Joe are guys….
One more thing that I am excited about – we are going to have a cold spell this weekend and it may go down to the low 50′s….Oh how I yearn for some cool crisp weather!
Hope to hear from each and every one of you tomrrow and please anyone new out there that is just lurking right now and afraid to write – please do. I really welcome newbies on here and hope you one-timers check back soon so that I know how you are doing. Love abounds here
Love to the core 4 and more unconditionally
DD Kitty “MOM” not “DAD”

429 Joe { 11.02.10 at 1:39 am }

Hey Now,

You guys rock, man. Thanks METOO and STU and KITTY.

I mean I understand this here is the internet and it means diferent things to different people.

For me, I am living in an area of the counrty, well I’m not real fond of, I am a liberal Northeastern, living in the heart of a Red state.

In a town that is oh shall we say stuck somewhere around 1958.

I have sttled here, I moved like 4 times from 90-01.

I may have 1 more move in me, when I downsize when the kids move on.

So I don’t have friends in town, I disdain the church folk,, I disdain the racist, the biggot. They just aren’t my breed. Everyone else uses, and I really hate the way it makes me feel to sit in a driveway while every gets hammered and stoned and pilled out.

I have no adult connection in my home.

So I have this place.

It means everything to me.

I get my needs met here daily.

I know for some this is a blog, and they have rich full lives and they pop in and split, that’s cool.

I however, hang here.

And i know it is total self centerness that I have come to reley on you guys to meet those needs. God to be vulnerable.

I Love God, I am beginning to grow in the Spirit. I have no idea if this place blocks me from stepping out into the real world, or if this is my real world.

All I can go by is the fruit, right. And this tree is providing me with so many gifts.

So I come back.

Anyway, I like Kitty seem to ramble, it just I got so much in my mind, I gotta let it out.

I know, I need to Listen more. I’m doing that..

Kitty Thanks so much for a view into you spiritual belief. I welcomed it like a Texas cold front. Needed. I hope you get to put on a sweater. Nothing would enthrall me more than to discuss a Book of the bible with you in great detail. To go through it, a verse at a time, to reflect, to learn, to grow. To share. I’m sure this probably isn’t the forum for that. Maybe we can come up with something. Has the holidays approach, and work gets hectic, and plans get hectic. It would keep me so focused on God. I’m not sure of the logistics of setting up a little board for bible talk. Man would I love that.

This friendship gets more intriguing every day man. First I meet you, I figure your pretty much my biggest fear, Successful, Attractive, Professional, Same age group as me, white female. Every bit of shame, guilt and self hatred has ALWAYS kept me from a relationship with someone as special as you. I could only dream about it. But yet, here you are, engaging me daily. My fear is still oh so real. I still feel so out of your leauge (lack of a better term).
And this is all in my Head, because the fact is you have been a shinning star of love and Hope.
Now I come to read your a Protestant, even more interesting, wouldn’t you say.
God, I am searhing, seeking and conversing with a White Proffesional Protestant. This is a BREAKTHROUGH. One by one my sterotypes keep falling. Next thing you’ll tell me is you occassionaly let your hair down and enjoy life.

You know when I was small. from like 3-7 or 8 my dad had a job in Pittsburgh, we Lived in Upper St. Clair. My memories are of course very, very vauge. I do remember the Pirates, The Steelers, My Church, My front yard and Franco’s catch. It was the early 70′s. late 60′s.

Metoo- I did indeed pertake in the Skor, what is not to like about sweet toffee taste, in a delightful milk choclate. I savored the experience. It’s a great bar. Not a straight Hershey bar. My all time favorite. I never understood, why dilute the taste of the pure chocolate. While the toffee did have a certian zeal, I must agree. Anyway..I hope your cool. See Metoo, and I share this with all truth and Honesty. Your simple posts and incrdeible way, exceed my wildest callings of the spirt and mind. You have touched my soul, my heart, my mind. Kinda hard for me to describe, like a dream come true, or a fnatasy made real. I mean I figured there was people llike you in the sorld, I had just never met one. Ok so I am approaching the wiredo line here, amyway..I could never thank you enough.You have turned the most challenging time in my life into a joy filled ride.

Speaking of Hershey, I went there every summer. Hershey Park. Love the place, God I love chocalate.

Stu–drop some serious recovery strategey on me Bro, I am afloat out here.

OK, my post now for the next few days will be brief. I am choosing this to see if I can stop this inssent rambling.

Joe

430 Stu { 11.02.10 at 6:07 am }

KittyMom I like your post about Christ. For the record, I think it’s fine you are talking about God.

Joe, your rambling is fine. Thanks for sharing some of your life. The description you give of your town sounds like something out of “The Last Picture Show” (an awesome book by the way).

I prayed and meditated lately on how God has watched over me, especially the last year. Sunday night was an important evening for me. I took care of some “unfinished business” with a friend of mine. It was very emotional. I went back out that night. No pills or booze since. I think there was closure on something that needed it bad.

I am going to have to give up my pot experiment/maintenance plan. I got some pot that is so good it makes me super depressed and paranoid (not to mention Alzheimer’s stupid). What a great combination for a guy that suffers from depression anyway! My RHR was 100 at a stop light yesterday. Normal is around 60.

Thank God some of the external stuff in my life is getting toned down. I do feel much calmer and of sorts today.

Let’ see. My recovery thought for the day is a combo, “This too shall pass” and “Live and let live”. I am trying to take care of my own recovery and let God handle other peoples.

Bye for now.

431 metoo { 11.02.10 at 6:55 am }

KittyMOM, LMAO!!!! Your post had me giggling!! So I said out loud, “Double Dippin’ Kitty got off the ride…” and then I giggled some more!!!

So, within a month’s time, my life will be completely changed. I am selling my business and moving away from the area I’ve lived in for 46 years. Starting over. Clean canvas, brand new color palette. Does anyone have any advice, or things I should keep in mind during this transition??

I know that this move is what God wants me to do. I am afraid, but I am trying to face that fear head on, and JUST DO IT. Kicking the vicodin was one way of proving to myself that I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to. I didn’t want to take an addiction with me. Ok, so I’ve kicked that, and now I feel as though I am ready. I’m still frightened though. Is this me?? Can I do this?? Where will I work? How will I feel?? The questions are endless and bring with them some anxiety, although the anxiety is lessening every day that I move closer to my relocation. I need to treat this as a great adventure~isn’t that what life truly is~and a brand new chapter in the book of the life of Metoo.

I am truly praying that the friends I have made here will make this transition with me…you are with me (just like God) no matter where I go. You kids dwell in my heart….

Joe, I adore your rambling!! If your posts are brief over the next few days, I’m gonna be really really pissed. :)

432 Kitty Mom { 11.02.10 at 1:38 pm }

Hey everyone – I will try to make it short today since the last few posts have been long. …and Joe don’t make yours short cause I enjoy every word and would feeol cheated if you wrote just a little.
Metoo – I am very happy for you that you have made the big decision to move on in your life to your real purpose. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. You have been a real inspiration to me and everyone else on this site for some time and now you need to take care of yourself – take care of Metoo – make the move, be happy and who you are meant to be. I would like it also if you would keepo in touch by E-mail (kitty-mail) if you are confortable with that.
Joe, I would really like to study the bible more – I am kind of lax in that and I know there is alot to learn. That is an area of my life that needs work.
Stu – buddy, I hope you do take care of your own self and do not worry about other people….it is kind of depressing even on here at times when you see people struggling and you don’t have the right words to respond.
I gotta go folks – got to pick up my new kitten tonight – I might write some more later or I might give you all a break for a change.
Love you guys and talk later
Kitty Mom no longer dd

433 metoo { 11.02.10 at 7:14 pm }

Kitty Mom…your words of encouragement mean much more to me than I can ever even express!! Thank you for being such a “constant” for not only myself, but for all of us here. I treasure who you are. How many days clean now?? I think it’s 53 tomorrow?? Damn! I hope you never stop celebrating the reduction!!~~~A.K.A. no more DD!!! :D hee hee…couldn’t resist that one!!! But really, thanks for having my back. You are a true friend. I am thankful.
Mornin’, Joe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would like to try to remember one of my Roman Catholic prayers for you…this prayer was tacked just above the kitchen sink in our family home as I was growing up…and as I was thinking about leaving a “treat” for you to start your day, the “Morning Offering” came to mind. I’m sure you are familiar with it, and I will try to remember just how it goes…but I love it still…

Morning Offering
Oh, Jesus, through the Immaculate Heart of Mary,
I offer you all the works, joys, and sufferings of this day.
For all the intentions of Thy Sacred Heart,
In union with the holy sacrifice of the Mass throughout the world,
in reparation for my sins, for the intentions of all our associates, and in particular…..(insert prayer here….)
FOR A GREAT DAY FOR OUR JOE…

Every once in awhile, someone comes along and touches your life. When that happens, don’t forget to say thank you….
THANK YOU JOE!!! THANK YOU KITTYMOM!!!! THANK YOU STU!!!!!! THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO IS READING THIS. We are all ripples in the water of life….let’s make a difference.
Starting today. Right now. I’m in. You??

434 Joe { 11.03.10 at 1:26 am }

Ok.

Screw it, I’m posting away, Or better yet I’ll allow the Holy Spirit to flow through me.

It is only in giving it away, that we keep it.

Metoo–A morning treat, Yowza. To think A guy travels the wrong road of self indulgence, addiction, punishment, shame and guilt and through no action on his part, is touched by GOD, called and comforted. I mean how can you not totally love a God, that sees past the bullshit our lives had become and looks directly at your heart and proclaims. COME FOLLOW ME.

Then you begin to FOLLOW, you have no clue what your doing, maybe you cling to some dogma or past. And slowly, things change, maybe your whole life gets turned upside down, maybe you just look at you life the way it is differently.

How shall I describe the Kingdom of God, It is like a speck of yeast the leavens the whole loaf. Or a mustard seed that grows and all the birds of the air find shade in its branches.

To wake up and have your “Dreamgirl” that’s my new nickname for you METOO-(now that i believe you to be a woman) LOL. Leave you a prayer and a wish. OH PRECIOUS GOD. YOU ARE AMAZING ALL GLORY IS YOURS.

Give up my place of heaven right here on earth for a PILL. Not today, sister.

Hey, as far as the move goes. CONGRATULATIONS.

another verse. if I might.

WE HAVE BEEN SET FREE, FOR FREEDOM’S SAKE.

You are free girl, free to shine, free to grow, free to BREATH again.

Some brief moving tips.

One take your time, Moving with a outline or a plan and a timeline is a hell of alot easier on the mind then oh, packing the uhaul in the middle of the night.

Two- ask for help, God is waiting to guide you. He has already gone before you, once he relaized you were Following.

And most importantly (for me) GET INTERNET SERVICE,

I had a buddy that moved form Denver, To San Fransico last year. He bloged his move daily, every post was hilarious. The Move. we called it. He blogged packing up, hitting the road, diving out west, arriving, Finding a hotel, living in the hotel, looking for house, looking for a job. It was the funniest, coolest blog of 09.

It took all the bullshit and made it funny, cable guy was late, first rental home fell through. The stuff, that makes us cringe is just stuff when we share with friends.

Kitty-the toned down Kitty will not work girl, post away. Trust me you will feel better, I do. I am researching our Bible Blog space board meeting room whatever, I hope it is up and runnign soon, and I oray you will join me, cause has you know I need You. And I have no shame or ego in admitting that,

Stu–One minute, One day, One second. I mean I had to give up all the old thoughts about getting clean that well intended people had fed me over the years. And just say, this time it’s for me. God has called me again, I have answered, Look God knows me. That much I know is true. He knows I love the ladies, the fun of life, the joy of nature, the scaredness of each person. He knows I care, He knows I’m a guy. He knows I have a bunch of Love to share. So I share it. What he has advised me is that anytime I am selfish, or dishonest. I hurt myself and others. So today I’m honest and most of the self seeking, self centerness is gone away,

Like Paul said, Work out your salvation. Stop the grumbling and the questioning. Look brother, you have been called repeatedly.

Why, because your awesome, that’s why. Now take that fake knife out of your back, quitt beating the same tired old lie, And Be you, man. Drug and Booze free. Do what you Love man, remember God creates both the work and the desire. You created the desire for booze and dope, just like me. Because somewhere we thought our natural desires where wrong.
We bought the lie, became depedent and didn’t want to let go.
You can drop that blankie and BE YOU.

This is Joe, maybe you can relate. Oh and by the way I’m drug and booze free. In Love with Christ and praise him every morning.

I Love My Kids
I Love Sports
I Love the Bible
I Love Woman
I Love Technology
I Love Nature
I Love Having fun and Laughing
I Love Music
I Love INFORMATION
I Love debate
I Love Woman( oh did I mention that) But aren’t they so INCREDIBLE.
I Love work
I love competion
I love The Hunt
I Love Fantasy and Imagination
I Love Writing
I Love Praying.

Here is what I discovered over the past 1 and 1/2 years.

Dope takes away everyone of the items mentioned on my list.

God Provides me THE BEST of each and every item on my list

Why, Because God is Love.

I am here to BREAK the MYTH, that God is some kind of Buzzkill. In fact HIS LOVE IS THE GREATEST HIGH OF ALL, AND IT NEVER, EVER RUNS OUT.

Short and sweet, huh guys.

Love, Love and more Love.

435 Stu { 11.03.10 at 10:12 am }

Joe – man you would not believe how much I appreciate your post and encouragement. It has been a real tough few weeks. I know there is life after drugs and alcohol and it really helps to hear some optimistic testimony from somebody that’s been there.

Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

I believe I may have worn my AA sponsor out so maybe I can use you. Hopefully I will get sober soon and not be dead weight here.

I just got back from the hospital visiting a buddy that’s dying of cirrhosis. He is on a transplant list and started bleeding out last night internally. Right now they can’t find the leak, so he’s just laying there dying. He looks like it isn’t far now. It was so sad.

Funny thing is over the last fifteen years or so I always looked up to the guy and thought, “man I wish I could drink like him”. He was a two fisted partier, successful business man, seemed to have it all together. He was also fun as shit to party with. A real good guy

He’s the exact same age as me, within a few days as a matter of fact.

I saw his wife up there, crying. I cried a bit too.

It’s not pretty dying of this disease. Either by one’s own hand, violently in wreck, or slowly in a hospital bed. Life is so precious. This will be my second buddy to die within a couple of years of a bleed out or liver failure. I am not far behind if I don’t stop.

But hey, here there’s hope and optimism right guys. God almighty help us stay sober.

My thought during meditation this morning was that God has in fact blessed me and FOR SURE watched over me. He may be getting a little pissed though, so I better get my act together. Not that my vision of God is an angry one, but hey He can only take so much.

It’s about as pretty as it gets here in Missouri. What more can a guy ask for.

Love and happiness core4. Or I thought of this monikor, the “about junkies”. It may be a little more “inclusive”. AJ for short. Not to be confused with Anthony Soprano’s son.

436 Kitty Mom { 11.03.10 at 2:20 pm }

Hey my Core 4 – This is fantastic and I live for days like this where I come to this board and see all three of your shining faces on here. You are all an inpiration to me to take just one more day to stay pill free and to honor God and friendship and life and love.
Why has God sent me to this particular board for help – I believe it was to meet you guys.
So I guess I am out numbered by Roman Catholics on here now (LOL) but that is OK – cause we are all talking about and praying to the same God here – a kind, wonderful God who answers prayers in strange ways some times and in his own good time sometimes. So Stu, keep praying, and when the time is right he will reach down and take you by the hand and you will put your trust in Him and he will believe in you and releave your burden. I know cause it happened to me….and Joe…and Metoo. All of us are testamony that God works miracles, one day at a time for most of us.
Love You!!!!
Joe, I love how you put us women on a pedestool – that is what it feels like anyway. You are very kind for that and I hope I meet your every expectation. Metoo – I do have your back and if anyone dares to put you down, they will have to contend with DD kitty mom big time. You deserve the best and soon you will have it and your wildest dreams will be realized. You will do fine – moving is always stressful but in the long run it will be over and you will be settled and happier than you have ever been.
On a personal note, I am the Mom of a brand new kitten but it did not turn out like planned. We went to pick her up, brought her home and was calling her by her girl given name and saying “little girl” this and “little girl that” and low and behold I picked up that little tail of “hers” and wtf – she had balls!!! OMG – had to regroup then and come up with a boy nane real fast. So “her” name is Clyde…LMAO!
Cute little guy but I can’t get anything done cause all he wants to do is nuzzle on me…haha. The empty nester now has a new baby boy!!
Yeah Stu this is AJ – some recovering, some wanting to – and been there done that friends!
Well gotta go and pull together some chow….Love you guys and girl!!!
Kitty gone wild!

437 Joe { 11.04.10 at 2:21 am }

OK,

What an incredibly weird morning here at the Blog. I have not once but twice attempted the usual indepth look at Joe. And twice right at the end of the dam novels…WHOOSH, gone.

So here it is in oh about 100 words.

First–KITTY ALL TIME GREAT POST, WITH AN ALL TIME GREAT LINE. “KITTY GONE WILD”–Love it.

Let me quickly and to the point address 2 things. Sorry for the directness, my fingers are hurting from all the typing.

FIRST, AND THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING I CAN SAY TO YOU THIS MORNING KITTY, YOU NEED NOT EVER WORRY ABOUT MEETING MY EXPECTIONS, ABOUT ANYTHING. SEE, THE MINUTE YOU LOG ON, YOU HAVE SHATTERED THEM.

Ok, by that I hope this next bit will explain it.

I have been doing some real deep emotional work.

I am an addict, you see, and so if I don’t so this work, if I don’t grow. I die. Simple right.

Anyway, throught this work, it has been revealed to me.

The single biggest, deepest, scariest, thing about me.

It is, that deep in my being lies an emptiness, a lonliness, It is so deep and so powerful this lonliness, that it leads me back to dope everytime.

So it has taken me 30 years to identify and another year and 1/2 to address.

I now know what I lack, what I have never had. What I desire.

COMPAINIONSHIP.

The thing is, I am not even sure what it is.

I know this, BOTH YOU KITTY AND METTOO, BY ALLOWING ME THE HONOR OF CHATTING WITH YOU, THIS VOID, GOES AWAY. OF COURSE , NIETHER OF YOU IS UNDER ANY TYPE OF OBLIGATION TO SATISFY THIS VOID.

Nor would I ever expect, you guys to be.

Now If, for whatever reason you feel as though there is some small type of reciprocity, in engaing me. AWESOME. If however, I am making either if you the least bit UNCOMFORTABLE. MAY GOD PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

I say this from the bottom of my heart, If I am not helping in any fashion, if my DESIRE FOR COMAPIONSHIP, makes you worried Again I am so deeply sorry.

I KNOW THIS IS MY ISSUE. it is my responsiblity, to find healthy fulfilling , desireful adult COMAPIONSHIP, IF I WISH TO REMAIN DRUG FREE.

I know I am jsut learning how to do this.

I know I am 45 years old, and have never experienced it.

I have no idea what IT even entails, I am stumbling along here.

I JUST NO THAT IT IS THROUGH THESE FREINSHIPS, THAT I DON;T USE DOPE, AND NOW MORE IMPORTANTLY I GROW.

So yes, I do keep Woman in a VERY SPECIAL PLACE OF HONOR.

I KNOW FOR ME, ONLY GOD CAN BE TRUSTED WITH MY CONFIDENCE, AND IT IS IN HIM I PLACE IT.

But for now anyway, I reside hear on earth, in a body filled with emotions, and desires and fears and wnats and needs,

And I know when your an addict like me, I either find a new way or I go back to the old way of adressing thos things

so just for today–I will keep on this path, I pray for all of you.

Stu-your up tomorrow, I am now completely wiped out.

Love

438 metoo { 11.04.10 at 5:58 am }

That makes sense to me, Joe…maybe I have that inner void also….you might be on to something here. I know it’s true for you~~as I have seen you walking this path pretty much alone for the first year~~there are two reasons I joined you: First, I joined because I wanted to be more like you~you have a power of attraction, even in your separateness. Second, I needed someone to walk with also: I, like you, am alone….that is why this change in my life is so ODD….and so necessary. I don’t want to be alone any longer. I have a lover waiting for me who wishes to inhabit my heart, and my soul…and she is the most beautiful creature God has ever created. She and I have endured 4 years of a long distance relationship (and we looked good doing it too), and the time has come to eliminate the distance, the space, the cell phones. I won’t be alone much longer. And yet, that is an adjustment too. In my marriage of 20 years, I was totally alone 90% of the time. I was a possession. I was a housekeeper (but I think I looked going doing that too…lmao). I was a cook and a baker. But I was not loved. I was not cared for on the level that my soul needed to be cared for. I worshiped alone, until that finally went away too, and I sought out God in the quiet of my “space”. He has never left my side. He is guiding me and I am following. I am going to be the person He meant for me to be. No one chooses this life~just in case anyone wonders. Who would? Some of us learn later on, though, after we let society dictate to us what is acceptable. When we let God tell us that LOVE is all that is acceptable we have made great strides.

Joe, we were not meant to live in solitude. Not meant to be closed off. And, leave it to Kitty Gone Wild and Metoo to get under your skin!! You are no longer alone, my friend!!!

Keep typing, Joe…it’s just gettin’ good!! Hahahaha!!! STUART!! We need another man in here to even things out! :D
Love you guys…

439 Stu { 11.04.10 at 7:56 am }

Metoo you are an inspiration. Great post. I am envious of your leap of faith and love for your girlfriend. My life has quite a few emotional parallels with how you describe your marriage.

Mine degenerated into contempt by my wife no matter what my behavior, good or bad. (She is clinically depressed). I gravitated towards being bad since I got shit no matter which way I went. (I used to be mostly good). Smack me no matter what I do, and I am pretty much going to do whatever the f*** I want. That’s what I have done for the last year.

The hydrocodone was a sure way out, however temporary. I can not describe or over emphasize how frustrating my life had become over the last several years. I have pretty much been put in the “bad guy” role, no matter the fact I pay all the bills, cook, clean , hire a maid and do other husbandly duties faithfully and true. I don’t want to sound like a bitch, but home life has been rough.

I realize that I am in a depressive state right now myself and things look much worse than they really are.

The most important thing in my life is to stay sober. The other stuff will work itself out in God’s time.

My buddy in the hospital with cirrhosis is in fact dying. They called the family in yesterday afternoon. That could be me so easy. I have never seenso many bags hanging from a pole into a guy. It was really spooky and sad going in there yesterday.

At least I am here today and glad to be alive.

440 metoo { 11.04.10 at 9:09 am }

Yes, Stu, I agree that the hydro was the sure way out for awhile. For me, it filled it’s purpose~it helped me to make it through each day until I could get the feeling back in my spine and get my crap together and get out of that house. It gave me light…false light, yes, but it helped me keep my head above water while I located my real fins. Now, with fins attached, I am swimming. I am going to make it. Not only am I going to make it, but I am going to become whom my creator meant for me to be. And if I can help anyone else who is trying to swim free, that’s what I will do.

I believe in love. If I had even 10% love left for my husband, I would have turned around long ago. (I left home about 5 DAYS before Joe took his last pill, ironically!) My husband still wants me back. He is a soul who never walked with another also. I hope he finds his soul mate and is no longer alone. It’s just that I am not the one to assist him….I tried.

I’m sorry about your friend, Stu. If you happen to get any time with him alone, I think you should ask him to be your “sponsor” in Heaven, guiding you from above…then again, I’m sappy like that, and I believe in angels…..

441 Kitty Mom { 11.04.10 at 1:47 pm }

Hey everyone – Joe sorry you lost your posts but the one remaining was awesome! Loneliness is a weird emotion –
sometimes I can be lonely in a room full of people – I believe that is one of the things that led me to taking pills – it was an escape into my own little world where I could carry on with people and feel numb at the same time. God bless you guys today for really opening up on here – Metoo, I am so very proud of you for realizing who you are and doing something about it, You just better remain friends that is all I have to say. Joe – you are awesome for remaining dope free for a year and a half and if I can help you remain dope free by coming on here every day than I am thrilled to do that. You are so deep and spiritual and don’t give yourself credit for being a phenominal human being. I guess I never really realized that the pills do fill a loneliless or a void in my life. I am getting over that little by little, but I wonder if it isn’t totally that I found this place, this private coffee house, this Starbucks for addicts to come and share, that I would not be in such a good place. Stu, I here you – Sometimes us wives get in a rut where we only remember the bad things that a husband does – and then there is a point of no return where we can’t find our way back. I am sorry for your situation and may the love of God find a way out of it or fix it somehow. Depression is a teriible thing that we can’t help sometimes. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers. I have a story to tell you about what happenned between my husband and myself three years ago and one of these days I will lay it on you….I am not ready quite yet. Metoo Metoo Metoo – what a revelation your post was today…you are Awwsome – you are brave – you will be happy. Hope it does not take to long to get things moving along.
I have to mention this guys – a thomas recipe post said we do not respond to new folks in the way that we should…but I really try to include something in my messages about and for new posters – there just has not been any lately and depending on the order that we post – all I see are the latest posts listed and there are no newbies. So, I will try to be more faithful at including new folks on here even though

442 Kitty Mom { 11.04.10 at 1:51 pm }

Oh shit – it happenned again….what I was saying was that I think we are talking to new folks – just hasn’t been any.
My dear friends – got to go check on two ball clyde – he is carrying on in the other room.
Until tomorrow
Kitty-go-lightly

443 metoo { 11.04.10 at 2:57 pm }

LMAO!!! Two ball Clyde!! TBC!!! He’s NUTS!!!! Hahaha.

Reminds me of one of my favorite Waylon Jennings songs….”Clyde” Love that song!!! Does anyone besides me know it???? I’m bettin’ not….It’s right up there with “Wurlitzer Prize…” Love that one too….

444 metoo { 11.04.10 at 3:13 pm }

Ok…so I was on youtube, OBVIOUSLY…and I found this song too. Cab Driver is a song that my Dad and I used to dance to. I miss him more than anything, and I would give my life to be able to dance with that man just once more. I will only see him again in Heaven now, as he died in 2005.
So, if you will, give this a listen to, and send a prayer up to Heaven saying hello to him for me!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3xMieR36-W0

445 Joe { 11.05.10 at 12:52 am }

Ok Baby,

One more time around the block.

Heck, I grew up in NE Pa. I go to the Jersey shore 1 week every summer so I can sit out in my favorite 6os retro motel, people watch and here songs just like this. In fact I hear Cab Driver every day. Love it. Mills Bros. Yes.

My old man was more this way. Right out of an episode of Mad Men.

To this Day this son ranks in my top 5.

My hero, My Idol, The Man…..

Sinatra

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OId8ByO4jg

Hey this week has been deep my brothers and sister. Real Deep, Real healthy, Real growth, Real Bonding, Praise God.

Man I love the Kingdom. It’s so freaking rich.

Today, I am coming out of the deep. I’m gonna reap the rewards of the work. I’m gonna have a BLAST.

No soul searching, reason uncovering, morbidly serious crap.

Naw, today I’m gonna be a guy, I’m gonna talk trash, enjoy the ladies, the cool air, my kids, some sports, and a big old Pizza.

Ain’t No party Like a Joe party……

You are all invited.

Hey, all work and no play makes Joe take some dope.

So put on something comfortable ladies. It’s Party time

Stu, dust yourself off Bro…We are gonna play.

Now, everyone smile.

God is with you, spread the love.

Peace

446 Metoo { 11.05.10 at 5:01 am }

I love Frank!!! I once had a little husky dog that I just HAD to name “Frank” because she had blue eyes!!!!! Frank is great cooking and baking music too…

But, I am going to up the party ante with this gem….Dean is my true guy…I was married to him in another life, you know….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crFQpOCDfEc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXTxOpIb20k

So, let us party on!

447 Stu { 11.05.10 at 6:28 am }

What two great songs. I did say a prayer and groove on Cab Driver. Joe, what a song, That’s life. “Get back in the race”

It’s marathon weekend. I did not think it would end up this way but here goes. I am still a little week from some kind of flu and my “bad” behavior a couple of times. It should be fun if it doesn’t kill me. The weather is supposed to be perfect, end up at about 65.

Metoo, about angels. My buddy was unconscious so I didn’t get a chance to talk to him. Funny you mentioned it though. My business partner died of a heart attack about ten years ago. A couple of days before he died, out of the blue, he told me if anything ever happened to him he would come back and help me in any way he could.

He was a close friend and confidant.

The next five or so years were the best in my career by far, personally things were going very well too. I wonder sometimes if he didn’t pull some strings, or push me toward opportunities.

Kittymom, I’d be interested, but discretion would sure be understood. Just the vibe, the empathy and possibly understanding is cool.

Things are not so bad really. I told my wife that what I wanted for my birthday was for her to act like a loving wife. She kissed me and gave it a try. Sometimes all us guys really need is a good actress.

Let’s party Joe. I agree with the sentiment. Light hearted weekend on tap. Thanks for the nod.

448 metoo { 11.05.10 at 8:05 am }

Joe, how about another morning treat??? Ok…two of them, if you can handle it!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mypGjDV6XaI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTDsA76wkSg

Love it…and I love you guys. New and old. If you’re reading this and feeling the urge, please post and join us on this walk. You are more than welcome here! Southernmom, if you are still here, jump over to this thread! You are more than welcome here also!! I have not let up on my prayers for you~~and I might not ever.

449 Joe { 11.06.10 at 12:59 am }

Morning Campers….

Enjoying my week-end here in the great state. Taking it easy, working . I need not worry about life. Really. It’s gonna be alright.

I heard this one a long time ago, it makes more sense everyday.

If you WORRY, why pray?

And if you Pray, why WORRY?

Hope all is well, Let’s keep this party rolling–Tell somebody you LOVE them today.

Peace

450 Kitty Mom { 11.06.10 at 5:08 am }

Hey y’all – Happy Saturday and a cool ine at that. Too cold even for coffee on the porch Joe. I feel bad cause I missed posting for the first day in 55 days – but I fell asleep on the couch with “Clyde” and woke up at 1:00 am too tired to get into cyberspace! Sorry I missed you party Joe and I wanted extra cheese pizza. Had to go to the rehab center to visit my F-I=L. What a trip he is….still not ready to throw in the towel, he is going to look for a doctor that makes him feel better even it means going to the MAYO clinic. Bless his heart.
We have tickets to go to a show at the Elks club tonight compliments of the in-laws cause they can’t make it…should be fun!
Me=too thinking of you and your dad dancing as I watch the movie Hope Floats. I believe in angels to and I am sure he has your back. Thanks for the music folks – loved both the olde time country and the sinatra. Please someone tell me how to put a link on here – I kept trying but I coulde only copy the address over without the link capability.
You know guys – I am so happy that it is the weekend and that i am looking forward to things – anything – without the support of opie pills. That is really success as far as I am concerned and I pray just another person will come on here and start the journey with us.
Stu, happy birthday brother! My birthday is in November also.
Go Scorpio’s!
Hope all of you have a love filled weekend and do something fun. Good luck on your run today Stu. Enjoy the fall crisp air.
Joe – I like your saying – I learned in one of the several therapoy sessions I had in my life that worry is a waster emotion cause it does noy cause anything to change one way or the other.
Much love to each of you for a terrific (drug aned alcohol free) weekend. Gotta go – two ball is hanging on my leg and needs fed!
Love you all unconditionally
Kitty-go-round

451 Stu { 11.06.10 at 5:10 am }

Happy weekend everybody.

Resting up for tomorrow.

I read somewhere on the internet “Take your quit seriously”. I do like that line. It’s priorities man.

Yesterday a fog lifted in my head depression wise. I took some pills last weekend, so that would make sense, day five was yesterday. It’s palpable. I feel much better.

Weekends have always been tough for me, especially with the booze (which tends to lead me back to the pills).

No more sedatives.

Have a great rest of the weekend guys.

452 Metoo { 11.06.10 at 11:42 am }

Hiya kids!!
Well, it’s Saturday! I’ve got clothes in the washer, clothes in the dryer, bleach in the toilet, and a great day in the works!!

Kitty Mom, it’s just a matter of copy n paste from the browser. It would be fun to get yours and Stu’s input on the music scene for our party weekend!!! When the old country comes on, you’ll know it’s my quarter in the jukebox!! :) Amazing that you should mention the Hope Floats movie….I bawl every time I see that lucky girl dancing with her dad. I was that lucky girl once, and I know that one of the first things I want to do when I get to Heaven is grab Dad and head to the dance floor…..Sunday afternoons used to be the time when Mom and Dad would come over and we’d have some beers and talk and talk and sometimes we would dance. When Mom and Dad died, my world pretty much fell apart. It’s the same old story, I know, but my parents were really like my best friends. Ok, enough of that. It’s a party!!!

I just got some Lipton Vanilla Caramel Truffle tea (in the pyramid tea bag..lol) so I am ready to partay now! What are the beverages of choice for the rest of you? The next round is on me!! :)

Oh, here comes the party music!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEPXEJYyKaM

Hey, Stu!! Let’s DANCE!!!

453 Joe { 11.07.10 at 1:53 am }

Hey Now,

Interesting Sunday….I was reading your posts METOO and The Gospel for the day is the one where Jesus is explaining to the Phariasees(sp).

The following TRUTH. It is a pretty big one. A tough one to embrace and BELIEVE. However should you let it take root in your heart.

All fear and regret will leave. Of course we will still long cry and miss, I’m not sure why, must be a human thing.

HE’S IS THE GOD OF THE LIVING, NOT THE DEAD. TO HIM ALL THINGS ARE ALIVE.

Oh my understanding—ah there is no death, just transformation. Those who have gone before are not dead, just waiting. Man I want get there to.

So it is that HOPE, no more death, that cast out fear.

Just a reminder, we ain’t gonna die folks. Just transform

Once the fear of death is removed, ah is there eally anything else to fear?

Enjoy and spread the news.

NO more DEATH.

It is relativley GOOD NEWS. Wouln’t you say.

Love.

PS. some apologies from that rage of a party the last couple of days.

Remember I am working on my people skills..

First-Stu–sorry I left you there Bro, hope you got a ride. I saw you rapping to that chick from the thomas reciepe blog.

Metoo-Look honey, I had no idea she was your partner, or I never would have made a pass, But she is hot.

Kitty-Oh god, please forgive me, I can not believe I grabbed your ass, jesus. It won’t happen again I promise..

Hey, thanks for coming folks, Hope we do it again real soon.

Enjoy

454 Kitty Mom { 11.07.10 at 3:37 am }
455 Kitty Mom { 11.07.10 at 3:41 am }

Hey folks – I sent some music to you but it is waiting moderation. Don’t know what happenned but I hope I am not locked out. Talk more later when I find out what is going on.
Love you guys
Kitty Mom

456 Kitty Mom { 11.07.10 at 3:47 am }

OK trying again folks to add a song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SiGSsP60BLA&feature=related

Love
Kitty

457 Kitty Mom { 11.07.10 at 3:06 pm }

OK – here goes I am adding another song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BmEGm-mraE

Hey y’all – Sunday night already dark at 6:00 PM. Wow – Joe – What a party! Partay Partay Partay!!!! Had more fun than I know what to do with!!! Your behavior was – what can I say – a blast! I added a couple of 60ish 70ish songs if it is not too late. Hope you all enjoy them – they are from back in my hayday when I thought I was a hippy but never really made the grade…haha (a hippie wanna bee) Those were the days, my freinds. Anyone with short hair and over 30 was not to be trusted and MJ was 20 a bag! Anyway, Joe enjoyed the party and hope to do it again soon.
I am sooooo pissed! I washed my brand new $180 phone in the washing machine – I can call out and get all my numbers, and can hear the party on the other side, but the other party cannot hear me. That is the second phone I ruined this year and still am paying TMobile for both of them. I just sent for an off market one from on-line so I am hoping it works.
I am so reckless abandon – dropping things all the time – leaving drawers and doors open – left the attic door open for hours yesterday – did not even realize it until husband saw it open.
Oh well – I would attribute it to getting older but I have always been the same….Oh, and the show at the Elks Club last night was hillarious – a comedian…so so funny I laughed until I peed myself. Did a song called I don’t look neked any more – hillarious. Had a great time and LMAO!!!!
Hope you all had a great weekend and will talk soon I hope.
Love unconditionally
Kitty (what a moran!)
PS – sending one more song after this

458 Kitty Mom { 11.07.10 at 3:07 pm }
459 Joe { 11.08.10 at 2:57 am }

Hey Now,

Happy Monday,

DJ Kitty Mom, spinin the groves, little CCR and man Carlos was young, and Remember, Hippie is in the heart, not the Hair.

Of course, my hair is long and my Grateful T-shirt collection is standard dress, big time dead head here, hundreds of shows.

I grew up on the highways and parking lots of Deadshows, it’s were I learned about sales, love, life, hurt, pain, loss. Music and so much more.

It is who I am.

Man these come around so fast. (monday’s) Hope everyone goes through the day filled with peace and power. That’s what I ask for everyday now.

Peace-from my demons.

Power-To lighten up the room.

So far so good.

My Favorite Beverage is now, Hawaiian Blue Coffee, with a splash of cream and some sugar. If I get some of those beans grown in KONA on the smith estate, well Let’s just say, God knew what he was doing when he planted that coffee bean seed in the rich fertile mountain terrain.

HMMM, that first sip is pure ecstasy.

Love

Keep Coming Bac

460 Kitty Mom { 11.08.10 at 3:00 pm }

I need to apologize for all the freaking songs I sent over the weekend – you see the first three I sent together but they did not
come across- said they were waiting moderation. So sorry!!! But hoped you liked the music anyway.
Hey where are all you guys – I am so lonesone I could cry!!!
It is Monday so I will report my days clean – 58 as of today. Just shy of two months. Praise the Lord my friends.
Miss you….Love
Kitty Mom

461 Joe { 11.09.10 at 1:53 am }

Hang On there Kitty,

It appears the posts are being sent to moderation, they will find there way, I’m sure.

It get s kinda confusing, waiting, double posting, so you know easy does it.

I have finished the bible blog.

For those who would like to get involved in a bible study here is a link.

All our welcome.
http://www.thoughts.com/joe1965/bible-study-more-will-be-revealed

Nothing fancy just a bread and butter blog page, but the meat is in the word.

Peace

462 Metoo { 11.09.10 at 5:51 am }

Hey, all!!!!
I will take NO APOLOGIES for music!! I sent a couple extra too…and I wondered what was up with the moderation thing. Hey, on Sunday morning, I was GOING to send Sunday Morning Comin’ Down by none other than Johnny Cash…but I resisted!!

It was fun to think of you kids and a party all in one weekend. What a fun idea….I, for one, loved it!! Let’s do it again sometime??!! As long as Joe quits hittin’ on my girls, fgs!!!! :) hahahaha!! Fun.

Well, my personal work has been getting numbers in order, and I HATE numbers. BUT, I will make this transfer of ownership smooth, or my name isn’t Metoo!!! :D
Bigger than the numbers for me is me “owning” this move…”owning” my happiness…and the biggest part….BELIEVING that THERE IS HAPPINESS OUT THERE FOR ME. I wonder about that. I worry about that. Joe, I LOVED your quote..if you worry, why pray? if you pray, why worry? It’s so true….I need to write that in lipstick on my mirror or something, because I need to train my brain to NOT WORRY. SO, if you feel like saying any prayers for me….I would appreciate them so much. I just want to be happy…I want my JOY back.

Hear that lonesome whipporwhil~~ he sounds too blue to fly…
Huh..that fits…

Kitty Mom, TODAY I am celebrating you! 58 days clean. Well, 59 today!!!! I am proud of you, and so happy for you. You did what you set out to do. WAY TO GO, DDNM!!!! (Double Dipper No More…) This calls for another PARTAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

463 Stu { 11.09.10 at 2:50 pm }

Great party and tunes.

I am trying to stay away from those Thomas Recipe woman Joe. They’re a little to wild for me. The About Junkies are more my speed.

I made it to the finish line Sunday, so it’s official. I am a marathon finisher. The weather was as good as it gets. Trees in full fall colors. What a magnificent day.

I ran it on my birthday.

The legs are still sore, I ran for ten minutes yesterday and it about killed me. I don’t think I will attempt it again.

Metoo – I believe there is happiness out there for you. Good luck finding it girl. I like your sentiment. As you know, I too suffer from depression. Sometimes I wonder the exact same thing.

464 Kitty Mom { 11.09.10 at 3:51 pm }

Hey Y’all – Happy Tuesday
Glad you posted me-too and Stu – noone posted yesterday and I was a little lonely – especially after Joe’s party and he did not even show up here for two days after pinching my but!!! haha

Really Joe – where the heck are you. There are folks over on the thomas recipe site that need our help.

For those folks new over there – I am keeping you in my prayers and even though it is difficult it is possible to quit – like I said so many times before, I never could imagine doing anything without pills – and for 59 days I have done everything without them and it is doable – there is life after pills – Ask us over on this end Metoo has quit – Joe has been clean for over a year, Stu is getting there also – and I have been almost two months. So my darlings – you can do it and come here for support – we are more than happy to invite you into our world…I am pulling for you…
Metoo – you are going to be a shining star in your new life – quit thinking of the whole move all at once and take each day at a time. Happiness is right around the corner even though it seems far away. You can do it – you have been so great to so many people and now is your time to think about yourself. I am happy for you that you have found yourself….and glad you are pill free and helped me in my success to get there also.
Stu – congrats on your marathon…what a great and amazing feat you have accomplished – now you can accomplish anything you set your mind to.
Joe – please come back…you are needed here.
Love to all unconditionaly
Kitty going banana’s

465 Joe { 11.10.10 at 2:58 am }

Hey Guys,

Just wanted to let you know I am here, lurking. I changed browsers, I am now using Goggle Chrome. I have left firefox, mot sure if that is the issue.

Maybe.

We shall see.

Godspeed

466 Joe { 11.10.10 at 3:20 am }

Hey Now,

I switched browsers from firefox, to GoogleChrome in an attempt to synch everything in my world, that may be causing my posts to await approval.

I came back to firfox. see if this goes through.

Nothing like synching.

Peace

467 Joe { 11.10.10 at 3:47 am }

Hey Now,

It looks like I can posts from firefox.

Cool.

Got get down to the plant, but I am here, I am well, I also need you folks.

Here is a link to teh Bible Blog…Nothing special in appearance but it packs a whollop in content,

Fell free to ease on over.

I’m not sure how you post on it, I mean I added a comment and it worked.

//www.thoughts.com/joe1965/bible-study-more-will-be-revealed

Good to be back..so to speak.

Love

468 southern mom { 11.10.10 at 12:39 pm }

OK, I am going to be perfectly honest here, so take what I have to offer or dismiss it but I feel it needs to be addressed.
You, The Core Four, pretty much alienate eveyone else, i know it’s not intentional but as an outsider it is how I feel and I think others percieve it the same way too. You talk your own language, you have your own “parties” and you have your own little world that envelopes just the 4 of you.
Yes, every once in a while one of you may reach other to “the others on the other sites”. But we are not “the others”. We are all going through a really rough time and I for one do not like feeling that I am on the outside looking in. This may not be your intentions, but it is certainly how I feel, and by the lack of others that feel safe enough to comment, I believe I am making a valid point.
A few months back I had the same type of friendship with 2 others on this board and one of us found a way for the three of us to communicate without doing it through this web-site, maintaining a friendship, but not rubbing it everyone’s noses. I would like to suggest the 4 of you do the same thing so others can stop feeling alienated, and should those that need help be brave enough to post they can do so, speak freely and not feel that they need a “secret handshake” to come here for help.
To put it simply, e-mail each other with your personal posts, come to this web-site with an open mind and an open heart to help others that are in need, keep your personal relationships to yourselves.
I apologize if this offends the “Core Four Group” but just having your own group name excludes others.
Be glad you found each other, but be Blessed to help others!
Good luck and God Bless
sm

469 metoo { 11.10.10 at 1:40 pm }

Hey, southernmom! It’s good to hear from you. I have been praying for you, and hope that things are going well!

470 Metoo { 11.10.10 at 2:42 pm }

Well, I have had better days. Capital gains taxes suck. I woke up this morning absolutely FULL of anxiety, just with the stress of shaking up my life and because of relocating….I SHOULD be treating this as such an adventure, but I am so prone to anxiety. It wakes me up every day, and I hate it!!!!

Now, this afternoon, I get the news about capital gains taxes. I don’t like numbers anyway, but I like them even less now. What a rotten day.

So often, I feel so bad about “just another rotten day” because each each EACH day is a gift from God. Lord, please send your angels…

471 southern mom { 11.10.10 at 3:00 pm }

Hi metoo, I have felt and lived your prayers and I hope you have felt mine.
Why don’t you contact me off of this site and we can discuss what’s going on. You know I care about you otherwise I wouldn’t have such strong emotions.
You and everyone else on this site are in my prayers, those prayers keep me going, they keep alive, they keep me trying to follow His path. That is the one thing I wish for everyone. Stay on His path and let Him wrap you in His arms!
Peace, Love and Holiness…
In His Name
sm

472 Stu { 11.10.10 at 3:16 pm }

metoo, yes taxes do really suck. Hang in there.

SM, we are the About Junkies now. Everybody can be one, as long at they post on About! Have a great day!!

473 Joe { 11.11.10 at 2:41 am }

Hey Now,

Great to be here and Great to be clean.

Southern Mom, Thanks for sharing that, I know it took some courage.

I ‘m sorry I don’t know you or your situation. However I would Love to hear or read about it.

Are you clean, using, trying to get clean.

I really only post in this thread, and I’d like to share my situation with you, it is chronicled in this thread, of course It is a long read so here is the short version.

I am 45 years old.

I am a white male.

I was addicted to drugs from the time I was 12 to May 23 2009.

I took that path to heavens door, however it did not open.

I have no idea how I survived it all.

I spent most of life in jail, prisons, on the streets, homeless and lonley, very very lonely.

Well with 4 days clean, and thinking of killing myself, i was led here, to this blog by some force.

Here I found a courage to live 1 more day.

That’s why I come here, so I can live one more day.

I also understand folks with various degrees of dependency come here, seeking information.

I think there is wonderful information here.

Adam has saved MY Life and others by making it available.

Some come and go, Some stay.

I post here on About, because

1. I don’t really have tine to go through the whole site, I’m on here for like 20 minutes every morning.

2. I have nothing to share on those threads, I mean I never tried the thomas recipe, i have no idea how to overcome paws, I’m not into all the vitamins and health stuff.

I do push-ups and sit ups.

I went cold turkey and puked and shit and sweated and lied in bed in my house. It was hell, pure hell.

I live in a small town.

I have NOT ONE real clean friend in this town.

I am Alone in a marriage.

This is my lifeline.

I come here with JUST 1 purpose. To let people know that if they choose to stop using dope, I will walk with them every minute of every day.

That’s my purpose.

My wish is that I meet someone,a companion, someone who can help fill the void in my soul, safely, who seeks adult companionship, just like me. Who wants another person to walk with them, care about them and ease the pressures of the daily grind.

I wish it to be a woman, because it is that touch that I lack most in my life,

I’m not sure if my wish will come true.

So I keep fulfilling my purpose faithfully and I wait for my wish to come true. I’m not trolling the web looking for companionship. If it’s meant to be it will show up. Here on this thread, And at that point I will take the next step with that person or she will engage me to join her.

I am more than willing to let go of the core 4 verbage, if you feel it is in some how a determent to your well being.

I’m not aware of any secret handshakes or pledges, I am not aware I had discouraged a single soul from seeking help. It appears I have. May God forgive me. It was not my intention.

I Love Metoo, I love Kitty Mom, I love Stu. I have loved other on this thread as well,.
I love that they come here and share with me their life.

I have learned from them and through them

I love that you posted and I hope you continue to.

So that’s me.

I am a lonely addict. I carry a message that if you do not want to take a pill today you do not have to. You have a choice.

I also am a lonely addict seeking compaionship. I would love to meet a woman who is trying to change their life, to find god, but enjoys the feelings generated by an online freindship, who has a mutual void in their life, who is in a similar boat as I. Who wants to grow. Who wants to heal, wants to share personal stuff.

Hell I know this is not some freaking dating site, but I am not going there or some bullshit other type of board.

In fact other than ESPN or EBAY this is the extent of my web use, unless I encounter some need.

I have no desire to social network outside this site.

So. to you and any other human being out there lurking scared and lonely. I would love to introduce myself. I’m Joe i feel the same fucking way, I choose not to take some dope today to stop the feelings.

WELCOME and LOVE

And If your into a New Look at the Word of God please come on over tho a blog I set up.. here is the link.

http://www.thoughts.com/joe1965/bible-study-more-will-be-revealed

I hope to see you there. And I hope I haven;t broke some rules by posting the link.

474 Metoo { 11.11.10 at 6:17 am }

Joe, how come I ALWAYS love your posts???? And I have gone to your blog two days in a row…I need to spend some time navigating around it though. I have never been one for Bible study, and maybe that’s what has been missing in my life. Just maybe!!!

I will be experiencing “Interneticus Interruptus” again, perhaps until Tuesday again, but will try to post something at work. A day without you cats (LOL…KM…) is like a day without kratom.

475 Stu { 11.11.10 at 6:53 am }

Joe, awesome post. I really appreciate the background info and from the heart comments. Good stuff man.

You motivated me to do the same.

Suffice to say, for now, I am a fifty four year old white male. I am a drug addicted alcoholic trying to get and stay clean.

I had fourteen years clean then went out 1/2005. I have been struggling to get back ever since. The most I got clean since then was about a year, other than that a matter if week.

I am fairly athletic, so my body does not show as much damage as it probably should from the abuse it has taken. I get and stay sick and depressed when I use.

I have never had a DWI, been locked up or suffered the institutional pains Joe has. Never lost a house, family, dog, girlfriend or anything. My life simply SUCKS when I use. I want to die sometimes.

I got about two days right now. Took 17.5 mg HC on Tuesday to get over a bad hangover. That was the first I had in a week or two. I got about three weeks clean awhile back.

No dope or pills in the house and I told my “man” that I am no longer interested in buying any.

I will write more later. I am off to my massage therapist to work on these sore legs.

I feel pretty good today.

476 southern mom { 11.11.10 at 9:38 am }

Hi
Thank you Joe, Stu and Metoo for your open and honest posts. I wish I was brave enough to just be OUT there with this shameful addiction that takes over my life.
I think I might be a bit shell-shocked, after really opening up and putting myself out there, I ended up alone. Maybe that’s why I have such strong feelings about the core four. I’m jealous. I don’t have what you guys have in my life anymore and I miss it. It really sucks because I hate this feeling, I hate it in other people and I sure as hell hate it in myself. I pray and pray and pray some more asking God to just let me move on and I can’t. I know that the sharing and commradery with others that are rowing the same boat I am is helpful and healing. So instead of jumping in and becoming a part of something, I hide myself behind jealousy and resentment, both of those are such destructive emotions. You would think that after living 54 years, having 2 kids, a couple of husbands an exciting career and pretty much a dream life, I would just be grateful, instead I let my addictive personality take over, I abuse pain pills and alcohol and I keep finding new ways to self-destruct and take pot-shots at others on my way down. How selfish can a person get???
Everyday I plead with God to show me the way, HIS way and He keeps sending me back to learn a lesson from the mistakes I keep making just like any loving Father would. I need to stop being the rebeling B***** and fix what I have broken.
I apologize for any pain I have caused others, I really mean it, I am sorry. That is a huge step for me because I am finally admitting I was wrong and until I get it right with Him I am going to keep messing up.
I hope you all can find forgiveness, I have asked a lot of people to do this lately, but I also understand if you can’t.
As always I will constantly pray for everyone who comes here and I thank those that have prayed for me.
In His Name
sm

477 Kitty Mom { 11.11.10 at 3:33 pm }

Wow – what a post day folks – lots of revalations. Southern Mom I did not post yesterday because I was a little upset that you felt the way you did about us here on the About site. Upset because coming here, like Joe said is a way to stay clean – the closeness that we feel is no reflection on anyone else and I feel horribly if we leave anyone else out and they feel, like you do, that we are not inclusive of people in the same boat that we are in. And, like Joe, I am not looking for a social network situation – it just so happens that the four of us on here have become close in our daily struggles and are here to support each other in any way that we can and sometimes have fun doing it. It is therapy for us Southern Mom and it is part of the process of getting and staying clean. Friendship and Love and talking about our situations is in no means meant to leave any one out or hurt anyone. I am glad you are coming on here again and I will certainly keep you in my prayers along with the others. I can say that I never have seen Joe, Stu, or Metoo leave anyone out if they post on the About site. And, I hope with all my heart that I have never left anyone out also.
You were doing so good about two months ago when I first started my journey and I appreciated your comments of encouragement and I hope that I was the same to you. I apologize if I was not – sometimes I miss new posters over there and it is hard to go back and forth – so like Joe, I prefer to stay here but would welcome you to stay also.
Southern Mom we were right there together neck and neck – I hope you ,with Gods and our help, get back on the sobriety wagon again real soon. I am here for you sister.
Metoo – taxes yuck….I am sorry you are stressed about the “numbers” – The middle class getting screwed as usual! I pray for you and hope your sitution improves and you can get on with your life….hang in there darlin, you will be fine.
I guess I need to say, also, that I am a middle class white female, working as an accountant – good life – good family – married – one grown daughter – a little anti-social sometimes – and have been addicted to vicodin for at least 5 years – Before dipped into tylenol 3′s for several years off and on – Never been to jail or arrested for DUI – but was always scared about it. Clean and celebrating 2 months and doing very well with not too much thought about using again thank God. Husband is sufferingf from Diabetes and sometimes I wish for someone to take care of me instead of always having to take care of someone else. So that is my story – not too exiting – normal run of the mill life y’all.

Joe – I have not been over to your bible site yet but hopefully will go there on my day off tomorrow. I would love to start study of the bible and will let you know how it is once I get there. Thanks so much for ther heartfelt story of your addiction and your friendship – I have missed your long and heart felt posts lately and Stu I hope this time is the last time you have to struggle with getting clean – you can do it my brother – You did in the past and can do it again.
I love all you guys unconditionally and feel your friendship.
Kitty full of love

478 Joe { 11.12.10 at 1:42 am }

Well, Well, Well….

What a week, huh folks. God I love being clean.

You can’t make this stuff up. The amazing thing is God’s reality is so much cooler and hipper and sexier and happier and healthier than anything else.

I’m starting to discover that God’s Love is even better than my over worked imagination.

I mean my friend circle is now appearnelty 3 middle aged prefessional white females with varying interst, issues and attributes. And a marathon running cat from the mid-west.

Are you fucking kidding me.

God I love you. You are so awesome God, I mean really there is great and then their is the kingdom. It appears the Kingdom has come, The will has been done.

Thank you Father.

Kitty-Oh god I really missed you, I gotta plop down on the old porch and just chill with you for a minute…AHHHHHHHHH better. Thanks. I need you to understand what a comfort you are for me, and what a blessing you are. I am here to help, listen and encourage. The last 2 months with you have been like a renewal. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Metoo-OH Metoo, Metoo, Metoo, Metoo. How do you repay someone for giving them Life, That’s what you gave me, give me and WILL continue to give me.

LIFE, LIBERTY, AN CAPITAL GAINS…..

I read somewhere, Give to Ceasar what is Cesars, Give to God what is Gods.

SoutherMom–WOW. Thank you so VERY MUCH. So your a middle age chick, batteling the bottle and dope, you have had a pretty good life, however things a spiraling, downward. Your reaching out, praying to God. But the dam feelings and thoughts and body and flesh just keep on pressing in on you.
That sounds just about right.
WELCOME HOME, MY SISTER.
You know when you can get off that train, anytime you want.
Now for me, if you would, if you do nothing else this day. Please sit back for just a second, close your eyes and SMILE, SMILE,SMILE. And Relax, sister. Give yourself a break man.
All that praying, wow. I’m tired. Ah, I think he heard you the first time, girl. That’s why your heare. Just keep it real, Everything is already allright.
Now, shall we enjoy our Friday. I know I will.
I fucking Love fridays.

Stu–My Brother, Thanks for getting honest, it is so outrageously awesome just to BE YOU.

For me the final stage of the disease was AMBIVALANCE, Once I took a stand. NO DOPE,NO MATTER WHAT.

Some seriously crazy shit has begun to happen.

Enjoy the Ride,
Joe

479 Southern mom { 11.12.10 at 10:46 am }

Hello “About Junkies’ “Core Four” all yooz guyz.
I want to thank everyone for their honesty, you didn’t hold back, you just put it out there and let me soak all of you in. Metoo and I have history and KM and I were on the same path a couple months ago, but I fell out with both of them and everyone else and Iblame myself for alienating people who reached out to me. I have spent hours journaling trying to figure out what the f is wrong with me and the only thing that is as real to me as the nose on my face is I have serious emotions that I use to destroy those around me. Pride, envy, jealousy, selfishness… stuff I have been doing all my life. As a child I got away with it because I was Daddy’s girl and my mom and sister couldn’t compete with the manipulation I used on my dad to get what I wanted. As I grew up I used my looks to get what I wanted, I was pretty, I could party with the best of them and I was ruthless. It explains why I have very few female friends.
So now I am old, no not middle age because I do not want to live to be 108, I am old, the looks are fading and I have gotten cynical and critical with just about everything in my life.
In a nut shell I am a self-absorbed Bitch. I have already apologized for that but I don’t think I can say I’m sorry enough.
So…
KM I understand your apprehension about me, I have said hurtful things due to being envious of a group that I didn’t feel I could be a part of because I had burned a HUGE bridge with Metoo and I even trashed her on this site hoping to alienate her because she had what I so desparately wanted and you all were getting from her what I wanted (so damn selfish!)
Stu you just go with the flow and I get where you are coming from, I think the demons (drugs and booze) are our weapons of choice to destray our lives, but we also have a reverance for the bodies and health God has given us. No I could never run a marathon like you do and I think you are amazing for that achievemnt. But, I do go to the gym almost daily, I lift weights and I walk with my doggies 5 miles a day. I am still abusing drugs and I don’t even know why I can keep getting them, I live in FL and they are really cracking down on the pain pill mills, but I go anyway, knowing I could probably get busted. I enjoy my cocktails ususlly starting at lunch, I work from home so I am on my own time and I often think I do my best work when I’m f-d up.
Joe, you are an open door. You let everyone in to come and sit a spell, idle chat or spill their guts, you laugh and make others laugh you find joy in God and His creations. You bring sobreity to a whole new level. You unconditionally love and accept and I think that’s what I am most ashamed about when I called out the Core Four, you don’t shun, you don’t judge, you don’t ridicule, you accept, hugs and kisses and move on.
I can see why all of you have come together and found a common bond that makes your relationship so remarkable. Each of you bring something awesome to the table and everyone feels safes sharing themselves with each other. I want so badly. I had that at one time and you don’t know how much you miss something until it’s gone.
I know this is a lot to take in, but I hope and pray you can see past my words of envy and anger to find that I’m not that bad. It’s been hard for me to do that, to tell myself that I’m not such a major fuck-up, now I just need to put it out there and pray for another chance at friendship and acceptance.
I hope God Blesses your day and this weekend.
In His Name
SM

480 Kitty Mom { 11.12.10 at 3:34 pm }

Hey Y’all (SM too) Southern Mom it is never to late to take in the friendship on this site – you are welcome here as long as you are open and willing like your last two posts. You have spoken up about what you consider your weakness and apologized for them and that is enough for me to take you in like a sister. You are welcome and included any time you want. You know you were one of the first folks I spoke to here on this website and I consider it an honor to keep on talking to you daily, weekly, or whenever you want to post. I am here for anyone struggling or not. You need to take a deep breath and listen to some of the advice on here and consider getting back to sobriety again. You would be right here with me if you had continued where you left off…but I am praying for you either way you decide to go. Yeah the pillmills have been making headlines here in Florida – never been to one myself – I guess that would have been the next move for me if I had continued cause several of my sources were drying up and I would have got caught eventually for doctor shopping or double dipping…(hahah ddkitty).
Antway – long story short – welcome fellow Floridian!!
Joe Joe Joe – I live for those posts of yours. I am going to Read the book of John this weekend and get back to you on my thoughts either here or on your bible site. Thanks for the oportunity to chat about it. Stu – hope you are doing well and have a drug and alcohol free weekend….I will be pulling for you and SM in that respect.
Metoo – I know you are not around a computer for a few days so whatever you are doing, I hope it is productive and or fun.
It was another project day for me today – cleaned the “back patio” and pool area which it realllly needed – I love these productive days without pills – and by the way this will be the first holiday season for many years that I will not be on pills – and that is really good but scary.
Well off to the mall (I hate malls) so hubby can buy me something for my birthday – which is a week from today!! haha YOU THINK YOU ARE OLD SOUTHERN MOM!!!!!
Love you guys from the bottom of my kitty heart!
KM

481 Joe { 11.13.10 at 3:06 am }

Hey Now,

Saturday Morning. Working ovetime, again. Jesus when I left sales managemnet 2 years ago, as part of my lifesyle change who knew I would become a OT grabbing union guy.

Oh well, you know what I LOVE being a working dude, in my jeans and tshirt, Screw the tie and slacks for now.

Awsome Kitty’s birthdays coming up, I can enjoy my Kitty birthday fantasy for the next week. Have a great one mom.

I hate malls, oh by the way, this internet thing allows you the JOY of shopping right from the leisure of your own home kitty.

Southermom-You sound just like me. My God those self destructive alienating behavior characteristiscs. Man what a pain in the ass they become, don’t they.

You know, I don’t put much stock in them anymore, sems like they are a human thing. I look behind the wall, where the spirit lives. So you will have to excuse me if I fail to get upset over the way we treat one other, or think about ourselves. I realize we are more than that, much more, In fact we are filled with the Holy Spirit. I am interested in you, how the spirit will manifold itself,

And come to think of it, I can not imagine having a better friend than a 54 year old woman, who is a self proclaimed self absorbed bitch, who is somehow convinced she destroys her personal reltionships through child like manipulation, envy, jelsousy and bitterness.

For some deep reason I am really excited about the potential here. I hope you keep coming around.

Stu-my brother keep coming around, I need you.

Metoo-I need to go to these places without internet access, I did know they exsisted anymore.

It is my daughter’s birthday week-end, She got a New phone, and tonight the Nacogdoches Jr, High School cheer team will invade Pizza Hut on (my dime) then invade my home for the night

16 teenage cheerleading girls, up all night eating and driinking all my food, and possibly destroying my 2 week old living room. suite.

No dope No Matter what,

have a good one guys.

482 Southern mom { 11.13.10 at 11:24 am }

Hello all,
Joe, you are one brave man!! I am handing out KUDOS in a big way to any man that can take it in stride that his home, his castle, his palace , his domain will be INVADED by teenage cheerleaders, I have BTDT!!! Too many times and it is not easy even when you’re high, I don’t know if I could do it sober, my hat is off to you kind Joe.
I also really appreciate your directness, you call them as you see them and you have hit the nail on the head about me. Yep, I am a self-absorbed emotional mess, but I am also a sucker who is often abused because I love so much, usually by my kids, I really can’t say no and that is why I have not only my nephew but my son’s best friend living with us now. My daughter’s friends are here everyday because “I have the cool house” in adult terms, I feed them, drive them and pretty much kiss their ass daily. The one person who doesn’t abuse me is my husband, he had a real bad wife now I take care of him and I love it. but he doesn’t really know me, he knows nothing about my addictions, obviously he knows I drink, we drink together, but the pills, he has no idea how bad my addiction is to those evil little white things from hell (oooh so emotional!) He appreciates the way I keep our world going, I refuse to be called a housewife, because I did not marry my house, but I love to cook, I love to entertain, I love having my kids and their friends here (I can keep an eye on what’s going on) I clean but I don’t like it, I am an art teacher and I love creating art in almost any capacity. I teach an art class in my home for the little ones, I love them young, they soak up everything and I rejoice in what they put out. I am a music major and I love doing the child’s choir at our church the most. I plan all of our family activities and holidays. BUT… (you knew there would have to be a big butt!) I often resent being taken advantage of!!! How ridiculous is that? I want to plan, to make everything nice nice and then I get emotional because I am not>>.(fill in the blank respected, appreciated, properly thanks, whatever selfish emotion you can think of).
I want this and I want that, and when I get it I question why I got it or am critical about what I got. I would love to blame this on menopause, but deep in my heart I know this is the real me. God, how I hate “me” at times.
If anyone can dig in there and come up with some opinions, ideas, theroies, behind me being so f’d up, please chime in! Trust me you can’t offend any more than I offend myself.
OK so bottom line, I am tapering, I have set a date to quit, to give me the time to go through the withdraws without letting my family down, as far as my martinis with blue cheese stuffed olives, that may have to wait. I am getting in the best physical shape as possible to let me take another withdraw blow to body. I journal like crazy to get my mind ready for this. I just need to get through the next 3 months and then I am ready to do this. I hope my pills last that long because I can see my addiction getting more and more everyday. I know I can’t tell God to leave this up to me, He has a plan and I know I trust Him, so it will be interesting to see what happens.
KM thank you for your honesty and I appreciate your wise opinions.
Stu we haven’t really “met” yet, but that day may come.
Metoo, thank you…
As always I pray for all of you on every site and I am truly thankful for your prayers, kindess and concern.
until we meet again
sm
I like to think I am a good person, I have so many people who think they know me that would tell you I am great…. but they have no idea who I am, in fact I don’t really know if I know who I really am (who that sounds so redundant!)
I was sober for over a month and I was such a calmer and kinder person. I didn’t get all bigigity, but I also wasn’t a slug.

483 Kitty Mom { 11.13.10 at 6:30 pm }

Hey Y’all – I typed the usual kitty mom long message and then thought it sounded lame so I deleted the whole thing… I almost feel guilty for being so in control of my drug use lately. I feel like I am probabloy boring you all with the triviality of my life.
SM – you sound like you really have your act together with your kids and your work and all. You do a phenominal job if you ask me. I was basically lethargic and non productive at home during the end of my addiction. I was OK at work, but just vegged out at home and never felt like doing anything. I am surprised my husband stayed around. Of course, I have no kids at home and was not on the drugs when my daugher was living at home – that could be part of the reason I used – her leaving and moving out on her own. It was very hard to accept the empty nest. Now I would not trade it in but at first it was very difficult. Joe – it is nice to hear about the daddy side of you. You sound like a wonderful daddy and I enjoyed hearing that side of you. You and Southern Mom are so hard on yourself, but Joe, you have been off the drugs for over a year and a half, and that is a great feat to have accomplished and SM you have a wonderful family and career and I will pray for you that you are on the road to pill freedom one of these days too. I know as long as I had pills or was able to get pills, I would not quit and I am glad now that I was kind of forced into quiting cause my doctor found out that I was scoring from another doctor. Even though cold turkey was hard, it was pretty much over in a week. I had thought about going to rapid detox, I think I had mentioned this before and I would have spent 10 grand on getting detoxed by being put to sleep for a day. Boy, am I glad I did not do that! I would be 10K in debt and in the exact same boat that I am already in. Regardless of how I did it, I am most grateful to God for letting me survive the whole thing. It was not easy. But, it is doable. Thank the Lord for this website and the friends I have made here. I would not have been able to do it without those two precious gifts. I think we all have the jealousy thing going on Southern Mom. I find myself a little jealous at times on here too. Crazy, but true. But I guess we all can be friends here and keep each other in our prayers….can’t we?
I miss you Metoo – it is not the same without your inspirational thoughts and atta-girls that you send my way. Hope you are back soon out of internet-nada -land.
Stu – come around more often. I miss hearing from you and hope your weekend is productiive, sweet, and drug free.
If I had known how good that I would feel without those bastard pills, I would have stopped using a long time ago – but they had me and they had me good. Those things are evil – the devil in disguise and have us fooled into thinking that we can’t do without them….when actually there is life after pills.
Well guys and girls, I ended up full of wind again and do not even know what the point was except that I love you and can’t wait until tomorrow to post and read again.
Kitty – not feeling special
Love Ya most affectionately!

484 Joe { 11.14.10 at 2:45 am }

Hey Now–

Up early, house in order. No WORK today. YEAH. I have had my new recliner for 2 weeks and today I get to sit in it and watch some Football, sweet.

I love the various situations we all live in, yet we share the common thread of pill useage.

I know for me I have just one purpose, to extend a hand to anyone trying to get off dope.

It is why I was spared. Period, Nothing more.

See for me, I am an addict, that for me, means that a portion of my mind, somewhere deep in the plesasure center was introduced to chemicals, it made it feel good. It wanted more.

Once that physical event transpired and being in an enviorment where it could flourish it did, in fact it got to the point where it controlled me, Everything, not somethings. That’s just how it works for me.

That part of my mind will be there until I die.

This fact used to cripple me, fill me with rage or self pity, but mostly just ambivalance. I did not care what the fuck happened, to me or to you. I just wanted dope.

This is a dreadful exsistance.

Then it happened, one day, not a scheduled day, not after a taper, I just could not go on, not one more day, I died.

I lied in Bed for 3 days, but I woke up still here.

In was through no doing on my part.

The initial Thought, Feeling, Push, Desire. Came from outside me and worked it’s way in.

I have learned but 1 thing in these last 18 months, this LOVE that saved my life is the following.

1. Very Real
2. Very Creative
3. Knows me, better than I know myself
4. Provides for my every need, want, and desire. (in some fashion)
5. Never runs out
6. Lacks the ability to see fault.
7. Loves me
8. Is always available
9. Gives me the strength do do whatever I choose.

10. (most important) He gives me a CHOICE, He loves me so much, he trusts me so much that he gives me a choice.

That for me is the difference between Life(Love) and Death(addiction) CHOICE.
The rest of the stuff in my day is well stuff.

Has long as the first CHOICE of the day is LOVE, well that has the good book says, covers a multitude of shortcomings.

Kitty-and I hope you read these words, they come from my heart.

I remember vividly your first few posts, your words were so TRUE, so full of LIFE, yet here you were kicking opiates.

Why, because your a vessel. For the Love, a well of living water.

Hey sister, I have been around, you know. And with each day my fondness and admiration grows. You are where I am trying to get.

Your girl is grown, the job not yet finished is reaping rewards, the sowing continues and you work. You work harder than just about anyone I know.

And as I mentioned my biggest fear, the deepest scariest secret of my life. That I was to full fo shame and remorse and regret to enter into a friendship with a WOMAN as SPECIAL as you.

See you captvate me, and I really want you to well, like me. In fact so much so that I have at times fell back on Joe the salesman.

If I can ever reach the point where I feel inside well “acceptable” to someone so Special, I would melt, every push up, every prayer, every post, every share would be worth it.

I have no idea why, but I figured I could never expereince a freindship with a woman so wonderful. I mean I guess I was deep down hoping one day I could exchange a pleasantrary with you.

But you listened, you did not shun me, I can NEVER repay you for the gift you have given me.

Special, Special, I think that falls so short. I perfer straight from the heavens, Or Child of Christ.

So Kitty, I know you keep busy, I know you are here for others.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The last 2 months have been a surge of Spirit, Look I’m an addict, I can get negaitve from the walk from the lkitchen to the living room.

And Lord knows I got a boatload of issues to work out.

But just for today, for this Sunday morning I have Hope,

A Hope which grows stronger everyday WE stay clean.

I never want that fire to go out. I need it now.

I once was a Hopeless drug addict, now I am a dopeless Hope addict.
Sister, if you knew the extent of my reliance on you, well it would be embarrasing for me.

So hey, chin up there buttercup.

God himself told me to tell you.

He loves you. Don;t sweat the small stuff and in the love of christ, please keep coming back.

There that is your birthday greeting, and it was way deep, and as usual I now want to run away. Because I am embarrassed.

Love

485 Kitty Mom { 11.14.10 at 7:10 pm }

Hey everyone
Joe, thanks for the pep talk – I needed it. Yesterday I had doubts and felt small and insignificant but feel better today. Every once in a while it is like – I enjoyed life better while doped up – but with deeper thought about it, I did not enjoy life better that way. There was the constant worry about running out and the constant counting of pills to see how long they were going to last. There was the lethargic way I was living and the numbness.
So – just today, I am glad to be clean and glad to have friends like you out there to see me through. The weekend was filled with blessings – Joe – giving me a real good message, spending day with Mom on Saturday – finding a great deal on an antique wash stand at the Salvation Army – spending Sunday afternoon with my daughter and getting another project done on Friday at the house. So – productive love filled weekend. Just one thing missing – two actually – Metoo and Stu. Hope you both are OK out there. Write and let us know how you are doing as soon as you can. You know I rely on you and your inspirational comments. God has blessed me more than I can ever imagine.
SM – I saw you posted over on the other site and hope you keep us posted here on how you are doing. Think seriously about getting off those pills – you will be all the better for it believe me and you can do it – my opinion is that tapering just prolongs the aginy, but on the other hand, I completely understand – when there are pills acvailable, us addicts tend to prolong the inevitable…but God bless you whatever you decide to do.
Thanksgiving plans are coming together and will be here at my house with 12 people attending so I am really excited about that. Let me know what you all are doing. And, on my birthday, sorry to say, I have an office procedure to get rid of a pre cancerous condition, but on Saturday, if I feel OK, I will be celebrating with my family.
Take care you all and write your thought soon…Love to all
Kitty – almost another year older!

486 Joe { 11.15.10 at 1:49 am }

Monday Morning–Again.

I hear you there Kitty, and that is the one thing that really as made a difference for me this time.

Knowledge. Information.

Information about how your body process returning to it’s normal state.

Ecspecially the mental side, the bousts of emptiness, the feelings of smallness, alot of this stuff I never had an explination for, and the only solution I knew about for the darkness was dope.

Today I am so well equipped, I understand that my mind is repairing itself, that certian chemicals the mind produces and the pathways that they flow on our under construction.

And just like the old 510 loop here in Houston, when an exit gets closed man things bog down, I have to sit and ride it out.

The good news is instead of the old solution-a pill

I was given an alternate route, so to speak.

I now, share my thoughts feelings, worries and stress, The real shit, the shit that ggoes around and around in my head, I shre some stuff here, and some stuff between me and God.

I hope one day to have someone, a BFF if you will to share on that deep a level with.

I pray you realize your body is healing, and getting better.

The things that restore me to a cheerful spirit include.

Exercise-Walking, Push-ups, Sit-ups Just being outside, fresh air nature.

Sharing-my fears and worries and hopes

Eating some fruit.

A good nights sleep

Prayer and mediatation.

As you know after going throughabout 7 months and not feeling all the benefits one should feel from the activities below.

I shared honestly(for the first time with my Dr,) he perscribed the anti-deppressant, that along with everything else has me in a really good space.

And like a said, Life kicks my ass all the time.

So you know I need you and others.

I can’t do it alone.

Nor do I want to.

Have a great week

487 metoo { 11.15.10 at 12:08 pm }

:) Hi, kids!!
Hey, you know that feeling when you walk into a party in progress?? That’s how I feel right now…this moment in time!! :D

All of my peeps are here, right here, and I am so happy to see everyone!!!

Thank you, southernmom, for coming to the party hosted by joe. I am so thankful to have made it on the guest list!!! At SOME point I think we need to give oxy’s/hydro’s, etc credit for something. IT BROUGHT US TOGETHER. At moments like this, I can see why the roads we take are indeed necessary ones to get us to where we need to be. I am proud to know all of you, and to call you all friends!
What a day!!! :) Thanks, my friends..for being my friends.

488 Southern mom { 11.15.10 at 12:13 pm }

hello everyone;
KM I thank you for your advice, opinions, suggestions, concern and prayers.
Joe, I thank you for your words that come straight from your heart. You put yourself right out there, your openess is inspirational. Sharing your past and your present helps addicts like me see myself through your eyes. I take your words to heart and I take notes to keep with me through the day for strength, guidance and intospect. Being in the tapering stage, when I start craving I can use the words of people on this site to take everything in moderation.
I know my deadline and I am actually looking forward to it. The withdraws will suck, but I know when I get past that agony it will be my constant reminder to “Never go there again”. I’m going to be able to close one chapter of my life and open a new one. I will face some really difficult hurdles, my son going into the Marines, my daughter going to an IB high school, having to open up and tell my husband everything and hope they all still love me after I tell them.
I know I don’t need to be scrutinized or reprimanded. That is why I want to feel free to come to this site and be open. Sharing your lives and hearing all the crap you have gone through are true life lessons. However, I don’t need to have someone wagging a finger in face and telling me what “I NEED TO DO”… I know that, I just want acceptance and support like everyone else that comes here. KM I love that you want the best for me and I really appreciate all you have done and are doing, but please trust that I know what I have to do and I will do what I have to do when the time is right for me. Your prayers are deeply appreciated.
Metoo, I hope to hear from you soon.
Stu, I hope to get better aquainted with you if you are open to that.
Joe, your words lift my heart…daily.
May God bless your day.
In His Name
sm

489 Kitty Mom { 11.15.10 at 1:56 pm }

WOW Southern Mom – I feel resentment in your post. I in no way was trying to force my views on you – just trying to help. I am soooo sorry that I made you feel that I was looking down on your method – everyone is different and if I give you so much credit for even being able to taper – cause I know I was too weak to do that – I would gobble up the pills so fast, tapering was never an option for me. Please don’t think that I was being condescending or pushy or anything like that – I was just giving what worked for me – I was so very sad when I read your post, that I felt like going somewhere and crying….so I won’t let anything like that happen again.
The rest of you out there – I am not really in the mood to write any more – maybe later. I am going away with my tail between my legs…Bye
Love You All
Kitty Mom

490 Kitty Mom { 11.15.10 at 2:03 pm }

PS – Stu I miss you on here – Hope you are back again soon – and Metoo – I missed you this weekend – hope you had a good one whatever you did out there. I am truly blessed having this site to go to.
Love
Kitty Mom

491 Southern mom { 11.15.10 at 2:15 pm }

WOW KM, sensitive much???
I was very clear how much I appreciate everything you bring to the table, however I also know what I need to do and when. If that offends you then I’m sorry, I guess it would be best if I didn’t speak my mind and tell the truth about what people post to me.
Thank you for your input and thank you for your prayers.
sm out!

492 Stu { 11.15.10 at 2:56 pm }

Hi everybody. I am just now catching up on all your posts.

Last Thursday I had a panic attack of sorts and went out an bought some vodka. I drank it up, then some more Friday morning. That “panic” may have been related to the fact I gave the pot up last Tuesday. The pot I smoked for the last month or two was REAL good. I call it jaw dropping, make you Alzheimer’s stupid and depressed weed. Sounds great huh?

I decided to put it aside, hopefully for good. Well with all that excitement I thought it would be a good idea to score thirty hydros to mellow me out, which I did. Those are all gone. I gave some to my girlfriend, who was so drunk and high last night she almost burned me and her house down. Oops.

I called her this morning to check on her since I didn’t hear about her burning up on the news this morning after I left. The knuckle head.

I think I may have finally learned my lesson. Although I am still tempting God Joe.

Reading John tonight sounds great, whoever said they were going to do that. I am doing it.

I am committed to no drugs or alcohol tonight. You guys know I have been switching around from pills, to pot, to booze. I am clean today, it’s about 5 PM. No matter if I have to stay up all night, nothing tonight.

I only took five 7.5’s all day yesterday, so I don’t think I will get the crawlies. I went for a long swim to get some of the energy released.

So, there you have it. Thanks for the support and understanding. Hopefully I will write tomorrow with some TRUE clean time.

Love

493 Kitty Mom { 11.15.10 at 3:05 pm }

SM – so sorry
KM

494 Joe { 11.16.10 at 1:50 am }

Hey Now,

Good Morning everyone.

Hope all is well, for everybody.

Metoo–back, and sounding better than ever, God the calm and energy you bing. Wowza, I love it. Then again I love you, and anything you post is JOY

Seems as though those feelings are out front this week. Love that also.

I mean is there anything more endearing than some grown-ups trying to figure out how to deal with their feelings.

It is the most awesome thing in the world.

Feelings, man they are so powerful, they drive me that is for sure.

This time, in an effort to not go back to dope. I do just one thing different with my feelings.

I accept them.

Like, Yeah I;m angry….But I’m not gonna use.

Or, Yeah I am so stressed out and full of anxiety I could run away for ever. But I’m not gonna use.

Or, I am so lonely it actually hurts..But I’m not gonna use

Or i am so self obssesed, I can’t even think about you…But I’m not gonna use.

Or I hate my past…But I;m not gonna use.

I am burning with lust…But I’m not gonna use

I am sad…But I’m not gonna use

I am so Excited…But I;m not gonna use

I am full of Joy..But I’m not gonna use

I feel connected with God..But I’m not gonna use.

See taking Dope was my response to feelings, that is how it worked for me.

Well because I NEVER thought I could handle all these deep deep feelings. Without dope.

While this has not gone away, it has gotten better.

Feelings still fuck me up, man.

And by not using the feeling either passes or gets satisfied.

Mostley it passes,

I can’t get no satisisfaction, but I try and try and I try,

So I for one am aware of the feelings…I love em, and would never trade one of them in. For some dope.

Hope. I hope. I hope, oh boy do I hope.

Love

495 Stu { 11.16.10 at 8:48 am }

I got my twenty four hours. Slept fairly well, but my pillow was soaking this morning so I guess I had the night sweats.

Fear, anger and self-pity are the killer emotions for me Joe. I tend to want to use at all of them.

I picked up the first white chip in a couple of years last night in front of a crowd of about one hundred of my friends at an AA meeting. Hopefully this is the start of some true clean time.

I am optimistic, but a little exhausted.

Working around the office today and then may go in for a workout.

496 Kitty Mom { 11.16.10 at 1:44 pm }

This is a message I wrote at my work desk this morning but I could not send it for some reason – so I sent it Email to myself and then copied it here….here we go!

Hey Everyone ,
Today is the first day of the rest of my life – and I am living it without pills – Can you believe it folks – September, October, and now November, I am living life to the fullest with a great set of friends here for support without pills. Kitty is going to pat herself on the back this morning and have a great and productive day, physically and mentally. Joe – I loved your post as usual. I have been thinking – dope dulled all the feelings – bad and good and now the feelings are coming to the surface. I feel fortunate to be feeling again. Joe, I feel very happy to have met you on here – you really have such wisdom about addiction and it is so hopeful to me. Besides, I am honored to have you as a friend and thank you for being non judgemental – direct when you need to be – to show me the way. God is doing a tremendous job using you as a vessel to help others.

Metoo you are always a ray of sunshine in an otherwise cloudy day and I value your friendship more than you will ever know. In your busy and changing life, please stay with us and join us in our trials and tribulations. Stu, thanks for your honesty and thanks for keep coming back. I am here to listen and help in any way I can. Sometimes, as I write, I think that everything I say sounds like bullshit, but I really mean all of it from the bottom of my heart – you see Kitty has no ulterior motives – honestly!!!!

I just hope that I can help one other person like all of you have helped me….I am so grateful for you.
One day closer to my birthday folks…..and to my procedure. Please keep me in your prayers for that – this has been going on for a while now and I am afraid one of these days it is going to get me!

Kitty – praising God for friends like you all
Sipping some Chi Tea at my desk at work
Love to all of you – unconditionally

Now I am home – just stopped at Home Depot for some flowers for my winter garden – and am going to plant them before it gets dark out there……I am so excited about Thanksgiving..you are invited to sit on the porch Thanksgiving morning for some apple of pumpkin pie and coffee…….Love You
KM – feeling better thanks to no dope and friends like you
Post Script – Thanks Metoo!

497 metoo { 11.16.10 at 2:31 pm }

Hey, Kitty Mom…just a quick question!! Have you ever tried Yerba Mate???? IT IS YUMMY!!!!! I drink a few cups of it every morning!!! I bet you would love it and it’s so good for you too!!!

More later when I stop to think for a minute!! :) I love you guys all…and I wonder how our lil dove is….and suzy….?

498 Joe { 11.17.10 at 1:38 am }

Hey Now,

Kitty-doing alittle processing at work, love it. That’s the absoultly JOY of this thread, it goes with me. I mean since May of 09, this baby has served as my stream of living water.

It always quinches my thirst.

I’m sure I could find this stream other places, other boards. meetings, church.

But i stay right here.

I get it all, right here. I see the Miracle of Thec Call, I see the Joy and Pain of the Choice and I see the agony and relief of Justification and the wonder of Glorification…

The Process man, right here being played out in front of me, it is part of me, it is SO MUCH BIGGER than me.

It is beyond AWESOME.

Some word for you, it is my Holiday Focus..2010

and whom he foreordained, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified.

I really believe this is the process. I just have to let it happen. Do my part and carry the message.

If you DO NOT want drugs to control your actions, you don’t have to. There is another way, I’m here..Hope you can join me.

Metoo or is MoreLater(just kidding) I love when you give us a little Metoo tease, A little trailer. I love the anticapation of the post, the build up. Good stuff.

Kitty-the fact that you call me friend, warms me up all over. It makes me feel special, I never really felt special before. But trust me sister, Every ounce of Glory is Jesus Christ’s, He does the work, I just reap the wages. It’s cool like that.

I wish I could reach a point where my only motive was the well being of others, I pray for that. But i got other motivators still, other needs and wants that I get met here, But you know. I’m working on it.

God i wish I wasn’t so fleshy.

Fear not Kitty, about your procedure..I am sending healing vibes your way. I am removing all doubt at this moment and I pray. Father, watch over Kitty. Amen.

Stu my man–Nice to see you, Gigantic step picking up that coin. Personally i never got the whole time thing in NA, I was a faithful member and reaped alot of knowledge there, it had very little impact on my addiction.
The fellowship always kinda freak me out.
And the use of time, clean time as some type of pass/fail system. Jesus I often wonder how many dead addicts are dead because of a coin or a keytag.

I won’t get on my soapbox here. If it works for you. I LOVE it.

It just did not keep me clean. And if it doesn’t do that, Then I have a hard time justifying it.

Now I use the 12 steps as my path. Along with the Bible. I need both of those TOOLS to get 24 hours clean, which oh by the way is all any of us GET.

Southern Mom–How’s it going, I miss you, I hoe you come around.

Yeah and LIL DOVE–God I miss her.

And everyone out there trying to do this lofe, make it through man, Thanks.

And God, thank you for keeping me alive, to see this part of your wonder.

Love

499 Stu { 11.17.10 at 7:51 am }

Joe I appreciate what you are saying about the coins or chips in AA/NA. I have felt “a part from” at times because of them and that routine.

I got my white chip more as a symbol of my commitment to sobriety this time than anything else.

I can see how they can kill addicts if viewed in the wrong way.

There are people in meetings picking up multi-year chips that I would not want what they have. Dishonest, judgmental, on and on.

One guy, I may have mentioned awhile back, “borrowed” fifty dollars from a friend of mine about a year ago. She barely makes minimum wage. He’s got multi-year sobriety and has not lifted a finger to pay her, even after she asked.

If that was me I would wake up every morning thinking about that debt until it was paid off. I have two days, he has fifteen years. The girl is a close friend of mine and is precious. She’s the one I mentioned in a post or two ago that is having trouble. Joe, you would want this girl as a girlfriend. Anybody would. She’s just that way. I am not talking sexual here either. Emotional. It doesn’t hurt she’s real cute though.

The last thing in the world she needs is some asshole in recovery f***ing her over.

Another guy told me at a meeting that you don’t have shit until you have at least ten years. That life will suck until then. Good God if that’s the way it is maybe I should go ahead and end it all right now. JUST KIDDING!

Today is the start of day three, truly CLEAN. No pills, booze or pot. I slept fitfully, but I slept. My shirt was so wet from the night sweats that I had to change it when I woke up. I hope I never have to go though this again.

I have been reading Mere Christianity, by CS Lewis before I go to bed. It is a great way to drift off into a good place. Last nights chapter was on forgiveness and “love thy neighbor as thyself”. Some really good reading.

Kitty Mom, I am praying for you girl. Good luck with the procedure.

Bye for now About Junkies.

500 metoo { 11.17.10 at 9:53 am }

Hey, folks!!!
Kitty Mom, I think this is really weird, but I have had the procedure you will be having too!! You’ll be just fine, girl….it’s just a simple procedure. BUT!! MILK IT!!! You make that fine man you’re married to tow the mark and walk the line!! (where IS johnny cash..lol) It’s a good reason to spend some time taking care of YOU. I also remember when I had mine done that I did go a bit nuts~~thinking the worst~~and please, KM, don’t go too far down that road. Archangel Raphael will be sent to you from me….watch for GREEN to jump out at you. Seriously!! That’s his color. If you could, wear some green to the appointment too…??

Stuart! I think you’re “the shit”!!!! Good for you to take the token….I am proud of you, taking the steps to help yourself. I believe in you, my friend….

JOE!!! You live in Houston??? Hee!! I have family there. Maybe someday we will cross paths!!! And all the Floridian’s here~~I am going to come knocking at your doors when my ship is sailing!! (No plans right now, but SOON!!!) I wish I lived closer to the port cities. I’d be on a cruise every weekend if I could afford it!!

K, so now I have to type some about me. Geez, you guys…CHANGE. I am facing it head on. Any day now, we will have a closing on our business, and then I’m out of my “current” home. This really scares me. If any of you have any extra prayers of peace, comfort, serenity, security, FAITH that you could send my way, I will be forever indebted. I hope this change doesn’t kill me before I get the chance to make it. I need to feel hungry and eat, instead of nervous and skipping meals. I need to look at this as a great beginning, a new chapter, a CHANCE….instead of being scared shitless. It’s crunch time.

LOL~~~MORE LATER!!! (just for Joe…hee hee!!!)

501 metoo { 11.17.10 at 10:05 am }

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7RPCFfudmU

A classic. A favorite. Just like all of you, past and present who have visited or still visit this board…thanks for being friends.

502 Stu { 11.17.10 at 12:25 pm }

Good Lord metoo. I cried all the way through that song. What’s that all about??

Thanks for song. It’s beautiful.

503 Kitty Mom { 11.17.10 at 3:48 pm }

Ahhhh what a happy ending to this day finding all your posts here. And, Metoo, that is one of my all time favorite songs – I think I even mentioned it in posts gone by…And that video of my James is the best…forgot how much I love the man!
Stu – keep up the good work honey….day three and a token to boot. I don’t know much about AA or NA, but it works for ya my friend, go for it. You can do this. I am so proud of you for your keep going attitude and for fortitude in this battle we are all up against….all in the same boat we are – we are!

New name I came up with in my mixed up thoughts.
Junkie Junction
Here is where we enter scared and lost and grow in friendship and love, and never leave because we find a connection that we can’t find in the real world…and an understanding that anything is possible here….anything at all.
Thanks for the love and concern about my procedure coming up. I appreciate it and will be probably scurrying around like a muscrat in heat before you know it. (where did that come from).
Metoo, I will most certainly keep you in my prayers on your closing and moving – Wow, things are getting close…did not know you already sold the business….Good for you…over that nect little bump in the road, you will find your true happiness…you go girl!
Joe – I really need to take time to get over to that bible study – I read some John over the weekend, but sorry to day have not given Him (the Lord) the glorification that He deservices. I have been to much into the daily life that I have not had for so long. Do you think He understands?????
Well, Clyde two-balls in climbing up my good red sofa in my den and I still have to make cranberry/orange sauce and pumpkin bread for our work feast tomorrow so I will close for now . See you all tomorrow by friends.
lOVE YOU guys unconditionally
See you all tomorrow
Be there or Be square!
Kitty

504 joe { 11.18.10 at 2:46 am }

Hey Now,

Daily Posting.

It is just the best. I think back to last year where weeks would go by and it would be just me and my thoughts here. God, how I ever stayed clean through that is a MIRACLE.

Today, I awake with anticipation. Not for Dope, but for the love and warmth of you guys.

I just want to say Thanks, man.

And just for the record, my hair loks just like JT’s in that viedo, sans a few grays of course. I have not got a haircut since i got clean.

I love my hair, for years I had to keep it short to play the part, of an enterprising on the rise coperate go getter.

I lived the dobule life-man that was so tiring. I was always taking and selling more dope so I could then sell more mortgages and stocks,and credit cards.

The funny thing is, at the core both of those worlds were very similar.

And you know what, i don’t want to be part of either.

I love this new kingdom I found. It is so refreshing to care.

My thoughts on my friends.

Stu-Easy Does it brother, It is kinda awesome to watch God pursue you. He just keeps on calling. You know St. Augustine said.

“God love us, like we are the only one he has to love.”

For me, that has been what is all about.

Singing a new Song…

The Old God I knew, wasn’t God at all, just another creation out of my addict mind. Of course i did not want to call upon that God, he was out to get me. Or had just given up on me, or I was burning in hell. So yeah reley on that God, no sir. I’ll go it alone.

Now think about that for just a second. That is the insanity of step 2.

Today, I am 100% sure of this.

GOD IS LOVE.

That simple truth is my mustard seed of faith. And most days I gotta poke around to find it.

Metoo-Change, I mean that is LIFE. In my study of the operation of God, or the manifistation of his gift, the Holy Spirit. I have been introduced to this truth.

Life is always followed by motion.

God is the giver of Life.

He touched you, literally broke through the rift and touched you, somewhere along the line, the Holy Spirit was given you.

Your choice to move is not really yours.

The fact that you are in motion, just PROVES the fact. GOD IS LOVE,

Now some will move from city to city. Others from lonliness to companionship, others from one state of being to another state. i.e using dope to getting clean.

He moves in mysterious ways.

But he Moves. Thus we move.

So go ahead and get your move on. Girl, Just keep us posted. I love to watch the master at work.

Kitty-may I please have a slice of that pumpkin bread. And yes he understands. Again, you are in prepetual motion my dear, The spirit is so alive in you. Ouch. I just like to get close and watch you go. It a blast.

I thought I was a pretty energetic dude, but you got me beat big time.

I just pray you take some time to chill, and get to know Kitty and let someone do for you. Sometime accepting Love is harder than Giving Love.

Anyway my Amigos and Amigas ,

Enjoy the motion, get up and get moving.

505 Stu { 11.18.10 at 9:03 am }

Start day four, for real.

It feels good to finally be honest about this deal, no other mood altering drugs to fall back on and no lurking notions about them either.

Sleep didn’t come easy last night but I avoided the temptation of Ambien. You guys know what those do to me, depression times about five. I tossed and turned until 3 AM then got what I guess was sleep.

The good news is the night sweats have abated. I kept my window open and the room temp was about 40, so that probably helped me from “overheating”.

Joe, you are a lucky guy to have the kind of job you have, especially coming from one you hated. I am self employed in a white collar job. Business has fallen off a cliff for me and it’s hard not to get real depressed about it.

It’s not bad when money is coming in, but sucks to work my ass off and get zero pay. It sounds like at least you are bringing in a pay check. I can get overwhelmed by it if I am not careful. Fear turns into terror. The heart rate starts racing and I look for something to “slow me down”.

I quit taking my pulse. My goal for now is just make it thirty days. Somehow I believe if I can do that my perspective will start changing. I do in fact have a lot to be grateful for and have it a hell of a lot better than most.

And I have YOU GUYS as a support network. What a lucky guy!

I am still reading the CS Lewis before bed. That’s pretty heady stuff, but great.

Last nights read was on Pride, according to him the huge grand daddy of character flaws. The way he lays it out makes sense.

Pride being acting like a pig, wanting more just to show other people you are better. Not to be confused with being proud of a job well done, that’s good.

As I write this a big request for quote just came in. Maybe God is answering some of my prayers after all.

506 metoo { 11.18.10 at 9:28 am }

He’s ALWAYS listening, Stuart…dang. I’m smiling over here!!!!
I love you, Stu. :)

507 Kitty Mom { 11.18.10 at 2:24 pm }

Stu – God bless you big time – you are on day four and I am here routing for you just as others routed for me. Sleep or the lack of it was the biggest pain in the ass I encountered and I thought I would never get through it….but now my sleep patterns are back to normal again. Biggest Hurdle = Sleep Good luck my friend. You are doing so phenominal…Don’t let the weekend get to you.
Hey Joe – you can have a piece of that pumpkin bread on the porch tomorrow for my birthday….Wow you have JT hair – Great – I remember when I did not trust a guy with short hair! Cool!!! Dude!!!!
I am now off for three days – work two – then off for six….can’t beat that huh folks. Loving it!!!
Our thanksgiving feast at work was great today and I have enough food left over to feed the hub for dinner so I can play instead of cook dinner. This is the first holiday in years that I have not been worried about how many pills I have left to get through the holiday…no pills this holiday…just celebration of our Lord Jesus Christ’s birthday and our salvation.
I have not been to Church since Easter and sometimes I miss it but I must say that I am filled with the Holy Spirt administered to me by friends, nature, and life itself so once again I hope He understands. I enjoy going to church on Christmas Eve though and probably will do the candlelight service – it is so Awesome. I go to a little country Methodist Church – no frills – just country folk. It is really an awesome little church…but when our last minister left, I kind of left with him…haven’t been back much…can’t adjust.

Metoo – Glad you stopped in for a Metoo minute…haha. E-mail me the details to the tea or whatever it was you mentioned. I would like to hear about it.
After my procedure tomorrow, I will let you all know how it went. Doubt if it will be a hoot or anything like that..lol! But I hope it won’t be too bad.
Where is our lil dove at…lil dove if you are lurking on here, please write something…if not, I still pray that your life will turn around.
Well my pups and kitty cats – until tomorrow!
Love you all unconditionally.
DDKM

PS – wonder if we will know each other in heaven some day!

508 Metoo { 11.18.10 at 8:28 pm }

Happy birthday, DDKM!!!!! I hope this is the best birthday year EVER!!!!!! I celebrate you today, my dear friend!!!!

Today, I am asking Archangel Raphael to be at your side….here is a novena I located online for you. May all who read it invoke the presence of Raphael to accompany KittyMom today, and guide her progress through this procedure…to complete and total health and happiness!!!!

Novena to St. Raphael The Archangel

Glorious Archangel St. Raphael, great prince of the heavenly court, you are illustrious for your gifts of wisdom and grace. You are a guide of those who journey by land or sea or air, consoler of the afflicted, and refuge of sinners. I beg you, assist KittyMom in all her needs and in all the sufferings of this life, as once you helped the young Tobias on his travels. Because you are the medicine of God,” I humbly pray you to heal the many infirmities of her soul and the ills that afflict her body. I especially ask of you the favor of granting total health and healing to my friend, KittyMom, and the great grace of purity to prepare her to be the temple of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

St. Raphael, of the glorious seven who stand before the throne of Him who lives and reigns, Angel of health, the Lord has filled your hand with balm from heaven to soothe or cure our pains. Heal or cure the victim of disease. And guide our steps when doubtful of our ways.
Archangel Raphael, please be with my friend, KittyMom, and bestow the blessings of Heaven to all those who read this…

Thank you, KittyMom, for gracing us with your presence!!!!!! You ROCK THIS FORUM!!!! :D Happy birthday, kiddo…

509 joe { 11.19.10 at 1:53 am }

Hey Now,

Ain;t no Birthday, Like a Kitty Mom Birthday. The novena was sung for the glory of your soul Kitty. Oh and by the way, Next month on Dec 14th my birthday, I do will be have some test done. See one of the perks of union membership at the plant is you get your Birthday off with pay, every year. Sweet.

This year my Dr. wants me to have a Live test done, and seeing as this will be a day off, I get to spend my birthday checking out my liver.

The liver is a pretty imprtant organ. And I abused mine. So far the tests are good, this is the final one.

Remember kids, Vicodin contains tylenol, abusing tylenol can cause liver damage.

It really impacts normal liver function when you like to wash it down with a Jack on the rocks.

Here is to OUR health today.

Now let;s head out on that porch, cut a hefty peice of that pumpkin bread, I brought some Kona Blue Hiawian Coffee, to wash it down with.

Now close your eyes Kitty….I got a song for you,

and Happy Birthday,

First my Irish Birthday wish for ya,

May you be in Hevan a half hour before the devil knows your dead, lassie.

and a song…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=favgoOn-U1I&feature=related

I love it when God let’s me hear what he sound like.

Now put on that party dress…..Happy Birthday.

Thank you from the bottom of my soul,
Joe

510 Stu { 11.19.10 at 8:42 am }

Happy birth day Kittymom!! Have a great one. I usually take the whole weekend to celebrate.

Joe – great point on the liver damage due to Tylenol in Vics and Norco. I sure have gone over the “toxic” level in a day. Reading some of the posts here, I am sure not alone.

Combine that with a jelly jar glass full of Kettle One and you really have a kick in the old liver. My buddy waiting on a liver transplant list can testify to that too. He’s on dialysis too.

With all the discussion on withdrawal here, (appropriate for this site), there isn’t much mention of our good friend the liver. It’s vital.

They tell me a liver can repair itself to a degree from alcohol abuse, not so with the Tylenol. It KILLS the liver. No repair possible.

I have tried over the years to help it out with diet. Abstinence is the best prevention though.

I am starting day five for real. I am still having trouble sleeping. That sounds like a broken record I know. Maybe I should wait until I get some good sleep. THAT would be news.

I have started putting little pink stars on the days I went sober. (I have a pink pen for some accounting I do). It’s nice to have four down, no nothing.

I am off for my noon swim with some buddies. They are a lot younger and stronger than me, but pull me along. It’s fun, but it hurts. Hurts good.

Wish me luck this weekend. I have trouble with these.

511 Stu { 11.19.10 at 8:49 am }

So sad. I just go word my buddy waiting on a liver won’t need it after all. He died last night.

This deal is for real. It kills.

Oh man, I miss that guy already. His wife and daughter do too.

512 metoo { 11.19.10 at 10:24 am }

Hey, Stuart…you have my sympathy on the loss of your friend. Please do something FOR US HERE ON THE BOARD this weekend. Please stay sober this weekend FOR US. I know that things like your friend’s death can take their toll, so just for now, please, PUT IT ON US. Stay strong FOR US. Does this make any sense to anyone but me? Put us all in your back pocket, Stu, and LET US CARRY YOU THROUGH this!!!

You will be in my prayers especially over this weekend, Stu. You’re one of my peeps. I am thankful. Stay sober, my friend…

For your friend:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtmAVGPEPSI

513 Jamie { 11.19.10 at 12:01 pm }

Don’t know you, Stu, and never posted here before, but just wanted to offer my condolences. I know how hard it is to lose someone, and the things it makes you want to do. The last 10 years I have lost sooo many people who meant so much to me. Just stay strong and think about the good times, and know that there are people in your corner rooting for you and praying for you.

Once again, my sincere condolences on the loss of your friend
Jamie

514 Southern mom { 11.19.10 at 2:58 pm }

Stu,
I have followed your voyage on this site, I am so sorry about the loss of your friend. I know this is huge kick in the nuts for you right now. Metoo is right, come to this site, you have friends here that care for you so much, let them all be your crutch through this time. I also want to offer my shoulder to lean on and I will be praying for you through these difficult days.
I know this is the absolute worst way to learn a lesson, I mean it really sucks, but you can learn from this.
You have friend rocking for you up there now and that is a true blessing.
I am praying for God to wrap you in His warm and loving embrace.
sm

515 Kitty Mom { 11.19.10 at 3:25 pm }

Hey everyone – thank you so much for all the birthday wishes – I am so blessed to have you all.
Stu before I get carried away here, I am so very sorry for your loss. Man that really sucks my friend. You now have someone to watch your back up there in heaven and you have us here on earth so, please, please, go on to day six seven and eight and not have to start all over again on Monday. I will keep you in my prayers this weekend…and once again, I am really sorry for your loss.
The prodedure went well but it hurt like a bitch! The Dr said I had a good sized lesion whateever that means but he was pretty positive that this will take care of IT. Metoo, your guardian angel really helped. When I was in the doctor office, I held that angels hand tight and before I knew it – over and done and on my way home…so thank you my friend for your prayers and arch angle.
Hey Jamie – hang in there. About taking the pill – we all have gone through this…I was the worst …I could not have quit with even one pill left in the house – I would hunt it down and take it , even if if meant crawling on my hands and knees to see if there was one somewhere under the bed.
Joe – thanks for the birthday song and the well wishes for my birthday. We are celebrating tomorrow because I won’t be feeling that great tonight, but I did have that pumpkin bread on the porch this morning with the coffee you sent my way….enjoyed the shit out of it!
Southern Mom – hope you are doing good on your taper and that your new support system will get you through it and on the road to the new super-duper supermom southern mom…haha. Just think of all you will accomplish!!!!
Love you fellas and gals
U N C O N D I T I O N A L L Y
DDKM – no longer DD

PS – nice to be sober today!

516 Southern mom { 11.19.10 at 4:00 pm }

KM,
You really have a good heart. I know that I have probably hurt your feelings with my words, that’s what this addict does and I know it sucks and I am truly sorry.
Your kind words for everyone is inspirational, here you are going through surgery and you put your pain aside to comfort others (very Mother Theresa-ish :-) I like the new acronym
“SDSSM” too funny almost sounds illegal!
I hope you are feeling better today, I prayed right along side metoo, I don’t do the bible or the novenas, but I do feel I have a good relationship with the only Father I know and He loves you more than everyone put together. I love the vision of your holding hands with the angels metoo sent. Very visual, very comforting.
Gotta go feel the doggies
ttys
sm

517 joe { 11.20.10 at 1:39 am }

Hey Now–

Stu-Vibes for you my firend. I know the feeling of loss all to well.

That’s the thing about addiction right, the old, well that can’t happen to me, as if the consequenses of our actions were not real. They are. Jails, Institutions and Death. That my brother are the only outcomes of active use in an addict.

On the flip side, is the troubling fact that addicts seem to think the consequences and blessings of stopping are not real either.

They are. I know you had a long period of soberity, and I know that getting up is beyond impossible.

And that’s just it brother, You (addict stu, will never get up).

HOWEVER, AND HEAR THIS BROTHER. THE NEW STU CAN AND WILL.

THE NEW STU HAS 6 DAYS, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TODAY IS NO DOPE NO MATTER WHAT.

PERIOD.

THAT’S IT.

THAT’S ALL THAT IS REQUIRED.

THE CRITICAL THING TO REMEMBER HERE IS, YES GOD WILL LOVE YOU KNOW LESS IF YOU SPEND THE WEEKEND SICK, CAUSE YOU KNOW THE HIGHS ARE LONG GONE.

YOU ARE AT THE POINT IN THE DISEASE WHERE YOU HAVE SICK DAYS AND HEALTHY DAYS,

THE POINT OF THIS IS, YOU MISS OUT.

THE BLESSINGS ARE REAL.

LIFE IS BETTER THAN YOUR WILDEST DREAM. THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS REAL STU, VERY REAL, AND YOUR NEEDED, IT AIN’T A PARTY WITHOUT YOU,

LIKE THE SONG SAYS,

PEOPLE GET READY
THERE IS A TRAIN A COMMING
YOU DON’T NEED NO BAGGAGE
JUST CLIMB ON BOARD.

STU–CAN’T YOU HERE THE DIESEL COMMING.

IT IS NOT A MORAL ISSUE–IT IS A HEALTH ISSUE

BIG BIG DIFFERENCE THER BUDDY.

LOVE AND HAPPINESS.

518 Stu { 11.20.10 at 4:55 am }

Thanks for the condolences, kind thoughts and prayers. I have been hanging out some at a facebook page they set up for friends of my buddy to post. He was an active outdoorsman and there are some great shots being posted.

He’s up in heaven with some other friends of mine right now. The last one that went before him probably has a half gallon of bourbon and a big glass waiting. I guess God lets you drink in heaven. If not, they probably asked to be relocated.

Kittymom, so glad your procedure went well. Have a great birthday.

Metoo, you should be getting close to your move, sans the weight of your business. I wonder sometimes what it would be like to put mine down. That may happen regardless with this economy, but it’s all I have ever done. To tell you the truth it would scare the heck out of me.

Joe – man thanks for the encouragement and truth that you write. For me it’s ALL about staying sober. Last night my kid mouthed off and did some really irritating stuff. He’s got some special needs and I really should cut him extra slack. I got SUPER pissed. As usual my wife came to his defense.

Normally that would have set up a strong urge to take a pill or go get a bottle of vodka. From there into my garage to get drunk and high. (My garage has a TV, sofa, fridge and big trash can. It’s my hide away and place I do most of my using).

Well, last night instead I went to the bedroom, read and then went to sleep. My wife and I sleep in separate bedrooms so I can get some privacy there if I need it.

This morning I feel pretty good, although I had the crawlies real bad at about 2 last night. I thought they were all gone. Guess not. They came back with a vengeance.

Start day six AJ. I hope to get a run in this morning then hit an AA meeting at ten and sit down with a guy who has what I want sobriety wise to do some talking.

Thanks again About for all the support.

519 Stu { 11.20.10 at 5:08 am }

One more thing. As long as there’s songs being posted, I want to post this one for this morning. It’s a song that has a lot of meaning for me.

I don’t think there is any video of it, but maybe you could sing it to yourself.

“In my life” The Beatles

“There are places I remember …..”

520 Metoo { 11.20.10 at 6:48 am }
521 Southern mom { 11.20.10 at 12:19 pm }

For those of you that pray…I really could use your prayers now!!! Having a really rough time of it today and this holiday week with the family is going to be brutal.
I appreciate anything you can send my way!
sm

522 Metoo { 11.20.10 at 4:56 pm }

You got it, SM!!
I needed to check in tonight to see if KittyMom had posted…and I see not. KittyMom, please let us know how you are doing today~~I hope you are well after the procedure!!! I am thinking of you, and praying for you!!
May there be peace and happiness in all of our individual worlds this weekend…”Thank you, Lord, for giving me all these wonderful friends….”

523 Kitty Mom { 11.21.10 at 3:31 am }

Metoo – I am OK. I fell asleep on the couch after I got home from my beautiful birthday dinner last night. We had a lovely time and when I got home I started watching The Titanic movie on TV and fell asleep. I wanted to post yesterday but was either busy out with my husband or laying on the couch with a little cramping. Thanks for your prayers and concerns. I am so blessed to have you as a friend.
Stu, I hope you are doing as well as can be expected this weekend and are staying strong in your sobriety journey. That restless feeling at night is a bitch, but it does go away eventually. You can do it with God’s help. Put yourself in His hands. Let him carry you for a while.
SDSSM – Holidays are rough and this will be the first for me without pills. So, I know what you mean. I truly pray that you will make it through and when you get to the other side of the holidays will be closer to being pill free. My sister, you will get there. My prayers are especially for you and Stu this weekend – that the two of you will find a way to become pill and alcohol free and be happy and comfortable in your new reality….your new normal. And, as always, my prayers are also with Metoo and Joe (and me) in our continued journey to stay clean.
It is early for my post today – 6:26 AM Sunday morning. Little two ball clyde was climbing all over me so I had to get up. Going to make coffee now and maybe watch a movie – will sit on the porch when daylight breaks.
Love you guys – have a great Sunday
Kitty Mom

524 Stu { 11.21.10 at 6:29 am }

You have my prayers SM. I can relate to trouble coming on the holidays.

My bro is coming up to visit and he drinks a lot. I won’t go into some of the “bad house guest” things he has done in mixed company. He’s a black out drunk and “walks in his sleep”.

I am feeling stronger this morning than quite awhile. I did make it clean yesterday, so today starts day seven, again “for real”.

I will quit saying that soon, but for now it’s nice for me to remember I have no mood altering drugs in me whatsoever. It is big for me.

As a side note, I sure am not judging or suggesting to anyone out there that a little substitution in the early stages of withdrawal is not good.

As long as the end plan is not to become dependent on those. Anything within reason to help one trough the first few days is cool, I believe. Pot, alcohol, (for the non alkie) even the valium/xanex type drugs for a few days.

It’s just good for me to be totally clean. It does make a difference.

God is really starting to lay things out for me.

Yesterday I was told some things by a guy that’s helping me stay sober. That went right in line with my CS Lewis read last night.

CSL explains what “love thy God” means. That’s do His will. If you don’t know what His will is will is, which I don’t, just act like you do.

Make it up as you go along. That’s good enough. And on the other side of the coin, don’t do the things you know are not his will.

Obsession and infatuation for the wrong things would qualify for that. And chasing those, obviously.

I am starting to believe that as long as I am walking hand in hand with God, doing what I think he would have me do, I won’t be near as tempted by the tricks my mind plays on me to use.

I really do feel good this morning.

Oh, and Jamie. It’s nice to see you on this part of the board. I read some of your earlier posts over at the other. Bull rider and race car driver, huh? Cool. And you’re a girl too? Wow. (So sorry if I misread the gender, but somehow I got that.).

Bull riding is one thing I wish I would have tried in my younger days.

I have a buddy like me, a city boy, who tried it once. He’s one of my best friends. Out of shape, never lived on a farm or been around rodeo.

He said it was sheer terror for the half second he rode one at a rodeo. Sounds like fun. Tee hee. Anyway, thanks for the condolences on my buddy.

525 Metoo { 11.21.10 at 9:58 am }

Stu, I am so happy that you are feeling stronger “for real” today!!! Today, I am celebrating YOU, my friend. I am most pleased that you are making it through the weekend sober, and that you ARE walking hand in hand with God. I also loved the “summary” of the CSL thing, and I concur wholeheartedly. I believe it is up to each of us to decipher what God would have us do in any situation~~if we try to see things through His eyes, and act accordingly, we can’t get too far off the track! He lives in each of us~it is up to us to draw Him out…to bring Him to the surface, and act on it. I just read something similar, ironically, on Joe’s bible study. We hear what is right resonating in our souls, and then we need to be “doers”. One without the other means nothing. Congrats, Stu, on listening, hearing and acting it out. You’re winning this thing!!!

This song came into my head this morning…it was a favorite of mine when I was a teenager. God, that seems so long ago now. Looking forward to the changes in my life, I had a conversation with a wonderful friend yesterday who pointed out to me the obvious path that God is showing me for my life. This friend believes I have been called to help others through life’s transitions and situations. I know from the depths of my soul that she is right. I am now centered on praying that God will indeed help me. I will listen to His plan, and I will do my best to follow the steps that I need to take to BE a doer. Please pray, my friends, that the path unfolds in front of me, so that I can be truly whom He wants me to be…. Thanks…!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4kJolw0fd8

526 Southern mom { 11.21.10 at 11:34 am }

Hello everyone;
KM thank you for words of encouragement and support, I write these thoughts in a journal I keep with me all the time and when it gets tough (and boy does it ever get tough) I read these words and I feel like I have someone sitting right beside me, holding my hand and taking each and every step with me. I thank you so much.
Stu, my “new and improved” friend (yes, I know I sound like a commercial thus the “”") Your words and prayers mean a lot to me, you are going through your own “hell” yet you still have words of encouragement for others. In my book that makes you an angel, God sent to this site and I thank you too.
Joe, you morning posts are like taking a walk with God every morning. You have such insight and prfound thoughts, I am in awe of the talent you have to put your feelings out there for everyone to take away whatever they need. You are a web-site minister and your thoughts and words reach out and touch everyone!
Metoo YEP!!!
I am glad that you are sharing your goals and paths with everyone. You have a gift and God gave you that gift and now you are so blessed to be able to use that gift for the thing you do best! Helping and supporting others. I am almost speechless at the thought of you using your blessed gift and doing God’s work. I feel so fortunate that I have been a recipient of your gift and I am so excited for those who are going to feel and live your goals in God’s path for you.
OK I have started my list of everything I am thankful for this year.
This web-site
All of you, Metoo, Kitty Mom, Joe, Stu and Jamie, I have never had such a huge support team in my life
My husband who still loves me after he found out that he was married to an addict and who stands by my side and is there for me whenever I need him.
My kids, no matter what, the unconditional love I have for them that keeps me alive.
My friends even though they don’t know the real me, they are with me at the gym, Bunko nights, lunches out, school activites…
My BEST buddies Beau my sheltie, Max my yorkie, Tucker my lab/bull terrior mix, Houdini the craziest cat in the world, Ben the oldest and fattest cat I have ever seen and the assorted fish and shrimp in out tank.
Most of all I thank GOD!! MY one and only Father, my joy, my heart my Savior, our relationship is the most amazing example of His love that I have ever felt!
Schmoe, how I miss you and pray you are OK.
And all those who have been or on this web-site and share and pray.
For all of this and more, I am truly Thankful!!!
I pray that God is with you and all of yours’ during this holiday time, thank you to everyone who understands how difficult the holidays can be, especially doing it sober after 13 years of being “enhanced”. My husband’s family motto is “We put the FUN in DysFunctional” and that is putting it mildly. I am going to have to do each party one day at a time (yes there are 4) Today I get all my kid’s friends 15 in all as a warm up to the rest of the week .
I’ll keep checking in to make sure everyone’s is OK.
God give us peace, strength, hope and endurance, the holiday race is on…

527 Metoo { 11.21.10 at 7:33 pm }

Mornin’, Joe!!
Thought I would drop in tonight and lay out your breakfast song!
Have a great day, my friend!!! :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0TInLOJuUM

528 Joe { 11.22.10 at 1:52 am }

Monday Morning,

Rise and Shine, folks.

Metoo–you doer you. Sweet, what a Perfect way to start my day,Great song, Great visuals.

Getting got up on the posts here. Man what a JOY, that other people come here. In complete saftey and posts their lives.

It reminds of that pool in the Bible where people would go to get healed, and when the water would stir, folks would jump in. Bethesda a think it was.

And i love the story where the invalid guy was sitting ther for 38 years, but could never get in. The history of this guy has always intruiged me.

Like how did he get to the pool in the first place.

I guess someone brought him, maybe faimly, but appearently they left him, And not one person in 38 years says, here man I help you,

At guess at some point he became content in his situation, accepted, and just hung out on his pallet,

Until.

Until Jesus comes by.

Of course Jesus hits him with a question, love it.

“”Do you want to be Healed”

The dudes response is classic, Not a no or a Yes. A reason,

Ah, I can’t get in the pool. No one will help me, and People step all over me.

Seeems a s though Jesus, looks at the cat, takes pity on him and heals him.

Man, I know what thats like.

I was that cat by the pool.

And Jesus took that same loving pitiful approach to me.

So Ladies and Gentelman, Jump on in the spirit is stiring.

No excuses.

It’s a pool party….

NewStu–come on in with your 6 wondeful days.

Metoo-Up of that lounge chair, into the water.

KittyMom, you can stop making sandwiches and take a dip.

Southermom-if you wouldn’t mind taking off those shades, you got such wonderful eyes, now into the water.

Ladies and Gentelman…The pool is Open, The water is perfect, so refreshing, AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Love

529 Stu { 11.22.10 at 6:06 am }

I got a week last night and am jumping in the pool Joe.

Let’s get started on the next week.

CSL read last night – faith. God brought me this far, so faith it is.

I am a bit achy today and suspect that will continue for another few weeks.

Small price to pay compared to what I have been through.

530 Southern mom { 11.22.10 at 7:50 am }

Good morning everyone;
I hope everyone had a great weekend. I missed church so I came to this site to “ministered to” it was almost as good, if you guys could all sing, it would be perfect.
Joe, great visual with the pool of healing.
I actually stepped out of my comfort zone and took a step twords that pool yesterday with my “dinner guests” (my son’s girlfriend and our new live -in his best friend) I actually sat down and spent time with them, listening to the talk to each other (of course it was watching a very graphic video game or a violent movie) but I still learned quite a bit.
After dinner everyone was going in the hot tub (the pool) and I usually don’t join in, but last night I did, we were all just relaxing and I started feeling very close to the kids, we just chatted about this and that. telling jokes, sharing funny stories. When my son was drining the gf home, she actually said thank you for dinner and hugged me!!! That was a first, even the boys and my daughter were very appreciative, moreso than normal AND here’s the good part, I did the whole day with no vics, yes I used the Kratom, but me taking on the turkey challenge with no vics was HUGE!!! So I finally was able to walk to the healing pool and dip a toe in. Thanks for sharing that story Joe!
Stu you are doing it!!! You are getting there, even your awareness of what you are and will be feeling is a huge step. Way to go Stu!!
Metoo and KM hope you all had a great weekend.
ttys
sm

531 Angela { 11.22.10 at 9:29 am }

Hi everyone, I have been reading all of your posts and I really think this is the place for me to be. I am 46 days clean today from abusing Vicoden for the past ten years. I have gone through the withdraw process so many times I can’t even count. This is the longest I have gone without calling the Dr or finding it from somewhere. I thought it would get easier as I got further into this but I am sitting by the phone right now thinking of calling the Dr. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I am just in this dark cloud of depression and need help getting out of it. You would think I would be happy, I have the perfect husband and three year old twin boys that I adore. It just feels like something is missing without the pills. I was doing really well until this weekend when I found out that my Grandma was presribed pretty much a never ending supply of Vicoden. I feel like I can not even go to visit her or I will be tempted to ask her for some. I know I am rambling, but this is so hard. I know that you all know this!! Anyways thanks for listening and I am going to try and stay strong.

532 metoo { 11.22.10 at 10:01 am }

Hey, Angela!! Welcome!!! This is the PERFECT place for you to be!! I sure wish Joe were here right now to talk you through the saying no process. You can be strong. I KNOW you can be strong because you ALREADY HAVE. Now you just need to STAY THE COURSE. 46 days clean didn’t come to you cheaply, did it!!? So you just stick to your guns and *walk AWAY from the phone!!!*
You can do this. I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!!

533 Southern mom { 11.22.10 at 10:25 am }

Hi Angela,
I am right there with Metoo on this! You have already overcome the majority of the hurdles, you ahould be done withdrawing and detoxing, now it’s the mental thing.
I know that you WANT what the vics give you, or you think they give you. “I fell (fill in the blank) when I’m high on vics. Now take that “fill in the blank” and replace it with you CAN do now that you aren’t taking the vics. I did this and my Can list was pages longer than High ON Vics list.
I am tapering and this isn’t the first time, the last time I detoxed I went 23 days and I was so darn happy, I felt like a huge burden had been lifted, I didn’t have to hide my awful secret and when the NEED starting to sneak in, I replaced it with a CAN and the outcome was so much rewarding.
Example, when I am using I pretty much become a hermit, I enjoy doing my own thing alone, but when I was clean I wanted to get out of the house, walk my dogs take my kids to the beach, go out with my husband all of this without worrying that I am going to need another pill soon. It was such a freedom!!!
You have come to the right place to share, talk as much for as long and often as you want, get the best advice EVER! You can be honest here with no judgement.
And the prayers, Oh Dear Lord the prayers are my lifesavers, I hear and feel them all day every day and that is also another freedom. Letting God take control, He loves us, all of us, we are His children and His love is unconditional. All you need to do is ask, and He will deliver. I love how He loves us!!!
So, Angela, I am making a new page in my prayer journal just for you, I am here for whatever you need, if I don’t know the answer, I know that someone on this site will.
Welcome home;
sm

534 Angela { 11.22.10 at 10:28 am }

Thank you for believing in me!! I know that I can stay strong, it is just so hard. I know that I am going in the right direction because for the first time in my life I am talking to someone about this. Not even my husband knows about my problem. So thanks for talking and listening.

535 metoo { 11.22.10 at 1:23 pm }

Hey, Angela…this is for you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJZ3bcPr-Ds

536 Jamie { 11.22.10 at 1:31 pm }

Angela, this place will help you so much. I’ve only been here, what going on like a week and a half/2weeks. I don’t know. But everyone on here has been soooooo helpful and great, with support and advice. You have made it through the hardest part, the withdrawals and detox. But it sounds like you have the same problem as I have and that’s the mental addiction. It is hard to retrain your way of thinking, that you don’t need a magic pill to fix everything. But with the help on here I’ve come this far in such a short amount of time, and these folks have helped me get my mind to that point where I’m like I don’t need those damn pills. I know it’s different for everyone, but we’re all here to help each other. I know how bad the depression can get, been dealing with it most of my life, so if you ever want to talk about that, I have a lot of experience in that department. Just know that we’re all in your corner, and we’re all in the same boat, we’re just on different floors lol that was a bad metaphor or something ;)

Stu, yep, I’m a girl. No worries on the misreading that gender thing. I know people don’t think female when they hear racecars and bull riding. Which is a lot of the reason I did those things, I love doing things that people say I cannot do because I’m a girl. And the best part of that has been showing up the guys who laughed at me, but then tucked their tails and hid when I was better than them. Bull riding is the ultimate adrenaline rush, 8 seconds of being wild and free on the back of a crazy wild bull, no better feeling in this world. Stu, you stay strong, brother, think of sobriety as that bull that you always wanted to try riding, grab ahold of that rope and hold on with everything you have.

I’m feeling good today and all inspirational for some reason. lol I guess it’s from having my niece this weekend, she really lifts my spirits. I made it through the weekend with my horrible tooth pain, took nothing but ibuprofen and tylenol and suffered through the pain. My fiancee wasn’t happy when I told him that I had slipped up the first day of my toothache, but he didn’t get mad or say anything to me about it, just got a look, which was probably worse than him yelling and being angry.

Southern Mom, I am thankful for you too, and Metoo, Kittymom, Joe, Stu, and everyone else on here who has shared their experiences, wisdom and support.

And Southern Mom, way to go on going the whole day with no vix! Holidays are crazy stressful, and getting through them sober, I know is a challenge. So give yourself a big pat on the back for that! You deserve some extra pie this holiday!

I will be having quite a stressful Thanksgiving, going to my uncle’s on Wednesday for dinner, will be spending the day with a bunch of old hippie potheads, which is usually funny and interesting, but the last two years I’ve had vicodin to help me deal with that circus, so this year will be twice as interesting I reckon. Traveling always kicks up my anxiety and makes me have panic attacks, but I’m trying to think positive. And Thanksgiving day, I will be cooking the whole dinner, for the first time ever. Keep your fingers crossed for me that everything comes out edible! lol

I had to make sure to post today, yesterday I was so busy. And when I realized I hadn’t posted, I was like “aw, man, I forgot to check in with my peeps!” I had a bunch of family stop by yesterday, and a cousin who despite me telling her I’m not taking vicodin anymore, left three pills here for me in case my pain got to be too much for me. I threw them in my backpack and haven’t touched them or thought about it, so progress. Spent the rest of the evening with my man, watching Dexter and catching up on our other TV programs. So aside from the pain I’ve been going through, the weekend went pretty well.

Oh, and for those of you who read about what happened with me and my girls, my dogs are okay. They both made it through that ordeal with nothing but slobber all over them. Someone was watching over the three of us that day!

Angela, really, stick around here. I promise you, these people are great, and everyone will help you along.

I’m off for now, wishing everyone a wonderful week.

Happy Trails,
Jamie

537 Kitty Mom { 11.22.10 at 3:43 pm }

Stu – congratulations on a week!!! Wow, I am so excited and proud of you. I knew you could do it and it gets a little easier doesn’t it? Celebrate – jump into that healing pool, that Joe mentioned. Just remember you are His Child. You are his beloved Son. He wants you in His presence. He calls to you. Bring all your hopes, longings, sorrows, and cares and lay them at His feet. You are welcome in the throne room and in the healing pool.
SM – I am so very proud of you too to go a whole day without the Vic’s. Each day is a triumph when you are tapering or quiting cold turkey. I remember counting the increments as minutes at times…but each time that I passed up another dose, it was something to celebrate, and each time I did not take a dose, I was healiong from the inside out, becoming that person that I was once a long time ago, that person who I did not know any longer. What a blessing from God each one of those time increments were…whether it was a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, two months….and so on and so on. Celebrate the freedom of one day without the dulling, controlling pills – celebrate the love of yourself that is returning slowly, creeping up on you, so that you no longer long, lust after, and feel the need for it any longer.
Joe – your message today was phenominal….Jesus healed even the unworthy – the downtrodden – that is where he preached….that is where he was needed the most – not in the temple, but in the streets – now He heals on the internet through friendship and love of those who are in the same boat together.
Metoo – A friend – a comrad – a sister – Love you girl – Hope you are getting all your ducks in a row for a new and loving life. You are inspiration to others and I hope with all my heart that I can be just a speck of help to you in your journey coming up.
Angela, welcome sister to our little group here…you should be proud of 47 days. Hang in there little one and you will make it with our help and that of the Lord. Jamie – OMG – I am so thankful that you and your pups are OK – Someone was looking out for your my dear. You melt my heart when you talk of the love for those “kids” of yours….Those pups are truly blessed to have a mom like you and they sound like the love of your life….and of course your fiance too – but pets love you so unconditionally (even cats sometimes if the mood). I am so in love with my new kitten, after only a few weeks, that I cannot even imagine being without him for two days while he is being neutered.
Well, all my little lads and lassies, I better go. I have a timetable for getting ready for THANKSGIVING and tonight I plan to wipe up all the floors….so times a wasting. Can’t wait till tomorrow to come back and here from you all.
Love and Kisses my friends
Kitty Mom

538 Kitty Mom { 11.22.10 at 3:58 pm }
539 Angela { 11.22.10 at 9:01 pm }

For the fist time in 46 days I sat in my living room and bawled like a baby and it felt so good. I have never talked to anyone about my addiction becasue I have been ashamed for so long. You all have welcomed me like I am part of your familyand I am actually feeling emotions that I have not felt in a long time. I am a good person and I don’t need those stupid white pills turning me into something I am not. I want to thank for all from the bottom of my heart for all of your support and kind words. Metoo–you stopped me from calling the Dr today to get more pills, but by bedtime I was already making a plan for tomorrow to call again, but I decided to get on here and see if you had posted any comments before bed. As soon as I opened the link you sent me I started bawling like a babyand still am. Don’t worry it is a good cry!!!! I am not going back to the dark side, I have come so far and I thank everyone for reminding me of that. I will see you all tomorrow for day 47.

540 Joe { 11.23.10 at 3:06 am }

Never Alone, Never Again.

WOW!!!!!!!WOW!!!!!WOW!!!!!!

I just spent the best 30 minutes of my life reading those posts.

You know, there is Great, and then there is something beyond great, I think it would be excatsy. Yeah that’s it.

Yo to open up the litlle board today and to soak in all the words, wriiten. The hearts opened, the healing. to feel it, to immerse myself in it.

You precious angles of love.

Thank you. I am now without a doubt the msot satified guy in the world. period.

My god if one more insanly powerful, incredibly beautiful, amazingly intelligent woman joins this board, I think I am going to have a fucking heart attack.

I am speechless, I am not going add a fucking word, I’m just gonna re-read all the posts and thank Jesus.

I mean there are blessings and then there are supernatural events.

I just got saok this shit in man, to my soul.

AMAZING.

PLEASE, PLEASE. I AM FUCKING BEGGING HERE, KEEP ON POSTING, METOO, KITTYMOM, SOUTHERNMOM ANGLEA, JAMIE AND STU……

I NEED YOU.

541 Jamie { 11.23.10 at 7:37 am }

We need you too!

542 Southern mom { 11.23.10 at 9:24 am }

Joe, ditto to what Jamie said!!
I hate to plagerize Metoo, but I’ll write more later :-)

543 metoo { 11.23.10 at 9:43 am }

Hahaha!! I’m just sittin’ here, smiling…. :)

Hugs to everyone!!

544 Angela { 11.23.10 at 10:45 am }

Hi everyone, hope you are all having a great day!! Joe, I have heard great things about you and your post really lifted me up this morning. I am having a great day, I have decided I am going to take each day one at a time, maybe even one hour at a time. I can’t make stupid decisions by acting on my feelings at the moment. If I am having a negative moment I know it will pass and I will move on. I will get through this just like the rest of you have.

545 metoo { 11.23.10 at 12:19 pm }

That’s the winning spirit, Angela!!! I can tell you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.
When the going gets tough, just imagine you have all of us here behind you (like your personal network…lol), and we will be right there supporting you and cheering you on. That is something that I, too, am going to use in days to come. Just the mental image that all of you folks are with me will be enough to get me through. You and the angels! :)

546 Kitty Mom { 11.23.10 at 4:35 pm }

Hey everyone – Do you realize my friends that in about a week I will have been clean for 3 months – 3 freaking months…and three months ago I couldn’t get past 3 hours without a pill. See folks, there is that light at the end of the tunnel and Angela, SM, Stu, and Jamie…you will soon be there too. I, like Joe, am so happy just reading your posts everyday – it is like angels sent from Heaven. To my old friends of almost three months and to my new friends of just a few days – let us celebrate this day because each of us has triumphed over our addiction. Even the realization that they are not fucking good for you and a desire to beat it is a step in the right direction. There is a strong and loving God directing us to this place I swear!!!

Thought for the day – I would like to share

You don’t need to carry a burden
God wants you to have a light load
Take every thought captive
Hold each worry up to His light
He is able to lift the weight off you
Cast your care to Him
He cares for you
So unpack your heavy baggage and rest

On a personal note – I had a flat tire on the interstate tonight and from 4:15 until 6:20 I sat there on the side of the road with traffic wizzing by me like a freight care passing a bum – Now I said to God, please don’t let me die like this on the side of the road…and he didn’t let me die – here I am talking to you guys before I go and bake Thanksgiving pies – two pumpkin and one apple. I am so grateful for life!
And,my friends I have 6 days off work – no more bullshit for 6 whole days. I can hardly contain myself.
Three months ago I would not have been able to have 12 folks to the house for dinner without a bottle of pills – and three months ago I worried about lasting one day without pills…but here I am and here you are and we are all at some degree of recovery and it is such a blessing to have met you all. We are making it my friends, one proverbial day at a time and I am so glad you are here on this journey with me. Thanks Joe, for feeling it is a blessing to be on here with all us women. Hope we can make it easier for you as you make it easier for us.
Well, let me get off my soap box and go freaking make those pies!!!
Go Joe – stop by for kitty coffee tomorrow AM
Way to Go SM (super dooper SM)
Keep on truckin Stu
Love Ya Metoo – you are so there for everyone
Miss you lil dove
Bye guys and girsl
Love unconditionally
KM

Welcome Jamie and Angela – You are doing great (Don’t call the doctor for pills)

547 Jamie { 11.23.10 at 8:39 pm }

Well, spent ALL DAY waiting for my dentist to call me back and he never did. Frustrating! I was hoping to get something done about my tooth before the 4 day weekend, but it’s not looking so good. The pain has subsided some, or maybe I’m just growing accustomed to it. lol

Been cranky and stressed today for some reason, even my doggies are driving me up the wall. I swear, like every 5 minutes they are begging to go outside.

Going to my uncle’s tomorrow afternoon for an early Thanksgiving dinner, then coming home to bake pies and clean house for Thursday. And then it’s Jamie’s first attempt at a Thanksgiving feast!(fingers crossed)

I think it’s tomorrow that’s stressing me the most. Traveling and sitting around a bunch of people smoking pot all day, yay fun…and to top it all off, I’m gonna be the kid. It’s only gonna be my parents generation, so no one my age around to talk to, no one clear headed to talk to. My fiancee has to work, my cousins have to work. Will have to hang outside in the cold to avoid the contact high.

Been thinking about those pills today, wanting one really bad. It’s gonna be worse tomorrow, I’m trying to stay positive, but traveling and crowds get to me. Can I go back to Monday when I was feeling so good mentally and pretty well physically?

One hour at a time, one hour at a time, one hour at a time…at least until Friday.

Keep rooting, I’ll be thinking about you guys if/when I get that bad urge. You’ll be the thought that will keep me straight.

Hope everyone else is managing better than I am. And in case I don’t get the chance to post in the next couple days, because of this holiday crazy busy stuff, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Turkey day hugs all around,
Jamie

548 Angela { 11.23.10 at 8:42 pm }

I have a question for everyone. How do you pull yourself away from all your friends and family that you know have pills? My mother likes pills and likes to dangle them in front of my face. She constantly talks about them. and when I am around her my depression really sets in. She is one of those people that talks about how much she likes them so people are always giving them to her. I have friends that I know always have them also, and it is so hard to be around them. I think this is part of my depression, is that I feel like I can’t have fun around anyone that has them. The whole time we are together I am trying to think of a way to ask them for one. Has anyone else experienced this? I don’t want to cut off all relationships, and there is no way I can tell people I am an addict and don’t offer them to me. So is it just better to stay away?

549 Jamie { 11.23.10 at 11:13 pm }

The majority of my family is hooked on pain pills of some form or another, toss in a few street drug addicts too. Personally, I chose to distance myself from certain people whose addictions are way out of control, and the people who are always ready to give you a treat to pull you down with them. So for me I pretty much have like 3 family members I can safely be around, and I have a big family. But the way I see it is, regardless of their knowledge of your addiction, you have to look out for yourself right now and if that means distancing yourself from family and friends whom you can’t share your secret with and who are offering you pills when that’s not what you need or want at this point, well, it doesn’t have to be forever, but until you have full control over yourself a little distance might be a good thing.

It’s a very, very hard thing to try to get clean and sober, and twice as hard when you have pills flying around in your face from day to day. I have told my family I’m not taking vix anymore and still I have them trying to give them to me, or I happen to walk in on my uncle sniffing oxycontin. It does make things harder, but it also makes you stronger.

I don’t know if that was any help, but had to give you a reply, cuz I’m right there with you on this. You have 40+ days clean, I have 5 since my slip up. Don’t slip up, it’s not worth it, you’ve come too far. And if being around the pills is depressing, believe me, it’s so much more depressing when you slip up. Don’t put yourself through anything you don’t need to go through.

Stay strong, sista!

550 Joe { 11.24.10 at 2:32 am }

Hey Now,

First, and most important, Kitty I am gonna chill with a good cup of coffee with you this morning, those minutes spent on your front porch are the essense of my day. You are my escape valve sweetheart, I hope the burden isn’t to great. But a porch in florida in the winter with you is well irrestible. HMMM I can smell that apple pie, oh god….

Glutony(sp)

You know, I am no fucking expert believe me, i tried to quit pills for 20 fucking years, I failed everytime.

The key here, I have learned is in that statement, it is one word I

Fuck, everyone has an opinnion and everyone has a thought on how to do it, or why not to do it.

I just faced some TRUTHS about Joe, I mean fuck cousin Bill, he ain’t doing my jail time is he.

I mean at the end of the day, it’s my fucking life, right.

I’m the one sick in bed.

I’m the one doing years in a cage for coping pills, oh by the way they ar illeagle to posses or obtain without a prescription.

I’m the one blowing all my fucking money on this bullshit.

I’m the one that lost everything, I fucking had.

And you know what, those mother fuckers who I am so worried about, well that don’t even write me a fucking letter. While I’m doing this fucking time for this bullshit.

I mean are minds think other people care so much about weather we use or not, or how we react to bing offered. I know how awkward and painful and INSANE it is.

TRUST ME, you can scroll up through this thread is see every day of pain and lonliness and sickness and doubt. This shit is so real,

JUST DO NOT USE.

NO MATTER WHAT,

And here is the kicker, the rub. This is why I never really stayed clean, I thought life would suck without dope, it was all I ever knew.

It was everything, It ruled my mind body and soul.

In addition I thought, if I do stop for any period of time, who am I gonna hang with, what am I gonna do, Shit I don’t even like sex sober, or work sober, or play sober.

All I’ll ever do is sit on this fucking couck and crave those fucking pills. Fuck it.

But that is THE LIE. TTHAT IS THE ADDICTION. Right there.

THE TRUTH ABOUT JOE NOW.

LIFE IS BEYOND HILIRIOUS, IT IS BEYOND WONDERUL, IT OS BEYOND JOYFUL.

Look, I’m not trying to sell you some bullshit here.

If this path sucked, I’d be high right now.

I mean my road is full of the following, now if this isn’t what your looking for, I probably can’t help, but if some of it is what your REALLY SEEKING, CRAB MY HAND IT LET’S GO BABY!

I have…

LOVE
PEACE
VIVID IMAGINATION ABOUT POSITIVE STUFF
JOY
PASSION
FUN
SHARED PAIN
SHARED LONLINESS
SHARED FEAR
I’M NEVER ALONE
MONEY
STUFF
FRIENDS
COOLEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO HANG WITH RIGHT HERE
SUPER GREAT MUSIC
GREAT COFFEE
GREAT READING
INCREDIBLE SOUL SEARCHING
HELPING OTHERS
ENJOYMENT
SATISFACTION

Look man I can go through 4 different moods from the living room to the kitchen.

I go between thinking how absoultly wonderful a big fat line of oxy would feel, to the utter depths of depression over all I fucking lost.

But you know I JUST DON’T TAKE THAT FIRST FUCKING PILL.

That way I get to come back here and hang out with beautiful woman who are tyring to do something fucking different.
And STU-who is my fucking idol man.
This fucker runs marathons and shit, are you kidding me.

Oh and as far as hip, cool, sexy fun place to fucking be…

I can tell you for certian it’s a fact.

This spot is of the mother fucking chain, yo.

So kkep coming back…Shit you thought life was ending, dam sistah, the real JOY is just starting. Hell, you can always go back, dope aint going nowhere,

But rust me, after a few miles down this path, all you will be doing is hoping other people will join you.

Like Adam(the guy who told me) go, go to the party, feel the feelings if it gets to bad, split.

That’s what I did.

You know, the truth I have learned is that it is the exception to meet someone who even remotely gives a fuck about you, or if your using.

I mean when I was loaded, the last thing on my mind was, did little nancy eat a pill.

Shit I was caught up in my shit.

Well here I am, Here I will be, desiring to serve each and everyone of us in any way I can.

Happy Thanksgiving…Today I will give Thanks to my Lord Jesus Christ, my King…

Oh and I am not ashamed to say it.

This Jesus, he makes me the fucking bomb I am.

Today Joe is friend worth having.

That’s what Jesus does you know, he makes me better.

And man can he party, he just wnat syou to no, that dope shit, is nothing compared to his shit. You think fucking oxy get’s you high. Than it is apparent you haven’t tried his shit yet. I here and I got some of that Jesus fire, if you need it.

Peace

551 Joe { 11.24.10 at 2:41 am }

Oh and for those jsut joining the thread,

Just a heads up about my posts,

I will not spellcheck this stuff, it’s my life not a midterm.

Two, I love to use profainity, again I apologize if that offends you.

Love

552 Kitty Mom { 11.24.10 at 3:36 am }

Good morning everyone – Day before Thanksgiving and just mulling over last night and this mornings posts. I must say – I am eternally gratefull that there are not any Uncles or friends pushing pills on me. If there were, I don’t know exactly how I would react. There are people that have them in my family who I have actually thought about stealing them from in the past and did take from the occasional medicine chest. So I hear you sisters that it is worrysome. One thing for sure, is that I would not have shared them with anyone when I was using. Screw everyone else, these are all mine!!! So, please, Jamie with 5 days and Angela, with 40+ days…..it is an allusion and the addict in you that thinks that the pills will make you feel better. They actually just make you want more and the vicious cycle begins all over again. You girls are doing great and I will be routing for you over these next few weeks, praying that you get that extra help when you feel weak – stay strong sisters and after the holidays are over, you will be that much more close to winning this stupid war we are all fighting. But, you know, all this sounds like repeating the same old stuff over and over again but I was in the same place and as hard as it might seem, it is possible. Learn who the new and improved Jamie is and learn who the new and improved Angela is. If an old broad like me can do it, you, who have your whole life ahead of you, can do it to.
Joe is right – the list of beautiful things, feeling, and friends, is long once you kick those dirty little bastard pills.
This is for you too Stu and Super Dooper SM. An atheletic fellow like you Stu don’t need to be messing your body and mind up with all the shit! And SM, super mom and wife, just think of your potential girl when you have a clean mind and body. You will be unstopable. I pray for both of you.
And Joe, Fuck says it all my friend. What would we do without the simple four letter word. Sometime there is just no other word that says it all…lol!!!
Last but not least, Metoo. I hate to sound like a freaking broken record, but if it was not for you and Joe, I would not be almost three months clean. Thanks for throwing those prayers my way and thanks for the angels you send. There is one sitting right here on my shoulder as I type.
Love you guys
Happy Thanksgiving Eve
Kitty

553 Metoo { 11.24.10 at 5:55 am }

I love you guys. All of you. I am SO THANKFUL that I have you!!!!
Joe, you are so right about the word “I”. I I I I am the one dealing with taking back MY life. For Angela and Jamie, the pair of you are in a perilous position in your journey………..and you need to OWN IT. IT IS YOUR LIFE!!!! It’s not the “oxy uncle” it’s not the “dangling mom”, it’s about YOU!!!! This holiday, when the going gets rough, and those folks seem to be in your face, I want you to pull this phrase into your head. Say in your mind, or under your breath, “I OWN THIS”….and walk away. At that point, KNOW that you have all of us here thinking about YOU at THAT VERY MOMENT. Let’s pull together to get these kids through the rough spots!!!!!!
I wish we had tokens. I wish we had SOMETHING to remind us of each other while we are “offline”. I wish I had a way to be with especially Jamie and Angela when their hurdles pop up from nowhere. I guess that’s why God gave us angels. Girls, KNOW that the angels are with you, protecting you from the rest of the world. The angels are real and they WILL see you through!! I wish I could be there too, with each of you to celebrate this wonderful holiday. I can guarantee you this: I will spend the holiday being thankful MOST OF ALL for all of you. Spare moments will be filled with thoughts of my friends here…many prayers of thanks will be said. MANY. Especially for Jamie and Angela. You ladies CAN DO THIS.

Now it’s on to me. Can anyone here say, “SELF DOUBT”??? Geez. I wake up every morning with anxiety. My life is unsettled. I am not used to an unsettled life. It’s all up in the air. Am I sure of where I am going??? Am I certain???? No, fuck. No. You guys, I am scared. I don’t even know what I need from you, but the answer is out here somewhere, and since the angels have brought us together, I figure someone here must have some answers for me. I am trying to face my fears head on. I am relying on God and the angels~~trusting in Him totally, because, well, He’s all I’ve got. Him and my love…I am gay, in case anyone missed that part, and am relocating to be with my girlfriend and her child. I have been in the same area all my life, and am for the first time, really, preparing to leave home. If anyone has ANY advice suggestions, I am all ears. I have never been the footloose and fancy free type, and sometimes I wish I were that type of person. I should be seeing this as an adventure, but it’s all SO SERIOUS. I seriously need a lift from all of the thinking and dwelling and worrying. It helps me a tremendous amount to think about others and to try to be a help to someone else and it’s not so easy for me to take in return. I guess it’s time to take. I need you guys, and I hope you can come up with some things that might give me some security. Hell, NO ONE knows what is going to happen 5 minutes from now, so what do I want????

So, if you have moments for prayer for me, please pray for a break for me from this anxiety, and I really could use an appetite for food again. I need to feel right in my skin again. I need to feel joy again. Please pray, my friends…and thank you each and every one….I am not even going to go back and re-read this!

Happy almost Thanksgiving! Turkey hugs to all!

554 Angela { 11.24.10 at 7:22 am }

Meetoo–I have never met anyone as honest and open as you are. I think God has a great purpose for you. When I read that you were gay, it just opened up another awesome layer of your life to me. Just think that when you relocate you are starting a new family, and you are so strong I know you can do it. What a big change for you, how exciting for you. Just think of all of us as little angels floating around you lifting you up, because that is what you do for us. Let me tell you a little story about a miracle in my like that turned my world up side down and I hope this will inspire you that everything happens for a reason. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for seven years with no luck. We dont have money so we could not go very far with the fertility process or with the adoption process. We almost gave up on having children when I got a call from a high school friend saying she was seven months pregnant and wanted me to have the baby. She had not been to the Dr yet, so the next week I went to her ultrasound with her and we found out we were having twin boys. My boys Micah and Noah were born a month later with me there to watch them be born. We were so blessed from family and friends that we did not have to buy anything for them, we even found a lawyer that only made us pay for the court costs for the adoption. I truly believe that God has a plan for all of us and if you feel like this is the right move for you, then go for it. I will be thinking about you.

555 Jamie { 11.24.10 at 9:19 am }

Joe…FUCK!!! haha You should hear me in person, I cuss like a sailor. I always have my mom telling me, “you say fuck too much.” But sometimes “Fuck” just covers everything perfect.I am trying really hard to just focus on myself, aside from my addiction, I’ve realized that my other problems require more attention than I was giving them, so until I get myself straightened out, I’m looking out for number one and that’s me right now.

Kitty Mom…Sometimes it’s good repeating the same old stuff over and over again, especially for those of us who can’t remember shit, and stubborn folks like myself who need to hear it a hundred times before it sinks in. Thank you for your encouragement. It really did help me this morning.

Metoo…I OWN THIS! You have been a tremendous help to me from day one, thank you. As for the angels, I woke up this morning not feeling all that great mentally, but who do you think was sitting beside me looking at me with these big brown loving, caring eyes? It was my angel Candy, she has been super duper close to me this morning, and so much more loving than usual. She really truly is my angel. I wish I could take her with me today, I know with her I would do a lot better. On the moving thing, from my experience it’s best to not have any expectations, that way you’re not let down and sometimes you’re nicely surprised. I moved from California to Colorado when I was 19, I had was super hyped to do it and it didn’t turn out to be what I expected. So I was disappointed and things fell apart from there and I ended up coming home. Probably not a good story to tell you. lol I’m just trying to say, lower your expectations and maybe that will lower your anxiety. If it’s what you really want, think positive and tell yourself you’re doing it for you.

Angela…you have two little miracles to stay clean for. When the times get tough, think about them and how lucky you are to have them in your life.

I think I’m just gonna chill with my pups until it’s time to leave. Or maybe bust out the Guitar Hero for a distraction.

Happy day to everyone…

Jamie

556 Southern mom { 11.24.10 at 12:44 pm }

Heloo FAMILY!!!
And I truly believe you all are my family. I love how we all interact in many different ways. I love that we all support each other and care for each other and love each other UNCONDITIONALLY. I for one know that this is not what I have in my regular life, but I think I would be in such a bad place without all of you. You all bring something new to the table and the encouragement and reinforcement of helping each other to become clean and sober is my saving grace.
KM 3 MONTHS!! WOW WOW WOW!! I hope you are as proud of yourself and I am!! You are doing it lady and you are taking so many of us on the path of sobriety with you and for that I am THANKFUL!!!
Jamie, I am in the same boat with you doing the Thanksgiving life sentence!!! Everyone wants the best day ever and you step up and do the food, which in my opinion is the hardest job, yes having the family turmoil sucks, and for those that have family waving drugs in their faces I asked myself what I would do in that case and I came up with this… Take their pills and throw them away, then not only do you not use, they can’t use (even though it’s a few pills).
I totally agree with the 1 day at a time, I am tapering and each day is a new for me so I encourage you to take each minute, hour day at a time, the more time you don’t use the more steps you take to sobriety! AND.. TURKEY HUGS TO YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE IN OUR ABOUT FAMILY!!! :-)
Angela, I think the same for you, people who wave their pills under your nose are not the people who want you to be sober, so take their pills, walk to the bathroom and flush those little bastards away, when you walk away, you know you have done what you need to do for you and maybe help those with the pills to have less pills to take tomorrow.
My husband and I have talked everyday about my addiction and I want so much to be clean, but I also know that the addict in me needs something to get through these holidays, so we have a deal, He has all my pills and he will only give me a pill if I REALLY need it to get through Thanksgiving, then I go back to nothing and hopefully I won’t need anything for Christmas, he is trying to help me so I don’t go through withdraws because he has has seen me go through that agony and he only wants me to get sober without the pain and I love him so much for loving me enough to do this for me!
JOE!!! The way you share you with all of us is so inspirational!! You put yourself out there, bare naked, HERE I AM, THIS IS JOe, Love it or fuck off!! And I love it. You lists are incredible, I can take each one and apply it to my life, I write them on note cards and when I am get that horrible feeling that I NEED a pill, I can read the lists you send and realize I don’t NEED a pill as much as I need you and all the rest of my family on this site!!!
Being a woman in your life is an honor, because I am a part of an amazing group of women.
Metoo, I love the token idea. I take things that touch me from this site and write them on note cards so I can carry them with me every day, but I would love to have something tangible that represents this group! Maybe we can all brainstorm how we can do this, because I would love to walk around and display the steps me and my friends are going through for our sobriety. Maybe a “frienship bracelet” only we could call it a “Sobriety bracelet” Or a key chain, I am the artsy fartsy person, so if we could come up with something I could try to make it.
Metoo, your self-doubt is expected, you are starting your life over!! Instead of feeling that you can’t do it because you are so used to everything being a certain way (I totally get the schedule thing) You have the opprtunity to START OVER!!! A new life, a new lifestyle, a new world to explore and new YOU! This is what you have been searching for, for quite a long time and now you have this new life awaiting you, God is showing you how much He loves you! He is giving you this new chance to live a life and follow a path He wants for you. Grab that Golden ring on this wild ride of life sweetie!!!
Last words for today:
God please Bless my new About Family during this holiday weekend.
Please keep us all safe and help us cope with the road blocks family and life puts in our way. Give us your strength and guidance to stay true to ourselves and our needs and help those that don’t understand or question our commitments.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, when I lead my family in prayer I will be praying for all of you too!

557 Joe { 11.25.10 at 2:27 am }

I scrolled back up and found what I posted last yeart on The morning of Thanksgiving.

This path to freedom is REAL.

Joe { 11.26.09 at 2:49 am } Where else would I start my Thanksgiving than right here.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone,

May God Bless you.

Love,
Joe

558 Stu { 11.25.10 at 2:56 am }

Happy Thanksgiving AJ. I have house guests and am putting the turkey on the Green Egg (it’s 5AM local). I have a new recipe that sounds like it’s gonna be good.

Take care.

559 Kitty Mom { 11.25.10 at 6:18 am }

Hey you all
Happy Thanksgiving – I have everything that I can precook bake and prepare done – just waiting to put the Turkey on soon. 9:17 AM here. Have a blessed Thanksgiving.
You are all in my prayers this day and every day. Have a wonderful holiday and don’t let the bastards get you down.
Love You All
God bless you
Kitty Mom

560 Angela { 11.25.10 at 7:19 am }

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I woke up this morning thanking God for my family. Unlike the past several years, I am feeling actual emotions. Just the smell of the turkey is bringing back great memories of when I was clean, it feels great. Love you all!!!

561 Southern mom { 11.25.10 at 8:28 am }

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
You all will be in my prayers today, I always take a moment of silence when I do our familie’s blessing and this year I am Thnaking God for all of you!!
It’s 11:30, up and cooking since 5:00 am and still NO PILLS!!
KM you crack me up 9:17?? Really?? :-)
God bless you all and all of yours today!
sm

562 Metoo { 11.25.10 at 9:13 am }

There is so much thankfulness here…and so much pure joy. Thank you, Lord, for each of those reading this today. Please help us to ALWAYS be thankful for the gifts that you have given us. Please continue to hear our pleas, and bestow upon us the knowledge that you are always with us. Heal us, Lord, one and all. Make us clean again. Bring us home.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my special friends~my angels!!! I love you all!!!! :)

563 Jamie { 11.25.10 at 10:44 am }

Happy Thanksgiving all!

Better get back to the kitchen…..

Jamie

564 young lady { 11.25.10 at 3:57 pm }

Hey so this blog thing has helped me, i just wanted to write in and share, well i’m on day 5 of not taking any pain pills, i’ve been on pain pills since about 2007 lets just say i was under the age of 18 at the time, my dr first put me on the pill norco, oh when i first started taking pain pills for my headaches i was always great i made scripts last and i made it to my appt, and i could go a couple days without them, well i kinda didn’t want to become addicted because my dad was a heroin addiict so what i saw him go through and deal with and saw him od, and pissed off cause he couldn’t get his drugs, or how i found needles and stamp bags all around him when i was younger i didn’t want to end up like that. well my dad died in 2004 so it’s been pretty hard without him, but i like i said i didnt want to end up like him well.. the past couple years have been really tough, ive been through alot i don’t know how ive held on alright well here goes first off like i said i started having to take the pain pills for my headaches cause nothing else helped, well after being on norco for about a year it wasn’t helping any more and then my dr tried me on the fentyal patch im still under the age of 18 at the time, well that patch did nothing for me well by aug of 2008 my dr then put on oxycodones 15mg and omg the first time taking that pill all my pain went away and i felt great, well after my dr put me on that ive had to get like 5 surgerys in the past couple years, from glands out in my neck to tonsolis to a laporscopy which meant alot of pain and alot of pills . it makes me sick how many pills ive been on in the last couple of years alright well remember how i said i didnt want to end up like my father… well what do i do last year? im hanging out with the wrong people and well heroin comes along, and i first snorted it a couple times then when the people i was hanging around started shooting it, i was like hmm…… i want to see what this feels like, meanwhile im all down and out because i tried heroin and my dads prolly looking down on me saying im a fuck up and a piece of crap well my friends well they werent really friends lets just say users, shot me up cause i didnt know what the hell i was doing that took all my pain away made all my problems go away… well i didn’t do it much last year every once in awhile or when my friend would shot me up then mean while im still on the oxys for my headaches and people are using me and stealing my pills and im getting my heart broken by my first love, i still have issues from my dads death i have alot of depression and i was trying to numb it out with pills and i couldnt go anywhere without a pill a pill just gave me a added boost and made me feel alot better about things. me and the heroin friends got in a huge fight and didnt really talk for a long time and i didn’t have anyone to get me heroin so i was doing really good and i was sticking to the pills even tho i kept eating them like candy and running out to soon before my appt and then having to find other pills so i wouldnt get sick since with drawl is hell. well this year in aug i let someone stay at my house and well he needed a ride and my dumbass texted the heroin friend and asked him if he could give my friend a ride and well here i thought he was clean cause alot of shit went down with him from the time i stopped talking to him he and my neighbor was doing coke hard core and he got caught selling heroin to a cop, then he got in a wreck but i thought he was clean because before i got in the car with him and said he didnt touch that shit, so me and my friend get in his car and well his smoking crack, and i hate the smell of that shit, but anyways lets just say by the time me and my friend got out of that car he was talking to someone on the phone asking them for a couple bags well what do i do i dont have any pills and i havent touched heroin for a really long time and i ask him to get me a bag bad move… getting back in touch with him screwed alot up lets jsut say since aug… ive learned how to shoot my self up, i pawned three laptops for drug money, stolen off my mom, hurt my mom alot, have track marks on my hand, really started likeing that guy, which i dunno why, almost fell out on my birthday in sept, that was lovely, shot crack, shot gunned crack, done coke, shot coke, ran out of my pills even more, got ripped off by people, tried to go get help and i was turned away since i wasnt enough of a junkie but i think i was wanting to get high everyday and not feel a thing, and every chance i got i got high with heroin cause once you feel that rush you dont wanna go back now i know why my dad liked it so much… well me and that guy arent talking anymore causse he used the shit out of me and hurt me pretty bad, i dont have any rides to get any heroin so thats a good thing, i havent wanted it i havent done heroin for about a month, but ive had my pills perk 10s which lets just say this month i ran out of my pills so quickly and i cant get my next ones til the 10th so i was really sick from not having any of my pills and going through withdrawls and i feared that i hate with drawls i just wanna die and not wake up, but now im on day five and im doing well, i got the clonidie patch .2mg and lets just say it works welll ive been kinda dizzy and kinda feel like im in a fog but it takes alot of things away, the hot cold sweats, the rest less leg issues, the feeling hostel and kinda just mellows you out, now i just gotta learn how to take my pills the right way again and try and not need them alot anymore cause im only 20 i dont need this in my life, i dont wanna be a screw up which i know i already am. i gotta be strong… well thanks for reading… i hope you all stay strong

565 Kitty Mom { 11.25.10 at 6:08 pm }

Hey you all – hope you all had a blessed and happy Thanksgiving – the troups are gone – I am in my pajamas – the kitchen is cleaned up and I am ready to crash…First Holiday in years with no pills and it was so much less stressful…still the little family weirdness but all in all pretty great! We had three dogs here with our two cats so the cats were freaking out – now they are happy and rubbing all over us. I am dead tired and going to watch a movie on TV.
Love you all
Kitty mom

566 Joe { 11.26.10 at 2:25 am }

So who is going to Best Buy this morning? 4am here but I’m up cause I gotta go to work, not stand in line at Walmart-although that would be fun.

It was really cool to come here this morning and read about everyones day.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, I knew I wasn’t alone,

I was around allot of folks less fortunate than I, one of nieces and her boyfriend and their 4 kids were there, let’s just say they have had a really hard year.

I’m sitting on the couch and one of their kids came over and put his head on my chest and just chilled, looked at me and said hi Uncle Joe, he is about 4 and his life as been spent in total chaos,

Well, 2 years ago i wouldn’t have even noticed the kid, I would have been all fucked up.

This year that moment was the most precious event of the day, our spirits connected and we both just chilled for about 20 mintes. I think it was the first time in his young life he felt peace.

The kid refreshed my soul.

and watching the old Macy day parade with my kids was beyond description.

Life is so incredible,

Ah down to the old chicken plant, fuck I don’t want to see any type of bird today, I am still full.

Love

567 Southern mom { 11.26.10 at 10:09 am }

I hope everyone is recovering from the Trytophane coma from the turkey from hell! I don’t have to eat for a week!!
As I was doing the blessing this year and as I promised I did a moment of silence to lift-up our men and women in the military and offered a special blessing for my son who leaves in June I had one of our most dysfunctional and f-d up people in the family tree chime in with “I refuse to pray for baby killers and I should be ashamed of my son and myself for supporting his choice to be a war monger!! I continued my prayers and even asked God to forgive some of His children that have their head’s up their asses (no not my proudest moment but NO ONE goes after my kids!!!)
After the blessing I told her if she ever talked to me or my children like that again she would have to find a way to get my foot out of her ass, alongside her brainless head!!!
By the end of the afternoon she had offended pretty much everyone and I finally had enough and told her to shut the fuck up or she would be going for a swim with a brick around her neck! OK that was extreme but someone had to shut her up.
I was glad to come home and we all fell into our comfort zones and chilled the rest of the day.
Thanks for letting me share, today is the one day of the year you can not get me to go shopping even if stuff was free. I hate crowds!!
So to all you brave ones, I hope you found everything you were looking for.
ttys
sm

568 Kitty Mom { 11.26.10 at 2:30 pm }

SM – I agree with you whole heartily – no shopping on Friday after Thanksgiving – I don’t need anything or want anything bad enough to stand in line or go out at 3:00 AM – and I refuse to even acknowledge the term Black Friday. We just chilled, ate leftovers, and the only thing productive I did was put my fall stuff in the attic to get ready for getting down the Christmas stuff. I gave myself a big day off.
Hope you all survived the holiday and remained half way sane. Joe – sounds like you had a special day – thanks for sharing it with us. And, SM, there is always one in the family who puts a damper on the occasion…good for you for standing your ground. What a mean and hateful thing to say to you and your son when he is going in the military to serve his country!!
Well my darling friends, I am going to finish out the lazy day by watching Christmas movies on the hallmark channel.
Love you all and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
So special you are to me. Thanks for keeping me pill free this holiday.
Kitty Mom

569 Joe { 11.27.10 at 2:06 am }

Good Morning everyone,

Wow southern mom, what a drag, I’m glad you were able to get through that uneeded tirade. You handled itt better than I would.

As a vetern, my heart goes out to you and your son. The courage he is dsplaying is ennomorous. I just want you to know I’m here for you as his depature approaches.

Unlike the unruly guest, i honor both you and your son

See, perosnally I enjoy freedom. i enjoy it so fucking much I would die to perserve it. I mean freedom is what is all about.

The fact that you have a raised a child willing to answer the call to protect that freedom endears me to you even more, if that’s possible.

Please remember you are not alone as you go through your journey,

Kitty-As I go into the Advent season, the 4 weeks of preparing and hope and celebration. That preceed christmas. My goal this year is To not let my Heart become drowsy.

That is my focus in life now-to learn more about my heart, not from the poets point of view, more so the biblical percpective.

I know I need to keep on growing, I cant stop. You know what I mean?

The new Testament uses the term kardia-heart 160 times, with several diiferent meanings, as a noun a verb you name it,

For advent I am focusing on this meaning Vigor

Using this definition-: intense active healthy well-balanced growth

In my reading for preperation-jesus warns that the anxiety of life can cause one to become drowsy, lose focus, give up.

So you know I really hope you keep posting, you keep me alert, hopeful and focused. i long for your posts and well you vigor.

Metoo–I guess your prepration for change falls right in line. keep your focus and you will be fine. lean on me, let me carry you, that’s what the fuck I’m here for sistah.

Angela–Thanks so much for the tale of your twins. It was very inspirational to me. That;s what I love about the spiritual side of this path, the blessings, the real blessings require the most work.
With most people I meet who were using pills they are deep down very ambitious people, gifted, have a kardia-given by the creator, then they find themselves in a place, a place where they are opressed somehow, maybe a physical injury, maybe economic conditions, maybe personal self hate, maybe reltionship issues, just a feeling that fuck this is my life and then they take some dope and that all goes away, for a few hours, so you do it again and well sooner or later it jsut the fucking pill it has now become your kardia, of course it;s fake and makes you
feel even more fucking desperate till one day well enough is
enough.
You bring so much life an hope and love to us, please keep sharing.

Jamie-I actually went back up and reread everyones posts from the last few weeks, My memory is fucking shot that’s why I lvoe blogging i don;t have to remember. Anyway, WOW. your faimly sounds just like my in-laws, God bless them. I also see that spark of life in you, that passion, that zeal that you guessed it kardia.
I hope your tooth is OK. physical pain sucks man, do what you gotta do for you. You seem to have a bounty of courage, and a thrill for adrenalin rushes, keep finding ways to stimulate that, run if you can, share about stuff you keep inside, do something new, but I knwo if i don’t keep pushing the fucking envelope of life I will get drowsy, bored and well once I’m in that space it is just a stones throw away from some morphine,

Stu–your the man brother. period end of conversation. That is all you need to know brother.

So to all of you, from the very bottom of my heart, THANK YOU FOR KEEPING ME CLEAN TODAY, AND AS ALAYS.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, AND HOW CAN I HELP.

LOVE

570 Kitty Mom { 11.27.10 at 3:44 am }

My dear Metoo – going back and reading prior posts, I feel in my quest to make Thanksgiving a happy and special occasion for my family, I have let you down. You are such a special and giving person and here for everyone at all times. I have been praying for you my friend and I hope God will ease your doubts and lead you in the right direction. If the doubts are just concerning the place on the map that you are going to reside in, I believe that you can make it home merely because you will be surrounded by the person who means the most to you. Love makes the home…not the location. Let yourself take the ole one day at a time theory into this situation just as we all do in overcoming the drugs. It works for other situations in our life also. God does not burden us with more than we can handle because he takes the burden for us. He will give you strength to hold on. He is not weak and will not let you fall. He will provide your foot with a firm place to stand. He won’t be late – Help is on the way.
Just know that I am here for you – and like you said – I don’t know exactly what I can do except that and pray.
Love you girl
Kitty

571 Metoo { 11.27.10 at 8:23 am }

Hey, NLDDK, (a.k.a. No Longer Double Dippin’ Kitty)…
Don’t beat yourself up!! I SURE HAVE been able to feel EVERYONE’S prayers!!! The tale of the twins warmed my heart and helped me to know that there is a plan. I can’t see it now, but there IS a plan!! And SouthernMom assures me that it’s the greatest plan, and I BELIEVE. Joe has said that what I need to do is to let GOD INCREASE in me, and that I need to DECREASE IN ME. I need to let it be HIS plan…HIS way. And our Jamie has helped me to realize that I NEED TO OWN THIS. So, with the help of all of you, I am doing this thing!!
I had a major breakthrough yesterday, when I started to realize that I I I I I I I am in control of my thoughts. SO, I told myself (in the mirror…lol) that I am NOT ALLOWING any negative thoughts. NONE. I recited, “Peace, Joy, Love and Laughter, oh my!!!” in my head throughout the day, and know what?????

I HAD A GREAT DAY YESTERDAY. And this morning, I woke anxiety free…THANK GOD!!! So, your prayers ARE working…please don’t stop though!!

Throughout this move, I want to take each of you with me. I DO want to lean on you. ALL of you!!! Something that I need to realize from all of you is that EVERYONE IS SOMEWHERE. And no two people are in the same “space”….so I CAN survive outside of my “normal for 46 years” space. I know that probably sounds crazy. Well, maybe I AM!!! Hahahaa!!! Anyway, thanks for helping me make this transition. And, on the other side, it will be well worth it IF I am able to help someone else going through the same thing. I pray that when this is all said and done, that God will send me someone else to help, as in Him putting His stamp of approval on how I conducted myself through it….that’s the best I can ever hope for.

Thank you all for being beside me, being a force I can feel, and thank you, Lord, for this brand new day!!!!!! I OWN IT!!!! :)

572 Metoo { 11.27.10 at 8:47 am }

But hey! WHEN I get to Michigan, do I stand a half a chance in hell of getting a care package from anyone??? Something tangible that I can keep with me day after day to remind me of you?? I can picture that first day on the job, (if I can find one in this economy…lol…and I am SO SURE that there will be just the right job popping up for me…lol…like God doesn’t have anyone ELSE to look out for…) I would love it if I could reach in my pocket of my Walmart greeter’s vest and have a token of someone who is with me in spirit…

Just a thought. And it’s a thought for all of us. I would love to also send some tangible part of myself to each of you~~and if a token of me could help someone of you get through a rough spot, how cool would that be???

I do wish we could network this idea. We are all in this addiction/life thing together, and together we are strong.

Hey, Jamie and Angela…how are you ladies doing in post-Thanksgiving time? Thinking of you, and hoping we hear from you soon….

Have a great weekend, everyone!! I love you guys.

573 Southern mom { 11.27.10 at 11:12 am }

Metoo,
I wanted to send this out before I venture out of my comfort zone and to the beaty salon ( my hair has a life of it’s own, it’s wild and crazy and does whatever it wants to do and I have stopped fighting with it, and my hubbie LOVES long hair so cutting is out of the question so I venture to Ms. Barb’s every 6 months and tell her to do her best!!)
BUT!! I love making jewelry and quilts, as you already have one of my quilts I want to make you somthing special that will remind you of me, maybe if we could all come up with something that reminds others of who each and every one of is, that would make it the most special gifts to have.
So I am going out to find something that represents me, to make for all of my family on this board. Getting them to you will take some work but your words about yourselves and the words you have for me will help me make my decisions.
So open up your hearts and send out your vibes in prayers for me to use. That is how I make quilts and now I want to try this jewelry thing. Joe and Stu, men can wear jewelry too, but if it isn’t your “thing” I can also do a key chain and maybe everyone can add a piece to it. A symbol of our common bond, our unity and the inspirations we give to each other.
Feed back please…
sm

574 Kitty Mom { 11.27.10 at 12:13 pm }

Metoo and Super Duper Southern Mom – I make things too – Jewerly, and quilts, and baskets – more before – but want to get back into it….a am in on the token thing and wil ponder on what mine will be…addresses please to kittymom001@gmail.com. for those that are in…Love you all
Kitty Mom NLDD

575 Joe { 11.28.10 at 1:54 am }

Good Morning folks,

I love the idea of something real to look at and remember. I started my Advent journey this morning.

The point this year for me is to WAKE UP. BE ALERT.

Isiah, told the folks, Come let us climb the mountian of the lord,

For me that means going from darkness to light

from opression to freedom

from self to others.

from dope to health.

I have learned through failure that I need others, I can’t make it alone.

I know that in my life, I desire so much, I hurt so much, I am so afraid, I am lonelly, I have a past, I desire calmness man,

You know they always talk about CHANGE, in recovery circles.

I realize , just for me, that the 1 change I must stive for everyday is to keep LOVE first. Joe second.

So the ALARM as sounded and it seems like a great day to give rather than recieve.

Now, I am not an arts and crafts guy, I never even advanced past that thing, you know it;s supposed to be an ashtray.

What I would love to do is write each of you an inspirational thank you card.

Just open up my heart for one brief moment and GIVE LOVE,

if you would like one let me know, I’ll get write(lol) to it,

Thanks

576 Kitty Mom { 11.28.10 at 5:11 am }

Good morning good people
I am so grateful for being here today among friends – people that I did not even know existed just three months ago. Thank you for your help in reaching this point in my life today. Thank you for letting me get to know you little by little over the past months and thanks for getting to know me. Like an old worn out record, I hope that I can help you just a fraction of how you help me every single day. I love hearing about your lives and the selfish part of me loves hearing you direct your comments to me personally. Joe I would be deeply honored to receive a written card from you and when you come to the point of doing so, my Email address is above where eventually we can share information.
SM – thanks so much for Emailing me. It made my day.
Metoo I am so glad to hear you are doing better with your anxiety about moving. Put your fears in His hands. Like I said in one of my last posts, it is not the physical location that makes you homje, it is being with the one who loves you.
Stu, Jamie, and Andrea (and lil dove) I miss you on here. Please Please Please let me (us) know how you are doing.

You have a shepherd (John 10:14-15)

He’s watching out for us.
He knows our tendency to wander.
Listen to His voice; He is calling us
Let us follow Him to the greenest grass.
We will be most satisfied in His presence.

Praying for you and loving you each and every day
Kitty Mom

577 Metoo { 11.28.10 at 8:27 am }

Can we say SYNCRONICITY? Heck, that isn’t even how you spell it, BUT!!! Look at what I got in my mailbox today…funny how Joe’s words USUALLY strike some chord with my real world…here is what I got, and I copied it to my facebook too…then I read Joe’s message….huh…:

Wake From Sleep

Daily life lulls us into forgetting what we are here for and where we are heading. Advent rouses us with a robust “Be prepared.” We do not know the time of Christ’s coming, at the end of the world or the close of our earthly lives. When he comes, will he find us using swords or plowshares?

— from Catholic Update

I am defo IN for the token. But mine is a secret!!! Hee hee!!! A special something for all of my special ones!! Kitty Mom and SouthernMom, I will email both of you today!!!!!

No anxiety this morning, again!! But again this week I am heading out to “nointernetsville” and have (potentially) the new gal coming to train at the store, so I don’t know how much I will be able to be online with you all!! So, if I am not here, please don’t get worried. It’s just me getting ready to DO THIS WILD THANG!!! :D It’s getting exciting now, finally!!! Just a couple weeks away!!! Yeah! AND LOOK AT ME I CAN DO IT!!!

Big girl panties? CHECK!
Passport? CHECK!
Change for toll roads? CHECK!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3sMjm9Eloo

YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

578 Metoo { 11.28.10 at 11:16 am }

As I am sitting here contemplating…we haven’t heard from some of our family here today…or yesterday…and I just want to put it out there that this is an UNCONDITIONAL place. There is no judgement here!!! Jamie and Angela, and our dear Stu, lil dove, Suzy…there is simply no judgement!! It doesn’t matter IF you didn’t make it through the holiday without a pill~~~you still are needed here, you still belong here, and you still better get your lil butts back here where you belong!!! :) We are all on this path, and we have all stumbled. If you have stumbled, by chance, don’t let it knock you out. I care. Joe cares! You KNOW KittyMom and SouthernMom both care too. More than words can say.
So if you’re out there, still trying to get it right, know that you are not alone. Know that this is still where you belong. We are in this together, with none of us any better than another. Please post to let us know you are ok.

I love you all unconditionally!!!!!!!!! AND THEN SOME!!!! :)

579 Angela { 11.28.10 at 11:47 am }

Sorry Metoo, I am here, it has been a crazy the past few days for me. I have been on several times in the past few days but I don’t know what to say. I screwed up and took a pill and just did not know what to say to everyone. I feel like you have helped me so much and I have let you down. My mom gave me a pill on Thanksgiving day and I kept it in my purse until last night and decided to take it. All it did was make me feel horrible and put me to sleep. I can honestly say that I don’t have any craving to another one. So here I am back to day one, but I feel good about it knowing that I have all of you from day one. I really hope you are not mad at me Thanks for thinking of me and giving me the courage to be honest with you. I will be back tomorrow for day 2. I love you too!!!!

580 Southern mom { 11.28.10 at 12:17 pm }

OH Angela, this is the place where you don’t ever need to apologize!! We are all human, we all have our own human feelings and thoughts. So you took a pill…SO WHAT!!!
I am still in my tapering phase, I am closing in on going without, in fact taking 1 a day does about the same for me, I just fall asleep and wake up with a hangover, or worse I just want more. I am using the Kratom so I haven’t had ANY withdrawls symptoms and that is my goal. I simply do not want to let my family down again by spending another week in the bed or the bath. Thanksgiving and the huge responsibility of keeping everyone happy and fed is over. I told everyone that they are on their own for Christmas and I WILL be sober when we take our last family cruise in Jan. the last one with my son who leaves in June for the Marines.
My husband is doing great, he is being super supportive and I have completely honest about EVERTHING!! The fact that he is still with me, is proof that God loves me, and my husband is a true and Blessed gift from Him.
We all have been where you are, we all understand, we do not judge, we love you and we are only here to help, not wag a finger.
Thank you for coming HOME!
sm

581 Southern mom { 11.28.10 at 12:21 pm }

I forgot,
Jow your idea of penning your incredible words for each of us gave me goosebumps!!! I would love to have a card from you in my purse where I can take it out everyday, read it and feel your presence with me all day.
We have been kicking around the thought of a charm that you could maybe hang from your car mirror or…
Everyone’s input can make something very special and spiritual happen, so…
THOUGHTS PLEASE!

582 Jamie { 11.28.10 at 1:09 pm }

I’m here, and I made it through sober! Just been super busy this holiday!

Wednesday I went to my uncles, and ended up in an angument with him where I got so pissed off I could have just knocked the shit out of him. So I just went outside in the freezing cold and took a walk down the road to his neighbors house and said howdy to my horse and donkey friends, their owner came out and I spent about an hour playing with the animals and talking to her. It was refreshing to spend some time with a horse, it’s been a while. When I finally decided to walk back to the house figuring it was time to eat, it wasn’t and I had to listen to my know it all aunt tell me how I should live my life. Oh and they had their grand-daughter there and we were forced to watch spongebob all frickin day. So I was so far beyond happy to get the hell out of there.

Spent all day Thursday cooking my first holiday meal, which turned out great! It was just me, the fiancee and my parents here, so it was a nice quiet dinner. Spent the rest of that evening trying to ignore my aching back and legs. Damn being tall and having low counters!!!

Friday was recovery day, napped on the couch a lot and wasn’t feeling well, having low blood pressure issues and bad headaches.

Saturday, went to my sister’s for another dinner. Brought my nieces home with me and we watched movies all night.

And here I am today, still so tired, got all my girls here with me so I’m happy. Still having a low blood pressure issue, don’t know what that is all about. Have to go to the dentist on Tuesday(finally), but I know he’s going to prescribe me vicodin. Test, test, test, test, everything’s a test.

Been mulling over the charm/token idea. I’ll let you know when my brain really starts to work on that lol

I survived the holiday, now I’m gonna get off here and play with my nieces some more…

Hugs to everyone,
Jamie

583 Metoo { 11.28.10 at 2:40 pm }

Hey, thanks for checkin’ in, ladies!! I’ve sort of been watching this site like a hawk today! I was worried about you two!! Congratulations on making it through, JameCat!!!! And Angela, I KNOW I WOULD HAVE taken the vic too….I just would have. There is no shame in admitting it, Angela, it is what it is!!! The good part is that you’re still committed to doing this, and you WILL get there!!! Hold your head up high, and remember that we have ALL been where you are. I thought the world of you before, and I think the world of you today!!! Now, how about we dust you off, and get on with our walk, huh? Everything’s going to be just fiiiiiiiiiiiine!! :D

Well, we’ve set the tentative date for my move, so NOW things are feeling more real than ever over here!! And it feel real in a really good way!! The adventure will begin the 17th of Dec.!!! Now I need to get to the kitchen and invent some dinner, as that is what I do to process things!!! I can’t believe this dream is finally coming true….

More later! LMAO!!!!

Waiting on Stu…yoohooo!!!

584 Joe { 11.29.10 at 1:57 am }

Monday, new week.

My entire focus is on purging, getting rid of the shit I no longer need, the blocks the barriars.

You know Angela, I often wondered whay I couldn’t just stop, you know.

Seemed simple enough,

Just don’t take a fucking pill.

It took me 12 years of trying, failing, trying again and going through hell.

2 things I learned during that period that mean more to me than anthing in the world.

1. God is real

2. I never have to use again.

The thing to remember about opiate depenedcy is that it takes away God’s greatest gift. Free Will

As long as the chemicals are in your body they choose, that’s just the fact.

So using a pill is not wrong, it’s exactly what is supposed to happen.

Your heart wants to stop, but your mind can’t on it’s own. Your body is dependent on them, for now.

Trying to stop is like holding your breath, sooner or later you pass out and start breathing again.

The same with opiates, if you just try to stop sooner or later your start again.

Unless.

Unless you do go all the way, all the way to that point where the dope as left your body, your cells.

At that point free will is restored.

Now, i tried everything getting through the process and cleaning out my body from dope, purging it.

This is what worked.

Information–the more I learned the easier it became.

Perservence-No matter what. I could not stop trying

Sharing–letting someone know what the fuck is really going on everyday.

Love-I did not feel lovable, yet folks DID LOVE ME

One fucking minut at a time.

Walked

Prayed

Now, i see what the purging was all about, it was the only way for me to believe.

Look, I have never enjoyed easy, if that shit is easy, i’ll burn right through it.

God knew that about me.

Now, I pray to God, that you don’t go through what I did.

The Good news is, You don’t have to.

Don’t Give Up, Don’t ever give up Girl.

YOU ARE NEEDED HERE.

Love

585 Kitty Mom { 11.29.10 at 4:01 pm }

Hey everyone.
I had a phenominal day because I met a new friend – actually a friend that I met three months ago on this site who lives right here in my freaking town…hard to believe….no….more like a miracle of sorts. God thank you for delivering SM almost directly to my front door.
Stu – I would like to hear from you. Joe – thank you! Metoo – will miss you while you are in no cumputerview – Where the hell is that anyway – lol….Love you all
Angela – please don’t beat yourself up – hell one pill won’t make or break you – just suck it up and start over again. I know how you feel but you are doing great and the desire is there so keep up the good work – you can do it and you will. Jamie congrats on the sober holiday. Mine was the first in years and it will get easier. You have come a long way so keep it up!
Love you all and looking forward to tomorrow to read your posts here again.
Love
Kitty

586 Jamie { 11.30.10 at 12:01 am }

Rough, rough day for me. Troubles in the relationship. Luckily I don’t have any pills, because I would have taken some. This totally sucks. I feel stuck in a place with nowhere to go and only way out is to check out for good. I hate not having a choice in matters. Ugh!!!!!!!! I took a muscle relaxer hoping it would do its job and help me relax and go to sleep, but it’s only made me feel like shit. And it doesn’t help with the wanting to check out issue either. And I have to go to the dentist tomorrow, so quadruple stress.

Calgon take me away…

Fuck!!!! I need to find something to do for a distraction

I’ll check back in later

Jamie

587 Joe { 11.30.10 at 1:53 am }

Hey Now,

Young Lady-thanks for posting, you still around, How you doing?

Thanks Jamie, i needed to hear those words, you know the going fucking crazy shit. man o man, so real so vivid.

As if the utter hell of physical withdrawl isn’t enough of a price to pay, you then get blasted with feelings so deep and tormented that some dope seems pretty tastey.

and when we find ourelves in a relationship, bamm, can you say the switch.

I know this, there are no easy fcuking answers, but I also have learrned that the more I work on me, the real me, not Addict Joe, well the less drama I have to deal with.

Of course, following a suggestion from a friend is also something I seldom do, fuck i am blazing a path laid out by the creator here.

Some folks, well they just don’t get clean Joe. And sometimes it hurts and sometimes ,it’s lonely so dam lonely it fucking aches.

And I get so fucking confused, and fear rattles me.

I haven’t got a clue, what the fuck to do.

But, and here is the fucking insane part, I LOVE IT, I LOVE THIS LIFESTYLE MORE THAN ANYTHING I COULD HAVE EVER EVEN CREATED IB MY FUCKED UP MIND.

My favorite book is Call of the Wild, man I am Buck.

See deep in my being is that call. My real call, to run around the woods free, to chase after, to play, to be.

Somewhere along the line the signals or wires got crossed and that dope created the illusion of Wild and so I thought I had found the euphoria I grave.

Well, as you know fucking dope is the exact opposite it just turns me into a fucking sled dog, where I mush, mush ,mush..

But deep down the call goes unanswered.

I can even get into a relationship, have kids, work 80 hours a weel, get locked up,

But the call is there.

Yep today I see clearly and hear clearly my Call.

Today I’m just running around the woods with the other Bucks, Free at last, Free at last thank god almighty I am free at last.

Dope=Slave

No Dope=Free

Keep the focus on you, man. Good Luck at the dentist, you could tell him you have a problem with narcotics and see if he has anything else, or not.

I am no fucking Maryter for pain, yo. I deal with chronic leg pain, I take ibripofin everday, I wear a stocking on my leg to work to control the swelling, I ach like a mother fucker man.

And if my dr. who knows my situation Honestly, tells me I got no choice, well than I got no choice. I;m not there so fuck it,

With dental pain it’s short term pain. please be careful.

Thanks,
Much Love and Hope
Joe

588 Jamie { 11.30.10 at 2:40 am }

Still here. Managed to distract myself with finding out why Limewire was no longer working and I had no tunes on my computer. Solved that problem. Now just gonna try real hard to go to sleep and put this day behind me.

Oh and for all you folks who pray, toss me some “no stress at the dentist prayers”…last time I had to go I totally flipped out, bad panic attacks.

Hopeing for a better day tomorrow mentally and emotionally. Am I too old to run away from home? lol

Nighters,
Jamie